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I get you're in shock. The quicker you wake up the better off you'll be. Good thing going to your parents you need al, the help and support you can get at this time.

Infidelity happens all the time. Don't be embarrassed you didn't do this.

I would see an attorney and at least understand your rights in this situation. Knowledge is power and the more you know the better of you'll be.

Good luck
 

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If your wayward wife wants to reconcile this it would have to be total no contact with her other man which means you have to cut off the other family completely forever. It also takes @ 2-5 years for R with no guarantees

Not to mention some serious individual counciling got her to fix herself. Skip any MC for now.

As you've seen she has the capability to cheat and it doesn't just go away.
 

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Do NOT let her stop you from contacting the POSOM wife. Call her YOURSELF without your wife around.
She needs to know what a POS she is married to. You need to blow this up.

Make sure you keep the evidence. You DO need to be truthful to the kids (tell them in a age-appropriate manner), but SHE doesn't get to decide that -- YOU do. She of course wants to keep everything quite so that nobody finds out what a horrible person she is..

Do NOT believe anything that she tells you -- she will be trying to gaslight you and minimize everything.
 

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Discussion Starter #25 (Edited)
Nope, all cheaters lie, hide and deny. Would you want to be kept in the dark if she knew before you? You are helping cover up the affair. This is just an excuse not to do what's needed. Big mistake on your part. What's this getting you? It often enables the affair. You can work on nothing while that's going on. Don't think it stops just because you found out.
I agree with you, I tried calling her tonight but it's going straight to voicemail... and she still hasn't answered my texts. I do feel really bad that I didn't tell her right away. I can't believe I let my wife convince me not to tell her... I am such an idiot.

Keep them in the dark won't do them any good. More excuses to dodge any conflict. I've seen this played both ways. The truth in a sanitized way is always best.
What is a sanitized way? This seems like a hard thing to tell a 7 year old... What do people say? "We both love you very much, but mommy has someone else that she also cares a lot about, so mommy and daddy are going to be living in different houses now"?

Then why are you speaking with her at all? Kids or business only.
Yea, that's what I'm doing, but I was confused about the advice to ask for a timeline of the affair when step one said don't ask about the affair.
 

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Look, your kids know something is off. Kids tend to blame themselves when marriages end. They need to know. They need to know about the infidelity because it DOES impact them.

Sit them down without your wife there and tell them that married people are supposed to be faithful to each other and not have boyfriends.

Exposing is not for revenge. It is for support. And it IS your place. In fact, you are pretty much the only one whose place it is. Because it is YOUR marriage. Besides, maybe some of her moral friends can encourage her to do the right thing.

Stop trying to reason with her and be proactive. Expose, be honest with your kids, and do NOT leave your home.
 

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It's very likely the OM has told his wife some total BullS story and made you out to be a lunatic that wants to stir up trouble in their marriage. His wife doesn't want to believe he's a cheating *******, so she naturally wants to believe the story and treat you (OP) like you have the plague, which is what you're doing. If she knows, then she doesn't want to talk to you because she's ashamed or just in a bad state of mind in general and doesn't want to talk.

You listened to your wife when she told you not to tell? BAD MOVE. That's what trauma does to a person. But here's what you do. You likely won't do it.

1 Find a lawyer you trust, and get a free consultation from all the best lawyers in your area so she can't use them against you. You're divorcing, let's face it. She doesn't want to reconcile. She DOES NOT LOVE YOU. She is now ENEMY NUMBER ONE in your life. You can't see this. She still looks like your wife. She hasn't been and is not since she started banging another man.

2 Tell the OM's wife, as long as your lawyer says it's o.k. to do so. You don't have to tell the world.

3 See your doctor. If the anxiety and depression is as bad as mine was, you need some freaking help to deal with it and there's no shame in getting help.

4 Don't tell all your friends and coworkers about your story. Keep it to yourself and find one or two trusted friends or relatives and confide in them. Talk with them regularly.

5 EXERCISE. It will make you feel better, help with the depression, get your mind off things, etc.

6 Stop talking to your wife. Treat her like the black cloud she is. DO NOT talk to her except one word responses dealing with your kids.
You are correct in not wanting a "timeline" and all the details. You wouldn't get the truth from a cheater if Jesus was standing beside them watching when they claimed to tell it. The truth is not something a cheater is capable of giving.

