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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is a complicated story, like many others on here i assume. I'm going to be very honest because i'm desperately needing some solid advice and maybe answers.

My wife wakes up one morning after sleeping on the couch (i went to bed early and didn't realize) that she's not happy anymore and wants to leave. I knew something was wrong the day before because she was definitely down, i asked her 20 times if she was okay and she just kept saying it was one of those days. I come home from work that evening and she's taken our son to her mothers and wouldn't answer my calls. She comes back and stays at her friends for the next few days until i finally put my foot down and told her that our son was staying in his home in his bed. She comes back to the house but will barely look at me or talk to me and won't make eye contact. She says she can't get over the past (i'll explain later) and that she wants out. We spend three weeks passing by each other with me desperately trying to talk to her (doing everything your not supposed to do i guess). She stops talking to our friends, and starts buying new clothes and iphones and starts getting very dressed up for work but says she has no interest in saving, working or being in the marriage. We'd recently both just started new jobs and i had definitely been a little preoccupied and busy with the new job so we were maybe a little more short with each other than we'd be recently.

Just over a year ago we separated because of a drug addiction i had. For two years i actively suffered from addiction and i fully know that the price was high for her. I got help and got clean and stayed clean. As a matter of fact i became a better person and was growing more each day. After three months we reconciled and moved back in together and since then life has been good. We've been healing, raising our son together and genuinely life had been overall good. Wed bought a new vehicle six months ago because we needed a vehicle, she primarily drove this vehicle, we bought a house and renovated it and she was so engaged, happy and in love with the house. Three weeks before she stated she wanted to leave she had just gone off birth control because we'd been planning our next child and she wanted to flush her system for a few months, whether she stopped taking her anti depressants i don't know. Life was genuinely good, you know the normal marriage stuff but good overall.

After she declared she wanted to leave we attended one counselling session at my request and the next week she got a call saying she got an apartment, she gave me the keys to the vehicle back, said i was on my own to pay for our house and after she pays the bills in the new apartment she probably has less than 200 dollars to spare. Her rent is more than our mortgage. Her mom shows up with her when she tells me and it gets a little twilight zone. they both start attacking me and blaming it on me, i get defensive and yell back. It ends in a fight.

Now fast forward two weeks and she's living her life out on facebook, completely walked from all of our friends of 7 years and won't listen to anything anyone has to say. Apparently her life is getting filled with drama but i don't know the details. I did find out that apparently there's rumours going around that she's "seeing" or has been emotionally involved with a man from her new work. Which would explain alot. I called her out on this but she says it's not true. Were sharing custody of our child right now and she seems to be out all the time with him (i dont know where) and her drinking has picked up (she wasn't much of a drinker prior).

She is not anywhere near the person i know right now and i'm so lost, hurt and confused. In august two years ago our son was born and in Oct/November she was diagnosed with post partum depression and was put on meds which she was remained on. Last year in oct she left me (over my addiction and she can't be blamed for that) but she also suffered from severe depression boughts which i'm also partially responsible for, this year in November she clearly goes into another depression bought and this time it's pretty severe.

I've been doing some look into BPD and she has alot of the symptoms but i don't want to start diagnosing her myself. She communicated to me that she was feeling depressed but thinks it's our marriage (in the past year she's said not only to me but to everyone else how happy she was) so i take this as pretty blindsided.

How do i approach this? How do i deal with this? If she is BPD when she comes down from this will she realize what's going on or will she still feel this is right? What do i do if she's with another man, it would be incredibly not her to have an affair or go outside of the marriage but it also makes sense.

Thoughts?

I've moved this over from the Depression forums to get more feedback as i'm pretty messed up over the situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
She told me last night that she obviously doesn't think our marriage is worth working on.

To understand my wife is one of the warmest people you'll ever meet. She's definitely had some up and down moments over the past few years and i've had without doubt caused her some great pain, but she stuck it out and in the end, i changed in wonderful ways for her.

I do not recognize the person that speaks to me, the way she speaks to me and what she's now doing with her life.

She has detached herself from all of our friends, initially she tried reaching out to many of them but i think they all told her what they thought of her actions and thus she's stopped speaking with them because there going against what she's doing.

New hair cuts, new clothes, increased drinking, not sure about her spending but since our credit cards are joint i saw that she took out a large cash advance off her credit card that almost maxed it out. I can only assume it was for bills at her new appartment as the total expense there is more than our home and there's no feasible way she can afford it and have much left over to live on.

She vehemently denies being with this man from work and i haven't heard anything new to the contrary but time will tell. All the rumours from people at her work are still there, she got in trouble for spending too much time talking in his office, and apparently he told his boss they were an item or together.

