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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I found out by accident that my husband has been having an affair. I went through some emails that had been going back and forth.

I went insane! I am in England on holiday with my kids and we live in Australia. He works for an international company a well known company.

In my fog of disbelief, hurt, anger and pain I posted on the Companys Webiste the name of my cheating husband and name of his other woman who also works at the company.

It has caused a bit of a stir as you can imagine. I also sent a message to his boss and MD.

My husband is remorseful. I would have had no idea an affair had taken place if I did not come across the emails. I called him and he admitted it.

Anyway the point is .... He is probably going to loose his job over this. However, he has asked me to write a grovelling apology and state that I have been mistaken and that no affair had taken place.

If my husband cannot get a job, we will loose our house. I will probably write and apology (public) knowing that it is not true. His colleagues are going to think he is married to some nutter. However, is this better than him loosing his job?

Any advice would be welcome .. please
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Forgot to say .. when I did post comments on the companys' website I was very drunk. I don't drink normally but just couldn't cope with being alone and sad. Not right and fair I know.
 

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Well here you have the choice between lying and your financial security.

First I would try and just tell the bosses that you got drunk and made a mistake. If they buy that without other questions and do not fire your husband then you could get by lucky. If they do not and you want to lie to save your financial situation then I would not condemn you.

As for the affair, you need to set some guidelines that require certain actions for years for your husband to follow. If he needs to have a strong incentive to follow through on his actions to rehabilitate you could always send his bosses the emails.

If your husband does not correct his infidelity then your marriage will not last and your financial security will be significantly damaged.
 

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Well, in one way you did what we advise and expose the affair. You probably did more to save your marriage in that one drunken swipe than many people do in six months [cough].

This is the priority now. His job is very much second because as much as you think an affair causes damage, you want to try a Divorce!

Ok. So I agree with the advice that you should apologize for posting on the company website.
You do not apologize for the content.
You do not suck it up for your now remorseful [o-m-g-i-got-caught Husband.]
It is a consequence of the affair that you ALL have to pay.

He is going to have to change jobs anyway. The OW can not be in his life at all.

There are going to be a lot of changes and a lot of financial hits, but if he really is remorseful. he will agree to them
 

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You don't grovel to him about ANYTHING, and in any WAY SHAPE OR FORM

he cheated, and now he suffers your consequences-------if there is any groveling to be done---it needs to come from him, as he shows remorse, repentance, and hoes all the heavy lifting to get back into your good graces, and back into the mge---if that is what you want

He should NEVER get to demand or even ask for what he wants

This is your ballgame, played by your rules, and if he doesn't like it---he can see a D., atty anytime---and make sure you make it very plain to him,---he does what you want, or he leaves
 

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Looks like your husband needs to start job hunting... FAST.

He caused this problem not you.

What's happening to the women he had an affair with?
 

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She is still working at the same company, same department.
So the company does not care about the affair? They only care about appearance? Like the nutty email sent by a very upset drunk wife?

Or is it your husband who wants the apology to cover his tracks?

I’m not sure it’s worth doing the apology. It is what it is. No apology to the company will make them accept either your posting or his affair.

You can try but I doubt it will save his job if they plan to can him over this.

He does need to job hunt because your marriage cannot be repaired if he's working with the other woman. He cannot ever have any contact with her again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
So the company does not care about the affair? They only care about appearance? Like the nutty email sent by a very upset drunk wife?

Or is it your husband who wants the apology to cover his tracks?

I’m not sure it’s worth doing the apology. It is what it is. No apology to the company will make them accept either your posting or his affair.

You can try but I doubt it will save his job if they plan to can him over this.

He does need to job hunt because your marriage cannot be repaired if he's working with the other woman. He cannot ever have any contact with her again.
I think it is in their contract that they are not allowed to have affairs and that it is instant dismissal. He was been working away and will be back in the office tomorrow and has been aaked to see the MD immediately. So I am assumming that it is not to offer him a cream tea...
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I understand totally that affairs happen for a reason. I need to take some responsibility in this too. It's just the way it has all come out. There was no need for an affair :-(
 

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Affairs happen due to poor boundaries and a lack of morals. Don't you dares take any blame for his affair!

If he was unhappy he should have told you he was, if he was slipping in the marriage he should have opened up, if he wanted to f*ck other women he should have never got married, or divorced you in order to go do what he likes.

And I don't think you did the wrong thing at all. If he kept his job he would still be working with OW and you would be feeling sick with panic every day in case he is screwing her still.

No! What you did was ace!

You killed the affair and exposed in one fell swoop...brilliant! Surely not living limbo hell, not having to go through the not knowing if he continues affair, all that is worth any sacrifices IMO. And it would be good for your H to experience some tough repurcussions of losing job and house, that which he had provided for his family gone through his own stupidity! Don't write the letter, don't apologise, stand by all you said, and keep your head high.

Can you live with the sacrifice of a smaller house? Can you live with less money for peace of mind and your integrity in tact?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Affairs happen due to poor boundaries and a lack of morals. Don't you dares take any blame for his affair!

If he was unhappy he should have told you he was, if he was slipping in the marriage he should have opened up, if he wanted to f*ck other women he should have never got married, or divorced you in order to go do what he likes.

And I don't think you did the wrong thing at all. If he kept his job he would still be working with OW and you would be feeling sick with panic every day in case he is screwing her still.

