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Discussion Starter #1
I need help with what to do in my marriage. I am 29 male married to my wife for 3 years and no kids. I can honestly say that my wife is the laziest person I know. I do everything in our marriage and in our lives.

I work 40+ hours a week, cook dinner, clean up dinner, clean the house, take care of the dog she insisted on having, take care of the house, pay the bills, do the laundry, yard work, etc. You name it, I am the one that has to do it.

Also, my wife never got her driver's license and even though she promised to get it once we got married, there has not been a single attempt. I have to drive everywhere and even take off work to get her to appointments etc.

On top of things, my wife was fired from her corporate job and decide to take a minimum wage job at a bakery. Not only did her time without a paycheck drain our savings, her new job does not pay much at all and we are living way beyond our means.

I have tried everything to get her to help out around the house, but nothing works. I have tried being polite, yelling, calmly discussing how it is affecting me, etc. I even created a list of everything I wanted to accomplish during the week and circled some things that were really easy she could help with and it did not change anything. I can't tell you how many times she sits on the couch and watches TV while I am cleaning all around her.

I have really noticed it taking a hit on my health too. The last few months I have noticed a trend. For 2-3 weeks I am on top of things, energized and can handle the load. The last week in the month, I am grumpy, tired, don't work out and eat terrible (I am also trying to loose weight). I know it is because I get so stressed out over time about this.

The thought of a divorce kills me inside, but what else can I do? I am at an age where I would love to have children, but I can't bare myself to bring it into this world. I am pretty much doing things around the house and working from 5:30 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. I would never get to see our children!

Any help / advice would be greatly appreciated.
 

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Hi there - sorry for your situation, I really feel for you!

About the best advice I could give you is to buy and read the book, "Hold on to your N.U.T.s"

If you don't mind me saying, your behavior bears many of the hallmarks of codependency.

You take time off to drive your wife so she doesn't miss appointments, for example. You are protecting her from experiencing how hard life is without a DL so she never has to face the reality of her choices. And doing this is compromising who you are and making you angry and frustrated (so it seems to me).

I'm not saying the book has all the answers or that I or anyone else on here does - but it has helped me in my marriage tremendously.

Best of luck!
 

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BTW - you may want to head on over to the men's clubhouse and start to read some of the sticky posts etc. The good news is that you are a long way away from divorce. You can work on you and your marriage - it's not too late :)
 

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What you are doing is not working, so you can't keep doing it and expect anything to change.

Stop doing some of the things that you do - stop driving her around and for pete's sake, don't ever take time off work to do it! Stop doing her laundry; just do yours. Grocery shop for yourself only, and cook for yourself, not her. Don't clean up her messes.

When she starts to get upset, pay no mind. Just keep repeating that you cannot do everything yourself for the both of you, so you are only doing what you can manage.

She needs to grow up and take some responsibility for your home and marital well-being. If she doesn't, I don't see why you would want to stay married to her.
 

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Sure you can work on your marriage!
When I first got married I was pregnant for about 3 years straight (one baby after another, back to back) and I was exhausted, in pain and experiencing a wide array of ailments after each kid.
I was also lazy to be honest. I never felt like doing anything! It turns out, I have lupus. I was recently diagnosed with it after losing a good amount of my hair. I got treatment and even my psychological problems have lessened (at one time my husband committed me to a mental hospital)
It all revolved around the disease. My disease was robbing my life. However I have learned that if I had just gotten up and got my a$$ moving that things would not have been SO bad.
After getting treatment I now do a good bit of the work around the house while he works. I am working on being the cook around here. It took years and alot of fighting for me to realize that the man I loved was doing everything in his power to show me how much he loved me while I seemed to ignore his needs.

You need marriage counseling big time. She may love you just as much as you love her but she isn't showing it. By default, she isn't keeping her half of marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Ya. I tried the laundry thing for a while and it did not phase her. She has two rooms worth of clothes and literally like 100 pairs of underwear so i didnt prove anything. Maybe I will try only doing my end of some of these things. We grocery shop together, but it is still annoying that I always have to be there. Sometimes I have other things I need to do.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Sure you can work on your marriage!
When I first got married I was pregnant for about 3 years straight (one baby after another, back to back) and I was exhausted, in pain and experiencing a wide array of ailments after each kid.
I was also lazy to be honest. I never felt like doing anything! It turns out, I have lupus. I was recently diagnosed with it after losing a good amount of my hair. I got treatment and even my psychological problems have lessened (at one time my husband committed me to a mental hospital)
It all revolved around the disease. My disease was robbing my life. However I have learned that if I had just gotten up and got my a$$ moving that things would not have been SO bad.
After getting treatment I now do a good bit of the work around the house while he works. I am working on being the cook around here. It took years and alot of fighting for me to realize that the man I loved was doing everything in his power to show me how much he loved me while I seemed to ignore his needs.

You need marriage counseling big time. She may love you just as much as you love her but she isn't showing it. By default, she isn't keeping her half of marriage.
Thanks for the advice, one of your last sentences really hit home. "The man that I loved was doing everything in his power to show me how much he loved me while I seemed to ignore his needs."

That is exactly how I feel. Even though I have tried everything to make her realize that, she completely ignores it.

Yes, if I make a big fuss she will wash the dishes once a week and twice a month make a meal. After about a week of very minimal helping, she is right back to doing nothing.
 

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Yes, if I make a big fuss she will wash the dishes once a week and twice a month make a meal. After about a week of very minimal helping, she is right back to doing nothing.
Tis would annoy me to no end.

I once had a roommate that didn't do jack sh*t. It's maddening.

What's going to happen if this keeps up is you are goin to end u[ resenting her. Once the resentment seeps in, you will lose respect for her. Once you lose respect, love.

Again, it comes down to whether she will meet you halfway. STOP being at her beck and call. I would NOT AT ALL ever take work off to chaperone/drive her around when she has her own license. Tell her "You need to drive yourself because I have to work."



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Discussion Starter #11
Im pretty sure the resentment has already begun. This has been going on since we purchased our house 2 years ago.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
She was diagnosed with anxiety years ago and since has very little trouble with it. I am actually very proud of where she is now compared to how it used to be on that front.

I always thought her laziness could be a product of being an only child.
 

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Does your wife suffer from depression. Her lack of motivation may be emotional and medication may help. Otherwise I would give her an ultimatum. A trial separation so she knows how serioius you are and that you need her help.
 
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