Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 27 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey everyone. This is my first time posting on this forum so I’m hoping to get a bit of advice. I’m 32M and my fiancé is 30F have been together for approximately 4 years (we don’t live together). We are both working full time jobs and making decent incomes as well (she currently makes more than I do). I’d say we have a pretty equal relationship and both carry our own weight and can “somewhat” talk openly with each other. We don’t fight/yell/scream at each other or purposely disregard each other’s feelings.

the main reason I am posting is is because it revolves around money/finances. We don’t spend a lot of money buying each other small gifts thought the years, but I have bought her a new laptop as well as a new phone earlier in the relationship which was a hefty price. On top of that we have gone on 3/4 trips together as well all in which I sorted out and spent the money on (one of the trips being where I proposed and gave a pretty expensive ring). I did cover hotel cost, Airbnb and the food cost when we were at the destination was split pretty evenly. One of the trips I ended up getting roughly a $3500 gift card from work and I ended up paying the difference out of my pocket when I could of probably used the cash for something else but I really wanted to go on a trip together. She does pay for meals, our joint phone bill and stuff whenever we go out so that’s no concern.

it Has been a while since we’ve gone on a trip together and she keeps on mentioning that we should go on an all inclusive vacation again. I have been kind of disregarding it because I kind of want her to just plan it and tell me “hey we’re going here so pack your bags”…kind of how I did it with the 3 other trips prior.

I don’t expect lots of gifts or for her to buy me expensive things as I usually just buy whatever I want for myself but there are some things that do “bug” me. One being is that I kind of wished I would of received something from her to remember our engagement by as how I got her a diamond ring as well as took her on a trip and surprised her with the proposal. I don’t even care if it’s a simple keychain with a date, or a $50 watch for that matter. Now she keeps on saying things like “we should go on a vacation”, “We should go to Jamaica next”…etc.

Money is definitely not an issue for either of us but I kind of hope she would take some matters into her own hands and reciprocate when it comes to going on another trip to pick up the expense. Now that Christmas is around the corner I asked what would you like for Christmas and she said I don’t want any material things but I want to get away you for a weekend or go on vacation…and again I kind of disregarded it because I don’t want to pay for it.

I understand that the proposal trip we went on was on me because I wanted to do it for her. Let’s just say That total trip cost including the ring was $15k+…i Kind of wished she would see the things I have done for her and would plan something similar in return.

she is not a bad person at all, she treats me with love and respect and I can tell that she cares for me…just this trip thing is really bothering me

I hope I provided enough information…if there is anything else, feel free to ask. But how would I approach this situation?

thank you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,315 Posts
Maybe she wants you to be the planner.
With most couples, one person usually does the planning and organizing moreso than the other.

Does she do other things to contribute to the relationship?
If she does other things for you, than that's not bad.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,877 Posts
and can “somewhat” talk openly with each other.
First -- THIS needs to be fixed. If you can't talk to each other NOW, it won't be any better when you actually get married!

As for the trips -- if she is pushing to go, just tell her "You setup whereever you want us to go, and I will make sure I can take off" That should give her the indication that SHE needs to make the plans, reservations, etc.

As for finances, you need to figure that out before you get married -- joint accounts, separate, both, etc...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Maybe she wants you to be the planner.
With most couples, one person usually does the planning and organizing moreso than the other.

Does she do other things to contribute to the relationship?
If she does other things for you, than that's not bad.
In terms of contributing; she does cook meals for me (I cook for her as well), she provides emotional support, respect, intimacy, loyalty. She plans date nights/movie nights and takes me out for dinners (we both do it for each other). She contributes in every way I can possibly think of EXCEPT for when it comes to these trips or getting away for the weekend. We have probably gone away on vacations or spent the weekend away locally at least 15 times or more and she probably has paid for like 3-4 of them. Even when we go on road trips, I will drive us in my car for 3-6 hours and pay for the gas as well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
First -- THIS needs to be fixed. If you can't talk to each other NOW, it won't be any better when you actually get married!

As for the trips -- if she is pushing to go, just tell her "You setup whereever you want us to go, and I will make sure I can take off" That should give her the indication that SHE needs to make the plans, reservations, etc.

As for finances, you need to figure that out before you get married -- joint accounts, separate, both, etc...
we have discussed finances for when we get married such as having a joint account because essentially it is OUR money (her words, not mine). But we are both on the same page when it comes to that.