I'm struggling because we had literally just moved into the next phase of our life, bought a new vehicle which she picked out and drove, bought a house together and renovated it, and were planning our next child. I know our marriage wasnt without issue, she does things that drive me crazy and vice versa but we were generally happy.

She wakes up one day and tells me she doesn't want this life, she doesn't love me and shes' leaving. She told me last night that it hasn't all been bad but that she woke up and realized she wasnt happy and she wanted out. She's not interested in councilling because she doesn't feel it's worth saving.

My entire world has been pulled out from under my feet and i really don't know how to process all of this. Last night i told her that i didnt want anymore communication from her unless it was regarding drop off/pick up times for our son or if he's sick. My door was open for councilling or to talk about us but that was it. She text me almost everyday, usually just about silly stuff like where's this, hows Zayden. And each time it rips me apart to think this is it for our family. I can't pretend like nothings happening which is what she seems to want to do.
 

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The only advice I can offer in your situation is that as long as you make things easy for her to be gone, she has everything she wants. As hard as it might be to turn your back on her you need to go dark, dont talk to her, dont ask her for anything, dont be there when she decides she wants or needs you.

Pretend if you have to, that your life is going great and belive it or not you're happy! Let her think she did you a favor.

I assume you still have your child with you? Let her know he will stay with you!! She can pay you child support (which I doubt she will want to do since she only has $200 a month left). Go hard.

Wake her up and then see if its worth saving.
 

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I'd advise going to speak to an attorney. When both of your names are on the mortgage, car note, it is BOTH of your responsibility to make the payments. There needs to be a formal arrangement on custody, finances, etc.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.
 

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Longingforhome,
I have seen these types of things play out on this site time and time again. You are not alone. This board is littered with stories of women who go off the deep end and decide "They don't want this life" or "I don't love you, etc." So what is going on?

1. Your W is having an affair. Emotional for sure but women go from EA to PA with lightning speed when the OM is easily accessable. The signs are all there that she is cheating.

OR

2. Your wife is suffering from some mental health condition or is starting a mid-life crisis.

Her behavior, like so many women who have done what you are describing, is typical. They get sick of being married. They decide they want the single life, meet an OM, or whatever and want out.

So what do you do? You give her what she wants. If she doesn't want to be married then nothing you can say or do will change her mind, so you let her go. This means total no contact except for your son. This means you close all joint accounts immediately. This means no more money for her from you unless ordered by a judge. This means you speak to an attorney to get custody of your child and child support if need be. Your son will need you since his mom has now gone crazy. Your wife is going to self destruct sooner rather than later. You sit back and watch her train wreck happen while emotionally protecting yourself via NC and you son. Best of luck here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
When we have talked she say she's happy, she's keeping busy and she's not thinking about things. It hurts, but i don't entirely believe her either. I chose to initiate NC because literally i couldnt go another day with her texting me 5 times and each time this switch goes off inside that wants to respond out of hope. My councillor has indicated it's her way of staying in touch with me but i realized i can't deal with it. I didn't want this to happen and i'm the one holding out hope for our family but i can't do this to myself anymore. I can barely get through a day with the emotional swings as it is.

My wife does not have any long term friends she has never been able to sustain relationships. She has a habit of trying to get too close to people, i've always felt it had to do with low self esteem but she definitely has said some wildly inappropriate things, personal things to people in the past that have pushed them into an uncomfortable zone. Her relationships with other woman have always been rocky, more so with her needing/wanting the friendship and them eventually pushing away.

I'm trying to figure out how to cope with the emotions and definitely looking for solid advice. I don't want to push her to the brink of no return but i have to do what's in my best interests right now.

I definitely have felt that there is some mental health issues going on here but i'm not a doctor and so i dont want to diagnose her. but it has been an issue in our marriage since our sons birth the depression and medication she's received.

Do these woman ever come down and realize that their marriages are important? When we seperated last time she was a scary single person, she made a whole mess of her life and the relationships in it, she wasnt with anyone during the time and neither was i but she goes into this, i want to gossip, talk, chatter and pretend like nothing is going on mode and you could see her destructing as a person. I"m worried for her that's going to happen again. I don't want her to go through that, but i guess i want her to go through whatever she has to too face what she's done.
 

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Longingforhome,
I have seen these types of things play out on this site time and time again. You are not alone. This board is littered with stories of women who go off the deep end and decide "They don't want this life" or "I don't love you, etc." So what is going on?

1. Your W is having an affair. Emotional for sure but women go from EA to PA with lightning speed when the OM is easily accessable. The signs are all there that she is cheating.

