Need sex advice

5357 Views 77 Replies 24 Participants Last post by lovetopleasewife, Oct 25, 2012

hurting guy

Discussion Starter · Oct 22, 2012

I have a previous thread, but have a specific question here. My wife cut off all sex about 10 months ago, but in the last couple months she has given me some signs of hope for our marraige. She had sex with me once about two weeks ago. The problem is I keep getting all these mixed signals. On one hand, she will show a sign of affection toward me, maybe a handhold or a side hug, but then it is followed by signs of "do not touch me" and "keep your distance." The sex was pretty forced on her part, I don't think she was that into it, but I give her credit for even trying. I have read various resources, and I think some would say I should continue to show physical affection (that is not overtly sexual) even if she does not seem to want the affection and does not return the affection. But I think other people would say that unwanted touching, unwanted kisses, will make her resentment increase. So, looking to see what people on the forum think? Should I back off, or press on?

By the way, trying to talk to her is like mind-reading. She thinks she is this open book and able to discuss all things, but it is only that way with her girlfriends. With me, I have to be clairvoyant to know what she is really thinking about sex and about me. In a discussion, I thnk she would say something like "of course, I want your affection" but then in daily living she sends the non-verbal message that my affection is not wanted and is not missed.

My goal remains to stay married and have an exicting sex life with her.

See less See more

Status: Not open for further replies.

1 - 20 of 78 Posts

KathyBatesel

· #2 · Oct 22, 2012 (Edited)

I believe when you get mixed messages, you should always believe the message you'd rather not believe. In your case, it's that she doesn't want affection and touch from you.

Did her sexual cutoff correlate to her girl friend's arrival on the scene (or with a sudden increase in the time they spend together or the things they do together?)

As far your stated goal to remain married and have an exciting sex life with her, it may be time to recognize that you simply do not have control of that and never will. In fact, I'd venture to say you will never have even an adequate sexual relationship with her again.

Reactions: 1

hurting guy

Discussion Starter · #3 · Oct 22, 2012

Perhaps you are right about the future, but I hope not. It is very confusing because she says she wants the marriage to work, but then she also says maybe we can redefine what that looks like. I ask what she means by "redefine" and she won't tell me, she says she is not sure yet, but I think she is thinking we could have a marraige where we live together, I work and pay for everything, we are civil toward each other, but we don't have sex anymore. I don't want to live that way. I think life offers more than that. The girlfriend has been around for a couple years, but the sex cutoff occurred when they started spending more time together, especially after they spent a weekend together. She had last Friday night with the girlfriend too because it was her birthday; she called it a slumber party, but it was just the two of them. Of course, they could have celebrated a nice birthday without spending the night. Despite how it sounds, I really do not believe it is a PA, but it is an EA. I think the GF is like the sister she never had. If I am wrong about that, I will be stunned.

See less See more

southern wife

· #4 · Oct 22, 2012

I think the GF is like the GF, and your wife is either bi or all out Lez.

That being the case, OF COURSE she wants to still be married to you, have you pay her way, and NOT have sex with you. Dude, open your eyes!!!!

Wives do not, that I know of, have "slumber parties".....just the 2 of us.

I have not had a "slumber party" since HS. :wtf:

Reactions: 5

Trying2figureitout

· #5 · Oct 22, 2012

OP...what happened around 10 months ago... any triggering event?

wiigirl

· #6 · Oct 22, 2012

southern wife said:
I think the GF is like the GF, and your wife is either bi or all out Lez.

That being the case, OF COURSE she wants to still be married to you, have you pay her way, and NOT have sex with you. Dude, open your eyes!!!!

Wives do not, that I know of, have "slumber parties".....just the 2 of us. I have not had a "slumber party" since HS. :wtf:

:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device

See less See more

Reactions: 1

lovetopleasewife

· #7 · Oct 22, 2012

Well her girlfriend does not seem to be a friend of the relationship. If I had a friend that did not benefit the relationship with my Spouse or at least be neutural to the relationship, than that would not be my friend. IMO, she needs to lose this GF. I agree with Southern Wife, I think it is a PA going on.

