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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Would appreciate any advice on this situation.

Married to my wife for 10 years, have a 5-yr old son. I thought our relationship was good... we had occasional fights, but no problem on the sex life front. I was working a lot, and not an attentive husband. I didn't make time for dates and talking. I take responsibility for that.

3 months ago she gets distant, tells me she's not happy. She turns ice cold torwards me. She starts staying over at her friends house most nights a week. I'm basically left at home taking care of our son by myself, not sleeping or eating due to stress of the situation. I start working on all the things she complained about: listening, spending time, etc. Finally, one month ago I figure out she's been texting, talking to, and seeing another guy. Sounds like it was an emotional affair, with several kisses. She said they'd told each other "i love you".

When confronted, she agrees to stop the contact with this guy. In the last month, I believe she's been very good about that. She says she would like nothing more to be in love with me again, but she has no feelings for me. So she fell out of love with me, then started a new relationship with this other guy. She says she realizes this her feelings for this other guy are not reality-based. But now she's just depressed She feels shame over getting caught cheating and the fact that a lot of her friends know about it. She's still ice cold to me, she's depressed, has withdrawn from a lot of her friends. She used to be the greatest mother in the world to my son, but she's a fraction of that now. It's like she just doesn't care about anything.

She's still in the house, and I've been the perfect husband for the last few months. I realize I've been too nice and trying too hard with her, which just makes me look weak. So I'm starting to just do the 180-ish type stuff and work on my own life. I would do anything to keep the marriage together for the sake of my son alone. I still love my wife, but there's not much left to love - she's a depressed, selfish person now instead of the loving, caring person I fell in love with. When I talk to her, all she brings up is something neglectful I did 3 or 4 years ago, rather than the nice thing I just did.

She's a stay at home mom, so she doesn't work, and spends her days going to the gym and shopping. She realizes and appreciates the lifestyle I provide for her, and that she'll have to give it up if we divorce. I think that is part of the reason she's still in the house.

Advice? What are my odds here? Is this thing dead and I'm wasting my time?

And what is my best move at this point? Wait for her to come to some conclusion? Do I file for divorce? Do I not file, but let her move out?
 

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Honestly, man...she goes to the gym and shopping.

And when the chips are down she spends the night with her "friend" while she's having an affair with someone cuz she doesn't love you anymore.

Ummm...best move at this point is to take away her financial support and force her to get a job and understand that reality f'ng sucks sometimes. File the paperwork for divorce and ask her to leave. Hell...she's already left before.

Sorry you're going through this, man...and I hate to come off crass, but I just cannot STAND this idea of a woman living large off her husband and f'ng around on him all at the same time.

Cake. Eater. Supreme.
 

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You can't cut off her money and throw her out, that's caled abandonment. If she's talking about moving out then you have to go see an attorney.
But have you tried MC. You say she's depressed, is she getting treatment? Do you want to work on R? Then she needs to agree to complete transparency. MC could help if that's what you want. Don't do this alone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
She's been to IC. I don't believe it helped much. I think she just talked about all the reasons she fell out of love with me in the first place, so it just made her angrier.

I've suggested MC, but she doesn't seem open to it.

She's been transparent - I can see her phone and emails.
 

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My advice is the affair might still be going on. at a minimum she's still keeping the OM alive in her head.


Look for other ways she is contacting him.

Find the OM, find out all about him. Is he married? How did they meet? how did they contact each other.

Are you sure she went to the friends?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks. I believe her 100% when she says she was at her girlfriend's house. That OM did visit there occasionally while she was there, and that was where they talked and kissed. He's a 40yr divorced father of a 9yr old. He was a friend of my wife's girlfriend. I've never met him. I'm definitely keeping a close eye on things, though.

I do believe she still thinks about him though as you suggest.

I think a lot of her depression now is due to the ending of the emotional affair.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I have not read those, I'll look into those. She still sees her girlfriend a lot. If she really wanted to contact him, she could use her girlfriend's phone.

That you know of. Burner phones and secret emails are very common for cheaters.

Your wife's behavior is a little extreme for just a short EA.

Have the two of your read Not Just Friends?

