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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have read from a few places that it is good to write a letter. I have thought about it and I am wondering if it would be helpful for me to do it. We've been separated for about a month and 3 weeks now.

I have begged and pleaded to her in person the first night she left through text messages and it got me nowhere so I am wondering if I wrote this letter now that it is down the road if it could help me any. I'd basically write everything I am sorry for and that I understand why she felt the way she did, ect. I was thinking about including she deserves to be happy with or without me in her life, but I feel like that kinda backfires in my face because in the letter I'd be implying a situation of me not being in the picture so I'm not sure about that yet.

She will be going out of state for a few days tomorrow so if I wrote it and mailed it, it would be waiting for her after she got back from her vacation with her family.

Basically I am wanting advice whether or not I should write the letter and what all I should include in it, and also if I should state I'd like us back together/the things I will change, ect.
 

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First off, why did she leave? Did she state the reasons?

Second, is there another man in the picture? Are you sure? Did she tell you "I love you but I'm not in love with you"?

Third, WHATEVER YOU DO, post the letter here before you mail it! DO NOT SEND without some review from people who have been there before.

Fourth, you are still in shock it sounds like. Pick yourself up off the floor. Do not demean or lower yourself in this letter.

Let's see it..
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
First off, why did she leave? Did she state the reasons?

Second, is there another man in the picture? Are you sure? Did she tell you "I love you but I'm not in love with you"?

Third, WHATEVER YOU DO, post the letter here before you mail it! DO NOT SEND without some review from people who have been there before.

Fourth, you are still in shock it sounds like. Pick yourself up off the floor. Do not demean or lower yourself in this letter.

Let's see it..
She left saying I didn't love or care about her and that I was rarely nice to her, she left after a fight we had; Basically the heat of the moment.

There is no other man in the picture just she gave me her heart and I took that granted.

I will definitely post it all on this thread before mailing it.

I'm about to start now so maybe an hour or so

As for the shock it's still there as it was from Day 1
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well here it is from start to finish..

Emily,
There is so much I want to say and so much I want to tell you, but even more I want to apologize to you for.

You have been more than the perfect wife that I could have asked for. When I was little I always wanted to just go into the Army my entire life. Throughout the years you encouraged me to go and to live my dream, but the truth is that when I met you and as we moved further into out relationship I had a much larger and better dream that soon became a reality with you ; I was living my dream, a better dream.

I took you for granted, not only as my wife, but as my lover, best friend, and my soul mate. There was no reason or excuse for the thing I did or the things I said. I lost insight on the most important thing in life.

You trusted my with your heart and I abused that, I took you for granted. I understand your feelings and your actions, but I don't and never will understand my own. Throughout our marriage I did not prioritize you first as I should have and as you deserve. You put my needs before your own and I did not do the same in return.

Baby, you must feel conned. Before we were married I communicated to you that I would cherish you for the rest of our lives. But since the first week, I know I sent the message that you weren't important to me. Whenever you wanted to spend time together, I would never do it. Whenever you want to go out with me I wouldn't go. By choosing my own comfort and convenience over yours I have left you feeling that you weren't important to me, and I was an idiot to send you that message. You deserve more than that.

It is a shame that you never know what you got until it's gone. I love you and there will forever be a spot in my heart for you. Without you, the better half of me is gone and I would go to high heavens to hell to get that part of me back.

Stephen
______________________________________________________

Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated
 

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Stephen - that's a lovely letter. I wonder, though, if your W might think 'that's nice, but what would be different'?

Seems like many of those who have come before suggest you work on yourself and take the opportunity to show her how things have changed. Do you have children? Sorry if I missed this. You may need to be more aggressive about getting her back if you don't have this regular form of contact.
 

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We've been separated for about a month and 3 weeks now.

I have begged and pleaded to her in person the first night she left through text messages and it got me nowhere so I am wondering if I wrote this letter now that it is down the road if it could help me any.
Its early days yet for you both. She is getting used to the idea of being without you also. If she left, assuming there isn't someone else, then she would have been very hurt. From my own situation, it takes a lot for a woman to pack up and leave. She's not going to just reverse her decision with an 'I'm sorry'.

I've read a bit about this 180 from here. I think the main message is 'work on yourself'. Your wife was your mirror for years (I assume), so you know the issues. Now, on your own, you have an opportunity to address the ones that ring true to you.