Reactions: 1

jenny8675309

· #8 · Oct 22, 2012

I totally agree...I'm 35 and haven't had a "sleepover" since I was a young teenager. Maybe you should talk to her about her relationship with her "friend"? It sounds like there's a strong possibility that she is having a sexual relationship with her...

Reactions: 1

Emerald

· #9 · Oct 22, 2012

jenny8675309 said:
I totally agree...I'm 35 and haven't had a "sleepover" since I was a young teenager. Maybe you should talk to her about her relationship with her "friend"? It sounds like there's a strong possibility that she is having a sexual relationship with her...

Another wife here who doesn't have "sleepovers" with my girlfriends....

You said she wants to "redefine the marriage" .........WTH does THAT mean?

Man & Wife & Girlfriend?

Do you have children together?

I do feel really bad for you OP.

Reactions: 1

EnjoliWoman

· #10 · Oct 22, 2012

Yeah... the closest thing I've had to a "sleepover" is when I've been out with a friend and didn't want to drink and drive after barhopping after work one Friday. It was poor judgement on our part that SHE drove but her house was only a couple miles and mine was another 15.

That has happened ONCE in my adult life and I was in my early 30s and my husband didn't want to wake a toddler to come and get me (nor did I want him to) and I slept in her guest room - it wasn't a "slumber party", it was sleeping it off. Husband got me the next day and took me to where I left my car.

hurting guy

Discussion Starter · #11 · Oct 22, 2012

Regarding 10 months ago, we had been struggling in our marriage, we had a fight where she said something to me (don't even know what) and I responded by saying that in our marraige sex had been routine, boring, no variety (she always had to have the exact same position). She was very mad. Then, a couple days later, we started having the best sex of our marraige. Positions that she used to say were painful, she now initiated and seemed to enjoy. She even engaged in oral sex on me which she very rarely did before. Then, after about three weeks, the hot sex was suddenly cut off. She said it wasn't working for her and that she had been faking it. Now, 10 months later, she is seemingly opening the door, but then the mixed messages are all over the place. Come here, come here, come here, then get away, get away, get away. Meanwhile, a lot of time continues to be spent with the GF.

If you all are right and there is a lesbian PA, all I can do is shake my head in amazement. Should I just flat out ask her? I am sure she would deny it and probably get very angry for my even asking the question, and say that I should know her better than that.

I would like to believe that she is truthful when she says she wants to heal the marraige, and there are some positive signs, but all these mixed messages keep throwing me off.

See less See more

southern wife

· #12 · Oct 22, 2012

No do not flat out ask her - she will lie.

Get a VAR - put one in the house where she talks on the phone and put one under the seat in her car.

Check her emails and texts.

Get your evidence before you say anything to her.

Reactions: 3

hurting guy

Discussion Starter · #13 · Oct 22, 2012

Emerald, we do have children (three boys) but they are all grown. The youngest just started college. So, we are becoming empty nesters which seems to be all wrapped up in our marital problems too. I think the only reason she didn't file for divorce was because it would really hurt our kids. Emerald, you previously mentioned the "walk away wife" situation, and I think that is on target in many ways. So, I am trying to deal with that while getting all these confusing and inconsistent signals.

lovetopleasewife

· #14 · Oct 22, 2012

:iagree:

southern wife said:
No do not flat out ask her - she will lie.

Get a VAR - put one in the house where she talks on the phone and put one under the seat in her car.

Check her emails and texts.

Get your evidence before you say anything to her.

