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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I will try to keep this as short as possible, but I need opinions on how to procede from here...15 years married-18 together. Two kids 11& 9. I am 45 she is 43. While our marriage was never perfect it was always very good at least in my opinion. Lots of affection and I always felt loved.

Wife took a new job in January 2011. She was a in a sales support role at her company covering three offices that were far apart. Before she took the job she told me one of the office managers in the local office made her uncomfortable telling her how beautiful she was in the interview. She said at the time it was like he was hitting on her. I told her not to take the job, but after 4 months of being unemployed and having no other options she ended up taking it. She told me "you know me-I don't go for that crap" and I believed her as she always been so against infidelity to the point of it making her sick...She also would only see him 1-2 days a week.

Fast forward to November 2011. She has become distant and really crabby and nasty towards me. Distant with the kids and hardly seeing them. She is also, due to her travel, coming home late very often and going out to dinner with co-workers often. At Christmas she took off her wedding ring to stuff the turkey and told me she couldn't get it back on. (verified) In December she shaved her pubic area out of the blue. I had asked her to do this many times before and she told me it would make it too itchy. So the red flags start piling up...Weird Christmas gift from her to me-lingere. (no interest in using it though) She said the "guys at work" thought it was a great idea. Starts flipping her phone over while on the charger so the texts don't show. New sexy underwear. She lost a bunch of weight and was constantly working out etc. Looks hot. Sex life while never great declines further and she seems like she is just going through the motions. Sex life has always been an issue with us since the birth of my son in 2003. She seems to have no drive.

February comes and I notice her get a text at 10:00pm from this guy. I check later and it was deleted along with all the texts from him. I go into James Bond mode and look at the cell phone records. She has been texting him at all hours-300 messages in a two week period! So I buy a VAR and throw it under her seat and pick up a conversation between them with her talking me down to him...not good. Making fun of me about taking her away by surprise for her birthday etc. How she is going to tell me to “get the fxxk out of her house in 5-7 years” (when kids graduate HS)

So I confront her too soon about all the messages, don’t want to tip my hand about the VAR. Her reaction was "this marriage is over-there is no trust" She was really pissed I read her messages. SO I said you are right I will be pursuing divorce and kicked her out of our bedroom. At 6:00 am she crawls into be crying and telling me she loves me and wants me and our marriage. We have passionate sex and talk again the next day...More passionate sex...
My gut is still screaming at this point. One Saturday in March while backing her car out to wash it a text comes in from him on her phone that she left in her car. I pretend I am her and told him "he knows". I told him to "call me". When he did I answered and told him he was interfering in our marriage and to back the Fxxk off. He said it was all work related and he was sorry. Yeah right. Many long phone conversations on the weekend whenever I was out of the house with the kids….I was suspecting an EA at this point but my gut said PA due to underwear and shaving etc..

Things seemed to get better at this point. Texting and calling dropped way off and we seemed to be on the path to recovery. However, in April she has the opportunity to take a job in this local office working directly for this guy. I tried so hard to get her to take a different position with the company to the point of moving, but she ends up taking this job due to her company president directly asking her. I was not happy with this, but it would mean a big increase in pay etc. She takes the job and it seems to be better. No texting/calling on weekends. She is coming right home after work etc.She seems to be “in” the marriage again. She tells me they don’t get along as workers and they fight all the time etc. This is verified through her emails etc. So I figured whatever it was it seems to be over…Wrong.
July when we are on vacation I notice her checking her phone a lot. I read a bunch of emails exchanged, mostly work related but bantering back and forth. At this point I am trying really hard to get some concrete evidence. Bought several iphone deleted text recovery programs and was able to get tons of messages exchanged, but no smoking gun-just banter. There was one text from October 2011 where she tells him “miss you ”, but I think she could just twist it around to be nothing etc. She is very skilled at lying and manipulating people…it’s what she does for a living..In August she had to go on a business conference and he was there. She only would call me around 10:00pm when she was going to bed. The last night there she called me and we talked for 20 minutes until 10:50pm. She said she was in her pajamas and ready for bed. Then I saw she texted him at 10:55pm. After she returned I checked and of course it was deleted. She was also very distant and pissy towards me after the trip.
Now it is September and I am going crazy over this limbo crap. VAR has produced nothing. Conversations between them are short and all business. She has been texting again and deleting them sometimes though. I have not picked up anything incriminating with the software. I then installed a key logger on her phone, but again nothing. My thoughts are it has become an only “in person” thing. This guy seems like a pro. Yes, he is married with three kids too-scumbag. But now I found a work suit of hers that had a very suspicious stain on the back leg area. I bought a home semen test and it came out positive. Just to be sure I sent it to a lab and it just came back positive for semen and human saliva. However remote (since when we fool around she is never in a suit), there is the possibility that she dripped on it after sex with me since she is messy and her suits are sometimes on the floor between the bed and the bathroom. She has not performed oral sex on me in a long time (another issue), so it would have to be my saliva from doing her? So I ordered a DNA extraction and should get the results Friday. If they can get the DNA I then will need to send a sample of mine to compare…it takes 6-7 working days-killing me! If they can’t do you think this is enough evidence to confront again? I don’t want to go through another D-Day without solid proof-it didn’t work last time. I could bluff saying I have the DNA evidence anyway even if I don’t, but I need to “know” for myself. My plan is to get a sample DNA from his recycling bin to match if they are able to extract the DNA. (not always possible).

