Here is the background. (apologies for the wall of text, just want to be sure everything is captured). Married 11 years. 2 kids. Both of us work. We are extremely happy together. I'll try to give as much unbiased information as possible as to what I'm dealing with. One year ago my wife lost a lot of weight. That immediately didn't arose any infidelity questions, but there were some other small things. I began to snoop her work email. (bad I know) Well I came across an email from her best friend that said something to the effect of "you wearing anything hot today, did you see anyone?" Obviously referencing her recent weight loss. But at the beginning of the email she was talking about how she recently cheated on her husband. Put that in context with the "see anyone" comment and I thought her friend was hinting that my wife was cheating. Fast forward 4 months. We saw a therapist. In addition to this email there was also a group of female and male friends that she would go out to lunch with. Not very frequently though. But one of the guys was on her FB and they were playing games together (as she would with a number of other people too). There were other things, but I thought her friendship at work was slightly bordering unprofessional. I think because they might have had a drink out all together at one of these lunches, and maybe some other things I noticed while snooping the email. Turns out there wasn't any infidelity at all. I was just very hyper sensitive and I need to trust her more. I needed to stop snooping her email which I did for a while.
Recently I began looking into her email again. No idea why, clearly I've got some of my own trust issues to work out. A week ago, I noticed that one of her female coworkers wanted to take her out for her birthday for lunch with this same group of guys. So I became moody that week as I knew she was going out with these people on Friday. She noticed this and she felt like she was walking on eggshells around me again. As Friday came, she did indeed go out. But she was there for nearly 4 hours. She didn't drive, the guy who I mentioned earlier drove most of them. I knew she was out for a while because I noticed her status on instant messenger was "Away". At about 4 pm I called her cell. She texted me back saying need something?I called again. She texted back saying she was in a meeting. I texted back asking her if she was at her comp which she simply replied with a no. This was odd because in meetings that comp goes with you. So I decided to drive down to her work. Her car was there. She clearly wasn't. I positioned my car a few rows back so that I could see her car and the front door to eventually see who she would come back with. I waited, as I knew she would get our youngest kid from daycare which meant she had to get back to the car. As I waited I saw her in the passenger seat with that guy driving (I knew what he looked like from his FB profile). Well they drove past the front door, nearly right by me and to the back of the parking lot. At first I thought oh hell no. But then I figured he just liked parking back there as do I in my parking lot. Well I waited for a minute, but nobody walked down from there. So I moved my car and I could see his parked to the side of the curb and then I was floored, thinking that they were making out in there. I moved it again for fear of them catching me and tried to position around again and I saw they were gone and he was dropping her off at front.
I drove home and she called at about 5 (live only few minutes from were she works) and she could tell I was distraught. I asked her where she had been all day and she said work. I told her she was lying. And she stuck to her story. I then told her someone we both know called me (I couldn't reveal yet that it was me who saw them) and told me they saw her in the parking lot with this guy. She said she didn't know what I was talking about. Then I accused her of cheating and having an affair. She came clean. She said she was out to lunch for that long and this guy did drive her and he tried to kiss her, but she pushed him off and told him to drive to the front. Evidently this is what happened that day. They all had a drink at lunch. Then all of them moved to the bar where they had more drinks (except my wife so she says). As it got close to 4 she did have one more beer along with all of them who had at least 3 drinks by that point. That's when she started getting my calls and texting. And she said to the group she needed to get back home. So this one guy who I had suspicions on drove her back. What my wife says is that while they were getting to the office he kept telling her that she was too drunk to go inside. And this was his plan. He tried to mentally manipulate her while driving to the back parking lot and he had her second guessing whether or not she was capable of going back to work. She says that she said to him all along that she was fine and thats when he had her in the back parking lot and put the moves on her. Turns out after she denied him and after he dropped her off at front that he texted her this "Ok. You called my bluff. Get home safely". I implicitly trust that she didn't do anything with him.
At this point I wanted her to open a case with her company HR because this is a manager at her work, which she sometimes interacts with, but is not required to. Meaning he might come to her for stuff but he can go elsewhere. She won't open an HR case for fear of being labelled and as well revealing that she was out that long having drinks. But what is clear between us is that she said she won't interact with this guy again, she won't go to lunches with them, she won't speak to him in the hallway if they meet, etc… And I trust that. Where my wife and I agree is that she messed up. She shouldn't have lied to me about where she was. She did that because she thought I would get mad. And if you've stuck through so far you can see that maybe I might have. Again issues I know I've got to work on. But she still shouldn't have lied, she knows that. She also knows that she should have called me to pick her up instead of letting this guy who was drinking more than her drive her. I trust her when she says that the kind of relationship that she has with this group of friends is more like brothers/sisters. So she was shocked when he did this and she says it was awkward and awful.
My wife is a good looking woman. And I've told this to her all her life. She is horrible at reading when men hit on her. And I don't mind that. In fact I've almost encouraged her to dress better. What I do mind is when the hitting on scales up like this. Her getting hit on, (I like). Getting hit on at work (well it happens, but I don't have to like it). Getting hit on while at lunch/drinking with coworkers (ok this is bad). Getting driven to the back of the parking lot out of sight of people after drinking with a coworker and attempting to be physically intimate with her (ok now I want to break this guys arms and tear his face off). I want him out of being anywhere near her, which means getting fired from her work for doing this.