The main concern here is with trips/weekend getaways
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,315 Posts
In terms of contributing; she does cook meals for me (I cook for her as well), she provides emotional support, respect, intimacy, loyalty. She plans date nights/movie nights and takes me out for dinners (we both do it for each other). She contributes in every way I can possibly think of EXCEPT for when it comes to these trips or getting away for the weekend. We have probably gone away on vacations or spent the weekend away locally at least 15 times or more and she probably has paid for like 3-4 of them. Even when we go on road trips, I will drive us in my car for 3-6 hours and pay for the gas as well.
She needs to contribute to the road trip, even if you're the planner.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,205 Posts
You should make the plans. She’s openly telling you what she wants . If you don’t plan it, she will take that as you not caring. I would plan it and let her know you need half for the all the expenses. With her making more than you, there’s no reason she shouldn’t be paying half of the cost.

I would stop buying her expensive gifts. They’re causing you to expect similar thoughtfulness but that’s not who she is. Besides your gifts should come from your heart as expressions of your love and not have expectations tied to them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,156 Posts
Maybe she is an old fashioned gal: she expects the man to pay for everything... :) I'm afraid there is no good way to bring this up with her. What about saying, bluntly: I'd like to go on another trip... what about you paying for it this time? She will probably get offended, though. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
185 Posts
It seems that one of your love languages is gifts, hers perhaps isn't and you may have to consider that and decide if that's something you can live with. (Based on what you said, hers may be quality time.)

With regards to organising an upcoming trip, perhaps tell her you'll happily organise it but you're trying to save right now (even if you're not) so want to double check she's happy to contribute towards it and ask what her budget is for it? You should be able to talk openly about it and not fear the conversation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,356 Posts
OP, you're all about keeping score, aren't you?

I can't imagine a guy doing that; I've only experienced dating generous men (and some who downright told me in no uncertain terms I was NEVER to offer to pay when I was out with him). I'm older so we're a different generation, but I can't imagine some guy always keeping financial score or wanting to go Dutch on a date. I can go Dutch with my coworkers for god's sake. I can't think of anything less romantic.

She apparently isn't keeping score like you are because she sees you both putting your paychecks into one general bank account when you marry. If you're that bothered by her not contributing exactly as much as you, then you'll have to say something. If you don't have the testicular fortitude to talk to her about money, then you shouldn't even think about marrying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,315 Posts
OP, you're all about keeping score, aren't you?

I can't imagine a guy doing that; I've only experienced dating generous men (and some who downright told me in no uncertain terms I was NEVER to offer to pay when I was out with him). I'm older so we're a different generation, but I can't imagine some guy always keeping financial score or wanting to go Dutch on a date. I can go Dutch with my coworkers for god's sake. I can't think of anything less romantic.

She apparently isn't keeping score like you are because she sees you both putting your paychecks into one general bank account when you marry. If you're that bothered by her not contributing exactly as much as you, then you'll have to say something. If you don't have the testicular fortitude to talk to her about money, then you shouldn't even think about marrying.
While I think the OP needs to understand that his girlfriend my be emotionally fed different than he is, he still needs to be fed emotionally. After a while, one can't help but end up shriveling like a raisin, if she's not feeding him.
I say that for him as well, he should be asking what she needs to be fed.

He needs gifts. What are her needs?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14,560 Posts
$15k???? Good grief, you certainly like expensive holidays 🙄

If she suggests a holiday again just say that you can pay half each. It's concerning that you can't communicate about this. Sign of things to come?

When we go away, I always research/book it. It's just something I do and it doesn't bother me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,205 Posts
OP, you're all about keeping score, aren't you?

I can't imagine a guy doing that; I've only experienced dating generous men (and some who downright told me in no uncertain terms I was NEVER to offer to pay when I was out with him). I'm older so we're a different generation, but I can't imagine some guy always keeping financial score or wanting to go Dutch on a date. I can go Dutch with my coworkers for god's sake. I can't think of anything less romantic.

She apparently isn't keeping score like you are because she sees you both putting your paychecks into one general bank account when you marry. If you're that bothered by her not contributing exactly as much as you, then you'll have to say something. If you don't have the testicular fortitude to talk to her about money, then you shouldn't even think about marrying.
I too am of the mindset to pay when I was dating. With my wife, we have always had joint accounts. I have always made much more than my wife and when our kids were younger, she was a SAHM but throughout, it was always our money. But in OPs case, they’re not married or even living together and let’s not forget that she makes more than him.

