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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband is one of the nicest men you could meet. So nice that he avoids conflict at any cost. I am the opposite. Fiercely loyal and not afraid to stand up to others. I have a 'loud' personality. I am successful, fun and a great friend. Growing up I never had anyone stand up for me when things went wrong. Family and friends assumed I could handle my own. Here we are 22 years in our marriage my husband has never stood up to anyone that has said disrespectful or hurtful things to me. There have been a few times his family has made comments to me, and he looked the other way, telling me, he can't change who they are. I said, but you can change how rude they are to me. (i should mention, it has only been a few times, and his siblings are in their 60's. I am very good to them, having them to dinner every time they are in town. But there have been times nonetheless). I beg him to stand behind me when our son is disrespectful, he will chime in for our son to 'calm down.' Our son is 20.... Our daughter 18. I am losing respect for him. I get so angry that I yell and say hurtful things, which seems is the only way he will listen. We JUST had this discussion yesterday, he agreed he needs to speak up, went to family dinner tonight, and my son was disrespectful and what did my husband do? Tried to change the subject with our son so he didn't start a confrontation. This is truly ruining our marriage. Any advice would be so appreciated. He is passive with everything!!!
 

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Is this the only issue? Are there other things about him you do respect?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi, yes there are aspects I respect...his work ethic, the fact he is a gentlemen, he doesn't raise his voice to me, etc. But the fact that he does not stand up for me, nor does he EVER bring up his feelings, or what's on his mind, is unbelievably frustrating. He can be the nicest guy in the world, but if I feel alone on an island, then any respect flies out the window.
 

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Could you describe the disrespect from your son?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Agreed Clipclop2!

jld: I am curious why it matters exactly what he says? The point is, he disrespects me verbally. My husband even admits it. He constantly promises to stand up for me, but he never does. Then when I get upset, he talks to our son, 'in private.' Not good enough for me. Grow a pair and confront the child with me present.
 

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italian1, this sounds like a really interesting problem, on a number of levels.

As someone who is "not afraid to stand up to others," the obvious question is, if that's the way you are, WHY do you need your husband to stand up for you?

The next question that staggers in and plops down on my mental sofa is, do you ever wonder if maybe some of these myriad hurtful things that are said to you have anything at all to do with you having a self described "loud" personality?

I mean, sure, you're innocent and blameless, a true victim here, but its just maybe possible that some of these hurtful things that are said to you are spoken because somebody misunderstood something you said in your loud, not afraid to stand up to anybody voice.

See, the thing is, when you act all "loud" to people, well, (sit down, this is going to rock your world) there are other people out there who have "loud" personalities, too. And they respond to "loud" by getting "loud" right back.

This is sometimes described as "went to family dinner tonight and my son was disrespectful......"

But anyway, none of this probably interests you, since you have no use for mirrors. You asked for an objective opinion on your passive husband.

Your husband is probably afraid that if he says anything, he will get (another) dose of his "not afraid to stand up to others" wife's "loud personality," and he just doesn't want to deal with it.

I mean, he's passive because he knows he's going to get a verbal beatdown when you find something unsatisfactory in how other people speak to you, but experience has probably taught him that if he speaks up, he'll get double.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Well thank you for your insight....do not confuse 'loud' personality to being rude and disrespectful, of which I am not. I love people and the thought of hurting someone devastates me! I am quite familiar with the mirror scenario which is why I am so conscious of others feelings. The 2 situations of rude in laws was unwarranted and unprovoked, and they eventually apologized. My husband admits he avoids confrontation at all costs. My family and friends see it.
He is not assertive, so how is that my fault? Funny how words can be read different.

My hot button is that he has never stood up for me. Even when men have made sexual comments. Is he going to get a verbal beat down when I have to fend for myself while he stands idle? Yes and I am not apologizing for that. Any man that allows their wife to be disrespected has bigger issues emotionally, don't you think?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Wolf1974: Why did I marry him? Because of love. Doesn't every relationship have ebbs and flows??? Just looking for advice from others that have been thru bumps in the road.
 

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Parents should always be firm concerning a child's disrespectful behavior.

Not like you, you must not like having the support of your spouse unless you are heroes on an issue. That's the only reason I can see someone ask the question you posed.