OR

2. Your wife is suffering from some mental health condition or is starting a mid-life crisis.

Her behavior, like so many women who have done what you are describing, is typical. They get sick of being married. They decide they want the single life, meet an OM, or whatever and want out.

So what do you do? You give her what she wants. If she doesn't want to be married then nothing you can say or do will change her mind, so you let her go. This means total no contact except for your son. This means you close all joint accounts immediately. This means no more money for her from you unless ordered by a judge. This means you speak to an attorney to get custody of your child and child support if need be. Your son will need you since his mom has now gone crazy. Your wife is going to self destruct sooner rather than later. You sit back and watch her train wreck happen while emotionally protecting yourself via NC and you son. Best of luck here.
It's amazing how many cheaters like to mistake the high and excitement of a new fling for "happiness". Someone shows some interest, they feel a "connection", their brain chems go nuts, and all of a sudden THIS must be what happiness is all about, and the past countless years count for nothing.

It is a small mind that does not understand the process that takes place in our bodies and minds when we meet "someone new", can't logically understand what happens to them, and they continue to pursue this drug that is bad for them and their entire family.

I agree with MinVA... She's cheating. We see the same signs time and again, and extremely rarely have the signs been wrong. New clothes. New friends. New (locked) phone. New hair. New attitude. New "work" hours. Staying out at a family members or "friend's" place. Put all or most of them together, and it typically means "new d!ck".

She didn't "fall out of love" or "this life" with you. She fell for someone new. And in those that can't see beyond the immediate satisfaction and rush of "new love", well, as the guy who's been there for years, you just can't compete with that.

So...take yourself away from her. Make her feel the loss. Right now she doesn't, as she left you. In her mind all is right with the world.

VA is right. Give her what she wants (space). In fact give her more than she could ever hope for. Until you do, you're the annoying husband getting in the way of her good times.

Go NC except as required regarding the kids and divorce. Stop helping her carry on in this happy affair fog by not giving her consequences. Bring some real turmoil into her life by:

1. Removing yourself from it. She may not "want this" anymore, but she's known you for years. Just you being around in any way is reassuring to her. Take that away.

2. Filing for divorce. Right now she's putting that on the back burner so it doesn't get in the way of her fun now. Can't be bothered with messy things like divorce when she's trying to have a good time, right? Well don't let her dictate that. File now, and mess up her new, fun, exciting life now.

Added benefit is she will be pissed. In shock. And she'll want to talk about it. To her new "man". She'll pass it off as she's happy about it, but she'll still be nervous and pissed. And the OM will have an "oh chit" moment or three as he realizes his "no strings attached" fling will be looking to him soon for a relationship. That will snap HIM out of fantasy land, and he'll start looking at her and her many faults much harder.

3. Stop supporting her and her good time. She's now "independant and on her own". Let her see what the reality of that little fantasy is as well.

4. Again, remove yourself from her life. Stated twice because this can be the biggest step with the most significant results. Someone can't miss you or think about you logically when you are around too much (and in a cheater even a text or call can be "too much) because any negative feelings they have for you are reinforced every time they see or hear from you (pressuring them in effect), even if it's "just to talk" once a week or so. Plus, it reinforces to her that you're "still there". Don't contact her. Don't send her texts. Don't "accidentally" call her or text her (you may think you're being slick, but it's obvious to her what you're doing). Disappear from her life except as needed for the kid and to settle the divorce. The further away you stay, the more time she'll spend thinking about you, what you're doing, and why you're not contacting her. She'll begin to wonder if she really is too good for you (in her mind now she is, otherwise she wouldn't have left or sought out another man) since you seem to be so easily walking away from her. She's not expecting THAT.

Good luck. Time to rattle her cage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
What have other people done in these situations? I'm choosing to walk away right now because i respect she says it's not worth it and i need to respect myself enough to know i'm worth more than that.

My problem is that i don't believe we've neared the truth. She may be having an EA or a PA, i'm not so sure it's happened yet, or if it's actually happening but the signs are definitely there and there's some wild and weird events going on. I'm more inclined to believe that she feels attracted to someone and as said previously this can go to a PA quickly. I also can't believe much of what she say since honesty is few and far between right now.

I'm going NC and i have my threshold for what i can find in myself to potentially move forward from in the future and if it gets there my switch will flip. But in the mean time, i'm going to do whats best for me and my son, but what other "things" can be done while i'm NC that will push her to make a final choice one way or another. I know that she's on a fine line right now personally and i think this has more to do with something she's going through than me. That's not saying i havent contributed to this but the woman i've spent 7 years with would have confronted me about the feelings. So how do i "handle" this new person?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
That could be said to have some merit. But i haven't always been so great to her either, if it wasn't for her strength when i went through my struggles we would have literally never known some of the wonder we've experienced the past year.

