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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have been together 12 years. I just discovered she was having and online affair for the past 3 months. During this time I she has become detached and things where on a downhill slide. I had thoughts something was goong on and would kind of confront her but she would deni and make light of it. I would let it go. I discovered the affair on out cell phone bill, she had hundreds of text and calls to one number. After I confronted her she admitted to it but was very hesitant to end the relationship. She said to me its over and that she would stop contacting him. I didnt find that enough and wanted her to call him and tell him it was over but she didnt want to. Two days later I finaly convinced her to call him but her never answered she ended up texting him. I also texted him asking him to stay away from her and that we have to work on our relationship. Thank good he has not contacted her, in a way i feel she wanted him too and felt their relationship was more then just talking so much.

For the first 3 days she didnt talk to me much and she wont show emotion. I have tried to be reasonable and have been calm this whole time, finally she opened up and begane to tell me things, besides the affair whitch i forgive her for, truthfully i do, because I see I drove her to it.

I used to drink alot and have since stopped drinking about a year and a half now. When I would drink I would not treat her well, I have never hit her and never will but we would fight and I would yell at her. Through our talks these past few days I have learned that I have treated the women I love more then anything so badly over the years and have turned her love for me into not hate but close to it.

I want to save what ever is left and build it back up to the love we had years ago. I also feel that over the years the fire has burned out as our children have taken priority over our own love towards each other. I see I have alot of work to do I just dont know how, I come on too strong for her now. This has opened my eyes to how much I love her and how much I need her in my life.

She says we can work on it and that we will, just goong to take along time for her to open up. We are going to a marriage counselor today in-fact.

One thing is she has never told me how bad I have been to her and that she has considered leaving me, she kept it to her selfand has alot of bottled up emotions inside.

I know I need help in ways to treat her better and value her more.

Do you think we can make it? Can she forgive me? Is it too late?
Thank you for listening and any advice would be appreciated.
 

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She cheated and you are the one in trouble here? She must be a master manipulater.

You guys won't do well if you don't locate the balls you once had. She needs consequences for her actions. But you allowed her to turn this around on you and now you believe you were the problem the whole time.

So why did she stay with you? Money? Comfort? If you were so terrible, why did she stay all that time? The honorable thing would have been for her to leave you. Instead she was using you as a safety net while getting her needs met elsewhere and neglecting you and your relationship with her. I repeat, YOU are the one in trouble here?

So the advice is if you allow her to walk all over you right after she was caught cheating, she will lose even more respect for you. Then with even less respect, is more likely to cheat again. Especially now that we have established she is already capable of cheating in the first place.

You quit drinking over a year ago. You have made big changes already. She is using that as an excuse to justify her own wrong doings. She turned it around on you and you allowed her to do so. That is on you. The cheating is on HER. Make her suffer the consequences of her actions.

Or continue to allow her to manipulate and walk all over you for the remainder of your relationship. Just don't expect her to stay faithful if you choose this option.
 
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If she sees the affair as retribution for your alcohol use, what then would she agree is fair for you to be able do for retribution for her infidelity?

Do you see the lunacy of her placing the blame on you?

"Wife, if the affair is my fault, then the girl I am about to take to the motel tonight and ravage must be your fault. Or, we can stop bull****ting each other and be accountable for our own choices without blameshifting."
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
She never said it was because of the past it just comes up, she said to me that she stopped loving me months ago after i told her things i did while i was drunk, and that she checked out from me. This guy was an online relationship only, he gave her alot of attention and listened to her, something i have not done for awhile.
 

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it sounds like both of you and i mean both of you have done damage to this marriage, so it will take both of you to rebuild it....that means you need marriage counseling...big time, you need to court her all over again and slowly and she need to work on putting her guard down, you need to be the husband and father you need to be....now there is no guarantee that either of you can get past the damage but if both of you are committed to this, and not just for the kids, then you could create a better marriage than before.
 

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She never said it was because of the past it just comes up, she said to me that she stopped loving me months ago after i told her things i did while i was drunk, and that she checked out from me. This guy was an online relationship only, he gave her alot of attention and listened to her, something i have not done for awhile.
Why didn't she leave? So she is just using you then? She fell out of "love" when she decided to seek this other relationship, then does what all people do who cheat. That is think about every wrong doing you've ever done weather it upset her or not at the time and tell themselves they've not been happy in a long time. This is a lie they tell themselves to alleviate their own guilt for having stepped outside their marriage to have their needs met by another person.

