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Need reassurance

2391 Views 22 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  Lyris
Hello ladies, I’m new here. Asking total strangers this question might not be the best idea but I need help getting into the minds of women and any insights would be greatly appreciated.

I’m 31 and have been together with the most amazing woman for 5 months now. She’s 27. I’m an attorney and she’s a publicist who does some modeling on the side (WOO-HOO! I can say I’m dating a model!). Obviously, she’s gorgeous but she’s also sweet, smart, and funny and everything else I’ve ever wanted. Basically, I feel I’ve hit the jackpot. Everything is going great and I can imagine marrying her.

The thing is, I’ve only suddenly become attractive to women within the past few years. What I mean is, I was very unsuccessful with girls in HS and college and law school was three years of non-stop work. I’ve noticed that now that my group of friends is in their late 20’s early 30’s, I don’t even have to try with women anymore; they’re very forward with asking me out.

My SO is really the best of many amazing women that I’ve dated over the past few years. The attention hasn’t gone to my head because I keep thinking “If I went to HS or college with her, would she have given me the time of day?” “I’m I the safe guy that will pay for a house and kids?”

Don’t get me wrong, she treats me better than I’ve ever been treated. I think we’re both close to saying “ILY.” But I can’t shake the thought that she realizes she is getting older and needs a “nice” guy to settle down with. It’s not because of anything she’s said or done, but because of how my dating life has changed in the past few years.

Do women think like this? Do they settle for husbands who will provide a nice life? I’m I just over thinking things?

PS, I’ve lurked here for a while and just want to say that if I knew she would treat me like SimplyAmorous or I’mInLoveWithHubby, I’d marry her tomorrow.;)
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I'm interested in to, I've been married over 13 years and I think to start with my wife was crazy about me but id say over the last 5 or 6 years I think its just the fact she is comfortable with me and I'm pretty stable don't drink do drugs our raise hell and I'm good around the house and with money also we have a son
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I suppose some women think like that, sure. I certainly don't.
I think as women get older though they do look more at a stable person and good father and looks are less important
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Is she giving you ANY reason for this line of thought? And NO, we do not all think in the manner that you described.

In my opinion you are overthinking! If she is crazy about you, why even follow this thought process, enjoy falling in love!
If a woman is serious about finding a mate, then yes, being stable plays a huge factor in it. A steady income is not everything, but if the baby clock is ticking, it has to be considered. I guess a better question would be why you want to be a lawyer. For the the pure joy of hours of research and writing or to have a good income and be stable?
If a woman is serious about finding a mate, then yes, being stable plays a huge factor in it. A steady income is not everything, but if the baby clock is ticking, it has to be considered. I guess a better question would be why you want to be a lawyer. For the the pure joy of hours of research and writing or to have a good income and be stable?
I became a lawyer for the career/financial stability. ;)

So, you're all in agreement that she's probably just settling for me?
I don't agree with anything.

What I do think is that you need to quit valuing yourself only according to what someone else thinks of you. Find your own intrinsic worth and WORK it. Love yourself and to heck with what anyone else thinks!!!!
I have no idea in your particular case but my brother dated a women years ago and she told him one night that she was almost 29 and she had to be married and have a child by the time she was 30. she obviously was more interested in that than actually being in love
She hasn't mentioned children but she has vaguely hinted at marriage with questions like "Where do you see yourself in x years?" or "Where do you see us in x years?"

This is really hard. She has that "in love" look in her eyes (stares at me deeply). But maybe she's just happy that she's found a generic "stable" guy (not specifically me)

If I had been better with girls/women when I was younger I wouldn't be thinking like this.....
I can relate. I have no self-esteem when it comes to women because never had much luck in highschool with women. I actually had a girl I was dating tell me one time that I had a great body but not much of a face. Even now if a women was to tell me I was the best looking thing she ever saw I would not believe her and start looking for her motive for saying that
I have always treated my husband with the upmost respect since the day we met. My husband is truly an amazing man and he is the very nice guy type. I could not imagine my life without him. I give him the same respect he gives me. We are extremely compatible and we are extremely supportive of each other.

I knew my husband was kind, patient, gentle, hardworking and respectful during our dating period. After we married he continued to be this way and so much more. I do not ever take him for granted. I tell him frequently how much I appreciate his efforts and how hard he works for us. My husband always has put my needs before his own. I do my ultimate best to meet his needs as well. I absolutely adore him. Our marriage is even stronger now then it was 12 years ago. We found that deeper emotional and physical connection. It's very nice.