No! What you did was ace!

You killed the affair and exposed in one fell swoop...brilliant! Surely not living limbo hell, not having to go through the not knowing if he continues affair, all that is worth any sacrifices IMO. And it would be good for your H to experience some tough repurcussions of losing job and house, that which he had provided for his family gone through his own stupidity! Don't write the letter, don't apologise, stand by all you said, and keep your head high.

Can you live with the sacrifice of a smaller house? Can you live with less money for peace of mind and your integrity in tact?
Food for thought .. thank you
 

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Im sorry but that has to be a blatent lie about a company policy regarding infidelity, there is no way! Dont let him make his problem your problem. Is this company policy something you knew a long time ago or is it something he told you after you busted him. That sounds like a very creative way of covering his tracks because he is so embarassed. If you go through with that yes you will look like the wackjob not him. By the way, ultimately if you decide to leave him because of the affair you will be selling the house anyway. Just try to think it out but he brought this on himself not you. gl2u
 

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Karen,
Sorry you are here, but keep posting and you will get very good support from other people who have walked im similar shoes.

I think it is good that your husband is facing emediate and hard consequences of his actions. He knew it was against company policy and yet he chose to disregard. He also knew that you wouldn't approve of his cheating, yet he chose to disregard. Now it's time for him to pay for the meal he had of his own choice.

If you cave and apologize, he will learn that you sort of accept his behaviour. You have shown great strength here - and don't you dare take any responsibility for his poor choices!!

If you had any difficulties in your marriage whatsoever, there must have been hundreds of ways other than cheating to handle them.

Hang in there, you don't deserve to be cheated on, and you should not take the blame for you husbands bad behaviour.
 

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Karen,

I take a rather more pragmatic view. Lie like the devil to your husband's boss. Tell him anything.

BUT.

Make sure your husband emails you or that you have some evidence that he is asking you to lie on his behalf and recant the accusations.

Then, if everything goes wrong or your husband is not sufficiently remorseful, you can ensure that he gets fired: 1 - for the affair and 2- for pressuring you into lying.

In the meantime, lying to his boss buys you that most valuable of commodities - TIME.

Putting the added pressure of having no home and not being able to eat is something you don't need.

This isn't about vengeance, it's about REAL LIFE.

Once you have done this and assured short term financial security, then get to work on your husband.

Please do not get your husband the sack. It achieves nothing and punishes you.

Have you heard the phrase "Cutting your nose off to spite your face"?
 

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No letter, no way no how.
Suggest to him that he ask his affair partner to write a letter of appology on the company website appologizing to the company, to you and to her husband/boyfriend.

Dont discount the theory that he is trying to protect his affair partner(AP) by having you appear to be a crazed psycho. she may be in deep trouble with her husband -

If he's any good at his job it shouldnt take long to find another job. Seek legal advice. If the company has such a policy you MAY be able to institute a suit against them for failing to enforce their non-frat policy. Your lawyer can threaten to depose all workmates to see if the affair was common knowledge to people with authority or duty to report it.
 

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Karen,

I take a rather more pragmatic view. Lie like the devil to your husband's boss. Tell him anything.

BUT.

Make sure your husband emails you or that you have some evidence that he is asking you to lie on his behalf and recant the accusations.

Then, if everything goes wrong or your husband is not sufficiently remorseful, you can ensure that he gets fired: 1 - for the affair and 2- for pressuring you into lying.

In the meantime, lying to his boss buys you that most valuable of commodities - TIME.

Putting the added pressure of having no home and not being able to eat is something you don't need.

This isn't about vengeance, it's about REAL LIFE.

Once you have done this and assured short term financial security, then get to work on your husband.

Please do not get your husband the sack. It achieves nothing and punishes you.

Have you heard the phrase "Cutting your nose off to spite your face"?

Not sure I agree with this.

The "no affair rule" at the company is there for a reason. Him getting fired is justice and may save the marriage.

If you save his job and he gets to see the OW every day he will not be the man he is supposed to be to his wife.

A marriage can overcome financial issues easier that continued cheating and lying.

Plus at this point I would stick to the high road and lying is not the high road.

Apologize for the email but reiterate that the content is true.
 

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At this point I don't know that it matters.

Frequently, people see things. People talk. But people also want to keep their heads down and not get old George the sack over a bit of sex.

UNTIL the bigwigs start to ask questions. Suddenly they decide that lying in an investigation isn't worth their job.

Most likely, people knew about it before but you made it impossible to rug sweep.

So you could lie. I'm just not sure if that loss of integrity will gain you anything.
 
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Karen

Listen closely. Even if you do take it back, it is done. You can bet that the human resources and IT department have already pulled their email logs and because they were work f^ckbuddies, they have all the evidence they need to fire your husband and her.

Taking it back will not work and just make you miserable for lying for your lying husband.

And one more thing - he is remorseful? What has he done in the last few days to take ownership of the affair and rectify it. He is SORRY HE WAS CAUGHT. He would have gone on cheating if you had not exposed it. Be careful that you are letting your fear over losing a house, no matter how gorgeous and palacial it might be, over your mental health. We betrayed spouses can screw ourselves royally thinking the wayward spouse has changed when they really have not.

Strength to you. But my best advice is get in contact with your solicitor and start the divorce proceedings. This need not be a final act, but it will protect you and your kids.

He has a lot of work to do.
 
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