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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DDay was 16 months ago. Everything was swept under the rug until about 5 months ago. I couldn't take seeing him in constant pain and started looking for help on how to repair what I had done.

I found TAM and started reading. I turned over usernames and passwords. I got it clears through my employer to give him the pass code on my work phone. We've been going to MC and there has been improvement.

Some background on hubby: he is former spec ops who then worked as a medic. After 3 back surgeries, he was physically force to retire and lives with chronic pain requiring narcotics. He is a stay at home dad to our five month old son.

The issue I need help with is that after my EA has come out and we're facing all the problems we've ignored, he says the one thing he has trouble dealing with is that I don't 'need' him. He feels that since our roles have shifted and I am the primary breadwinner and take care of the housework, that he serves no useful purpose in our marriage.

I need him emotionally and tell him that as much as I can but its feeling like I'm still missing something. Is this common? Any thoughts or suggestions?
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Ask him if he thinks that SAHM's contribute nothing to the family.

Besides that you love him and need him that way... you need him help raise your son. That is the most important job there is.

He probably feels that it's the man's job to support his wife. So like many men he defines himself by his job/career. And now he does not have one.


This is something that he has to come to terms with.
 

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He's probably been reading about how marriages with SAHD usually end up. That's the real problem and it's probably hard wired for females. The ultimate fix is to become productive doing something. He needs to figure out how to be an artist or an entrepreneur so he can work for himself from home.
 

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The nature of the beast here is a guy has to go out and work and be worth his salt.
It may sound like you doesn't think he needs you and his focus is missguilded and use you as a point of refrerence.

What I mean is even if he never met you and didn't have a kid or was with some one else, the bottom line is he feels worthless cuz he isn't worth his salt, not making a living, bringing home the bacon, going out and hunting and bring home the kill for his mate to clean and cook.

The best thing for him is getting on a pain management program and find a little job were he can make *him self* feel worthy.

This isn't about you not needing him, he is just making a round about statement and it real/underlining meaning is he needs to provide so he feels worth to him self.
 

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Spec Ops. Alpha guys. Totally understood. Red...what you gotta somehow wrap your brain around is that your husband, as much training and sh-t that he's seen ~ more than any man needs to, he thought he had a woman at "home". Something that he could look at when he was deep in the mire of sh-t called "Whateverastan" and be comforted.

You killed that. I don't say that lightly and I am sorry to be blunt and possibly hurt your feelings, but that's the deal. You hurt your husband...that man who has seen and done so much, that his psyche couldn't bear much more when it comes to personal sh-t.

Yes, as Ele says, sometimes a man feels that it's his job to support his wife...but so many of us define ourselves by our career. How many guys I knew in my past life when asked "who are you" answered "I am a pilot" , before they said, "I am a husband with a great family who I love".

Make sure you never stretch any amount of truth. Make sure that you tell him every f'ng day how greatful you are to have this opportunity to show him your love. And most of all...hold him when he hurts so severely, that none would ever know the depth of that pain.

Just hold him.
 

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By the way...anyone who reads this and reads my Alpha statement at the beginning ~ well, do NOT misunderstand that an Alpha male who is in a line of work such as Spec Ops does not need someone to comfort him. Sometimes, you gotta let that f'ng guard down.

Trust me. I know that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Ask him if he thinks that SAHM's contribute nothing to the family.

Besides that you love him and need him that way... you need him help raise your son. That is the most important job there is.

He probably feels that it's the man's job to support his wife. So like many men he defines himself by his job/career. And now he does not have one.


This is something that he has to come to terms with.
He views it as inappropriate for a man. He is very traditional in that respect. Even as a stay at home dad and with me working full time, I still do most of the laundry and all of the housework.

Mach, he's been working on building business custom painting and pin striping bikes. It's been a year of disappointment in that respect. I keep reminding him it takes years to build a business but he views this as 'another' failure.

I'm going to have to bring it up in MC to get another take on how to help him with this. I view him as strong, sexy and I get weak in the knees when I see this macho guy holding our son when I come home at night.
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No, it is entirely different.