:iagree:

Trying2figureitout

· #15 · Oct 22, 2012

hurting guy said:
Regarding 10 months ago, we had been struggling in our marriage, we had a fight where she said something to me (don't even know what) and I responded by saying that in our marraige sex had been routine, boring, no variety (she always had to have the exact same position). She was very mad. Then, a couple days later, we started having the best sex of our marraige. Positions that she used to say were painful, she now initiated and seemed to enjoy. She even engaged in oral sex on me which she very rarely did before. Then, after about three weeks, the hot sex was suddenly cut off. She said it wasn't working for her and that she had been faking it. Now, 10 months later, she is seemingly opening the door, but then the mixed messages are all over the place. Come here, come here, come here, then get away, get away, get away. Meanwhile, a lot of time continues to be spent with the GF.

If you all are right and there is a lesbian PA, all I can do is shake my head in amazement. Should I just flat out ask her? I am sure she would deny it and probably get very angry for my even asking the question, and say that I should know her better than that.

I would like to believe that she is truthful when she says she wants to heal the marraige, and there are some positive signs, but all these mixed messages keep throwing me off.

Women are very sensitive to "sex isn't that good" I learned that the hard way... I'm in a sexless marriage. My wife misunderstood my comment was about frequency more than quality. Still waiting for her to come around.

Think she will eventually. It takes time.

Sounds like your wife felt used and just figured enough's enough.
Sorry to say its a long road ahead. Certainly spy and see if there's a third party.

hurting guy

Discussion Starter · #16 · Oct 22, 2012

Yes, some others have told me to do some snooping too. I don't like the idea of doing that, but I understand that it would help if I could learn the truth. Ultimately, that is all I really want. Just give me the truth. I can handle the truth. It is all these mixed messages, yanked one way and then another, that is messing with my ability to cope, or respond.

Reactions: 1

Trying2figureitout

· #17 · Oct 22, 2012

hurting guy said:
Yes, some others have told me to do some snooping too. I don't like the idea of doing that, but I understand that it would help if I could learn the truth. Ultimately, that is all I really want. Just give me the truth. I can handle the truth. It is all these mixed messages, yanked one way and then another, that is messing with my ability to cope, or respond.

Try doing it for almost three years! Still don't have THE TRUTH.
Understand you are in this for the long haul. I don't know when my ordeal will end but it will eventually. Just ride it out as long as you can... snoop but try not to be a basket case. Its hard.
More normal the better.

anchorwatch

· #18 · Oct 22, 2012 (Edited)

I could not live in a marriage like that. That wasn't the agreement when you gave each other your vows, was it?. She changed the rules. Now she want's to be roommates instead of lovers? From what she say's and is doing, I do not see you getting what you're looking for. You want what is normal in a marriage, intimacy with someone you love. She wants to live like sister and brother or worse, live her life disconnected emotionally from you on your meal ticket.

I think you're losing because you've been giving her to much power in this relationship too. So far as you have described, she has made every decision independently without regards to your feelings or thoughts. It should have been you telling her you won't live in a marriage where there is no emotional intimacy, from the beginning. She is not allowing you to fill her EN's is she? Am I wrong to think you have tried everything except telling her that you won't stay in a sexless relationship?

I'm sorry but I think she is leaving you no option except to destabilize her grip on this issue by telling her you will divorce and find someone who can love you more that a roommate. Then she can decide to either work on the marriage and intimacy issues together or find another roommate.

If she is preparing to be a WAW there may not be an AP. Yet as the others have said, discretely verify her relationship with the GF

See less See more

Reactions: 2

thunderstruck

· #19 · Oct 22, 2012

hurting guy said:
I think the only reason she didn't file for divorce was because it would really hurt our kids.

I bet the main reason she won't divorce is b/c her needs are being met by one or more people outside of the marriage.

Your needs...she could give a F**K, and she has no incentive to change things.

Reactions: 2

tom67

· #20 · Oct 22, 2012

It's time to show her some consequences and start divorce proceedings you can always change your mind if you shock her out of it but 10 months no sex screw that!

1 - 20 of 78 Posts

Status: Not open for further replies.