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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I guess the short version is my husband and I went through a really bad time of it and 2 years later there are still issues that keep coming up. He says I have no right to be so upset. He said that at the time off and on. I guess I would like to see if I am overreacting or if I am justified in my feelings. I would love to hear from men especially.
Things started with him deciding he didn't know if he wanted to be married. After informing me of this he started acting out for a lack of a better way to put it. He was on yahoo personals and adultfriendfinder but claimed he did that to see if I was checking on him..... He got all into porn. I didn't have an issue with it every once in awhile but it became a all the time thing with interactive stuff and paying for it. Added to this he decided to hook up with a friend that was a regular VIP at a strip club and he started going at least once a week and lying about it. I found out because of the bankaccount and recites and such. I had gone with him in the past and knew what kind of place it was. He was not just going and getting a beer but lapdances were a must because "the other guys were getting them". I saw a striper insist he touch her butt in front of me so I can only imagine what might have been going on during all this. All this stuff had me upset and wanting to call it quits but he had a way of making it my faulr and in some ways I felt it was and more then anything I wanted to fix our marriage because I love him. Anyhow things came to a head when I found out he had created a gold membership on adultfriendfinder.com. Bad enough. But what made it worse was he was saying he was single and looking for a relationship but open to casual sex too. I lost it and he said he would quit the pron and the strip clubs. Since then he has broken both those promises though one of the 2 strip club things was a bachlor thing in Vegas. Anyhow after all this stuff and really the lying I have trust issues with him. He would say he was sorry about the stuff but would tell me I was overreacting or in the case of the strip clubs he was sorry for spending the money but not for going. Sometimes he is sorry for it all but it's like which story do I believbe? I guess I just want to know if you all think it is not a big deal or what. I am tired of his opinion that it is not that bad and doubting my feelings about it. Just want honest opinions that strangers can only give.
 

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Most men go to strip clubs which in and of itself isn't a bad thing, infact when I was married to my first wife she insisted I go there instead of a regular bar because "I couldn't bring the strippers home". Where I live if you touch them you are man handled and literally thrown out. Most people I think are curious of single online stuff too.

However, anytime anything like that becomes an addiction, take away from a relationship in anyway be it emotionally, sexually or even just time I think it is the problem and needs to end there and then.

Now I am not one to watch porn, nor have I ever been to a strip club since meeting my current wife. We have been married for ten years. We are dedicated to each other and nothing including our hobbies get in the way of our relationship.

Trust seems to be an issue which I think is the second most important factor of a relationship. So I don't think you are over reacting and frankly the
he did that to see if I was checking on him
really seems like a poor excuse.

Many people get lap dances which in many ways is harmless, however, he broke boundries you where not comfortable with which makes me question how much respect he has for you.

I think you are justified.

draconis
 

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You are totally justified in your concerns. He is engaging in poor behavior in things that he knows hurt you and is not doing anything about it. Trust issues? You bet and you have plenty of reasons for it. He is the one creating these issues because of the lying and deceit. I won’t go into my standard rant on porn in a marriage but if one party’s actions hurt the other it must stop if the marriage is to be whole.. I’ll have to disagree with Drac on the lap dance here. I don’t believe it is harmless fun. Sexual intimacy is sexual intimacy no matter what the barrier may be between the genitals. Be it a pair of Dockers or a condom. I don’t see much difference here. Your husband is showing no respect for you or your marriage and in my opinion, based on your descriptions here it is just a matter of time before he has sex with someone else. If in fact that has not already happened. Seek counsel and spiritual support if you want your marriage to work. Sorry I can’t be more uplifting here but you asked for opinions. Best of luck to you.
 

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Up until last year, I was very naive about the whole issue of men and porn. I was one of those women who thought I was with the only man who didn't look at other women until I found a load of porn on my husband's laptop. I was disgusted, disturbed, hurt and shocked..had a full-blown panic attack. It took me several days to bring myself to even talk to him. He told me 'most men do it...you should learn more about men' ouch...that stung, but he was right so I did a lot of checking around and from what I found, he was right.

At that point, I had to sort out what I found into what I could deal with vs. what was totally unacceptable to me. I decided that since learning men are visual creatures and look at other women by nature, I was ok with him fulfilling this need by looking at images on a screen (one way interaction) as long as it didn't interfere with our time together or sex life and didn't become an addiction.

I also found he had created accounts on some dating websites. He did not message/email anyone that I could tell and insisted he was just looking, but I told him this crossed a major line with me. He understood and respected that.

We were having other major problems in our marriage at the time (he had an emotional affair with a woman at work) so all of this hit me at once and it took some time for me to process it all. He has been very open-book since then.

I know he feared my reaction had I found out and now that we've talked through things, he has been very open with me. He says he has looked at porn since, but very infrequently and I'm really ok with that. He is still in the process of rebuilding my trust and I am careful to encourage open dialog without being judgemental but at the same time making sure he understands my feelings.

Long story short, I wouldn't worry so much about what is normal or not, but what you can deal with within your relationship. If you have gone with him to strip clubs in the past, it sounds as though you are more accommodating than most women, so having a heart to heart with him and coming up with a compromise that you are both comfortable with may work well for you. It comes down to him respecting your feelings and being honest with you about what he's doing and you standing up for yourself if he crosses the line that you both agree to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks for the replies. On the strip club thing I took a relaxed stance on it before it became a probem and during one fight during this period he said he was going to strip clubs because he knew i didn;t want him to go which hurt. When I called him on the fact he was doing it to hurt me and tried to find out why he claimed he was not doing it to hurt me....