I have called the HR dept lady and she told me without evidence they cannot investigate. She knows them both and refuses to believe it. "He is a good family man" she says. Should I share the evidence with her? I really want this guy to be fired for violating company policy regarding relationships with subordinates. I do realize my wife could be fired too, but the way I look at it is she would need to leave this job as any condition for R anyway. That is if R is even possible at this point. I am not sure I could ever trust her again with all the lies. She would have to grovel and agree to my many conditions before I would even consider R. Also, our financial condition is bad at this time and D would mean selling house, taking kids out of private schools, selling a car, etc. Disaster, but I do have my pride and integrity and will start over if I have to.

Here is my plan after I hopefully get a DNA profile:

1. go meet with the OMW and share everything with her
2. confront WW with hard evidence
3. Expose to family and friends
4. kick WW out of the house. (will pack her **** in garbage bags and drop at her work)
5. file for D
6. Call the HR dept and give them the full story and evidence this is going on in their office

What do you think of my plan? Please let me know your advice-I could really use it!

B
 

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I am surprised you went as far as DNA testing. I think you plan is great.

1. go meet with the OMW and share everything with her

Make it a one time deal. You do not need to keep in contact after the evidence is presented.

2. confront WW with hard evidence

I would love to see her face when you show her the DNA test. Be ready for the tears and I am sorry.

3. kick WW out of the house. (will pack her **** in garbage bags and drop at her work)

It sounds like you are done.

4. file for D

I would actually file then confront her, that way when all the talking is done you can hand her the papers.

5. Call the HR dept and give them the full story and evidence this is going on in their office

I wouldn't worry about contacting the HR department. Let them work together. That way they can have a reminder everyday of what both of them were hell bent on destroying.
 

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Sounds like a good plan to me, you already know that they are having a PA, no doubt, they jsut took it underground after you confronted her about the phone records. Stay on this path.
 
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4. file for D

I would actually file then confront her, that way when all the talking is done you can hand her the papers.
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

5. Call the HR dept and give them the full story and evidence this is going on in their office

I wouldn't worry about contacting the HR department. Let them work together. That way they can have a reminder everyday of what both of them were hell bent on destroying.
This one is up to you, I would personally give all of the evidence to HR, particularly if they are using company resources (computers, phones, company time) for their affair.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
I am surprised you went as far as DNA testing. I think you plan is great.
Had to...tested panties but must be using condom
1. go meet with the OMW and share everything with her

Make it a one time deal. You do not need to keep in contact after the evidence is presented.
This is the plan, but I want to keep in contact in case we do somehow R-verify
2. confront WW with hard evidence

I would love to see her face when you show her the DNA test. Be ready for the tears and I am sorry.
I need to have a successful extraction though...do you think the positive test I have now is enough to confront?
3. kick WW out of the house. (will pack her **** in garbage bags and drop at her work)

