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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I had originally posted this under user name Mindspun. I re-registered after log in difficulties. Thanks for all the previous responses.


I'm in need of advise. My wife and I will be together 25 years this August. We've had normal short bumpy roads but quickly always resolve and fix them. People throughout our years together, have always said we are perfect and so happy together.

So here it is. Her mom fell on hard financial times after her husband passed. Unable to sustain her cost of living, my wife came to me and asked if she could live with us for "2-2 1/2". Saying it would probably take that long for here to pay off her credit card and save enough money for 1st months rent and security. I said of course.

Well at around the 2 1/2 year mark I asked my wife how it was coming along with her CC and savings. She said she has not saved much money and her card has about $4,000 on it (My wife and her siblings had decided in the beginning to charge her mother rent. I told her that is totally up to her and I'd except whatever they come up with). After hearing her deep financial burden I told my wife to deduct $100 from rent and I would pay her private phone and HBO bill. That was 1 year 9 months ago.

Around a year and a half ago I was becoming very upset with her mothers lack of trivial things. She never grew up on a septic or well system so I sat everyone down at the table and we discussed the do's and don'ts of items being flushed or bleach in the drains. Her Mother had continued to not only keep putting paper towels and Kleenex down the toilet but started stock piling 3 rolls of paper towels on the back of the toilet. Then she'd change it to 2 boxes of Kleenex on the toilet, another box 7' away on a bureu right outsde the bathroom and another box on her night stand just another 4' away. I felt she was doing this deliberately. She has still after all these years not stopped. For the record I aways went thru my wife with any trivial issue I had.

Now and again through the years our teenage daughter would talk very disrespectful to her grandmother and I would instantly send her to her room and reprimand her. As time went by our daughter came to us and said we were nit being fair to her. That we punish her without hearing her out. We always took grandmas' side no matter what. She was right. So I left work early one day and caught them in the middle of an all out screaming match. Neither knowing I was there, I hid and listened to heart it myself. I heard both of them screaming at eachother with total disrespect and I was shocked. I finally stepped out and asked "what is going on". They both went in their own rooms. I walk away from that thinking 1- what was so bad that 2 family memebers chose to talk to eachother this way and 2 although they were both acting like 13 year olds, there was only 1 13 year old in the argument. The 2 of them became oil and water.

The grandma would report back to her other 2 kids behind all our backs for years. Then this past Novemebr my wife came home from picking up her mother who had been staying at her sons house for a week. My wife asked me to our room where I found her in tears. She said her mother, brother and sister had told her that her mother says that my wife and I have been cold and distant to her from day 1. She then gave me a list of things her mother said about me which I had to wright down.

In August I had a double cervical fusion and a SS implant installed on a 3rd level my neck. I was heavily medicated 24 hours a day and my family was taking turns waking me up sometimes an hour aprt to give me another kind of pill. So in the state I was in I had to wright things down to remember them.

I asked my wife if I could talk to her mom about the list and she said yes. The next day we did. Her mom and I spoke for 2 hours. 1 item was that I picked on her over the TP and PT and I didn't want her to lean her dirty wet mop on the bathroom wall. She said, come on whats the big deal. You hardly use that bathroom. I said. I can't believe after all the years of explaining the damage it can cause you still do it . Whats so difficult to understand? Then she said I was abusive and her other 2 kids say the same thing . I said can I ask them and she said yes. I called them individually and they both deny ever saying anything about me. The one child said her mother told her I was abusive by picking on her all the time. I said this is ridiculous. Listen to what this whole argument is about. Its immature nonsense.

As time went on she continued with the mop. She did stop putting the TP and PT in the bathroom but low and behold we had clog. I called a plumber out and they found the septic pipe had cracked where it exits the house. Guess what they were pulling out of the pipe. Paper towels. They did say the towels could not have broken the pipe but they did clogg the pipe and don't I know not to put certain things ina septic system.

As time went on I reached out to all 3 of her kids and spoke with her too, to try and resolve any issues. I just recently found out they have been at it again blaming me for he unhappiness. My wife has said my mother is weak and unhappy and likes to pull on her sisters heart strings to get her to feel bad and help her. Instead she was making everyone angry at me. And at my weakest time after a serious surgery that had me heavily medicated and irrational.