He feels unneeded, and rightfully so.
You are the primary breadwinner. And because he is SpecOps, that probably means he is not home as much as you want him to be. So he doesn't help as much with the kids. So you don't need his help for raising the kids, or his income.

Saying you need him emotionally, is worthless at this point.
You had an EA. And I am hoping you threw those AP out the window when DDay occurred.
What good is emotional support to him? He saw you outsource emotional support once, so he'll always have, in the back of his head, the thought that you could do it again.
He may also worry, you'll throw him out just like you threw out your AP. Because he saw you do it with them, so what is there to stop you from doing it to him? Nothing you say can really put this thought to rest either.

And these thoughts and problems will drive a man insane.
 

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It not about you not needing him its about him feeling like he can't provide for him self and his family.

he needs to find something that brings meaning for him self and its hard cuz hes all jacked up.

Granted you didn't do him any favors but lets stay on topic, he needs a self esteem boost by being able to provide..even if its not much...something that will bring him some self worth.

I bet he would make a great security consultant if you hasn't high and had a better pain managment program.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Spec Ops. Alpha guys. Totally understood. Red...what you gotta somehow wrap your brain around is that your husband, as much training and sh-t that he's seen ~ more than any man needs to, he thought he had a woman at "home". Something that he could look at when he was deep in the mire of sh-t called "Whateverastan" and be comforted.

You killed that. I don't say that lightly and I am sorry to be blunt and possibly hurt your feelings, but that's the deal. You hurt your husband...that man who has seen and done so much, that his psyche couldn't bear much more when it comes to personal sh-t.

Yes, as Ele says, sometimes a man feels that it's his job to support his wife...but so many of us define ourselves by our career. How many guys I knew in my past life when asked "who are you" answered "I am a pilot" , before they said, "I am a husband with a great family who I love".

Make sure you never stretch any amount of truth. Make sure that you tell him every f'ng day how greatful you are to have this opportunity to show him your love. And most of all...hold him when he hurts so severely, that none would ever know the depth of that pain.

Just hold him.
Ugh - yes, this is a lot of what he's said. He used to brag to everyone that HE had the right kind of wife, one he could trust. I am one of only two people he's ever trusted and the other died three years ago (our best man).
I am NOT giving up on him. Just trying to figure out his definition of need and meeting that.
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He views it as inappropriate for a man. He is very traditional in that respect. Even as a stay at home dad and with me working full time, I still do most of the laundry and all of the housework.

Mach, he's been working on building business custom painting and pin striping bikes. It's been a year of disappointment in that respect. I keep reminding him it takes years to build a business but he views this as 'another' failure.

I'm going to have to bring it up in MC to get another take on how to help him with this. I view him as strong, sexy and I get weak in the knees when I see this macho guy holding our son when I come home at night.
The business has not taken off quickly.

What about supporting him continuing to find ways to grow it... (don't mean to imply that you are not already supportive)? There are programs at the SBA that can help him build this up. There are SBA loans for veterins.

Has he approached bike shops in your area? Has he approached non-profits that rebuild bikes for kids for xmas?
 

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Ugh - yes, this is a lot of what he's said. He used to brag to everyone that HE had the right kind of wife, one he could trust. I am one of only two people he's ever trusted and the other died three years ago (our best man).
I am NOT giving up on him. Just trying to figure out his definition of need and meeting that.
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My dear Red...how often I spoke of how wonderful my wife was as I flew to France, to Costa Rica, to every state in the Continental US and every Carribean island you can imagine. How wonderful she was to understand my way of life.

Ask him what he needs you to be. In a sense, you may have to re-define yourself. Do you love him? If you do, then you will bow down and out of the truest love, give him what he needs.

Remember...this is a guy who was at the top of his game as a Spec Ops medic. That sh-t ain't to be taken lightly. These guys go places where mere mortal men would piss their pants.

Don't take that lightly whatsoever because it was "mundane". Kinda like I explained to Regret that last year when I had to do a test flight on my jet when it was ready to f'ng kill me...ohh...that was one of the days that she went to bang the xOM. Yeah...I almost died that f'ng day and she was off having her awesome orgasm.

