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I met my fiance 3 years ago when I started a new job, I was 22 and he was 25. He was in my department and we started dating almost immediately. Things moved pretty fast for us, we were seeing each other every day at work and I was usually staying at his house. I moved into his place officially about 3 months into the relationship, and we then lived and worked together.

Throughout the relationship I have always felt that he doesn't necessarily want to put into a relationship what is necessary. He has always been quite distant and non-responsive, especially in times of stress. His mind is often elsewhere, and I often find myself talking without even acknowledgement of my words (silence), or he will change the subject to something that is on his mind and almost perform a monologue, again not responding to the things that I say trying to contribute to the conversation.

Even when we first started dating, there seemed to be a lack of understanding of what it means to actually interact. Before we moved in together, I would often be at his house for a few nights in a row because he wanted me to stay over and hang out, but when I would be there he would sometimes play video games or do something else that would completely shut me out and I would be left with nothing to do.

We of course did have good times too, otherwise why would I have stayed in the relationship? But I guess I am trying to state that our problems have been the same since the beginning.

Sex has always been okay, but has always had the same air of general unawareness or a lack of ability to pick up on non-verbal cues of what is working at the time and what isn't. Sex is very important to me, and I have always been quite liberated when it comes to sex. I am quite versed in what I like and what I don't like. He has not really gone down on me since the beginning of our relationship, which is a very vital component of sex for me. I brought it up early on and basically told him that not performing oral sex was sort of a deal breaker for me. Foolishly, I didn't really uphold that, and kept on with the relationship despite this lack of not seeming to care about what I need in order to have a fulfilling sexual relationship. I also really enjoy performing oral sex but on principle will not give when it is not being reciprocated. This too makes me feel like I am missing out on a vital part of my sex life.

Over the year and a half that we lived and worked together, we fought a lot about the same issues. I felt ignored and uncared for and frustrated by his messiness and his blatant disrespect of what I need to feel happy and fulfilled. On the flip side, he feels like I don't really care about him or his interests and don't respect his need for space and time to himself. Both fair points of view, of course, as all of these things are very important in a relationship for both parties.

Things progressively got worse, and I ended our relationship after a little less than 2 years together. It was not a good breakup and we both carry some lingering resentment and insecurities from this time, as well as our previous relationship.

After being apart for 6 months, we ended up getting back together. A large part of this decision came from the sex that we had when we first reconciled, he went down on me every time and things were very passionate and really nice. Neither one of us had gotten over the relationship and were still in love, and decided to try and make it work.

Since then, things in some manner have been quite a bit better. I feel that I have been more assertive with my own feelings and needs and we both are trying to communicate with each other more. I do feel that he is really trying to meet my needs, and is putting a lot more effort into the relationship than was happening previously, but I still feel that some of my key issues are present. We got engaged about 5 months ago.

About 2 months after we reconciled, he stopped going down on me again. I have tried to be more assertive about this, trying to give him suggestions and be more vocal about what I want and what isn't working for me, instead of hoping he will respond to non-verbal cues. I found a few respectful books on foreplay and cunnilingus and gave them to him, which initially he was very receptive of but didn't follow through on reading them. Whenever the subject is brought up it turns into a fight, I understand that it is coming out of insecurity and his need to feel like he is able to fulfill my needs, but he isn't willing to do anything that I have actually stated that I need him to do in order to fulfill my needs, which I don't understand.

We have recently moved back in together, and things have for the most part been going smoothly. I have asked him to be more helpful around the house, as I am a full time student and part time worker, he has a full time job as well. He has been noticeably more helpful, but still I feel is sometimes disrespectful of our shared space and takes for granted the fact that I will clean up after him as well as myself. If it gets brought up, he sometimes gets defensive and acts as if cleaning the house takes no effort or time and I am complaining for no reason.

We have also stopped having sex nearly as often, we are both busy and I find I am feeling quite resentful when it comes to sex, as I feel that he is being extremely stubborn and hardheaded when it comes to our sexual relationship. We are sometimes only having sex once a week now, and I'm feeling so frustrated and fed up with it. A few days ago he initiated sex with cunnilingus for the first time in probably 6 months or more, and it was amazing. We had fabulous sex, both got off twice, and I think felt more connected than we had in a long time.

I also have trouble getting in the mood when he doesn't seem to try and connect with me on any level except for physically, and he doesn't even try to do that in the way that I have told him that I need him to do it.

I guess I am just feeling so frustrated right now, I don't know why I am met with such resistance, anger and stubbornness when I am asking for my basic needs to be met within our relationship. It's like if I ever need him to do something different than what he is doing already, in order to meet a need, I am asking him to do too much and he just finds a reason or an excuse as to why he doesn't do it, instead of trying to compromise in order to help both of us feel fulfilled, secure and happy in our relationship. I love him so much and I know that he loves me a lot too, I don't want to lose this relationship as despite all of our problems it means a lot to me.

Am I just wasting my time in this relationship, or is there something that I can do to try and fix this terrible place of resentment and hostility that we are in? Sorry for the very long winded rant, but I am so stuck and need some help.
 

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IMO you have really given it a good try. I'm sorry to say that this will continue after your married. It will most likely become worse.
There is no magic in the wedding ceremony that will instantly change him into an oral magician.

As a reminder let me add marriage is a contract. What both parties bring to the table on that day is what is expected to remain as the basis of that contract. If you are bringing fighting, resentment and sexual issues then that is what will continue.

Do not expect him to change. He did for a little while and then has fallen back into familiar and comfortable patterns. A leopard doesn't change it's spots.

Read posts on here from people that have been married for 20+ years. Some have had the issues going into the marriage that they have now. Nothing changed for them. And now 2 kids, mortgage, car loans, etc. they are fed up and are talking about divorce. That is messy.

If you were my daughter my advice would be to end the engament.
 

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In somewhat same position as you. Except that kids are an issue, I say yes to kids. He says yes but cannot tell you when. Timelines are addressed and that is the cause of us being on rocks.

People tell me to call it off too
 

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its very frustrating when you love someone and just can't not only see eye to eye but not be able to come up with a solution agreed on by both parties. It sucks in a similar situation and I'm married. It won't get better. If it's a deal breaker for you than you probably should end the relationship. so sorry
 

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able to come up with a solution agreed on by both parties
Yeah this is BIG. We have managed to so far get through it by acknowledging what the other person is feeling and managing that pain as a couple. Writing letters to each other and documenting them has helped. It involves conversations on planning ahead.

When arguments end angrily it usually ends with us having a contest:

"I love you more than you love me!"
"Nuh uh! I love YOU more than you love ME!"
:lol:
silliness
 

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It's like if I ever need him to do something different than what he is doing already, in order to meet a need, I am asking him to do too much and he just finds a reason or an excuse as to why he doesn't do it, instead of trying to compromise in order to help both of us feel fulfilled, secure and happy in our relationship.
If this is a problem NOW, how do you think it is going to be when:

  • you are pregnant
  • your infant needs caring for in the middle of the night
  • you have a sick child
  • you develop an illness
  • one of you becomes unemployed
This is NOT a man who is going to step up to the plate and help you carry the burden! This is a man who is going to continue to do what HE THINKS is helping (whether it actually is or isn't) because he is UNWILLING to step out of his comfort zone.

Do you REALLY want to be having these EXACT SAME FIGHTS in 15, 20, 25 years? Well, *THAT* is exactly where you are headed.

You two are NOT the right fit for a long-term relationship. You need to move on. And, if I may suggest, DON'T BE SO QUICK to jump into 'living together' in the future; it makes it more difficult to make clear-headed judgements about a fairly-new relationship.
 
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