To this day I have become dependent on a drug called Tramadol. I have sought help from my doctors and am on a plan. Today I received another epidural injection in my neck to help get off the meds. A few weeks ago my wife, her mother and myself were downstairs. I was on my hands and knees cleaning the floor and her mother was poking me in the side and back with a wrapping paper tube trying to get me to talk politics with her. It is very well known she and I disagree on politics especially the issue she wanted to discuss. She had a few drinks in her and it was obvious she was looking to fight. I looked up at my wife with lifted eyebrows as to ask for help and she tried. Her mom said no, I wont stop saying I want him to answer my question. All while prodding me with the tube. I got up and walked away.

Then on Jan 28 she was at it again when it was just she and I. I lost my cool and called her an alcoholic and to put down the wine while we talk. She said no. I'm not an alcoholic I'm just weak and your mean to me. I told her about the time I walked in on her argument with my daughter. She says that never happened. You're a liar. I told her at least 3 other incidents and her go to answer is always, no you're a liar. Finally I asked her if we could end the argument on a good note because I had to leave and did not want to walk away from each other upset. She agreed and we did.

That night I felt I owed my wife an apology for insulting her mother. My wife had the 3 of us sit and talk again. Everything was going good until the part where I said she was drinking and kept yelling at me calling me a liar when I tried to give her examples of her behavior. The grandmother looked calmly in my wifes eyes and said: I don't know where he got that from. That never happened. Luckily one of those items included my wife who verified it did.

The the next day my wife and I called her sister so I can apologize to her for my insults. She went on the defense immediately and stated her mother never had this white trash, Maury Paulvich, Jerry Springer BS in her life before now. Implying I brought this garbage here. The next day I tried to call her son. The convo started calm and respectful and then blam. He started talking over me saying my mother says you said she doesn't deserve her cats. I was in a twilight zone. I said what are you talking about. Your mother creates things in her head and then gets mad at me as if I did it. Then he started talking with long dragged out words and sentences over me saying I'll fix yr mes. I'm here now to fix yours and my sisters mess. You can say whatever you want I don't believe you. I hung up on him. It was immature and ridiculous.

I then got so mad I texted my wife and said tell your brother to pick her up tonight. Accidenatlly I sent him that text and not my wife. So I followed it up noting I was aware what I did and now I cc'd all 3 siblings the same text. In it I told the brother to add, remove or alter anything I wrote that you disagree with or did not happen. He did not change a thing. That evening my wife came home fuming. We argued all night.

On Jan 31 I took my mothers advise to be the man, step up to the plate, take all the blame and apologize. She said it's not fair to your wife. She's in the middle and may resent you down the line. She said do it to save your family. So I did. No one responded.

A few days later I reached out to her mother again via a text to all 3 siblings asking them to tell her I'd like to apologize to her and to let me know what day and time worked for her. The sister responded that she relayed my text and ner mothers response was: now is not a good time. I have my own problems to work out. About a week or so ago I reached out to the sister and pologized to her and she accepted my apology.

Now my wife is saying she cant live like this anymore. I asked her what she meant and crying, she said she can't live like this knowng her family will never invite her husband to another holiday or birthday party. I said are talking divorce. She said I just know I cant live like this whatever that means. The next day I tried to approach her again and assure her I was making efforts to reach out and make amends with everyone but I can only do that if they accept to talk, which they have not.

My wife goes back and forth sending mixed signals. There's days of normalcy between us with pleant talking, watching shows together, shopping together, talking about fixing up around the house, to again last night saying she cant do it anymore. I've asked her at least 4 times and the latest last night, where I said: all I'm asking is that you weigh what happened with fair eyes and 2, verbally say you're willing to commit to fixing our marriage. In the past her response was: I can not commit to our marriage until I fix myself first.

Last night I asked her is it so hard to say both. I'm not asking you to put us in front of you. I just need to hear you say our marriage has meant something the last 25 years by saying, I will commit to our marriage. I said by your not willing to just say that kills me. I told her: by not being able to say that today, over 1 1/2 months after your mom has left, gives me the notion theres a 90 to 95% no chance you want to fix it. She looked at me with a blank stare and said nothing.