Begging and pleading can be seen as being selfish. I.e. you want her back, but what is *she* going to get from it? Same for an apology. Sometimes, people apologize to make themselves feel better, to alleviate guilt. But a true apology needs to be for the benefit of the other person. Which means recognizing when they are able to accept it. My embryonic thoughts on this subject, at least. Blind leading the blind here a bit, perhaps. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Its early days yet for you both. She is getting used to the idea of being without you also. If she left, assuming there isn't someone else, then she would have been very hurt. From my own situation, it takes a lot for a woman to pack up and leave. She's not going to just reverse her decision with an 'I'm sorry'.

I've read a bit about this 180 from here. I think the main message is 'work on yourself'. Your wife was your mirror for years (I assume), so you know the issues. Now, on your own, you have an opportunity to address the ones that ring true to you.

Begging and pleading can be seen as being selfish. I.e. you want her back, but what is *she* going to get from it? Same for an apology. Sometimes, people apologize to make themselves feel better, to alleviate guilt. But a true apology needs to be for the benefit of the other person. Which means recognizing when they are able to accept it. My embryonic thoughts on this subject, at least. Blind leading the blind here a bit, perhaps. Good luck.
We have no kids so there's never any contact unless one a month when she tells me she is sending me her half for the phone bill...

Many on these forums when the poster say "I know she wasn't seeing anyone, talking to anyone, or having an affair" get flamed that it is probably the case. But I know my wife was doing none of those, it was just how I was treating her; neglecting her.

I have been working on this letter everyday, I have about 4 days until she gets come from a vacation with her family. I have in the letter apologies from everything that i know hurt her and made her feel the way she felt; unloved and not care for.

I do not apologize to make myself feel better, I do it because I owe I it to her and I am truly sorry for what I have done and for what I have said.

As for what she is going to get from it, I want her to know I am sorry, I do love her, I did and still do care for her and I want her to know I will give the world for her to benefit from as she returns the favor to me just by being my wife.

I have never stopped to view my own reflection coming from my wife, but in this situation I have nothing to do other than to stop and stare in the mirror and realize everything. And as I have stared into that mirror I have learned, I have learned much of her, the past, and even more of myself.
 

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I wouldn't send that thing but then again thats up to you as I am in the learning mode here on TAM. I'd definitely wait for the pros to chime in.
 

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Many on these forums when the poster say "I know she wasn't seeing anyone, talking to anyone, or having an affair" get flamed that it is probably the case. But I know my wife was doing none of those, it was just how I was treating her; neglecting her.
It's because it so often happens to be the case.

You don't know positively that there is not someone else.

I have about 4 days until she gets come from a vacation with her family.
How are you sure she's with her family?

I have never stopped to view my own reflection coming from my wife, but in this situation I have nothing to do other than to stop and stare in the mirror and realize everything. And as I have stared into that mirror I have learned, I have learned much of her, the past, and even more of myself.
Okay, you are suffering. You have regrets. It's good you are looking in the mirror.

But you were not a total arse to her from week one. If you were, you probably wouldn't be on this board. You're someone who cares.

Time to splash some cold water on your face. Stop your dizzying self-blame.

DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.

Do not go crazy sending flowers, voicemails, etc.

DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.

Memorize the letter. That's fine. But do not vocalize your machine-gun fire apologies to her.

Start making the changes that you say you want to make in the letter. Actions speak louder than words.

DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.

You need to find out if there's an OM first.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
It's because it so often happens to be the case.

You don't know positively that there is not someone else.



How are you sure she's with her family?
She does it every single year. Also her sister post stuff on that FaceBook thing


Okay, you are suffering. You have regrets. It's good you are looking in the mirror.

But you were not a total arse to her from week one. If you were, you probably wouldn't be on this board. You're someone who cares.

Time to splash some cold water on your face. Stop your dizzying self-blame.

DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.

Do not go crazy sending flowers, voicemails, etc.

DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.

Memorize the letter. That's fine. But do not vocalize your machine-gun fire apologies to her.

Start making the changes that you say you want to make in the letter. Actions speak louder than words.

DO NOT SEND THE LETTER.

You need to find out if there's an OM first.
I have been I suppose through her eyes an as*hole, but really it is just my personality. I like to joke around a lot and play with people and have a different sense of humor than most. I can see where I can come off as it.