Just today there was a note in her cube from him. This past weekend after the event, I asked her to share any contact/correspondence with this guy. it says:* "forgive me for putting you in an unforgivable spot.* it won't happen again.* i'd be sad if we never all had a laugh again". Well I flipped a little today and told her again that she can't socialize with him and then she accused me of not trusting her. I took a step back and told her I should have rephrased that to say well guess he's going to be sad. To which she replied yes exactly. She knows she F'ed up in putting herself in a bad spot and for lying to me. I know that I should trust her more. She says that she'll be more observant of the males and that she won't be drinking at lunch anymore (keep in mind that this happens very infrequently).
What would you all do? For the women, would you report it? For the men and women, how should I react? Based on what you've read am I acting out of line? Should she being doing things differently?
Recently I began looking into her email again. No idea why, clearly I've got some of my own trust issues to work out. A week ago, I noticed that one of her female coworkers wanted to take her out for her birthday for lunch with this same group of guys. So I became moody that week as I knew she was going out with these people on Friday. She noticed this and she felt like she was walking on eggshells around me again. As Friday came, she did indeed go out. But she was there for nearly 4 hours. She didn't drive, the guy who I mentioned earlier drove most of them. I knew she was out for a while because I noticed her status on instant messenger was "Away". At about 4 pm I called her cell. She texted me back saying need something?I called again. She texted back saying she was in a meeting. I texted back asking her if she was at her comp which she simply replied with a no. This was odd because in meetings that comp goes with you. So I decided to drive down to her work. Her car was there. She clearly wasn't. I positioned my car a few rows back so that I could see her car and the front door to eventually see who she would come back with. I waited, as I knew she would get our youngest kid from daycare which meant she had to get back to the car. As I waited I saw her in the passenger seat with that guy driving (I knew what he looked like from his FB profile). Well they drove past the front door, nearly right by me and to the back of the parking lot. At first I thought oh hell no. But then I figured he just liked parking back there as do I in my parking lot. Well I waited for a minute, but nobody walked down from there. So I moved my car and I could see his parked to the side of the curb and then I was floored, thinking that they were making out in there. I moved it again for fear of them catching me and tried to position around again and I saw they were gone and he was dropping her off at front.
I drove home and she called at about 5 (live only few minutes from were she works) and she could tell I was distraught. I asked her where she had been all day and she said work. I told her she was lying. And she stuck to her story. I then told her someone we both know called me (I couldn't reveal yet that it was me who saw them) and told me they saw her in the parking lot with this guy. She said she didn't know what I was talking about. Then I accused her of cheating and having an affair. She came clean. She said she was out to lunch for that long and this guy did drive her and he tried to kiss her, but she pushed him off and told him to drive to the front. Evidently this is what happened that day. They all had a drink at lunch. Then all of them moved to the bar where they had more drinks (except my wife so she says). As it got close to 4 she did have one more beer along with all of them who had at least 3 drinks by that point. That's when she started getting my calls and texting. And she said to the group she needed to get back home. So this one guy who I had suspicions on drove her back. What my wife says is that while they were getting to the office he kept telling her that she was too drunk to go inside. And this was his plan. He tried to mentally manipulate her while driving to the back parking lot and he had her second guessing whether or not she was capable of going back to work. She says that she said to him all along that she was fine and thats when he had her in the back parking lot and put the moves on her. Turns out after she denied him and after he dropped her off at front that he texted her this "Ok. You called my bluff. Get home safely". I implicitly trust that she didn't do anything with him.
At this point I wanted her to open a case with her company HR because this is a manager at her work, which she sometimes interacts with, but is not required to. Meaning he might come to her for stuff but he can go elsewhere. She won't open an HR case for fear of being labelled and as well revealing that she was out that long having drinks. But what is clear between us is that she said she won't interact with this guy again, she won't go to lunches with them, she won't speak to him in the hallway if they meet, etc… And I trust that. Where my wife and I agree is that she messed up. She shouldn't have lied to me about where she was. She did that because she thought I would get mad. And if you've stuck through so far you can see that maybe I might have. Again issues I know I've got to work on. But she still shouldn't have lied, she knows that. She also knows that she should have called me to pick her up instead of letting this guy who was drinking more than her drive her. I trust her when she says that the kind of relationship that she has with this group of friends is more like brothers/sisters. So she was shocked when he did this and she says it was awkward and awful.
My wife is a good looking woman. And I've told this to her all her life. She is horrible at reading when men hit on her. And I don't mind that. In fact I've almost encouraged her to dress better. What I do mind is when the hitting on scales up like this. Her getting hit on, (I like). Getting hit on at work (well it happens, but I don't have to like it). Getting hit on while at lunch/drinking with coworkers (ok this is bad). Getting driven to the back of the parking lot out of sight of people after drinking with a coworker and attempting to be physically intimate with her (ok now I want to break this guys arms and tear his face off). I want him out of being anywhere near her, which means getting fired from her work for doing this.
Just today there was a note in her cube from him. This past weekend after the event, I asked her to share any contact/correspondence with this guy. it says:* "forgive me for putting you in an unforgivable spot.* it won't happen again.* i'd be sad if we never all had a laugh again". Well I flipped a little today and told her again that she can't socialize with him and then she accused me of not trusting her. I took a step back and told her I should have rephrased that to say well guess he's going to be sad. To which she replied yes exactly. She knows she F'ed up in putting herself in a bad spot and for lying to me. I know that I should trust her more. She says that she'll be more observant of the males and that she won't be drinking at lunch anymore (keep in mind that this happens very infrequently).
What would you all do? For the women, would you report it? For the men and women, how should I react? Based on what you've read am I acting out of line? Should she being doing things differently?