I am now for the 3rd time in over a month and a half back on the couch. The crazy thing is, she'll still come to me and ask me to sleep in our bed but wont commit to our marriage. My head is spun and I'm coming undone. Yesterday before she cam home (and argued), I had researched flowers and their meanings. I ordered a beautiful custom specific bouquet about my thoughts of love and devotion for her. Then she dropped the I wont commit bomb again. Call me crazy but I decided to still give her the bouquet tonight but I wrote a letter thanking her for the last 25 years, our beautiful kids, our home we designed together, etc. I left a note on the note defining each flower and what it represents to me toward her. This after we already decided yesyerday to sit down with the kids and tell them all. Between this, my surgery, my ever shrinking window of getting back to work to provide for my family (that window closes in July), the daily medicine and top it off with the cervical epidural injection I had today, waiting for tonights family discusaion has my stomach upside down.

I know this is a novel but does anyone have some sound advise? I would really appreciate some help.

PS. I will attempt to repost under Mindspun2. Thanks again for all your responses.
PSS. The flowers and note brought her to tears and saying, "This is the first time I feel you understood me since this happened".
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Need Advise. Update.

I am back off the couch for now. The morning was tough due to medicine. All my mornings are for a few hours but my wife was good. Fingers crossed tonight goes well. I do have another concern though. Last Friday she started counseling to help her manage her feelings. I'm troubled by her only going to single, personal counseling and not couples or marriage counseling, that it won't be as effective. Or may even be more damaging vs the 2 of us working through it together in counseling. Any thoughts??
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Yeah. I made her son pick her up after I hung up on him and she stayed with him for about 2 weeks. She now has her own place. They all blame me as if I threw her out on the street with no where to go.

The kick in the face is, my wife recently told me that 2 days before I had her leave, the MIL called her other daughter saying to "get me the **** out of here. On top of that, the day her son chose to turn a respectful convo into an immature one, he was already on his way up to get her to see the apt they had already found for her. On top of that even, that same morning my wife had texted me asking if I wanted her to call her brother and come get her.

So 1- she wanted out so bad, 2-my wife, that same morning, asked me if she should have her brother come get her. 3rd- he was already on his way to get her. 4- they all knew I was on serious nerve meds and was irrational.

Now with all that everyone, hates me for having her leave and my wife has been talking about splitting up because she cant live like this anymore (them not wanting me around).

We've NEVER had any issues with eachother in the past 25 years so I'm bumbazzled as to where all this animosity and hatred is coming from. It's like being in a bad twilight zone.

I sent another text to the brother yesterday apologizing for losing control and making him come get her and I took full responsibility even though I know the truth. I'm doing it for the sake of my family and the fact I truly love my wife.
 

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Wow! Your wife's mother and siblings sound like a bad episode of Jerry Springer to me. I hate it for you, but it seems to me that the only one who is being rational is you. All you can do is what you can do. You can't change the other people or the past. You're not totally blameless in all of this, but you've attempted to make amends, which is more than what her family is doing. You're MIL is a very vindictive person, who is obviously suffering from some kind of depression and/or mental illness, and like most families, they'll believe anything she tells them even if it is far from the truth. How old is she? 12?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
5 days ago I decided to go even further. I texted my wife's brother and asked he share it with his other sister and mother. In the text I took all the responsibility for everything and apologized again. I did it for my wife. I am at the point, I honestly don't believe he has the integrity to do the right thing. If its embarrassment that holds him back, I gave him an out already. Realizing he wont even do what's right for his sister and her kids proves his selfishness. So for the sake of my wife and kids, I chose to take all the blame. They have still not responded. To be fair to the other sister. I called her about a week and a half ago and although angry, she accepted my apology. That's what family does.

Knowing my wife had initially asked me not to text them again stating they were not ready (2 months later), I felt it right I tell her I texted her brother. This was a few days after I texted him. I forwarded her the text so not to misword anything. She went right into defense mode for them.

So a few days before Easter, my wife told me that her sister told her they are doing Easter at her house. The sister told my wife the she and the kids are invited but I am not. My wife had said she didn't know what she was going to do. She felt in the middle and either decision she made would be looked at as wrong by someone.

The morning before Easter I told my wife that at this point we needed to sit down with the kids and tell them more truth of what's going on. She agreed. That evening we sat but for some reason neither of us told the kids the whole truth. I did tell them that Easter was at their aunts house. I told them I was not invited but they were.