The adultfriendfinder thing bothered me the most out of all the online stuff. Other sites you go to you can just be looking for friendship or even dating but this one if to find people to sleep with. Bad enough but then presenting himself as signle and looking for a relationship. Still makes me feel sick even though I don't think he acted on anything and he didnt seem to log in much (when I found out he hadn't logged in for over a month).

This stuff is coming up again because he went on a boys weekend in Mexico and came back and told me basically nothing about the trip so I looked in his wallet (not something I am proud of). I just feel like it should not ne too much to ask to tell me what they did. Before he left I went downtown with my girlfriends and told him about the whole night. I just feel like if he had been open and told me more stuff about the trip I would have had to wonder what he was hiding. He of course thinks I should just trust him and he shouldn't have to tell me anything. The Vegas trip he took a few months after the big blowup over adultfriendfinder was like this too. I knew he went to a strip club and got lapdances though because someone who went with him told me. His response to that was what happens in vegas stays in vegas. That was it for me and I told him I was moving out until we set up counseling or got a divorce. He said we would do the later so I went home and 2 weeks after found out I was pregnant with our first. I took it as a sign that we were meant to stay together and didn't push the counseling issue. Stupid on my part. Anyhow I have suggested we go now and he is blowing me off.
 

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He of course thinks I should just trust him and he shouldn't have to tell me anything.
What makes him think he's trustworthy after all of the lies and cover-ups you've already discovered? If he respected you, he would be working at stopping his actions that are so hurtful to you and doing whatever he could to earn back your trust, at the very least talking to you about where he's been and what he's been doing.

If he's not willing to go to counseling, I would suggest going on your own just for your own peace of mind.
 

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You haven't said how old your husband is. As early as mid-forties men can be affected by the drop in testosterone that has been happening to all men since their twenties. This seems to be one of the common symptoms of male menopause. Has he had any erectile problems with you, has he had any trouble achieving erection or early ejaculation? These problems need to be taken to a doctor. I have recommended studying The Angry Man Syndrome before; I think it may help you, look it up online. Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I don't think it is that. He is 30 and there are no problems sexually. Well other then he doesn't think it happens enough though it is at least once a week and sometimes more. From what I have heard that is about average.
 

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I don't think it is that. He is 30 and there are no problems sexually. Well other then he doesn't think it happens enough though it is at least once a week and sometimes more. From what I have heard that is about average.
Actually the average of all couples is 3.4 times a week and of those that said they had a happy or very happy relationship averaged 4.1 times a week.

draconis
 

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If I'm being honest, your husband doesn't sound like a very nice person. I think your feelings are justified and if he really wants to be with you he should be understanding of how much you were hurt and that he needs to earn your trust by being open about everything.
 

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I empathize with the pain you have expressed feeling.

I can't speak for anyone other than myself, so take
what I write as valid only to the extent that it is in
your case.


For me, there is a line that, once crossed, is very
difficult to cross back.
And that's the line of
bad faith of which lying is an example. When
someone shows bad faith in any relationship, it spells
hard times and possibly disaster for that relationship.
The fact that the relationship is one of marriage
doesn't change this. In fact, it mainly seems to
exacerbate it.

If the person committing the wrong can't find it within
himself or herself to be sufficiently & sincerely contrite;
when there is a good deal of blame-shifting in an effort
to get one's own way at the expense of that
individual's supposedly beloved spouse, that speaks
volumes to me.

I know of no pain-free solutions. I only know this:
when a healthy person is in a sick relationship,
eventually the sick relationship will come to an end
because the healthy person "can't take it anymore," or
the offending person will become sufficiently contrite
and motivated to fix things, acknowledging his or her
own responsibility without blame-shifting, accusations,
or conniving games.

In most instances, I don't hold my breath for the
offending person to change. It can and does happen.
But not very often in my experience.

I can't know, of course, but you sound like an
overall healthy person to me. I wish you best of
results - whatever they may come to be.

Regards,
Bal
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks for your responses. It is nice to see that no one thinks my lack of trust is unfounded.

As for my husband he is a nice person and the 5 years before all this were great. Our friends were shocked when all this went down because they considered us the model couple. we are an interracial couple who before all this mainly fought over his family or his dad who to this day (9 years later and one grandkid) is still hoping for a split. I think that makes it all the harder to understand and also to consider ending it. There is always the question of if we could get back to good again. Add to the mix our daughter who he loves to death. Just hard to know what to do.

I am wonderinf if any of you have tried professional help in your relationships? Two of his friends went and said it didn't do anything and I have two friends that say it didn't really help much either. Just wondering if anyone out there had good results or what.
 

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:iagree:

Agreed, you both need to approach it with an open mind and be positive about its ability to help you. Yes, my wife and I did go into counseling last summer for about 4 months. It did help us in understanding some of our core issues. We stopped because we felt that counselor had taken us as far as she could go and because we felt we knew what needed to be done. We are still working at getting things back on track and have agreed that if we can’t we’d take a look at counseling again. I’d recommend you do it.
 
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