Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello to all! I have 2 girls (6 & 3) from a previous marriage which are not with me. We have been together for a total of 2 years and married for 1. I'm 31 and my wife is 29. My current wife knew this and was ok with it at the moment about my kids. She has hated my ex-wife for using the kids as a weapon against me in my divorce process and how money hungry she is. When my wife and I got together my kids where in a different state and such so everything was fine. I'm in the Military and I had choosen orders to Florida to be closer to my kids and my wife was not the most happiest because of the ex-wife. She knows that my ex-wife and I have to talk and even argue from time to time which my current wife doesn't like. She hates that i have to talk to the ex but knows she needs to deal with it and has been for most of the marriage. She is wonderful with the kids meaning she gives them baths and cloths them and gets them dinner and breakfast. Even when we are out she is very helpful with them. My kids are not the best diciplined kids and my wife hates that because she thinks my ex-wife does not dicipline them good enough and easy gets upset with my kids for how they act. I had asked one time if she loves my kids and she couldn't give me a straing answer. I asked her because I have never seen her just get up and start playing with the kids and only from time to time does she read them a book. My girls love my wife and when i asked my wife if she loves them she couldn't give me a straigt answer. One day my daughter, age 3 said "I, love you cindy" and i didnt' hear her say it back accept...."OK" which really got to me. So being in florida the last year has been up and down and now that i'm deployed it has really taken a toll. She is in school and now being alone dealing with school, work and my crazy ex-wife ...is not helping. She has just said that she doesn't know what to do and doesn't know if we can be together. She has told me in the past that she has never loved anyone like she has loved me every day that we have been together. She has not used the word "I want a divorce" because she doesn't know how she feels.... but only "I can't do this, I don't know if i can" and pretty much is driving me crazy. I can't sleep or eat and my heart rate is up and down. How can a woman who i thought was my sole mate and so deeply in love with each other go through this. I totally didn't see it coming and totally scared to lose her. She means really well and is the most amazing woman aside from this little falt of hers. A couple of times she said she has pretty much made up her mind with us not being together and I said to her tell me those words if you made up your mind....she says she can't and doesn't like to use those words and doesn't know what to do. I know she loves me and is reallys scared but its driving me crazy. Any help would be much appreciated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
the one thing she says now is that she resents me having kids with someone else and that she wanted me to just have her kids because we have talked about having kids before i left and even tried before i left. she has tried to deal with it to the best of her abilities but doesn't know if she can handle it now
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,546 Posts
Being a step parent can be hard. It is normal not to bond with them like your own bio children.

That said, you need to put your foot down about this and set some good boundaries with everyone.


With your wife, make sure she understands that if she wants to be with you, that kids are part of that package. Let her know that no honourable man would desert his children, that you won't do it to any children you two have together, and you won't desert the children you allready have. Make sure she understands that, that part is non negotiable.

With regards to discipline. Your children have been through a lot. It sounds like you are in and out of their life, and it must be very tough on them.

Discipline must be consistant, and come from you, not her. Do some research with your wife into what is normal behaviour for your girls age, and appropriate ways to react to those behaviours. Do not overreact. It can also be hard for those who have never had children, to understand what is normal for each age group, and many people without children can be the harshest critics.

Set up some good boundaries and limits for your house and stick to them. Do not be a push over but do not be totally inflexible, and realise that the needs of little people can change each day. Also know that children are just like adults, and they get tired stressed and overwhelmed just like we do, and it's unreasonable to never expect them to get upset.

As for your ex wife. Think about how you deal with her, are you really putting your childrens needs high on your priority list. Think about if what you are doing is fair and good for your girls. If you are having trouble communicating, limit communication to emails and texts, and keep it to the point.

Also make it clear to your wife that she cannot threaten divorce to get her own way, and if she alludes to divorce or threatens it again, make sure she knows you will divorce her. It is not fair to dangle that over your head.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,292 Posts
This is a great example of how rushing into blending families is fraught with danger. Way too soon to be getting married especially to a woman that does not have kids or an understanding of life after divorce with kids.

You guys need to get some MC urgently.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,370 Posts
You plan to have children with a woman who wants you to cut off your 2 small children? I would rethink this.

I think your first responsibility is to your children. You moved away geographically for some reason and married. You may not have been clear with your new bride that you came as a package deal.

You came with 2 kids that you are responsible to raise and support for the next 17 yrs and an ex with whom you have to coparent.

Did you talk about this before marriage? She accepted it all when she married you I assume.

Don't have more kids now, please don't walk out on your children and don't deny them support. Remind your wife that this is who she married and that will not change.

You are between a rock and a hard place. You may not have carefully considered that getting into a serious relationship when your life was complicated by a recent divorce and coparenting was unwise. you needed to concentrate on being a father to your kids and establishing a good working relationship with your ex. Another consideration is that it will take a special woman to take on step parenting for 17 or more years.

I see 3 solutions, make your wife happy and cut off contact with your kids, try to work it out with MC with goal of helping her accept parenting your kids, and sharing finacial resources with them or divorce.

It is up to you to clear out this mess for the sake of your kids and to help your wife move on if that what she wants.
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top