[farmguy]

Been married eight years. We have one child, two years old. I am a farmer. I get up early, around 5:am and am out of the house most of the day with the exception of being home an hour or so for lunch most days.
The problem I have is that I don't feel my wife is supporting me as much as she should.
When I get up in the morning I usually have to spend thirty minutes or so cleaning the kitchen before I can cook breakfast. Then, a couple of times a week I have to spend an extra hour or so washing and drying clothes, paying bills, keeping the books or whatever else has to get done.
When I come in for lunch, usually around noon, she is most likely either gone shopping, watching tv or looking at shopping web sites on the computer.
She is a great mom. She does a good job with our son and I know that takes allot of time and energy. This is the primary reason I haven't pressed the issue. The few times I suggested she help out more it turned into an argument and I got the cold shoulder for quite a while.
I feel I could get allot more done on the farm in a day if she would do more at home. Am I being unreasonable? What can I do to get through to her.

 

[Couleur]

It sounds like the big problem is the morning kitchen. Paying bills for 1 hour a week or doing occasional laundry doesn't seem big to me.

I can think of three explanations
1) your wife is mentally exhausted from parenting (2 year old boys can be exhausting) so she's letting something that does not seem critical to her slide.

2) your wife is investing her time (i.e., showing you her love) in a different way than you value. Let me explain -- it sounds like one of the ways that your wife could demonstrate that she cares for you is by taking good care of your home (acts of service). If she were to keep the kitchen spotless you would know that she cared. On the other hand, you wife might value spending quality time with you. Thus, in the evening after making a mess of the kitchen cooking dinner, she might be *choosing* to spend time with you (say just watching TV) instead of cleaning.

3) your wife may have a higher "mess" tolerance than you, and even though you've made her aware of it and even though she isn't tired, she's just not making you a priority.

I guess I would try saying "hey wife, I know you have your hands full with junior and you can't always get everything done. But it's driving me crazy to have to spend time cleaning the kitchen in the morning, and I realize you might not want to do it after dinner because it's our only chance to hang out together. How about you and I make a date to clean up the kitchen together in the evening? I'll keep you company and we can catch up on how our days went, and that way when I get up in the morning I'll have the space to cook my breakfast."

 

[Chris Taylor]

If she has free time during the day to "watch TV" and you don't have any free time, stop cleaning the kitchen. Make your breakfast around the mess, clean up YOUR mess and leave to do your farming stuff.

When she asks why the kitchen isn't clean, just tell her you didn't have time.

Now, if you come home from farming and just kick back for the rest of the evening while mom takes care of junior, then YOUR free time should also go to cleaning up.

 

[Tufluv]

I'm probably the wrong one to answer this one since I have trouble doing too much for my husband. But, we live in a farming community and the many families that I know that farm all realize that it takes the whole family to farm. Many of our friends have small children and the mothers and the young(yes, 2yrs old) are out in the barn in the morning helping. The mothers put the child in a playpen within eyesight and out of danger. The kids that are a couple of yrs older are given menial tasks to teach them work ethics. I have yet to see any of the mothers sit inside while there are chores to do even if they have newborns. Those gals work their butts off and have breakfast, lunch & dinner ready for their husbands and the farm hands everyday. So..did you marry a city gal? lol If so, and farming is not her thing then I guess I would ask her to do her share inside or else you will need to hire someone.

 

[dormant]

I grew up in a farming community. They way it worked back them was the husband handled the farm and the wife handled the home. The farmer would be busy on farm stuff from early 6:00 or so until sometimes as late as 10:00 pm. Oh course with time out for lunch.

 

[Enginerd]

Did your wife grow up on a farm? It's hard work and not for everyone. She's acting like the typical suburban wife these days.

 

[Emerald]

Been married eight years. We have one child, two years old. I am a farmer. I get up early, around 5:am and am out of the house most of the day with the exception of being home an hour or so for lunch most days.
The problem I have is that I don't feel my wife is supporting me as much as she should.
When I get up in the morning I usually have to spend thirty minutes or so cleaning the kitchen before I can cook breakfast. Then, a couple of times a week I have to spend an extra hour or so washing and drying clothes, paying bills, keeping the books or whatever else has to get done.
When I come in for lunch, usually around noon, she is most likely either gone shopping, watching tv or looking at shopping web sites on the computer.
She is a great mom. She does a good job with our son and I know that takes allot of time and energy. This is the primary reason I haven't pressed the issue. The few times I suggested she help out more it turned into an argument and I got the cold shoulder for quite a while.
I feel I could get allot more done on the farm in a day if she would do more at home. Am I being unreasonable? What can I do to get through to her.

Farmguy - your wife is lazy. She has plenty of time to clean the kitchen - hell - if I could have stayed home with one child (I also worked full time like you) I would be cooking you breakfast every morning.

You bust your butt everyday doing hard work on a farm. Your wife has plenty of time to pick up the house & keep things tidy.

Your big problem is that you didn't establish who would do what prior to marrying & having children.

So you want her to step up but she refuses, argues & dishes out her cold shoulder.

You "hope" she will change but hope is not a plan.

Don't let it go. More children will come along & she will do less chores around the home.

Communication is the only ways to go. Ask for what you want. If she cannot even meet you halfway, then go to marriage counseling.

Good luck.

 

[farmguy]

The problem is that I put in between 10 and 16 hours a day 7 days a week fighting an up hill battle to keep this farm going and keep a roof over our heads. I quite often have to come back to the house for one reason or other late in the morning and find that she's still in bed or has just gotten up and hasn't moved any further than the couch where she is watching mickey mouse with our son.
Sure, I could do all the household chores well enough. I'm the kind of person who does what needs to be done. But, don't you think she should help just a little?

 

[EleGirl]

Yep, your wife is lazy.

My suggestion is that you start by writing her a very heartfelt letter. Not one that is blaming. But you have to tell her very clearly what is going on from your view point and what you need from her.

If you want help writing that letter I have no doubt that people where would be more than glad to review it to make sure it's as non-confrontational as possible.

What you said in your last post could be a very good start to the letter. Your very lively hood is at stake.. thus hers is as well. She needs to know that you cannot do it all.

And if she expects you to do things in the house then it's only fair that either she do some work on the farm or she gets a job to help out. That's how it works.

What was she like before your son was born?

 

[EleGirl]

By the way, if you are working that many hours you are not spending any time with your wife. To keep a relationship strong the two of you need to spend 15 hours a week together, just the 2 of you, doing date-like things.

Your marriage is probably suffering from the serious lack.

 

[Hope1964]

She should be up when you are and be putting as many hours in doing work as you. If she isn't something needs to change.