Think about that. Don't do that sh-t to another human being. Especially, one you say you love.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Yeah the pain management is pretty f'd up. He has permanent and and ongoing deterioration of his nerves. In addition to all the titanium screws and rods, he has wires running up his spine hooked up to a unit in his hip that sends electrical impulses. That takes the pain down about 30%, the narcotics he takes about 1/3 of the prescribed dose and that takes him down some more but it's still never gone.
I've stopped 'babying' him or scolding when he's doing something that aggravates the pain since that bugs him to no end.
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
The business has not taken off quickly.

What about supporting him continuing to find ways to grow it... (don't mean to imply that you are not already supportive)? There are programs at the SBA that can help him build this up. There are SBA loans for veterins.

Has he approached bike shops in your area? Has he approached non-profits that rebuild bikes for kids for xmas?
Oh definitely - he's applied to all sorts of different programs. So far nada, but I'll keep researching.

I try to be a cheerleader and rah-rah him but he's just sinking. I just got a text that he thinks its just that he's doubting himself in every area right now and has to stop doing that and trust his instinct.

I like the bicycle idea though. He does motorcycles but doing something like that for kids might lift his spirits.
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Mach, he's been working on building business custom painting and pin striping bikes. It's been a year of disappointment in that respect. I keep reminding him it takes years to build a business but he views this as 'another' failure.
Ha! Used to do that myself back in the early 70's. Bikes, vans, rods, and customs. I was even in a national van magazine as a featured muralist after only 4 years in the business. I started at age 15 and did my last custom job about age 21. It takes a long time to build up notoriety, unless you get into a magazine, but with the web that may have changed. Still, it's a very slow process, but just what the doctor ordered. Keep him revved up about it.

I used to use a Binks production gun and touch-up gun and Paasche VL and VLS airbrushes. The murals were very "in" for years and I did lots of Frank Frazetta rip-offs, but when the end came it was quick and final.

When I first started out, I started with my own car and then did a lot of free work for friends, only charging them for materials and making them assist with prep. Then I started charging the referrals that came in. Make sure your H uses a good respirator; lacquer fumes are bad.
 

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I like the bicycle idea though. He does motorcycles but doing something like that for kids might lift his spirits.
I forgot about doing bicycles. That was before my first car. Light blue pinstripe over a gold base candy blue. Really overkill.

I suppose this was all from a career ending jump, right? What percentage disability was he awarded?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
No, it is entirely different.

He feels unneeded, and rightfully so.
You are the primary breadwinner. And because he is SpecOps, that probably means he is not home as much as you want him to be. So he doesn't help as much with the kids. So you don't need his help for raising the kids, or his income.

Saying you need him emotionally, is worthless at this point.
You had an EA. And I am hoping you threw those AP out the window when DDay occurred.
What good is emotional support to him? He saw you outsource emotional support once, so he'll always have, in the back of his head, the thought that you could do it again.
He may also worry, you'll throw him out just like you threw out your AP. Because he saw you do it with them, so what is there to stop you from doing it to him? Nothing you say can really put this thought to rest either.

And these thoughts and problems will drive a man insane.
Strangely enough, our marriage did really, really well when he WAS home less because I am independent so it stayed balanced. When he retired, he went into a depressed funk. He just withdrew. Any suggestion of counseling back then earned me one hell of a fight. Then his best friend died in an accident. Then we lost the house. Then his mother sued us. Then the EA.

I know how lucky I am that he fought so hard to shake me up and get my head straight. I tell him every day that I love him and try to show him. When he says something about how he really feels, I don't take it for granted since that doesn't come easily for him. It's just hard to decipher at times but I want to get it right since I f'd up so badly.
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I forgot about doing bicycles. That was before my first car. Light blue pinstripe over a gold base candy blue. Really overkill.

I suppose this was all from a career ending jump, right? What percentage disability was he awarded?
Yeah, I think this might be a good side project!

No jump or anything specific really. His dad's spinal column deteriorated and was exacerbated by being crazy wild man (motorcycle accidents), same with hubby. He was discharged a while back and doing work for the studios in LA so he did get retirement and some disability settlement through the union.
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