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Sorry for the long story: 48(F) married 23 years 53(M) together 28 years. Have two grown kids in college. To start I have a very happy, loving marriage. I love my husband more than the day we meet and I feel he feels the same, but things have changed about 9 months ago. Last Nov. I was turning down his computer and saw that he has been watching porn. Yes I know all men do but it was a shock to me, so in turn I started looking a his history to find out how addicted hiss was and at what he was look at. He is addicted to woman's feet. He will look at them for hours. On avg. its an hour but up to 3 hours. Now that I'm I know about this I caught him look at my family and friends feet. I was so upset. He says whats the different if he was looking at the butts or breasts? I didn't know what to say. To top it off I then had to make a chose and have foot surgery because of the pain I was having and that sent me in to a downward sprial of depression knowing now is attraction to feet. I couldnt even talk to him about it with him well know how upset I was and I could even show it to him. Knowing how unsexy it is to him.I also knew he liked legs and I guess feet but not at all to this extent. I am not naive I have just been working full time , raising a family and two dogs. Now that the dogs are gone and kids are in college I guess Im more aware of what is going on in my husbands life and I'm having a very hard time with it. We have a great sex life I'm not complaining. It's just that he is not the person I thought I knew and I have to expect it and it's hard. I had loss sleep, lost 30 pounds and it has changed me. I wish I could go back and not know what I now know. I have become more aggressive with him and sex, I love sex. I have been dressing sexier and I even sent him a sexy valentine picture over the phone. (which I would never do) I think all of this was a shock to him and he wanted to know why I was questioning my sexuality. I told him because of what I now know. We have had 5 fights , discussion about this and he believes I should just grow up. That it has nothing to do with me. That he loves me very much. I even went to a therapist but will not be going back. She feels he has an addiction and would like group therapy. That would never happen. He admits he is obsessed and is addicted but its not affecting our sex life so whats the problem?
 

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if he admits he is obsessed and addicted, it is a problem since it is affecting his relationship with you. just because your sex life seems to be ok doesn't mean it is not a problem.

Foot fetishes are one of the more common fetishes. If you've been married this long and was never aware of it, it doesn't seem his behavior was otherwise affected by this or are you realizing behaviors now in retrospect that give you pause?

he is probably embarrassed you found this out and is defensive. Your therapist may be right but then she has only spoken with you, not him. Generally these things become a problem if the person with the addiction or fetish can't function without the thing of desire. Unclear whether that is happening or not.

I appreciate my wife's feet. But she knows that, and has known it since before we were married. I don't obsess over it but she indulges me with regular pedis and keeping her feet well kept. I give her foot massages and tickle her feet and she once made up a picture book of pretty pictures of her feet for me. But it is just between us and all out in the open between she and I.

Does it bother you because he is looking at the feet of younger women or at the feet of other women in general? Does it bother you that he kept this secret from you for so many years? And you may be wondering what other secrets he is keeping from you?

Seems to me he needs to be more understanding that this is really upsetting you. Also seems to me the two of you need to rebuild trust between the two of you but it is unclear how your relationship is in other respects of openness and sharing. You no doubt will hear from others here that this is just the tip of the ice berg and he is probably hiding much worse things from you. That is a possibility. But it is also a possibility that he's just always had a thing for female feet but for any variety of reasons - upbringing, cultural background, etc - he felt he needed to keep it secret.

What is bothering you the most about this? What would you like him to do?
 

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I would echo the statements above. It seems there are two separate and distinct issues at hand: the first is the fact that he was turning to pornography and violating the spirit of the marriage bed. The second issue is do you have a problem with how he feels about your feet?

You can try to work through them both together or you can try to separate them and divide and conquer.

Good luck and best wishes
 
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