7 Start working on a totally new future and never look back. I know you're hurting, confused, scared, betrayed... I know your emotions are all over the place. That's why you have to follow simple steps and not falter in them. You will not get over this tomorrow or next week or next month. But if you don't sit around worrying and take the above actions, your pain will not be everlasting.

We are all rooting for you to get up and get moving toward your new life.
 

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I agree with you, I tried calling her tonight but it's going straight to voicemail... and she still hasn't answered my texts. I do feel really bad that I didn't tell her right away. I can't believe I let my wife convince me not to tell her... I am such an idiot.

You were in shock. It happens. So what. You know better now.


What is a sanitized way? This seems like a hard thing to tell a 7 year old... What do people say? "We both love you very much, but mommy has someone else that she also cares a lot about, so mommy and daddy are going to be living in different houses now"?

IMO it's early I would just tell them we are having an issue.

If it goes to D then you just say mommy has a boyfriend and we can't be married anymore.

Yea, that's what I'm doing, but I was confused about the advice to ask for a timeline of the affair when step one said don't ask about the affair.
No contact will get you some clarity. There really is nothing to discuss at this time. She like most thinks she has a future with him. That's why you got nowhere.

Kids or business. I would communicate by text or email only. Civil but brief.

Upfront most just want them back. Then it will dawn on you what you're getting back. Better put some thought into this. You can't think straight if you're tied up in this.

Do not beg, plead or cry for her. No ultimatums that you are not prepared to carry out or you will just put yourself in a weakened condition.

I would not let her back at this time. That is the choice she made upfront. Her tears, crying at this time are for her only. You and the family don't matter. The affair trumps sll.

Tell his wife as soon as possible. The quicker that's out the clearer the picture will become.

I suspect her H is doing some (serious cover his ass) probably at your expense. Don't be surprised that you wife maybe helping him. They all seem to try and protect the AP. Very typical. They all do this.

Keep posting if you need more info.
 

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Is she still out of the home?

If you go online you can probably tell when this started.

Like most you only know the tip of the iceberg
 

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Well, you could have handled it better, and you could have handled it worse. Only those who have been in a similar situation can relate. I am a combat veteran thought I was tough, but discovering my FWWs unfaithfulness knock me to my knees literally.

Here is what I can tell you from personal experience:
- Exposure. If your ultimate goal is reconciliation, nothing kills an affair better than this. Email or call both of your parents, your friends, and if you want to take it to the extreme, expose on social media. I did.

- Do not ask, order her to leave the marital bedroom, and if possible, the house. She needs CONSEQUENCES.

- Consult a lawyer and know your rights as well as what you are on the hook for financially.

- Read the 180, and implement it. Wonderful tool.

- Do not speak to her, do not engage her in any fashion.

- work on yourself. Hit the gym as it does wonders for stress.

- keep a light hand on the bottle. Alcohol only makes the situation worse.

Keep in mind none of this is on you. She owns this 100%. She is in self rationalization mode from what you post as she is rewriting your marital history. Call bull**** on this.

Cheaters lie! Commit this to memory. Your threat to expose brings back memories when I Went the exposure route. Also, took our marital bed which was a family heirloom , to my farm and built a big ass bonfire, tossed it in the fire made a video took a few pictures and sent them to FWW. Got my point across.
Fake it until you make it.

You need to go scorched earth on your wife. Make her twist and squirm as much as possible.

PM me if you need advice.
 

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"As I mentioned above, although I didn't tell his wife yet, I have a feeling she now knows and confronted OM. I understand that I need to tell her, if I were in her place I would want to know.
That almost NEVER happens.

Usually they lie their ass off something like this, "Oh her husband is crazy, they were having trouble and I was just trying to give her advice, she said he has become so paranoid and is borderline abusive, and now he thinks we were having an affair for gods sake. Dont have anything to do with him until they get their crap straightened out".

So yes your halfway measure has probably hurt her more, by making it easier for him to lie.

You kids will know the full truth one day. "Our relationship was in a rough patch, and your mother chose to find another boyfriend because of it, I caught her and we seperated".

Dot let her shame or bully you.

Think abou the message you are sending when you tell them what she wants to.
 
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