Blame shifting, revisionist history, rug sweeping... Same old crap different toilet. Your past comes up now to get the heat off of her. So she shifted the blame on you through revisionist history and you are both going to try and rug sweep the affair while fixing what is wrong with you correct?

She's either that good or you are that bad. Maybe a mixture of both.
 

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My wife and I have been together 12 years. I just discovered she was having and online affair for the past 3 months. During this time I she has become detached and things where on a downhill slide. I had thoughts something was goong on and would kind of confront her but she would deni and make light of it. I would let it go. I discovered the affair on out cell phone bill, she had hundreds of text and calls to one number. After I confronted her she admitted to it but was very hesitant to end the relationship. She said to me its over and that she would stop contacting him. I didnt find that enough and wanted her to call him and tell him it was over but she didnt want to. Two days later I finaly convinced her to call him but her never answered she ended up texting him. I also texted him asking him to stay away from her and that we have to work on our relationship. Thank good he has not contacted her, in a way i feel she wanted him too and felt their relationship was more then just talking so much.

For the first 3 days she didnt talk to me much and she wont show emotion. I have tried to be reasonable and have been calm this whole time, finally she opened up and begane to tell me things, besides the affair whitch i forgive her for, truthfully i do, because I see I drove her to it.

I used to drink alot and have since stopped drinking about a year and a half now. When I would drink I would not treat her well, I have never hit her and never will but we would fight and I would yell at her. Through our talks these past few days I have learned that I have treated the women I love more then anything so badly over the years and have turned her love for me into not hate but close to it.

I want to save what ever is left and build it back up to the love we had years ago. I also feel that over the years the fire has burned out as our children have taken priority over our own love towards each other. I see I have alot of work to do I just dont know how, I come on too strong for her now. This has opened my eyes to how much I love her and how much I need her in my life.

She says we can work on it and that we will, just goong to take along time for her to open up. We are going to a marriage counselor today in-fact.

One thing is she has never told me how bad I have been to her and that she has considered leaving me, she kept it to her selfand has alot of bottled up emotions inside.

I know I need help in ways to treat her better and value her more.

Do you think we can make it? Can she forgive me? Is it too late?
Thank you for listening and any advice would be appreciated.
Hey Lost
Congrats on your awakening!
This is the first step.
Now comes the hard part.
Now you have to learn
Your mistakes thru honest self inquiry
What type of successful relationship you want..what that means..what it is and what it is not.
How to execute that and is your wife willing to come along.
A monumental endeavour to be successful by anyone's standards.

Or you can just take The Blue Pill. (Think Morpheus not Viagra lol or not)

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk
 

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TheDudeLebowski said:
she decided to seek this other relationship, then does what all people do who cheat. That is think about every wrong doing you've ever done weather it upset her or not at the time and tell themselves they've not been happy in a long time. This is a lie they tell themselves to alleviate their own guilt for having stepped outside their marriage to have their needs met by another person.
100% truth here. Dr. Phil rightly says "...you can't change what you don't acknowledge..."

You have acknowledged your contribution to marital problems. You have had no contribution whatsoever to her affair. That is something that SHE CHOSE to do, and her choice had absolutely nothing to do with you. Her choice came from her own concupiscence and her own selfishness. She chose it because it felt good to conduct the affair.

When she acknowledges this, then there is a possibility she can change and have a successful marriage. Until she acknowledges WHY she cheated in the first place, she will NEVER have a successful marriage with anyone, not with you, not when she has had 15 "exes". Once a cheater, always a cheater. Unless the reason for cheating is acknowledged and the acknowledgement leads to "work" based on changing the internal sin which drives the cheating. When this is done, then perhaps those once a cheater may be not a cheater, going forward.

It is important to forgive her for her actions, but forgiveness cannot be because "you drove her to it". That is a false forgiveness, because in reality, you did not "drive her to it". You have to forgive her for choosing to do it all of her own accord. Then, that is a true forgiveness.

It is also important to understand that "forgiving" does not necessarily mean that you trust her anymore, nor does it mean that you reconcile your marriage to her. Both those things may be someday restored, if that is what you both want, and is what you are willing to work for.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you all so far for the comments, it helps to read what others think.

We are going to couples counciling tonight, our first session, she does have remourse and feels ashamed, so she says.
Hopefully the therapist will hit us both with hard questions and uncover the truths.

Please more advice.
 
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