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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Warning this is rather long.

I have been married to a wonderful man for 15 years. He is what I want, maybe not great for other women, but he is my perfection.
Over the years we have been through alot. We separated once. After his cheating I filed for divorce, we worked it out, and he has not done it since. He has quit jobs in the past and we have lost homes, cars, and other things. He now works steady and has grown up alot. I have watched him grow into what I knew was there all along, and I will admit it was a rocky road, but the end result is pretty great.
The one constant problem in our marriage has been there for years. It is one we often find ourselves fighting about alot. His Family.
His Mother, Sister, and Niece, (who all live together) have disliked me since the start. His mother even forbid anyone from his family from coming to our wedding. They have neglected my daughter from a previous relationship. Even going as far as to show favor to the children I have with my Husband over her in front of her face. Over the years I have tried to form some sort of bond and make a relationship with them, to no avail. They just refuse to accept me as his wife.
They do not come to my home anymore. I have asked that they not, as long as they cannot show me respect in my own home. In turn I do not go to theirs. I also ask that my children do not go over there, b/c of the lack of disrespect they show me and it is an awkward situation for my children.
It is the holidays and I knew something would be rearing up soon. It always seems to this time of year. My Husband went to visit his mother the other night. He came home and seemed to be pleased with himself and happy. No big deal. Then last night he was asking me is he had spelled something correctly. I went in our bedroom to see if I could help him when I read his Facebook message from his cousin. It reads as follows:
**Ramsey
JR this touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes

My bubba came over last night... When i walked into the livin room an i saw him, it was so hard to not just start cryin!! You see my uncle an i use to be really close! When i was little he would say, Amber i'll take you to get a happy meal if you don't tell your mom i went to my girlfriends... An i would always so, okay bubba! Then we would get in his mustang an play this game, stop go stop go! He would say hold on to your panties an i would actually do it! lol.. Then as i grew older i went down a rough road an i let him down!! He doesn't really have anything to do wit me anymore!! But i still an always will look up to him!! He's almost 35 now wit 3 kids of his own an i'm 22 wit 2 little boys!! I may have grew up but i will always call him my bubba an love him!!! So this year all i want for Christmas is for my family to get back together!! So Santa Claus i pray that you can deliver me this one gift!! An Lord please touch my Bubba's heart an let him see how much we love an miss him an the kids!! BUBBA CODY HEATHER AN SHELBY WE LOVE AN MISS YALL SO MUCH!!! DON'T YALL EVER FORGET THAT!!
10:17pm
****Gable
Mo, I have been hurt so many times, when i open my heart to them. I will always love them and help when I can, but I will not put my self through it any more. I love that kid with all my heart. The less i know the better off I am, thanks.
10:22pm
*******Ramsey
ok it just touch me i dont know whats goin on but i dont blame you but just let me tell you this satan is out to kill steal and destroy all he can and i know you said youve been hurt by them but just know this dont hold grudges when there gone hun you will miss them I miss my mother so much and i remember times id say things to her but i know she forgave me before she got Alzheimer but i still have the scars of what i said and how i did her and my dad when i was a teen into my 20's. Its none of my business and i wasnt posting that to make it my business i just didnt know if you knew how Amber felt I love you all and hope you all have a very Merry Christmas

Every time he goes over there, they start. He says I am mad and jealous b/c he went over there. That is not the reason I am mad. The reason I am mad is b/c they manipulate him using God and whatever else they can use to try to pull him back into bad situations. I am mad b/c after 15 yrs of marriage they still do not recognize me as his wife. I am mad b/c he cannot open his mouth and stand up for me. I am mad b/c i want better from him and I am mad b/c I am tired of the fights over his family.

This, yes I know it seems like a small thing, is just the beginning of what will be a long drawn out battle of bullsnot. I'm just not sure if I am up for it anymore. I want In-laws who appreciate me and love and respect me. Not ones who I have to watch everything I say or do for fear I will offend them.

So I ask, do I have a right to be mad. Or am I being petty and wrong?
 

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You are totally justified in your feelings. You are his wife. It is his job to defend you, wether it be to his family or anyone else.

He is not doing his job. He needs to buck up and grow a pair. If he doesn't, maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship with him.
 

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Honestly, I think you're possibly being petty and wrong, but not necessarily.

As long as he doesn't try to force you to endure bad treatment, why not let him be with his family and cope with their manipulation as HE sees fit from time to time?

Are there certain people in the family (like Amber) who can visit in your home without playing into the silliness? I'm pretty sure it's not every single person in his family that's being this way.
 

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I agree with dormant, and I learned the hard way.

In marriage counseling, I learned that my wife just wanted me to defend her, stand by her when others attacked her. Why would she want to visit my family when it just caused her pain?

Why would YOU want to?

You have a few choices... you can stay home and let him go alone. However this will probably make you look worse.

You can insist he not go, and I'm sure *(a) he'll resent you and (b) his absence will be blamed on you.

You can come to an agreement with your husband that he will defend you and your daughter if and when slights and insults occur. You can work out what that defense will be. he doesn't have to physically fight someone, he doesn't have to go ballistic. A simple "That was uncalled for" or "That isn't appreciated" delivered timely and sternly can be enough for you to feel he's on your side.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Honestly, I think you're possibly being petty and wrong, but not necessarily.

As long as he doesn't try to force you to endure bad treatment, why not let him be with his family and cope with their manipulation as HE sees fit from time to time?

Are there certain people in the family (like Amber) who can visit in your home without playing into the silliness? I'm pretty sure it's not every single person in his family that's being this way.
The only person who does visit us here at home, is his father. Sometimes his Step-Mother comes too. They treat me well. They also respect me in front of my kids and at my home.
It is a bit hard to just let him cope with it all. Most of the time he comes home upset and needs to talk. Or his mother will call and start an argument on the phone with him. Either way, as his wife, it is hard for me to turn and walk away when I know he needs comfort or support.

I agree with dormant, and I learned the hard way.

In marriage counseling, I learned that my wife just wanted me to defend her, stand by her when others attacked her. Why would she want to visit my family when it just caused her pain?

Why would YOU want to?

You have a few choices... you can stay home and let him go alone. However this will probably make you look worse.

You can insist he not go, and I'm sure *(a) he'll resent you and (b) his absence will be blamed on you.

You can come to an agreement with your husband that he will defend you and your daughter if and when slights and insults occur. You can work out what that defense will be. he doesn't have to physically fight someone, he doesn't have to go ballistic. A simple "That was uncalled for" or "That isn't appreciated" delivered timely and sternly can be enough for you to feel he's on your side.
I asked him about going to marriage counseling, last night. He is not to keen on the idea. How do you talk your spouse into going?
I guess I should have made it clear. I really do not want to visit them. There is always some new drama going on there, and I just don't like to live my life that way. Also my kids are; 17, 14, and 12. Some of the things Amber (the niece) does, well it is not appropriate for my kids. He and I both agreed that we do not want them thinking we condone that sort of behavior.

Thank you all for your responses. It does make me feel a bit better to know I am not crazy for just wanting his support.
 
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