I believe in Love, i believe that it's love and take, i believe she's worth fighting for, but i believe i'm worth fighting for as well. I'm walking away right now because i need to do this for myself not because i don't love her.

She may have many faults, but she has many strengths as well. I'm just having a hard time differentiating between who i'm dealing with now versus who i know her to be.
 

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No spouse wakes up one day and wants out. There is always a driving force behind that motive which is always usually infidelity or severe unhappiness from abuse etc etc.

A good solution is working on your own coping ability through the body first. Start exercising and getting plenty of fruits and vegetables and drastically increasing the amount of ascorbic acid (vitamin c, helps GREATLY vs. stress) and testosterone production (saw palmetto, helps GREATLY vs depression) should be a good start.

Don't cling to your wife, or call her unless its related to your son. Focus on yourself, do not ask her about "us", leave her be and focus on yourself, become a better man than you are now. Let the dust settle, she is high on dopamine with the new freedom of the fantasy single life that she is living.

Give yourself some time be able to build up your focus and drive to remain calm when SHE brings up the "us".
 

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This is a complicated story, like many others on here i assume. I'm going to be very honest because i'm desperately needing some solid advice and maybe answers.

My wife wakes up one morning after sleeping on the couch (i went to bed early and didn't realize) that she's not happy anymore and wants to leave. I knew something was wrong the day before because she was definitely down, i asked her 20 times if she was okay and she just kept saying it was one of those days. I come home from work that evening and she's taken our son to her mothers and wouldn't answer my calls. She comes back and stays at her friends for the next few days until i finally put my foot down and told her that our son was staying in his home in his bed. She comes back to the house but will barely look at me or talk to me and won't make eye contact. She says she can't get over the past (i'll explain later) and that she wants out. We spend three weeks passing by each other with me desperately trying to talk to her (doing everything your not supposed to do i guess). She stops talking to our friends, and starts buying new clothes and iphones and starts getting very dressed up for work but says she has no interest in saving, working or being in the marriage. We'd recently both just started new jobs and i had definitely been a little preoccupied and busy with the new job so we were maybe a little more short with each other than we'd be recently.

Just over a year ago we separated because of a drug addiction i had. For two years i actively suffered from addiction and i fully know that the price was high for her. I got help and got clean and stayed clean. As a matter of fact i became a better person and was growing more each day. After three months we reconciled and moved back in together and since then life has been good. We've been healing, raising our son together and genuinely life had been overall good. Wed bought a new vehicle six months ago because we needed a vehicle, she primarily drove this vehicle, we bought a house and renovated it and she was so engaged, happy and in love with the house. Three weeks before she stated she wanted to leave she had just gone off birth control because we'd been planning our next child and she wanted to flush her system for a few months, whether she stopped taking her anti depressants i don't know. Life was genuinely good, you know the normal marriage stuff but good overall.

After she declared she wanted to leave we attended one counselling session at my request and the next week she got a call saying she got an apartment, she gave me the keys to the vehicle back, said i was on my own to pay for our house and after she pays the bills in the new apartment she probably has less than 200 dollars to spare. Her rent is more than our mortgage. Her mom shows up with her when she tells me and it gets a little twilight zone. they both start attacking me and blaming it on me, i get defensive and yell back. It ends in a fight.

Now fast forward two weeks and she's living her life out on facebook, completely walked from all of our friends of 7 years and won't listen to anything anyone has to say. Apparently her life is getting filled with drama but i don't know the details. I did find out that apparently there's rumours going around that she's "seeing" or has been emotionally involved with a man from her new work. Which would explain alot. I called her out on this but she says it's not true. Were sharing custody of our child right now and she seems to be out all the time with him (i dont know where) and her drinking has picked up (she wasn't much of a drinker prior).

She is not anywhere near the person i know right now and i'm so lost, hurt and confused. In august two years ago our son was born and in Oct/November she was diagnosed with post partum depression and was put on meds which she was remained on. Last year in oct she left me (over my addiction and she can't be blamed for that) but she also suffered from severe depression boughts which i'm also partially responsible for, this year in November she clearly goes into another depression bought and this time it's pretty severe.

I've been doing some look into BPD and she has alot of the symptoms but i don't want to start diagnosing her myself. She communicated to me that she was feeling depressed but thinks it's our marriage (in the past year she's said not only to me but to everyone else how happy she was) so i take this as pretty blindsided.

