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(this is long and wordy ... I'm sorry ... but I am just at the end of my rope and need to at least vent)

I can't shake this feeling that she is, at the very least, finished with wanting to be my wife. At worst she may already be having an affair.

My gut tells me something is wrong. My stomach is constantly in knots and no matter what I do I keep ending up with the same feeling.

In general she seems completely disinterested in me. Always time for her friends or work etc but never for me. I constantly ask if she'd like me to go with her to the store or whatever and usually I go with her. But then if I'm going somewhere and ask if she wants to go she isn't interested.

She texts all the time. In the car .. in the living room watching TV etc etc. When I ask her who she is texting she gets mad and tells me I'm being controlling or nosy.

It has gotten to the point that I have even started keeping track of the mileage on her car. I'm ashamed of this point and it really makes me feel sick thinking that I've come to this.

BUT on a few occasions she has come home from <-insertLocation-> and when I check the mileage just doesn't add up.

For example, one night she said she was going to our favorite nearby bar and grill. This place is exactly 3.2 miles from our house. But when she got home there were 11 miles on the car. I asked her how it went there and she said the usual, fun etc. I asked if she'd gone anyplace else and she said no.

This case in particular is one of the main reasons I can't shake this feeling. Why would she lie?

Then there's sex. Things seemed good (even getting better after 17 years of marriage and her sex drive seemed to be up a lot more) ... until a few months ago (august-ish) and I started having some ED issues. We 'worked' with what we had but by October it was just 'not there'. So I scheduled an appointment and by the first part of December I was on Viagra.

The only thing is now I've got the Viagra and she never seems to be in the mood. Trying to say, "I'm taking my medicine tonight <wink>" really takes a TON of the romance/spontaneity out of it and then on nights when I think it is likely I'll work out optimum circumstances (light meal, no alcohol etc) but then .. NOTHING.

We sit in the living room and she is glued to flipping through facebook or pinetrest and/or sending a receiving texts.

Then we go to bed and if I'm lucky she's awake watching some TV but not a word. I'm to the point (at that point) that I get tired of trying to initiate intimacy only to have her push me away or say she's tired or whatever.

I've tried talking to her and telling her how I feel but she tells me it's all in my head. I tell her I feel like I'm losing her or that she doesn't seem to want me (in any way shape or form) any longer.

All in my head .. and don't forget the eye roll. That's comforting.

Then like the other day, she's talking about stress at work. I tell her to stop stressing. She's one of the best employees there and they have told her on plenty of occasions how great a job she does. Long story short ... she is so concerned with work that it seems like it is more important to her than I am.

So anyway ... She was talking about stress and I told her that maybe I could help her with that <wink wink>. Eye roll.

So I tell her we could definitely be having more sex and that would definitely help her with the stress. Change subject. I call her out on changing the subject and she rolls her eyes and leaves the room.

I don't know what to do at this point. I tell her how I feel and she blows me off and/or rolls her eyes and/or tells me it's all in my head.

We'll have a good night (fun .. laughing .. joking) and I'll start to think that it's all in my head or whatever and next thing I know we're back to not talking for a week or she's got to work 30-45min late on something and that she's going straight to the gym.

I'm sorry this is so long ... I just don't know what to do, say or how to act anymore. It's tearing me up inside and it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.

:(
Oh yeah, there's no doubt about it. All the red flags are there and you know it. You're too afraid to face it or confront her in a serious way. Because of that, everything you're doing seems annoying and pestering to her. She's busy staying in touch with her lover and you are just bugging her.

You need to plant a VAR in her car and a gps to find out where she's going and who she's talking to.

I suppose she's being very shrewd and keeping her phone glued to her hip, her phone and computer password protected etc.

She's very happy to keep you in stitches with her witty comments, as she slyly chuckles at your puppy-like attempts to get her in the sack. But she's being faithful to her lover. That what they do.

How long have you been married? Do you have a support system living near you? (parents, siblings, close friends)

How old are the kids? Do you make a good living?
 

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ILMW
copy and paste your original post into the lead post on this thread. Posters will be more inclined to read the lead here than to navigate elsewhere - esp if mobile devices are being used. It's cumbersome.
 

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Dude stop telling her how you feel. If she gave a sh1t about your feelings she wouldn;t be treating you this way.

I suggest you show her the indifference she diserves, and show her how confident you are in letting her go by cleaning your self up, work out and doing a 180.

Folks want what they can't have so start showing your wife what she is about to lose.
 

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Got to work late? supposedly going to the gym? VAR in the car gather intel then ask to use her phone if she gets nervous and defensive tell her there is no privacy in a marriage.
 

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Then there's sex. Things seemed good (even getting better after 17 years of marriage and her sex drive seemed to be up a lot more) ... until a few months ago (august-ish) and I started having some ED issues. We 'worked' with what we had but by October it was just 'not there'. So I scheduled an appointment and by the first part of December I was on Viagra.