Have you yourself read Married Man's Sex Life Primer
 

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She has little to no real fear of losing you.

She should, otherwise she'll never snap out of it.

You sound a lot like me, trying to nice my WW out of an EA. It doesn't work.

Assume that she does not love you anymore for real and act on that. You do not want to be emotionally attached to someone who does not love (respect) you, so prepare for that and act accordingly. If she is just all fogged up she may turn around, but only under the real threat of loss. This means work on yourself and detach. You need to.

Oh, and, it's a PA.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks. Yes, I'm done being a doormat.

You're right - it was a PA. And if I hadn't caught it, I have no doubts it would've gone much further.

Is working on myself sufficient to detach? Or do I file? Or ask her to move out?

I have a feeling if she moves out, she'll go running to the OM.

She has little to no real fear of losing you.

She should, otherwise she'll never snap out of it.

You sound a lot like me, trying to nice my WW out of an EA. It doesn't work.

Assume that she does not love you anymore for real and act on that. You do not want to be emotionally attached to someone who does not love (respect) you, so prepare for that and act accordingly. If she is just all fogged up she may turn around, but only under the real threat of loss. This means work on yourself and detach. You need to.

Oh, and, it's a PA.
 

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The reason these forums provide useful advice for those willing to listen to it is because it comes from third party observers, many with experience who are not in the midst of the crisis so they can see things more clearly then the person posting their story.

It's obvious from what you have written that you are in the fog of the betrayed spouse (BS). If you do nothing else, try to lose those "protective but counterproductive" walls of denial that are shielding you from pain but also from the obvious truths.

She starts staying over at her friends house most nights a week.
You'd like to believe she was at her friends house most nights of the week, but -and please correct me if I'm mistaken- you really have no way of knowing that's where she was, do you? You are basing her being at her friends house on two things 1- her telling you she was there and 2- you wanting to believe she was there and not at the other man's (OM) house.

Finally, one month ago I figure out she's been texting, talking to, and seeing another guy. Sounds like it was an emotional affair, with several kisses. She said they'd told each other "i love you".
It's not an emotional affair, it's a physical affair. She's kissing him and most likely screwing him as well. Generally speaking, it's most likely an EA if they're not in physical contact with one another, usually because it's a long distance affair. In this case they have been together, in the same place, alone in the same house, multiple times and they have at the very least, kissed. Cmon man, be honest with yourself, do you think it just stopped at a kiss?

When confronted, she agrees to stop the contact with this guy.
She kept the truth from you until confronted. She has lied to you. She cannot be trusted at her word. That means when she tells you things, you cannot believe them.

She's a stay at home mom, so she doesn't work, and spends her days going to the gym and shopping.
Again, she tells you she spends her days at the gym and shopping. Have you done anything to verify this or are you just taking her at her word. We know what her word is worth. If nothing else besides being honest with yourself, start tracking her whereabouts.

I've suggested MC, but she doesn't seem open to it.
What does this even mean? She doesn't "seem" open to it. Do you talk to each other? Do you say "we must go to MC to fix this" or do you just weakly say "I wonder how you would possibly feel about going to MC" and you sort of judge the response on her face as noncommital and seemingly disinterested? Cmon man step up to the plate and demand she go with you to MC to fix things or else you're outta here!

She's been transparent - I can see her phone and emails.
People often have two phones and emails are a dime a dozen. Don't fool yourself, you aren't seeing the whole picture here.

Thanks. I believe her 100% when she says she was at her girlfriend's house.
You believe her because you want to believe her. She is a proven liar, and she has every reason to continue to lie. She's depressed because she misses her affair partner, the urge to see him again will be high, odds are she will give in to that urge. You blindly believing her despite overwhelming odds to the contrary.. think of an ostrich with it's head in the sand.

That OM did visit there occasionally while she was there, and that was where they talked and kissed.
Ok, so maybe she IS at her girlfriends house. So what, she's using it as a place to mess around with the other guy. Again, pull your head out of the sand, and as painful as it may be, picture her and the other guy who she is in love with, alone in the house, sitting there and talking and kissing. Do you REALLY think it stopped there?

