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Need some advice

826 Views 12 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  BigMac
I'm currently separated from my wife (2.5 years married, total of 10 years together). She initiated the move and feels distant from me and was hurt by my lack of attention and lack of listening. I did not intend, nor realize that she was hurt nor felt distant. I focused too much on work and am dealing with a woman who is not very outwardly emotional and is very strong/independent. This situation came down to lack of communication.

At first she moved in with her parents in the sticks, but the long commute and gas money was too much combined with her demanding job. She moved back into the house into our 2nd bedroom a few weeks ago. We are cordial to each other and I am giving her space per her request.

The thing is, I'm not sure if I should be writing her love letters and get her a nice Christmas gift (I already got her an awesome birthday gift for this weekend). Should I take a business trip and be gone for a while or would that separation be a bad thing?

Reading the helpful threads on here, it seems I have to not be afraid to lose her and focus on making myself better and more attractive, but how do I do that when I'm terrified that I may lose her and I love her so damn much? I want to win her back and show her that I understand and can improve our relationship (along with her cooperation).

What should I be doing?
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So if your wife is so independent and strong why can't she handle the lack of communication, why does she not have the strength to fight for the marriage?

Or was there some one else and realized the grass wasn't greener on the other side and came back to you?

Even if there was no one else, if it was me I would no way in hell be rewarding my wife for walking out on me. Her consequence for this kind of bull crap would at the very least a good spanking. At most she sleeps on the couch.

But if you want this emotional torture to come back later in the future and infect your marriage again you could be a "nice guy"!!

I'm all for improving communication and going to a pro to help me learn the tools to be a better husabnd, but she walked out and with that kind of behavior comes consequences with the mind set of preventing it from happening again.

Hell the both of you could some counseling!

BTW, cicks dig confident men so start acting like one by letting her know you won't tolorate her walking out everytime it gets tough. Wayward wife use this ecuse all the time to have a fling....just so you know.
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I'm quite confident and have to be for my day to day job. There are no flings. If I were not confident, I guess I would worry there is a fling or would be a fling developing, but that's not my worry.

I'm concerned that I would lose her. Part of her issue is I haven't given her enough power/voice in our relationship and I see her point. I have bought vehicles and even our house without consulting her. Thing is, I have not experienced her voicing her displeasure, until the seperation. Part of that is my fault, as I have ignored her complaints.

Please. What do you guys think I should do?
I am in a similar boat as far as not seeing any signs until it was too late. My wife also is an outward emotional rock and did not complain or tell me she was unhappy.

Like you I hate the thought of losing her and wish there was a way to save our marriage.

Unfortunately I don't know what that is or how to do it. Mine is at least having a EA with another man and such my marriage may be well past saving.

I don't like all of the posts about giving up hope, but in some cases those marriages were unhappy for a while. Sounds like you were happy in your (like me mine) before this started.

I am trying to move on because there is nothing else that I see I could do that doesn't risk driving her away. Like you a 180 for me might be being more emotionally open, but then we risk being a door mat...

If you find the magic key please post it here.
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Increasing your aloofness by doing a 180 is not likely to win her back if her complaint was you not listening and not paying attention to her. Has either of you suggested marriage counselling? If you believe that she has a point about your flaws, what are you doing to change that?

The 180 is designed to help you get to a place where you can move on. In some situations, it shows the other spouse that you have other options, and what they'll be missing, which makes them second guess giving up on the relationship. But that's not the real purpose of it, and it's a dangerous game to play. Especially if the spouse was already complaining of not being connected. Then you're just throwing gas on a bonfire.

However... That doesn't mean that you need to be a push-over too. Just because its inconvenient for her doesn't mean you have to live together. That's just enabling her to use you. Of course, while you're married, she likely has just as much right to live there as you do. So start taking steps to commit to either work with you to resolve the issues in your marriage, or separate properly. But in the mean time, demonstrate that you are serious about "fixing yourself", but do it for your own sake. If she's the beneficiary of the "You 2.0", that's great. If it's your next relationship that benefits from your improvements, that's fine with you too.

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Marriage counceling is a no go for us. She has stated again and again that she has no interest in saving the marriage (ouch) that I didnt know was on the rocks.

She is going to IC, but with how she feels I would be the therapist is telling her to move on with her life.

I threw my emotions out this morning and it didnt seem to make things better. After talking she was still hiding the fact that she actually filed for divorce the other day without telling me (which she said she would).

I wish i could do something that didnt make things worse. Everything seems to.

Kramber, i think you may still have a shot if you talk to her or can get MC. At the very least you may be able to leave the relationship knowing you tried your best.
Thanks for the advice. I really need it right now. I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking about what it would be like to not only lose my wife, but losing my dogs as well. I love them all and couldn't bare to be without them.

We're supposed to talk tonight, but I don't think she's interested in IC nor MC. I suggested IC, since I'm in it, but when I mentioned it, she took it as an insult.

This morning she said she's stuck between 'devotion to me and her happiness'. I'm not sure what that means yet, but I guess I'll find out tonight. I just hope it doesn't mean she wants to see other people.

Also, yeah I'm not sure getting away or avoidance helps. A 180 may not be best in my case. I'm still not sure what is.
lost in spaces,

Yes, I def want to know that I tried my best to save our marriage. I friend told me that people he knows that divorced, but didn't work hard to try to save it are the most disappointed about their divorce/themselves.
Tonight we are having a sit down conversation, so we'll see how it goes. I'm going to keep things simple and express that I'm hurt, I love her and need her and that I'd like to improve or work on our marriage.

This morning she said she's 'all #$cked up, because she is having problems reconciling her devotion to me and her happiness'. I'm not sure what that means, but after our conversation tonight, perhaps I will.

It's a different language...
" Woman doesn't like wussies " , remember this and be strong . Tell her how you feel but don't cry !
For me is working somehow

Good luck
I have already hit bottom, so I didn't cry tonight. I kind of disagree with your general premise though BigMac.
So, we had a conversation and since we have been seperated she has realized that she believes we are imcompatible and that she cannot be happy with me, whereas I have discovered I need her and should have/could have been a better husband.

She made it clear she doesn't want to work to better our relationship and she wants a divorce. I was pretty rational about it, because I was already hurt and at bottom, so not far to fall. I was polite and told her I shared some blame, though I was dissappointed and hurt.

This is the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my adult life. I'm at bottom and I'm not suicidal (it helps she hasn't cheated), so I guess I have nowhere to go except up.

At first, I thought my house should be her and the dog's, but actually, she's the one that wants to separate, so I'm thinking about taking my house (solely in my name) and having her find an apartment.

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I just shared my experience . You don't have to do what I do.
I cried once in front of her at the very begin - she just said with an ice cold voice ( think she was up set ) - I'm sorry you feel that way sweaty.

Now when we talk about those things I'm always nice , polite and strong - she talk with respect to me and listen to all I say very carefully.

But in general I believe that " woman doesn't like wussies " !
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