The only thing is now I've got the Viagra and she never seems to be in the mood. Trying to say, "I'm taking my medicine tonight <wink>"
Can you imagine how pathetic you look to your wife? You're sitting around winking at her, hinting about viagra. Trying to subtly seduce your own wife. All the while she's looking at racy pictures and graphically lewd texts from her OM? C'mon man. wake up!
 

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ILMW61 she is cheating big time and you know that she is. Listen to the other posters here and get all the evidence you need to D her sorry A, which based on your post won't be hard to get. She openly disrespects you. You deserve better.
 

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When she asys she is working late, and then go to the gym, drive the kids by while going somewhere else and see if she does.

There are many threads here about gym relationships by the way.

Get a VAR now and velcro it under the front seat of the car.

voice recorder - Walmart.com recorder

Try not to get the cheapest ones. Test them before you use them as they may have to have certain features turned off to stay stealthy.

If she is in an affair it probsbly with a co worker or at the gym. Any suspects?
 

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ILMW61,

I was in your situation about 2 years ago. My wife was doing the same type of stuff. Texting and Facebooking early in the morning, late evening, GNO's, no interest in sex, guarding her cell phone, etc. Her way of avoiding sex was to go to bed with no notice, turn the lights off, and bundle up like she was in a cocoon.

I became more and more resentful, but never suspected she was cheating. I made no effort to check up on her. That was a huge mistake. She was in the middle of an affair with her best friend's husband and it went on two years before I finally caught her.

Had I had the benefit of TAM, I would have known what to do. If I had simply done my due diligence, I would have easily found
her out long before that.

My advice is to play it cool and make her think everything is fine. Don't force the issue with sex. Use every method at your disposal to verify whether she is cheating. Use a PI if you have to. You'll get a lot of advice here about the different methods.

Don't worry about improving yourself to save the marriage until you find out whether she's cheating. And I have to tell you, I'd lay odds that she is.

Once you've got the evidence, return here for more advice on how best to proceed. In the unlikely event that you're satisfied she's not having an affair, then work on your marriage. Seek marriage counseling and work on the marital issues with her.

Be glad you're getting counsel now. I wish I had.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Just kind of an update ...

Last night we got into it again about the lack of sex. I simply, calmly, asked why we don't have more sex and she went straight into 'I don't want to talk about this right now'.

So that only bothered me more and when I pressed her it just escalated into a loud argument. (I'm sure the boys heard in their rooms unless they were REALLY sound asleep.)


What I DID get out of it, however, was that I said I want us to see a marriage counselor.

She agreed.

That's good right?
 

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What I DID get out of it, however, was that I said I want us to see a marriage counselor.
She agreed.
That's good right?
This can be just a smoke screen, given her behavior it will likely be a way to dump all kind of bll over you in a controled enviroment. You will be the devil, that's for sure. Ask her to make the apointment (she won't) and start seriously snooping before any MC. Find your what are you facing beyond her overt actions and words.
 

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Just kind of an update ...

Last night we got into it again about the lack of sex. I simply, calmly, asked why we don't have more sex and she went straight into 'I don't want to talk about this right now'.

So that only bothered me more and when I pressed her it just escalated into a loud argument. (I'm sure the boys heard in their rooms unless they were REALLY sound asleep.)


What I DID get out of it, however, was that I said I want us to see a marriage counselor.

She agreed.

That's good right?
Er, no. She agreed to placate you. She might even attend a few rounds of counseling just to keep you off her back while she forms her exit strategy. You've gotten all the advice you need for the time being: VAR, keylogger, etc. You need to know, one way or another, whether she's cheating. I'd say she is, especially if her libido was on the upswing and she suddenly cut you off. Gather your evidence, get into the gym and start getting in shape, take the preliminary steps of the 180 and be prepared for what most of us on TAM are pretty certain is coming.

Good luck.
 

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MC at this stage could do a lot more harm than good.

Unless you are *very* lucky, she will play the counsellor like a fiddle and you will end up being the bad guy.

She will hide the affair she is almost certainly having and you will be told to back off.

She gets exactly what she wants.

At the least, do what is being suggested with VARs and phone loggers. If not, you will be back on here within 12 months asking how to rescue your marriage as your wife moved out/you found out she was cheating all along.
 

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ILMW61- Your situation reads like about the most typical story we see here. Everyone who has been here for awhile and has read many cases of infidelity knows what's going on. Your wife is following a script and you, the befuddled husband who would never believe his wife would betray you, and is trying desperately not to believe the worst, is also the stereotypical faithful spouse we see so often here.

It's almost certain she's cheating on you. You need to quietly investigate. Come here for advice before you confront her. Good luck. I hope I'm wrong, but this is just too typical.
 
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