I wont send the letter just yet, I have been doing 180 but I must say I don't agree with it. The letter was a sign to her that I was still trying that i am not just moving on.
With no contact, no letter how am I supposed to show her that?
Seems like doing 180 they may get an impression that you're moving on and that can help but it's a 50-50 chance. They can have their time to think and realize they want the person back or there is that other chance they see the person moving on and that I don't care and then she will just drop it too.

So that leaves me with the question how can I show her I still care, still want to try, and still love her if I show her absolutely nothing and do nothing?

The changes for myself are all changes of my actions towards her. I cannot make the changes to myself if the cause of my actions isn't there for me to make them on.

I can understand where it can be questioned whether there is an OM or not, but I'm about certain there is none. It's how she was raised, how she is, just she was tired of putting up with me and my neglect to her.

Not the mention I don't think I have the funds in my bank to hire an investigator =P and I surely will be doing no stalking.
 

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So that leaves me with the question how can I show her I still care, still want to try, and still love her if I show her absolutely nothing and do nothing?
Can you get her to go to MC?

That's an actionable step to say "Hey, I want to work on this."

You make it sound like she didn't know who she was marrying.

PS- How long have you been married?


The changes for myself are all changes of my actions towards her. I cannot make the changes to myself if the cause of my actions isn't there for me to make them on.
I know how you feel.

Have you asked yourself why you didn't want to go out with her, etc.?

Have you tried IC to discover issues which aren't in relation to her?

Going to IC is an actionable step to say "Hey, I want to work on myself."

I can understand where it can be questioned whether there is an OM or not, but I'm about certain there is none. It's how she was raised, how she is, just she was tired of putting up with me and my neglect to her.

Not the mention I don't think I have the funds in my bank to hire an investigator =P and I surely will be doing no stalking.
Yeah, look man I'll be straight with you. There is no "type" to cheat. It's within all of us. If she felt neglected or emotionally abused she may have found someone who is giving her attention she wants.

I hope for your sake she is not cheating. If she is, this will be a much more painful and entangled process.

Do you have access to phone records, email, anything like that?

Assuming she is not cheating...

Offer up MC but don't be too pushy. Most likely she's thinking about this, too, wondering if she's done the right thing. However, she may be fed up at this point and will be resistant to your attempts to "fix" things. As sapientia mentioned, she may see such attempts as selfish.

Does the letter reflect the specific issues she raised?
 

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Darling, one thing I know is this: when emotions are high, intellect goes down.

Never make decisions based on your feelings alone. Right now, you are hurting so bad. So is she, I'm sure.

I don't know what the others will say, but the 180 sounds like it will help you a lot. Make the changes needed for *you*. Not someone else. If she loves you, she will notice. If not, then you will have learned a valuable lesson for your next partner. All you can do, really.

I agree with Strong. Give things some time and then ask if she would be open to going to MC. You might want to go a few times for yourself for some perspective.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Can you get her to go to MC?

That's an actionable step to say "Hey, I want to work on this."

You make it sound like she didn't know who she was marrying.

PS- How long have you been married?

I asked her if she wanted to go to MC the night I talked to her when I got off of work and she said no it can't be fixed. Everything was done in the heat of the moment during a text fight for God's sake while I was at work and she was off babysitting someones kid. In my first post ever I stated we were newly weds and when I say that I mean NEWLY. We were together for 5 years before I proposed.



I know how you feel.

Have you asked yourself why you didn't want to go out with her, etc.?

Have you tried IC to discover issues which aren't in relation to her?

Going to IC is an actionable step to say "Hey, I want to work on myself."

I didn't go out with her because I was caught up doing my own thing... Like I was acting like what he wanted to do was such a nuisance. My job is actually offering counseling Jan. 1st and you're allowed 8 sessions per "situation" which I am thinking of going to.



Yeah, look man I'll be straight with you. There is no "type" to cheat. It's within all of us. If she felt neglected or emotionally abused she may have found someone who is giving her attention she wants.

I hope for your sake she is not cheating. If she is, this will be a much more painful and entangled process.

Do you have access to phone records, email, anything like that?

Assuming she is not cheating...

Offer up MC but don't be too pushy. Most likely she's thinking about this, too, wondering if she's done the right thing. However, she may be fed up at this point and will be resistant to your attempts to "fix" things. As sapientia mentioned, she may see such attempts as selfish.