I think a lot of her depression now is due to the ending of the emotional affair.
You got that right. She'll do anything to feel better, other than coming to you of course.

Sorry to be so blunt and direct but you are setting yourself up for a fall.

EDITED TO ADD

I see you posted as I was writing my post and you are in fact realizing the truth of the situation and you're looking for the next step.

Yes if she moves out she'll run to the OM. But the truth is she's already with him.

If she's refusing MC then I suggest you do ask her to leave, that will give you leverage in the inevitable divorce. There are many on this site who will give you all sorts of advice to try to expose the affair, and snap her out of the "affair fog" so she'll come back to you, I'm not a big fan of all that but if you choose that route, good luck.
 

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Thanks. Yes, I'm done being a doormat.

You're right - it was a PA. And if I hadn't caught it, I have no doubts it would've gone much further.

Is working on myself sufficient to detach? Or do I file? Or ask her to move out?

I have a feeling if she moves out, she'll go running to the OM.
Filing and asking her to move out may be part of working on yourself.

If you think she'll run to OM you should buy her ticket. Sorry, I know that sucks, but you don't deserve to live under that threat.

Marriage is not a love affair. A love affair is a totally different thing. A marriage is a commitment to that which you are. That person is literally your other half. And you and the other are one. A love affair isn’t that. That is a relationship of pleasure, and when it gets to be unpleasurable , it’s off. But a marriage is a life commitment, and a life commitment means the prime concern of your life. If marriage is not the prime concern, you are not married.
 
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Wreckdown, this isn't going to be easy, but you have to toughen up. Only severe consequences will work to save your marriage, which, since it went physical, maybe you don't want to save it.

Anyway, filing for divorce looks like the only option. It's too bad the predator is divorced. It would work better if he were married. If she runs to him, well, that's a chance you'll have to take. He might not want her and only looks at her as someone to have fun with. She has a lot to lose and divorce might wake her up. And actually file, don't just say you're going to do it. You can always stop the divorce sometime later.
 

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And your mindset should be, "I won't be married to a woman who brings a third person into my marriage. There are many good women out there who would love me and never cheat on me."

She needs to know that you're ready to move on and have no fear to do it!

Edit: Also buy some cool clothes and maybe get a new haircut. Something different. Start a weightlifting routine. Work on yourself, make her wonder what you're up to. If it doesn't work out with her, you'll be well-prepared for someone else.
 

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Let's back up brother...

First, your attitude is pretty good. Your in the quicksand. The harder your trying, the faster your marriage is sinking. Recognizing that you appear pathetic and needy and that's actually hurting your chances of reconcilitation is a great first step. It's also great that your aware of what the 180* is and your trying to follow it. Keep that up. That's going to be the baseline for everything.

Before we go into details... I have to ask you two questions, try to give an honest answers...

1. Your wife's affair is physical, they have had sex. There is little to no doubt that this happened. Everything is much worse than you think as far as the intensity of her affair, the duration and the deceit. Is that a deal breaker?

2. In order to save this marriage, you MUST be willing to walk away from it. This is not something you get inspired to do and follow through with for a day, a week or a month. This is a long path your about to start walking, it will take amazing strentgh and resolve. Can you draw lines in the sand and are you prepared to walk away from this?

Dig deep and be honest with yourself, can you overcome this?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Good question. I don't think if they had sex it would change my position at this point. Assuming it's over.

I have my reasons for believing they didn't, and maybe I'm wrong, but that's not a deal breaker for me.

Let's back up brother...

First, your attitude is pretty good. Your in the quicksand. The harder your trying, the faster your marriage is sinking. Recognizing that you appear pathetic and needy and that's actually hurting your chances of reconcilitation is a great first step. It's also great that your aware of what the 180* is and your trying to follow it. Keep that up. That's going to be the baseline for everything.

Before we go into details... I have to ask you a question, try to give an honest answer...

Your wife's affair is physical, they have had sex. There is little to no doubt that this happened. Everything is much worse than you think as far as the intensity of her affair, the duration and the deceit. Is that a deal breaker?

Dig deep and be honest with yourself, can you overcome this?

2.
 
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