A man who does not defend/protect his wife is not a man.
 

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I asked because I am wondering if your husband thinks you are overreacting. Maybe to him, it is not really disrespect?
 

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Wolf1974: Why did I marry him? Because of love. Doesn't every relationship have ebbs and flows??? Just looking for advice from others that have been thru bumps in the road.
Funny that you mention the word love cause to me love is greatly about acceptance. You married a man who is not an aggressive guy. He wasn't then and he isn't now. So maybe loving him should be about accepting the things he is and understanding about the things he isn't
 

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I get so angry that I yell and say hurtful things, which seems is the only way he will listen. We JUST had this discussion yesterday, he agreed he needs to speak up...
Yeah, and how is that working out for ya?

Maybe, just maybe, you could quit being so LOUD and OVERBEARING and actually RESPECT your husband enough to understand HIS way of dealing with things could be BETTER than your approach.

You REFUSE to hear anything that anybody else has to say. GOTTA BE YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY. Or ELSE. Simmer down, loudmouth. Nobody wants to hear it. Especially your husband.

GOT IT NOW????
 

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it's one thing to be married to someone who is passive. But it's another for a parent not to stand up and do the proper thing. Children need to understand the concept of respect. when only one parent is willing to challenge my child disrespect their challenge is thoroughly undermined.

so what do we have in the end. We have a wife who feels on supported. We have a son who is disrespectful and mouthy. And we have a husband who is shirking his job. In other words now we have a non happy family with a child he's going to grow up not being the man he should be because he had a lack of example

my husband can be non confrontational in a lot of ways. well really avoidant. but one thing I have to hand to him is that with respect to the children he is intolerant of disrespect he backs me up just as I back him up.

even if one parent is wrong it is better to back one another up sorted out separately and then return to the child with an apology. if the parents act together the kids never have a doubt about who's in charge.

are the people who are responding on this parents? Or are they brow beaten men?

the drag is I would suggest that they buy a book to look at the things that must do together to raise a healthy child but most men refuse to read parenting books.

still it's worth a go.

it might not solve his personality across the board but it may help the child in the end.
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Yes, parents should take a united front dealing with children.

I am questioning why you feel her method of yelling and saying hurtful things is BETTER than his way.

Maybe if OP backed up her HUSBAND's position about how to deal with a disrespectful child, things would change.
 

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We know only one side of the equation here. It is impossible to know who instigates these confrontations that OP feels are coming her way. The siblings, son, etc may have a very different story to tell.

I rarely meet someone who frequently feels the need for others to "stand up" for them. I certainly don't feel that need. Don't recall my wife saying anything like this. Now that our daughter is grown, my wife regrets most of the times she really knuckled down on our daughter. (a more respectful child you'll never meet) Says it was more about control than discipline.

Blindly defending someone during every confrontation is of little benefit. Finding out why so many confrontations occur might be.

Sure, women want men. Men want women, also.
 

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Op on a personal note, please try to get ahold of yourself and not get extremely angry in front of the child. by getting angry you are really feeding the power that the child feels. since you can't change your husband you really have no choice but to try to change yourself. unfortunately this puts a lot of burden on you because in order to recover you're going to have to behave in a manner when it comes to dealing with your emotions control with respect to the child. but it has to be done.

You're not the only mom who is essentially raising a child themselves. There a lot of parents I want to be friends with their kids but don't want to do the hard work necessary to actually raise them. soll I know you feel alone you aren't alone

have you ever tried yoga? I was usually skeptical about the benefits of yoga I have to tell you I was really wrong. Yoga is great for the mind and the body. it might help you to center and calm down. And it might provide you with the extra energy you need to make up for your husband is deficit.
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Agreed Clipclop2!

jld: I am curious why it matters exactly what he says? The point is, he disrespects me verbally. My husband even admits it. He constantly promises to stand up for me, but he never does. Then when I get upset, he talks to our son, 'in private.' Not good enough for me. Grow a pair and confront the child with me present.
How is she essentially raising the kids on her own? All because SHE doesn't like HIS methods doesn't make her the only parent here.

I think the son is a chip off of ole mommy's shoulder. You get what you get when you act disrespectful to people.
 
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