Does the letter reflect the specific issues she raised?

I have access to her email which I check every 2 days or so and there's never anything in there fishy. I tried to get phone records but my company says they can just give me the numbers off the phone and I asked if they'll have names and they said no.

In my letter I kept it from me being selfish as much as possible. The letter was meant for me to apologize and to let her know I still love her and want to work it out. So i did not mention and issues that she had as I don't want her feeling as if I am blaming her for my actions.
What gets me is that everything blew up during that one fights and I told her we never even sat down and talked and she kept saying she tried to and I brushed her aside. Now that part I don't recall that every happening but I could be fooling myself...
 

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Do not send the letter.

Its going to be a little while before you can reach her again, if that can even happen.

Go to IC yourself.

Offer to go to MC with her.

Then give her the space to decide if that is what she wants.

Needy is so unattractive. Be strong and work on you.

She'll never miss you if you don't go away.

Sucks, but it really is your only way forward at this point, whether you R or ultimately D.

All the best to you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Darling, one thing I know is this: when emotions are high, intellect goes down.

Never make decisions based on your feelings alone. Right now, you are hurting so bad. So is she, I'm sure.

I don't know what the others will say, but the 180 sounds like it will help you a lot. Make the changes needed for *you*. Not someone else. If she loves you, she will notice. If not, then you will have learned a valuable lesson for your next partner. All you can do, really.

I agree with Strong. Give things some time and then ask if she would be open to going to MC. You might want to go a few times for yourself for some perspective.
I do agree and I think I will hold off on the letter. I will continue to give her space with no contact.
Doing 180 just kills me because I don't know what's going to happen next and there is still no closure to anything.
 

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I have access to her email which I check every 2 days or so and there's never anything in there fishy.
Nothing fishy in her email? Then quit looking there. Not helpful for you.

I tried to get phone records but my company says they can just give me the numbers off the phone and I asked if they'll have names and they said no.
Get the phone numbers. Go to Spokeo.com. For about $15 you can get 3 months unlimited access. Plug in as many numbers as you want and it will tell you who does/has owned them. Look up the ones she uses most for calls/texts.

I told her we never even sat down and talked and she kept saying she tried to and I brushed her aside. Now that part I don't recall that every happening but I could be fooling myself...
My stbxw told me exactly the same thing... but only after she had an affair and told me "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Your situation may be different, but the lack of communication sounds similar. We are not mind readers. Most of us here are completely willing to work on ANYTHING once we understand the gravity of the issue.

Trouble is: if we aren't made aware of the gravity of the issue, how do we know? I know in my case she tried to talk to me but things seemed so little that I thought it was cleared up then and there. She never said anything like "hey - this is serious stuff that can affect our marriage". So I never thought it was.
 

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Oh, and if you do find something fishy in her phone records or elsewhere...

Do not confront her about it yet. That only tells you that you need to investigate further. Don't make the mistake of confronting too early because it will not work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Nothing fishy in her email? Then quit looking there. Not helpful for you.



Get the phone numbers. Go to Spokeo.com. For about $15 you can get 3 months unlimited access. Plug in as many numbers as you want and it will tell you who does/has owned them. Look up the ones she uses most for calls/texts.

I will definitely be calling my company tomorrow and get the numbers from her phone and pay for the site.


My stbxw told me exactly the same thing... but only after she had an affair and told me "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Your situation may be different, but the lack of communication sounds similar. We are not mind readers. Most of us here are completely willing to work on ANYTHING once we understand the gravity of the issue.

Trouble is: if we aren't made aware of the gravity of the issue, how do we know? I know in my case she tried to talk to me but things seemed so little that I thought it was cleared up then and there. She never said anything like "hey - this is serious stuff that can affect our marriage". So I never thought it was.
I agree 110% with what you're saying. Everything (in my case) was so small and through my eyes nothing major. From her eyes though it seems as if every small thing was 10x more than was I had thought it was.
If she did try to communicate with me it was barely an attempt on her part, because if it was so big for her that it would end our marriage I would have expecting a much more serious, stern approach from her.
Now that I have my eyes open to how serious of a problem it was and have offered to fix and change my behavior, now she does not want to even give me my chance that she apparently has been trying for so hard and so long for me to do...
Basically a contradiction to herself and her wants
 
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