I think this is going to be a problem down the line for this couple. Just because she makes more money, it doesn’t mean she will not want her man to carry the load. I think this is something that is hardwired into both sexes. With increasing amounts of women making more than their husbands/boyfriends eventually there has to be a change in expectations but I wonder it’s really possible.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
308 Posts
First of all, do not open joint accounts until you are married. I'm a financial counselor and I can't tell you the number of times I've had to help people sort out their stuff when they joined accounts and then split. Just don't do it.

From your OP, there seems to be a lot of wishing and hoping and hoping and wishing. You just have these ideas in your head about how she should act and respond to your gifts and that's not her. I get it. I do things for my wife and would love for her to do similar things and surprises for me, but that's not going to happen because that's not her. She's not wired that way. Sit down with your GF and tell her what you are feeling. Don't tell her you want her to do X, Y, and Z, just tell her what you are feeling. If you can't do that, you two don't belong together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,134 Posts
One of the most recommended books on this site is No More Mr Nice Guy, you have a lot of covert contracts in your head. Things like this do not get better. You need to not only sort this out, but sort out what will happen if/when you have kids. As Dice said, if you can't talk to her then why are you marrying her?

Also, this is fairly common. As others have mentioned, even when the woman makes more, she still wants the guy to be in the provider role. You fed into that by being very traditional with the princess treatment with the nice ring, trips, and so on. So part of this monster is your own creation.

At 32 you have plenty of time to make more money and get more muscles which results in more women. So don't force something now just to have it blow up in a couple years right after the first kid drops.

Best of luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,348 Posts
I totally understand your thought processes, snd how you are feeling this way. You’ve indicated that communication between you two is not as good as it could be. That’s the problem. Figure out a way to communicate your feelings about money and reciprocation in the best way. She’s either in the same page as you, or she’s not. If she’s not, that is something to consider.
Wanting time with you rather than a gift—- I see that as a damn good thing. You have got to get to the point if communicating all your thoughts with one another within reason, or you likely won’t live one another as you should, and the relationship will falter. Don’t keep things in and let it build resentment. It’s a terrible stumbling block.
Btw, I don’t mean to come off as an expert at such things, just pointing out things I see. You know it’s always easy to point out things from the sideline. 😋
Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,027 Posts
Welcome to 2021.

This is a reality that many couples need to address and it will become more and more of a dynamic as women become more educated and continue to enter into well paying professions.

While there will be traditionalists that will talk about how we are “hardwired” for men to plan and pay for everything, the reality is we can no longer just assume that the men will simply do all the planning and foot the bill for everything out of tradition and old-school chivalry. That simply doesn’t make sense to assume an outdated paradigm when everything else within the relationship dynamics have fundamentally changed.

We can’t make the old world assumptions on gender roles when the foundations of economics and financial dynamics have changed.

Right or wrong, people are simply going to need to discuss it and come up with the methods and practices that will work for them.

People are going to have to open their mouths and talk about and come to agreements.

If she wants you to plan everything and pay for everything, that’s her perogative, but it’s also your perogative to tell her to put up or ****** off if you feel like you’re simply being used and taken for a ride.

Or if you are ok with planning and paying for everything, it will need to be with the understanding that it will have to be within your budget.

But it doesn’t have to be high conflict or contentious. People simply need to learn to talk and communicate.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,265 Posts
Ok you can't communicate openly if you are afraid to ask her to pitch in on holiday expenses.

BTW if you spontaneously plan these without input from her then that's would then be rude to expect her to pay for it. She may not view this as worth the money.

In each relationship people usually take on roles. You seem to be the planner. You can't expect her to also be a planner. You have to accept her as she is. You seem to be keeping score and you don't seem like you feel loved because she doesn't act the way you do.

I know you are from a younger generation but gift giving isn't usually in many females repertoire. Many women express their love for you with cooking or sex or words.

It isn't unreasonable for you to desire the things you do. It is unreasonable for you to think things will magically change after 4 years of established behavior. You need to get this sorted before the wedding. Because marrying someone who is already causing you to build resentment hoping for change is a recipe for divorce. You need to either take stock and think about how she expresses love for you and be happy. Don't plan things you will get mad about later.... OR sit down and talk with her. Tell her you'd love to go on an all-inclusive trip as well. Ask her what her budget is since you'll expect her to pay for her half. Or tell her you can't wait to see what she plans for you two and let her know what your budget for 1/2 the trip is.

You need to learn to express your desires or to accept what she is offering. You can't expect her to read your mind. In addition you two have 4 years of an established relationship dynamic. You are obviously not happy with this dynamic. She probably has no idea. She may also not like a new dynamic. You both need to fix this BEFORE marriage.
 
1 - 20 of 27 Posts
Top