Hi. My story is long so I will try to keep it as short as possible. I have been married a year now and have known my husband almost 6 years. We are from different cultures and that, where I come from, usually creates problems in relationships. I didn't think ours would because I am very open minded and flexible and I never got that from him either while we were dating. My husband is also rather old fashioned and not so flexible when it comes to development and growth of his opinion, thoughts and such. He is pretty much set on his morals, lifestyle and everything else.
We have been in love since the first time we met. I love him very much and I know he loves me. He is a great guy, has a lot of good traits that I love and appreciate.
Root of our problems is that we are so different in opinions, thoughts and life dreams and goals and the fact that he is old fashioned, which is nice in small doses but when it turns into controlling and manipulating, it's a big problem. YES! The little stuff turned into manipulating each other and controlling. We are also both jealous, very stupid I know and I can't even explain it to myself sometimes because I was never like that. I think that's because we are both insecure and afraid and he is not a small and sweet talk guy. He is kind of "rough" on the edges, very proud and says a little but means a lot. And us girls need small talk. I do at least! So our jealousy, controlling and lack of communication built up from small to the point where I can't stand it anymore and we fight every day if not every. I will check on him call him constantly, get mad when he doesn't pick up. he will time me and yell and even swear and attack me imediately if I am late coming home or if he thinks I talked to someone. This sounds really bad and it is but the thing is when it's good, IT'S REALLY GOOD. I don't even know how we let it get this far! And we know exactly what the problems are. He doesn't see women equal to men and I never felt being mistreated before so I didn't even know that! He will not do any of the "women duties" cleaning and cooking or helping around the house. That's the old fashion and different culture(very strict and kind of primitive about these things). He did try. He tries but it's so small and he would complain if I ask him to do something differently. He will cook but make such a mess in the kitchen and he won't clean up. Then I feel like it's better that he didn't cook at all! He will mop the floors or vacuum but when I tell him he missed a spot(or three) he will give me a lip. I have a full time job, huge apartment to clean and take care of "house things". I cook and take care of bills. He brings in money. pretty good money and he is a great provider. He owns a company so his schedule is very flexible. To him, being a good provider, taking care of the "men things" is enough. I want to have family but I am afraid! If he is like this now, what would happen if kids came! He can't see himself even picking up a child in his arms until it's strong and grown a little bit(he really wouldn't i saw him with other kids...) or helping in other way with it. everything would be on me, and I can't only keep it up for so long!
All this I guess I could live with, because we love each other and we both are trying and when we give it a break from fighting, we are so great!
When we go out, it mostly ends up in a fight because we are jealous and so we will accuse each other of looking at another. I know all this could be fixed with good communication but we are really bad at it. It's like we speak 2 different languages. It feels like we are always talking in circles and get nowhere. He also complains of my lack of passion in bed but that's because I am hurting inside. My mind is fried. I can't concentrate on that, even though I have no complains in that department! on the contrary! But when I try to explain him this, he doesn't get it!
My biggest thing is that I can't be myself around him(this wasn't so much when we dated). I have open and friendly personality. That bothers him a lot. He takes that as flirting. I feel like I lost myself in this relationship. I want to get it back, but I don't want to lose him. I sort of let myself suffer and tough it through. Thinking that nobody is perfect and I couldn't imagine loving anyone like him, that I have to sacrifice in some way.
We are both suffucating and we both love each other and we try. We went through a lot together and I am glad I know this great passion and love!
But it also feels very wrong. He verbally abused me before as I have him, but never as much and never first. We tried staying apart when we dated, twice but that didn't work. I moved out temporarily just to give each other some space. I don't know what to do. I always thought marrying him was a mistake that we are not for each other, but I always knew I would marry him. I am miserable, tired, confused, don't know what to do. My friends and family went through this with me, supporting and helping. Now I don't want to bother anyone they all their problems. So I don't talk to anyone about this.
I was hoping that writing this might give me something...help me in some way.
thank you so much for reading this and for your thoughts.
We have been in love since the first time we met. I love him very much and I know he loves me. He is a great guy, has a lot of good traits that I love and appreciate.
Root of our problems is that we are so different in opinions, thoughts and life dreams and goals and the fact that he is old fashioned, which is nice in small doses but when it turns into controlling and manipulating, it's a big problem. YES! The little stuff turned into manipulating each other and controlling. We are also both jealous, very stupid I know and I can't even explain it to myself sometimes because I was never like that. I think that's because we are both insecure and afraid and he is not a small and sweet talk guy. He is kind of "rough" on the edges, very proud and says a little but means a lot. And us girls need small talk. I do at least! So our jealousy, controlling and lack of communication built up from small to the point where I can't stand it anymore and we fight every day if not every. I will check on him call him constantly, get mad when he doesn't pick up. he will time me and yell and even swear and attack me imediately if I am late coming home or if he thinks I talked to someone. This sounds really bad and it is but the thing is when it's good, IT'S REALLY GOOD. I don't even know how we let it get this far! And we know exactly what the problems are. He doesn't see women equal to men and I never felt being mistreated before so I didn't even know that! He will not do any of the "women duties" cleaning and cooking or helping around the house. That's the old fashion and different culture(very strict and kind of primitive about these things). He did try. He tries but it's so small and he would complain if I ask him to do something differently. He will cook but make such a mess in the kitchen and he won't clean up. Then I feel like it's better that he didn't cook at all! He will mop the floors or vacuum but when I tell him he missed a spot(or three) he will give me a lip. I have a full time job, huge apartment to clean and take care of "house things". I cook and take care of bills. He brings in money. pretty good money and he is a great provider. He owns a company so his schedule is very flexible. To him, being a good provider, taking care of the "men things" is enough. I want to have family but I am afraid! If he is like this now, what would happen if kids came! He can't see himself even picking up a child in his arms until it's strong and grown a little bit(he really wouldn't i saw him with other kids...) or helping in other way with it. everything would be on me, and I can't only keep it up for so long!
All this I guess I could live with, because we love each other and we both are trying and when we give it a break from fighting, we are so great!
When we go out, it mostly ends up in a fight because we are jealous and so we will accuse each other of looking at another. I know all this could be fixed with good communication but we are really bad at it. It's like we speak 2 different languages. It feels like we are always talking in circles and get nowhere. He also complains of my lack of passion in bed but that's because I am hurting inside. My mind is fried. I can't concentrate on that, even though I have no complains in that department! on the contrary! But when I try to explain him this, he doesn't get it!
My biggest thing is that I can't be myself around him(this wasn't so much when we dated). I have open and friendly personality. That bothers him a lot. He takes that as flirting. I feel like I lost myself in this relationship. I want to get it back, but I don't want to lose him. I sort of let myself suffer and tough it through. Thinking that nobody is perfect and I couldn't imagine loving anyone like him, that I have to sacrifice in some way.
We are both suffucating and we both love each other and we try. We went through a lot together and I am glad I know this great passion and love!
But it also feels very wrong. He verbally abused me before as I have him, but never as much and never first. We tried staying apart when we dated, twice but that didn't work. I moved out temporarily just to give each other some space. I don't know what to do. I always thought marrying him was a mistake that we are not for each other, but I always knew I would marry him. I am miserable, tired, confused, don't know what to do. My friends and family went through this with me, supporting and helping. Now I don't want to bother anyone they all their problems. So I don't talk to anyone about this.
I was hoping that writing this might give me something...help me in some way.
thank you so much for reading this and for your thoughts.