How do i approach this? How do i deal with this? If she is BPD when she comes down from this will she realize what's going on or will she still feel this is right? What do i do if she's with another man, it would be incredibly not her to have an affair or go outside of the marriage but it also makes sense.

Thoughts?

I've moved this over from the Depression forums to get more feedback as i'm pretty messed up over the situation.
So have you figured out who the OM is yet? Because I can assure you that she is eyeballs-deep in an affair.

Have you done any snooping to find out who he is? I would suggest you do so. Check her cellphone. Check your cellphone records.

Find out who OM is and be ready to expose the affair to everyone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I don't know him, but i know who he is. He works at her new job.

I've asked her for NC and she' texted me twice to ask about things she knows she doesn't need to talk to me about. I haven't responded.

Last talk we had she was adamant she wasn't cheating and that it's all just rumours. I don't believe her and i wish i could just find out the truth so that i could process the pain and start to move on.

If she was unhappy about things in our marriage than i'm not upset about that, i'm upset that she didn't say a word, led me to believe she was happy and then wakes up one day and walks out the door under all the circumstances i've listed above.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Well it was confirmed. I got into my wife's email account and found the most painful to see photo of things she was ending to the man from work along with emails. Naked, self touching, and just break my heart to see. I outed her to her family and our friends and got the truth out there. She said she apparently called this off and that they never once actually got physical, when she was moving out although i'm not sure i agree.

She says she still stands by her reasons for leaving despite the poor choice she made. Still says she was unhappy and doesn't regret leaving. Said she's sorry for what she did but that's it.

Although she seems to be softening in terms of her attitude and behaviour i'm not sure she's fully ready to face what she's done.

I'm not holding out hope, i communicated to her that i'm here, told her what i thought. But said that unless she was willing to make significant changes than i'm not willing to face this with her.

I'm utterly devastated but i suppose i feel better that i know.
 

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Contact her boss and hr. you might cause her to loose her job, but you more likey will end the affair, and that is your only chance to save your marriage.

Kill the affair and you have a chance,

Let her and the OM see each other everyday and you will get what you already have.

Exposé the affair at work to HR.

Post the OM on cheaterville.com

It's tine to go to war to fight for you children's future.
 

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If her affair partner is a coworker you need to notify her boss or HR. without one of them leaving the work the affair will never stop.
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  • Naked, self touching, and just break my heart to see.
  • She says she still stands by her reasons for leaving despite the poor choice she made.
  • Still says she was unhappy and doesn't regret leaving.
  • Said she's sorry for what she did but that's it.
Longing, if you were my friend, and I came to you with this story about my wife, what advice would you give me? Better yet, imagine your son is an adult, and he came to you with this same story, what would you advise him to do?

My friend, I have to say, in my opinion she's crossed the unforgivable line; I would cease to know her. I know your head is spinning right now, but give it all some more time to sink in; you know the truth, you'll never feel secure with her again. Never.

T
 
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
It's tough to say for me what's unforgiveable but basically it's pointless she says she has no interest in working on our marriage and that's it.

So, i guess i'll work on me. Don't know how i'm going to do this but i suppose i'll find a way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
The update as it stands is that, my wife has fully come clean, at least i believe about whats going on. She did what she did, she knows it was wrong and she's in therapy to deal with it.

Her therapist has advised her that talking to me is not a good idea. She says she doesn't love herself, she's not happy with who she is and what she just did is a big part of it, but more so what i did to her while i was in my addiction for two years. She has some valid points about what i put her through, i won't take that her away. But i faced my problems, cleaned up and provided in wonderful ways for my family. She brought up some one of points about things that i didnt do at certain times, things i neglected but stated that it was her being unhappy with who she was and the fact she didnt lover herself anymore.

I don't know what to do, obviously i'm walking away to let her figure this out, but emotionally i'm left to deal with the situation i'm in alone. I've got all of our families possessions, debts, liabilities to take care of. We apparently are set to start some councilling in two weeks with the councillor i've been seeing but she says it's only to find out how we can be amiccable for our son. I told her that while that will need to happen at one point, i'm not looking to be a amiccable, i'm looking to either find a way to work on my marriage or get as far away from her as possible. I told her not to bother showing up if that was her intention.

She still seems like she's depressed, and she's much more levelheaded than she's been so i've been advised that depression is a big part of this. I can respect some of the things she said and i'm willing to face them with her but i still don't think like she's gotten to the bottom of everything thats going on inside herself yet.

Any advice for somenoe who's not ready to give up hope? Anybody been through this and seen how it ends up?
 
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