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Need some input, other than whats in my head:)

967 Views 8 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  LovesHerMan
Been married 9 years now to a wonderful person, however for the past few years I feel like my relationship so too 1 sided.

My wife never initiates sex, other than to maybe say once a month, "should we do it" Then it is a standard thing in the room, with no variety, ever!!

I don't want to sound like a complainer, because I am not a crazed sex fiend or anything. But, is this normal for a long marraige?

So, when any other woman shows any interest in me, touches me or anything, I go crazy! Thankfully I am kind of shy and not acted on any impulses, but it is hard. In past relationships, I have seen what its like for a woman to be an aggressor, and I want that terribly, but it just isn't happenning.

My wife is a stay at home mom. I completley support this whole thing, financially, I never work late. I love my kids to death! I am always here. I always go along with all responsibilities and family obligations, cook most dinners, clean and take care of the house. I go to night school to make our family life better, plus work full time in a high stress job. She takes care of the kids, and does a great job, but doesn't work.

So what happens, I tend to lie about things, because she is always diagrees with anything I want to do, going out with friends, fishing, stopping for a drink after work. So now I just dont even tell her what my plans are. Its easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. Should I have to ask for permission? I am almost 40!. That sounds a bit harsher than reality, because she is here with the kids. Its a trade off. But I always make sure I am never jealous, and I always let her go do what she wants, becuase I really dont mind. If she wanted to go away with friends, fine!, but I dont get that in return. I feel like I am venting here, but I am looking for some perspective from other folks. Thank you!
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I suggest you read the posts on here about men who give their spouses EVERYTHING they want. If you haven't told your wife about what's going on in your head you're making a huge mistake. You need to sit her down and make her understand that the marriage isn't working for you in its current state. It should be a calm rational discussion without accusing her of anything. She will be defensive no matter what you do so keep a level head at all times. You've resorted to lying to your wife to keep her from bothering you yet that isn't helping your situation. Women often lose respect for men that they can control easily. Some women become so immersed raising children they forget about their husbands needs and sometimes their own. If your children are young this might be the case. The only way you'll turn this around is to change your behavior. Begging her for sex or asking her to change almost never works. I've been there. If your needing "man time" then inform her of what you'll be doing and do it. Don't ask for permission for anything. This is a sign that your wife thinks she owns you and knows you will bend to her will. In short, you need to grow some balls and act like a man. Boys seek approval from their mothers, but men should be the leaders of their families. If you can't lead then you will never gain her respect. Once she sees you leading she will change and you will be appealing to her again if there are no other issues. This could take a while and it requires consistency and a calm resolve that you will not accept your current situation. By the way, lying is also something that boys do.
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Your marriage is one sided because YOU have allowed it to happen. You are a grown man and you don't have to ask permission to do anything. And how if she's a stay at home did you get stuck doing all the cooking and housework plus working and going to night school?

Your wife takes you for granted and you are doing too much.
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Coming from the other side, I wonder how much intimacy there is between you. Do you talk with her about your feelings, and hers, listen to her without fixing? Our sex life had diminished and neither of s talked about it. I felt it was my fault, I also thought my H blamed me too. But I now realise that he didn't really share much with me about what he felt, he was a good listener, but I wanted to know what he thought and felt. Intimacy is more than sex. I wasnt holding back on my H but I feel our a lack of emotional intimacy may have contributed to our diminished sex life. Aso, you need to take care of yourself, stop
doing literally everything. Do you say you love her, compliment her? I suggest you read The Five Languages of Love. You might want to do the self-test together to identify your love languages. You may be surprised.
Taking care of the kids (you don't mention how many or their ages) is WORK! I'm not excusing her behavior by any means, but that statement alone says you may not take seriously how much work is involved in doing that.

That being said, I was a SAHM (stay at home mom), now a SAHW (kids are grown/gone). I honestly believe if a SP is willing to do what it takes to financially support our household solo, then it's the other spouse's job to take care of the home front as part of their contribution to the relationship. You're having to do cooking & cleaning is WRONG!

As far as the lying - I see nothing you've said nor do I believe ANYONE regardless of their position/role in a relationship deserves to be LIED to for any reason. You need to stop this now. Lying is not going to make your situation better. If anything, it destroys any trust she may have for you. When that happens, you can add no trust to your list of marital issues. No trust breeds contempt and resentment on both sides.

Intimacy - chopsy has some great advice. Intimacy for a woman begins way before the bedroom. How much time do you two spend as a couple talking, dating, laughing, playing outside the bedroom?
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All great advice, thank you.

I have stopped doing everything, and have been more assertive about what I am doing, etc.. and basically stopped spending my whole existence making sure she is happy with everything. It has made me feel much better, but I think it has just pissed her off. It did not make her like me more. I realized that I could never make her 100% happy, so I basically stopped trying so hard. Not that I have given up, not at all, I just have been more selfish in some ways, about where I am going, what I am doing etc.. but in no ways have shirked any responsibilities.

I wouldn't say that I have been lying, I think that was the wrong choice of words. What I do is just do what I am going to do, and tell her if she asks. I used to call and say I am going to do this or that, and rather than say, oh cool have fun, or sounds good, ever. She immediatley disagrees with the idea, and I have to come up with 10 reasons why Its ok, and she should be cool with it. I am done with that. I do not think she will ever change in this regard, which sucks.

I disagree about not understanding how much work it takes, becuase I do. I do all the things modern dad's are expected to do happily. Having a family is great! It was however her dream to have a family,..and I made that happen.. because I love her, and wanted to make her happy, and continue to provide the support to make her happy. But alas, I still never feel it is enough to get the "attention" i seek. We stay at home every weekend, but with kids it can get boring. Shouldn't this be a fun time, where we can explore each other? I was hoping so, but it does not happen. I am completley attracted to her in so many ways, physically, everything. Other men certainly are attracted to her as well, so I do feel lucky. I just thought it was going to be more fulfilling. We did have a discussion a couple weeks ago, and she told me some of the additional things that she would like from me, including asking her about her day, etc.. But again, It feels it always a 1 sided conversation. You know that song, I want you to want me? I think that sums it up. You can't force it onto someone, lol!
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How much time do you two spend as a couple talking, dating, laughing, playing outside the bedroom?

you don't mention how many or their ages

You never did answer these questions..... What I can tell you is just like you enjoy time out with the guys for a drink, etc., she'd probably like from you the same consideration after being home with the kids all day. Do you make that option available to her as well? You're seeking attention, well she's probably seeking attention you're not giving her as well. You two are missing each other!!! Since YOU are the one here, it's up to YOU to take the lead on this and get your relationship help. A good start would be the book Five Love Languages. This book has been recommended many times and can help tremendously in situations such as yours. It will show you both how to 'spell' love to each other.
It's easier to ask for forgiveness but it doesn't sound like you are forgiven. I would be very upset of my husband didn't come home and didn't tell me where he was.
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You two have fallen into a marriage rut. Here are some ideas to break out of the same old, same old.

Home made sex game cards:

10 Homemade Sex Games Ideas

Give each other a long, slow massage with coconut oil. Localize the rubbing after 10 minutes.

Both of you must come up with ideas about what to do for 1 weekend a month--go out for a nice dinner without the kids; have a picnic by a lake; make out in your car after seeing a movie; capture each other for a night's stay in a hotel, etc.

Ask your wife what ideas she has for increased intimacy.

Spend time paying attention to each other without the kids. Having a strong marriage is the best thing that you can do for them.
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