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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone. I recently posted about how my wife has treated me over the course of our marriage and before. However, I would like to concentrate on one particular point in this post. This is specifically to all of you women, but I wouldn't mind a man's input as well.

My wife has withheld sex for over 2 years. She shrinks back when I try to touch her, never wants to talk to me about our sex life, or intimacy, and never wants to snuggle or be close. She dresses in clothes that must be a decade old and ragged, yet dresses very nicely for work.

My question is: Is it mostly true that if your wife isn't having sex with you, then she probably is with someone else barring of course a thyroid, estrogen, etc. problem (which she doesn't have by the way.)??

I need this advice since I am going to start checking her e-mails, phone calls, etc. since I am considering divorce. If she is cheating, this needs to come out in the divorce hearing. So ladies, what is your prognosis?

Do you think she is cheating on me or not?
 

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I think she COULD be cheating, but I think she DOES NOT want to have sex with you.

Based on your other thread, where you mention she's essentially waiting for you to die, yes, I think she very well could have cheated and wants to again.
 

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Hello everyone. I recently posted about how my wife has treated me over the course of our marriage and before. However, I would like to concentrate on one particular point in this post. This is specifically to all of you women, but I wouldn't mind a man's input as well.

My wife has withheld sex for over 2 years. She shrinks back when I try to touch her, never wants to talk to me about our sex life, or intimacy, and never wants to snuggle or be close. She dresses in clothes that must be a decade old and ragged, yet dresses very nicely for work.

My question is: Is it mostly true that if your wife isn't having sex with you, then she probably is with someone else barring of course a thyroid, estrogen, etc. problem (which she doesn't have by the way.)??

I need this advice since I am going to start checking her e-mails, phone calls, etc. since I am considering divorce. If she is cheating, this needs to come out in the divorce hearing. So ladies, what is your prognosis?

Do you think she is cheating on me or not?
I am a women who in the past didn't want to have sex with my husband, and I didn't. My situation may be a little different from yours though. NO not ALL women who with hold are out cheating. For me, I didn't feel loved, or close to my husband. He has a alcoholic who had damaged me more than I already was. It was very hard for me to put aside my hurt and resentment to give him a part of me that I felt was sacred and where we needed a shared emotional bond, we did not have that. I was not going to keep laying down with a man who hurt me and continued to do so. He could either get help or we could divorce bottom line.

He has since gotten help and we have been on the road to recovery. Things are better, not great but better. At least I feel closer to him now. Also there are women who have hormonal issues that can lower the sex drive etc.

I think you might be jumping the gun here, you say you're ready for divorce if shes cheating. Well, make sure you rule out other things as well. Also you say she dresses ragged at home but dresses nice when shes at work, well so do I. It means nothing other than my job requires me to look decent and at home I can look like a slob if I choose. Also SOME people could be cheating if they are not having sex with you, but some people can still cheat who are having tons of sex too! Food for thought.

Are there other indications you think she might be cheating?
 

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This story appears to be so common that i am starting to believe that marraige sucks in general. Its hard to tell if she is cheating but it does make sense. I find it hard to believe that women in this situation simply do not want sex with the person they are married to, sounds suspiscious unless there is more to the story. How is your relationship other than sex.
 

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She's not cheating she was like this BEFORE you married her.
Good point, one I made in his other thread and should have carried over to here. While she could be cheating, as she has zero emotional attachment to you it seems, she very well could be asexual, bisexual, homosexual or just plain not interested in you but interested in someone else.

Considering your health concerns, I'm not sure what the benefit is to you to catch her cheating, unless you live in an at fault satate/province, which would benefit you in terms of getting a divorce or denying her access to assets from the marriage.
 
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Maybe she's not having an affair-she maybe simply doesn't want to have sex, or maybe she has intimacy issues.
Most people on TAM are very quick to scream "CHEATER", and I must admit, I would too, because the withholding of sex is considered a "red flag".

Look at other ways she behaves. Does she:

Constantly criticize you
Put you down
Name-call
Go out evenings with GFs frequently, while you stay home
Stay out at night til 3a.m.
"Hide" her cell phone
Take said cell phone with her EVERYWHERE (including the bathroom)
Go into other rooms and close the door when she gets calls
Stay late at work frequently
Stay on FB til all hours
Have male friends
Keep in contact with ex-BFs
Get very defensive if you ask where she is, going, has been
Refer to all of your possessions as "hers"
Hurriedly close the web page she is on when she hears you coming?
 

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Good point, one I made in his other thread and should have carried over to here. While she could be cheating, as she has zero emotional attachment to you it seems, she very well could be asexual, bisexual, homosexual or just plain not interested in you but interested in someone else. .
She was a party girl. Did lots of things with OTHER men just not her husband. Not while dating and not while married. She swore it would be different after they got married - it wasn't it got worse WAY WORSE.
 

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NOT all people who withhold sex are cheating. Yes, it does mean some could, but no not all.

There could be other things going on as well. Medical or mental issues? Does she harbor anger or resentment towards you for any reason? Not in love with you? Has she been abused in any way?

Number of things could be going on with her. Lack of sex does not always = cheating. It might be time for some MC, does that sound like an option? How old are you both?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
"Maybe she's not having an affair-she maybe simply doesn't want to have sex, or maybe she has intimacy issues.
Most people on TAM are very quick to scream "CHEATER", and I must admit, I would to, because the withholding of sex is considered a "red flag".