I do hope you found this woman that treats you the way you want her to. I honestly do not know very many couples who get along like my husband and I do. We compromise on everything always talking our issues through. When we are having our bad days, we do give each other space for a day or two. I came here looking how to become a better wife to my husband from a mans point of view.

I know I sound sappy, but I don't care. My marriage is my number one priority. We both work equally hard on our marriage fulfilling one another's needs and wants. One thing is that I wish we met sooner.

Good luck! Make sure you really get to know her before you marry her. Make sure she treats you and others well. My husband and I spent a lot of time getting to know each other before we married.
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"She hasn't mentioned children"

Get this worked out before you marry her, it's a very important issue!

"This is really hard. She has that "in love" look in her eyes (stares at me deeply). But maybe she's just happy that she's found a generic "stable" guy (not specifically me)"

Stop doubting yourself. I never once felt my husband was that "generic stable guy".
I find it odd that you have been dating for 5 months and are even beginning to contemplate marriage but having yet said ILY.

As others have said --
Responsible adults (both men and women) do often find the fact that someone has made a success of their life (completed college and/or an advanced degree, found a career that is interesting and stable) as something that is attractive. Think about it -- do you really want to have a long term relationship with someone who doesn't know how she'll make rent? that goes out partying every night? Probably not.

While I don't think there is anything wrong with finding a man attractive because he has made a success of his life and is stable. I would, however, worry if she is looking for someone to provide that stability to her life. For example, if your girlfriend doesn't have a savings account, if she is racking up credit card debt, if she changes jobs every few months -- those are red flags.

At some point, when your girlfriend asks "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" you should ask "where do you see yourself?" Now, she might just say, "I'm beginning to think I see myself with you" (which would be nice to hear) but I would push further and say "do you think you'll still be working as a publicist? do you ever think about having children?" and so on.
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IILWMH, I can only hope that any future marriage that I'll be a part of is as good as yours! I've read most of your posts, you and your husband are inspiring.

Couleur, what I mean is that at this point in life I'm not really intersted in moving from woman to woman. I think both of us have been thinking about marriage privately and "ILY" will happen very soon.

She's actually the first partner I've ever had that's as serious about money as me. We're both savers and live modest lifestyles despite our (relatively) high incomes. Neither one of us has any debt and we both save a lot. She's also paid her way more often than my exes.
Both my husband and I are savers. We were engaged 6 months after meeting and married 6 months after our engagement. We just knew we were meant for each other. The connection has always been so strong.

I knew he was going to propose prior to our engagement because he gave the surprise away.;) My hubby said ILY after a month, it took longer for me to return the phrase. Now I say it several times a day. Our courtship was quick, but we knew there was no sense waiting to marry just to wait.:)
Nobody ever feels 100% certain in a relationship. And even if they do, the prevalence of mental illness and/or post-partum depression or even issues like diabetes that can make those with wildly fluctuating blood sugar act 'strange' is so high that nothing in life is ever certain. If you are feeling lack of confidence and uncertainty, consider yourself in good company, heck even the Dalai Lama says that sometimes he scratches his head over stuff. And he's in a relationship with God!
How long ago did you start being attractive to women? (Do you have a representative sample under the belt for your given city/age group/social class?)

Five months in and the "where do you see X in Y years" questions are rolling in... Where do you live? Is the region's culture conducive to women having "baby clocks" tick in the backs of their heads starting 60 days after high-school graduation?
I'd say, yes, there is a difference to the type of men some (SOME) women date, just to date for dating experiences... vs the type of men that they are willing to marry.

When she's young & flirty & not caring about the future, sure, she is apt to be more open to dating some jerks & *******s... along with guys that are just not "serious material".

Then when a lady starts to get older... more mature... she has an array of different type of men she's dated. She has trials of the type of men she gets along with, and knows more of the ones that she knows she does NOT want to spend her life with

At the point of starting to settle down... is she more attracted to calm, more mature men, who are stable & self-reliant?? I'd say the answer is YES. Normally a lady's taste in men does shift when she realizes that she is getting on in her life & maybe it is time to start looking for good potential "mates".

That being said... I wouldn't get too antsy. She may be narrowing her choices down to good potential mates, but not neccessarily ready to settle down just yet.
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How much are you making compared to her?Is it big difference?
Does she have "questionable" past but is acting all prude with you?

You guys didn't even say ILY to each other but are already talking about marriage.
Don't get married until this feeling goes away,you will need more time to get to know her and find out about her before you feel comfortable marrying her and it might take some time to remove all doubts.

If you do get married while having doubts you are likely to come back here and post in some of these subforums:
Coping with Infidelity
Considering Divorce or Separation
Going Through Divorce or Separation
Life After Divorce
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