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Hi, I am in need of some help with my relationship breakdown. 2 months ago my wife found out that I had a secret online porn account. I had had it for 3 years. In the first few months I had commented on 2 photos of girls, one of them telling them what I thought of them and that I would love to "spoon" with her. I had also "liked" a couple of photos of a couple of girls. In the following months and then years I used the account to store my favourite videos. I had 31 videos in total.

Since finding all this out my wife and I have gone through a lot of pain, anger, upset and many other emotions. We have talked lots, been to see a councillor and tried to work out whether we can rebuild the trust that has been broken. We still don't know what to do and are taking each day as it comes.

Last night we were talking and my wife was saying things to try and make me angry. She needs to feel that I feel the pain she has felt, she told me that she had masturbated to pics of celebrities while I had been in the shower. She then went on to tell me how much of a crap lover I have always been, giving specifics of the things I am really bad at. I got annoyed but was trying to stay calm. This annoyed her even more and to try and hurt me more she told me she was gong to have webcam sex with someone else right then. I did get angry and we argued. During the argument she admitted to me that she had already had webcam sex with someone she met on the same porn site I had had an account on. She had signed up to the site after she had found me out and posted pics and videos on there of herself and got quite a following. She had told me about doing this at the time, she said it was more for her pleasure (as I had had my fun for 3 years) but also to hurt me. She had met a guy, they exchanged emails and then had sex together. This happened in the first couple of weeks of my wife finding me out. Some time after she told me she had done this and I hit the roof. I told her I had never had webcam sex (though she doesn't believe me) and that I saw it as very different to what I had done. She then denied it and told me she had just said it to hurt me.

I have a real problem with her having had webcam sex. I have a problem with her having already told me that she had done it, then lying to me and then telling me again.

I don't know what to do about her needing to hurt me and make me feel the pain she has felt. I fear she is just going to do worse and worse things to hurt me.

Once things has calmed down she told me that she would have webcam sex again ad not tell me. She has admitted that she would now lie to me, as she already has, and I feel like I can't trust her.
 

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Your chicken certainly came home to roost in a very big way. You shet tested your wife and now she’s shet testing you. Somebody has to stop the shet testing and lead the way out of the mess. Is that person going to be you?

Don’t “right fight” it. Don’t say this is worse than that. Don’t escalate it.


You are now in a "virtual open marriage" with no holds barred.


Ask your wife if she wishes to stay married to you and if so does she want to move on past all this and into a deeper love and happy and healthy marriage.

If her answer is no, start divorce proceedings and begin to move on.
 

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If this doesn't stop, you'll feel the need to "one-up" her, and she'll feel the same way.

Either call a truce and seek counseling or do each a favor and split up.
 

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It´s tough for us to find out that our man is getting off on something that is virtual, when he´s got a perfectly good real woman by his side. I also found that my husband had a porn account and that he actually has quite a collection. I also confronted him about it and told him how it hurt my feelings and how it was hard for me to grasp the concept that he´d perfer porn over me. I told him to try to put himself in my place, how would he feel if he know that I was doing those things while he was just in the other room??

I´m guessing your wife is feeling the same things, but definately took it to another level...she is trying to make you feel the way she does, hurt. I´m not trying to validate what she´s doing, I think it´s pretty destructive on her part, but I know where she´s coming from.

MC is definitely an option, someone needs to call a truce. You need to make her feel like she is way more important that a bunch of porn you have stashed away and she needs to stop punishing you and try to understand you. Why do guys masturbate when they have a perfectly good woman by their side? Bored? Too tired for foreplay? I read somewhere that guys masturbate just because it´s easier, that it´s natural, as long as it´s not excessive. Tell her to google it, maybe it will make her feel better and realize she´s not the only wife who´s husband was caught masturbating.
 
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