Look at other ways she behaves. Does she:

Constantly criticize you
Put you down
Name-call
Go out evenings with GFs frequently, while you stay home
Stay out at night til 3a.m.
"Hide" her cell phone
Take said cell phone with her EVERYWHERE (including the bathroom)
Stay late at work frequently
Stay on FB til all hours
Have male friends
Keep in contact with ex-BFs
Get very defensive if you ask where she is, going, has been
Refer to all of your possessions as "hers"
Hurriedly close the web page she is on when she hears you coming/ "
===================================================

As for my health to Kingsfan, we have property and many possessions together and I don't want those going to her. If I die without me proving she is cheating on me, they will go to her.

As for the above poster, yes she is secretive. She does keep a tight hold on her cell phone, as well as her e-mail. She left her e-mail open one time recently and I did see several e-mails to a co-worker discussing things that were a little beyond work conversations.

Not necessarily sexual conversations, but in some ways intimate conversations asking (with evident concern) how each other were doing, what was going on each and every day, etc. Something in my opinion that either a two girls would do, or something that a girl would share with her boyfriend or husband.

She does put me down at times, and does manipulate me to no end. She MUST be in control or she manufactures an argument so as to take back control.

She does get VERY defensive if I ask where she has been, or if I have ever came right out and asked her if she has been cheating on me. As for her Ipad and computer, they are always turned off, password protected, etc.

And in regards to her calling our stuff hers, her parents call everything we have hers. They never refer to our Farm, Park, home or anything as mine and hers, but only hers.
 

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There is a possibility that she is cheating but here dressing in old rags at home and nice for work does not in and of itself mean that she's cheating.

I don't know whta she does, but surely dressing in old rags for work would not go over well at work.

She's obviously tryng to avoid giving you the impression that she wants anything to do with sex as home.
 

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As for my health to Kingsfan, we have property and many possessions together and I don't want those going to her. If I die without me proving she is cheating on me, they will go to her.
Considering your health woes, I hope you don't carry on the investigation to long. If you don't find something in the next few months, just go get a divorce. At least that way she'll only get half of everything.

Also, if you do get access to her e-mails, phone, etc. in the future, print off everything that looks suspicious. Get as much info as possible.

I think you should head over to the Coping With Infidelity section, they have lots of ideas on how to catch a cheating spouse.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
As for her not being into sex, she was extremely into sex before I met her. As for medical problems, there is none. She just went to the doctor for vaginal checkup, etc. Her estrogen levels are fine, as well.

She was not abused and has no mental disorders or problems either. As for how I've treated her, I treated her like a princess for so very long. I still to this day find myself treating her better than I should. I just gave her a very nice ring the other day to celebrate a milestone in our relationship.

We have been married as many days as we have been a couple as of January 31, 2013. I took her out, gave her a nice letter and the ring in a gift bag at the restaurant. I also bought her more things after we left. Of course this didn't motivate her to be intimate with me in any way since then or before for that matter.

If you ask anyone of her friends, or family or mine for that matter, they will tell you I treat her very well, and most of her friends are jealous of just how well I treat her. Sorry to seem as though I were bragging. I just wanted to show everyone how I do treat her.

And as for dressing well for work, she doesn't have to. She is her own boss. She works at a University and sets her own hours and class times for each semester. Everyone of her colleagues besides one dresses very sloppily. She didn't always dress so nicely for work either.

I think I've covered everything. I realize some people and especially some women would be okay without sex for some time, but my wife was very wild before I met her sexually and she did things that would make most girls blush giving blow jobs to one of her boyfriends on the back of a school bus for instance, having sex in the woods, getting fingered in public, etc. (sorry if too graphic).

So sex or the lack of the desire of sex isn't a problem for her. It just seems I'm undesirable to her. Of course no one MADE her marry me much less made her PROMISE me that things would improve after marriage.
 

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Maybe she has emotional problems and it has nothing to do with you such as depression?

Or maybe she's no longer attracted to you, have you kept yourself in shape or have you gotten heavy?

Yes it's possible she's got someone on the side and there are ways to find out if that's the case.

Yes your story is a common one, happens all the time in long term relationships problem with marriage is that you can't just break up over it.
 

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Seems you treat her well with materialistic things..how about emotionally? Maybe its not gifts she wants.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I've always tried to consider her emotional needs before mine, at least for the last 16 to 17 or the last 18 years and I've ALWAYS met all of her sexual needs. Please refer to my post Cruel unfeeling wife.

After we first met, I gladly gave to her oral sex or anything else she wanted while she withheld from me time and time again. My needs were never important, but I always gave to her what she desired. I suppose in my case, you could say I gave too much and let her take me for granted.

I just loved her so much.
 

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If you could go back to the day you married her, would you say 'I do' again?

If not, get out.
 
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If you check up on things to see if she is cheating, what will be your next move if you come up empty handed? What if, in fact she is not cheating, then what?

Is there anything else at all that you can think of that might be causing her lack of interest in sex?

Also keep this in mind, I'm sure you are aware of it. Sometimes, people change, period. People are not always who they may have been years ago. Sometimes peoples views change, the way they feel about others change etc. She just may be at a totally different place in her life right now than she was years ago. I'm saying that is an excuse for the lack of sex, BUT it obviously isn't on her top priority list right now, doesn't always mean someones cheating.
 
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