It sounds like you are done.
If she is not remorseful and begging-yes

4. file for D

I would actually file then confront her, that way when all the talking is done you can hand her the papers.
Going to get the paperwork today...
5. Call the HR dept and give them the full story and evidence this is going on in their office

I wouldn't worry about contacting the HR department. Let them work together. That way they can have a reminder everyday of what both of them were hell bent on destroying.
I want this guy to pay a huge price
[Reply] [!!]
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Your plan of action and your actions seem good. They have probably gone inderground wih the affair. No matter if they are or are not, NC!!! Is key. After you do all your steps you can always take her back, but youll be moved on and in order for you to take her back you need the grounds set for R. Just start your plan, why live like this, she needs a wake up call, a withdrawal from this disgusting man and this gross relationship.
She is deleting texts....why? Its work related, so why?

Do not have sex with her, or talk to her, just surprise her with the D, retain a lawyer.
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the only amendment to add is that when you get confirmation that the semen isn't yours and you tell OMW. Ask her if she would like to compare her husband's DNA to the semen (she can get a hair or something from him)
 

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need to have a successful extraction though...do you think the positive test I have now is enough to confront?

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You have plenty of evidence that they are having an affair, but as long as you can make it, wait for the DNA evidence as well, this will also give you time to file the divorce papers.
 
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I would not worry about trying to get his DNA to test. If the DNA test come back as not yours, do you really care who it belongs to?

I think you can make a reasonable assumption that it belongs to the guy she is exchanging texts and message with and who travels overnight with her.
 

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I would not worry about trying to get his DNA to test. If the DNA test come back as not yours, do you really care who it belongs to?

I think you can make a reasonable assumption that it belongs to the guy she is exchanging texts and message with and who travels overnight with her.

no I am saying to offer to the OMW if she wants her own testing to confirm it's her husband to make sure the lab keeps a record of the DNA available so she can compare if she wants
 

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You are in this far, you might as well wait for the results, try to build an airtight case. As is she can weasel her way out, plausible deniability. Plus you'll need to take away any wiggle room from the HR person.
 

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no I am saying to offer to the OMW if she wants her own testing to confirm it's her husband to make sure the lab keeps a record of the DNA available so she can compare if she wants
Excellent idea. Definitely compare with the OMW if she will cooperate.

I like your plan.

The more you can put on her in one day the better.
Hand her papers. Check.
Drop clothes in garbage bags at work. Check.
Inform families about A. Check.

Then sit back and let her stew in their juices so she understands what she has done.
 

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Sorry you are here and what you are going through. Good plan but I would also expose to family and friends. She is going to try an spin it. You have to get to her parents first and the friends. You have to move fast when you expose.

Best of luck to you. Take care of yourself and your kids.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
the only amendment to add is that when you get confirmation that the semen isn't yours and you tell OMW. Ask her if she would like to compare her husband's DNA to the semen (she can get a hair or something from him)
Thought about this but she is a SAHM and most likely (if she's smart) won't want that level of evidence because I could get him fired
 

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Discussion Starter #18
You have plenty of evidence that they are having an affair, but as long as you can make it, wait for the DNA evidence as well, this will also give you time to file the divorce papers.
Yes, I know but the only hard evidence I have is the semen test and the "miss you :)" text. They work together so they do have reasons to talk/text due to business. However, why are the text being deleted...hmmm
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Sorry you are here and what you are going through. Good plan but I would also expose to family and friends. She is going to try an spin it. You have to get to her parents first and the friends. You have to move fast when you expose.

Best of luck to you. Take care of yourself and your kids.
Yes, full exposure should have been on my list as well. Her parents and sister will be the first calls I make. Next her best friend (who I think knows) as well as mutual friends of ours.

I am also considering telling co-workers of theirs as well in order to break the "secret thrill" factor for them. I do run the risk of her being so embarrassed she would never consider R. I consider this the nuclear option...


Thank you so much for your kind words. This last 8.5 months have been hell, but I managed to drop lots of weight with diet and exercise and got back to a 32 waist (from 36). I look good and have been starting to get more and more female attention. I have to believe there are plenty of available women out there that would love to have a man with integrity, confidence, and with lots of love to give to a deserving woman...
 
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