[Tango]

My husband and I have been together for 18 years and married for 12. Four years into our relationship, and one child later, I had major back surgery resulting in a back brace for 7 months. This kind do put a damper on things. Then we got pregnant with our second child. This is when my husband started sleeping in another bed. He said he didn't want to accidentally hit my back. I thought he was being considerate. second child has auto immune disease that stresses this marriage and family to the limit. Somehow,we have managed to stay together. We have a great relationship -except in the bedroom. I have a wonderful husband who has always made sure that I was satisfied before himself. I love him dearly. Over the past 12 years I have asked for sex. Every once in a while I'm successful.

About a month ago after not having sex for well over a year,we had sex. I couldn't please him because I think he had 1 too many and he was too tired. He works a couple weeks on /couple of weeks off. when he came home for this rotation, had high hopes based on the last time he was home. I couldn't have been more wrong. I asked 3 times before I was finally told yes. I started to touch him just as I always have. He wasn't getting hard so I,asked if I could go down - no. The next thing he says is that I have natural lube and he doesn't 't and that I' being too aggressive and hurting him. Well that's a mood breaker. Nobody went home happy that day.

I,have grid ti discuss this with him, but I,just get messed up and can't really express myself the way I want to. I have written him a letter that I intend to slip in his bag before he goes back to work. At least then he will have time to,think about,what my concerns are.

What am I doing wrong? I feel like my mare eagle is falling apart and there is no way to stop it. What can I do to turn him on again? I don't want to lose my marriage and all the good stuff that goes with it, but I can't live like this for too much longer.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[827Aug]

Has he had a complete check up recently? Perhaps health problems? Is there a chance he is seeing someone else?

 

[Tango]

No and we spend too much time together for him to have an affair. My first thought was medical as well.

Thanks.

 

[Dad&Hubby]

I would venture to guess its two fold.

He probably has some health issues happening and he also probably has some emotional issues going on. It sounds like there's a lot of stress in the house (not in bad ways, just the cards you've been dealt) and if you combine low testosterone with stress, you get a man who doesn't think of sex often.

 

[missmolly]

My husband developed erectile dysfunction and wouldn't let me touch him. I never dreamed that he would have such hangups about it as we had always been so close.
Tread very gently if you think this may be the case, but DON'T give up.

 

[Tango]

Thank you so much for pointing me in some direction. I can see stress being an issue. I don't know if I can talk him into seeing a dr. But that might help. I didn't slip the letter in I his bags. I figured it might be a bit much so I think I may just give it to him. Once it's all on the table I'll be able to talk to him.

Thanks again

 

[EnjoliWoman]

Also, is he afraid of pregnancy again? I would imagine after having a high-needs child might make him afraid if you got pregnant again he just couldn't take it. Tubal, vasectomy, IUD, etc.. might help if that's a fear. Did he want children? I ask since he stopped sleeping with you when you were pregnant with the second one. Maybe he is resentful.

Why did you ask to go down? I would have just done it.

 

[missmolly]

I read on TAM only yesterday that one man is put off by being asked.
I know I am.

 

[ved]

.

 

[Jellybeans]

Is he gay?



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[anotherguy]

Im not surprised in the slightest that after a year off, things did not go so well... so I woulnt overthink that. You were tipsy and he wasnt in the mood again.

Without knowing more than you you have written in your first post - It just seems to me that you both - from family challenges and health issues and everything else have simply drifted apart. Maybe Im wrong.

Before you write a letter - you could have someone you trust - really trust - look at it? You realy need to be sure your message is getting accross clearly - the chance for misunderstanding through written word is fairly high on a topic a charged as sex, or lack of it.

What else are you doing in your relationship to spend time together, to be close, to be with each other without all the distractions, to talk. You say you have a great relationship, but how close are you? Do you hug, for example?

Sex aint gonna happen in isolation. Is he still sleeping in a seperate bed, and why? I think just 'going down' would have been a disaster until you can figure out how to improve something else here first. Its been going on for 12 years so its going to take more than a quick fix.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

I have a couple thoughts running through my mind. First, if your time between sex can be measured in years, whether he can get it up or not, I would think that he has essentially "detached" from you. He starts seeing you as a roommate or sibling and it's not easy to get back. I would think the detachment would have started during the first 7 month break after your surgery.

The other thing that's going through my mind is that with such long stretches between sex with you I would VERY STRONGLY suspect a porn and masturbation habit. A guy has to cope, don't kid yourself that he's not taking care of himself for years at a time. That's not an easy habit to break, and if he does it shortly before you try to have sex with him, it can be impossible to get it up.

Finally, I have to wonder if these long dry periods are a source of resentment. It's very difficult to be attracted to someone when you resent them for the dry spells. I know this from personal experience.

Edited to add: I almost hate to bring this up, but are you still, um, physically attractive to him? Reasonable weight gain over the years? Still spend time on your hair? Wear sexy cloths? Skirts, tight tops, whatever? And I can't emphasize enough that you need to be sleeping in the same bed. Every night. My wife's new rule that we cuddle in bed every night is a big part of my own sexless turnaround. It doesn't always lead to sex, but it often does. And what's more, it brings us closer together emotionally.

 

[Tango]

I asked to go down because other times when I have headed in that direction I was told to stop so I thought I should ask. We both have let ourselves go. It has been very difficult for me to maintain any kind if normal weight as my medical condition prevents me from lifting weights for example. I had two years of not being allowed to lift more than about 10 lbs. We have a belly laugh every single day. That's how we how coped I guess. I can only remember a few times when that didn't happen. He is a great father and provider. The letter I wrote is further to,our conversation. I have been writing and revising for over a week. I have made sure that he understands that I'm not blaming him. I keep revising it so I think I'll just hang on to it for a bit and see what happens. I'm trying to plan something for when he gets home next rotation,buti'm feeling a little apprehensive. If he's thinking of me as a room mate, then I really don't know how I'm going to get around that one. I'm not prepared,to give up on my marriage. I really am still I love with him.