Trying to make things easier for my wife and kids, I told them I was dieing to see the movie, The Revenant and I was going on Easter. I told them to go to their aunts if they wanted. My son (18) said he had to work all day and could not go. My daughter (almost 16) snapped back quickly and said, "Of course I'm going".

After thinking a while at how quickly and adamant my daughter responded, I had a notion my wife had spoke with her prior to our sit down. It was too quick and prepared with supposedly no information on the subject. Later, I asked my wife if she had and she admitted she did talk to both kids before our family meeting. I'm stunned again. My wife and I agreed but she went behind my back and talked to them before our planned meeting.

I asked my wife, "How do you think our kids would feel if they read all the texts between your family and me? What do you think they would say if I forwarded the kids everything that was said? My wife replied, "they would be upset with my family". I said exactly and our kids are 16 and 18 not the grown adults your family are suppose to be. Yet you continue to defend and make excuse for them while they break up our family.

Any one have any thoughts on what I should do next?

Between the beginning of this dumb drama, my wifes refusal to commit to our marriage, my wifes refusal to admit the truth about her family to them or our kids, her brother and mothers denial in any responsibility, all while our immediate family breaks apart, I am now steering toward forwarding all the texts to our kids and accepting fate.
 

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You've went far and above helping your MIL out. If your wife is worth anything she won't go without you. And I'd make damn sure my kids didn't go and I'd let them in on the circumstances.

They are old enough to know.

You have put up with to much bullsh!t here and look what it's gotten you. Sleep in your own bed no matter what. Your wife needs to know where her breads buttered. She has her own family to worry about. Her immediate family should come first if it doesn't that tells you who she really is doesn't it.

You bear the responsibility of letting this get out of control. Stand up and protect your family. Lay down some rules for your wife.

This part is all on you. Man up, get this done and don't back off.
 

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So a few days before Easter, my wife told me that her sister told her they are doing Easter at her house. The sister told my wife the she and the kids are invited but I am not. My wife had said she didn't know what she was going to do. She felt in the middle and either decision she made would be looked at as wrong by someone.
Doesn't say much for your wife. She is basically saying she's picking her family over you! You got that right?
 

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Quit apologizing for crap that is not your fault! No way in hell would I tolerate that **** in my house. Either she is your wife or not. Leave and cleave....she don't get it. To be treated so disrespectfully in your own home her azz would have been sent to sons house especially after I walked in on argument.

Let your kids read the texts and know how disfunctional her family is. Her own son did not care enough to offer her residence...did he? Either you act like a man and start wearing the britches or continue to let your wife and her family run you over.

Your wife does not give a **** about you. No way in hell would we go any where unless every one is invited. I think your wife made her choice who is more important.

Tell your kids the truth and quit lieing to them. You are not setting a good example for your kids....or your wife. You are in the right, quit kissing everyone's ass and being weak.
 

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Your MIL is a manipulator and your wife...well, that apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Your marriage isn't toast, but dammit dude stop apologizing for stuff that isn't your responsibility. That makes you a chump and a doormat. It makes them respect you even less.

This is not all on you. They haven't shown you respect either. The b!tch lived in your house for 4 years and this is how you get treated? Oh hell no!

Get a copy of Married Man Sex Life Primer and get to work on yourself, cause you need to man up dude. That doesn't mean screaming louder or fighting dirty with your wife. It means to grow up, to stand up for yourself and not to let her family railroad you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Update. My wife and I have been having better relations. I have been more clearminded since the injection and medicine switch, so that helps.

She says I go for the jugular when I know I'm right. I see it more as I go for the jugular when somone outright lies or does something against me or my family with obvious bad intentions. Then, yes I go for the jugular.

In this case it involved my wifes family and I held them accountable without a leash. Some around me have thought I should not have been so hard as to ask my MIL to leave in the abrupt manner that I did. That I should have had a longer leash for their mistakes. I on the other hand still feel, their mistakes were egregious and its not a 1 way street.

I know I made my share of mistakes on how I handled some things. I can see how I had no filter when it came to stating my thoughts (that never works out well). On the other hand I was on nerve pain meds and pain killers 24 hours a day which definitely had a hand in removing that filter. Add to that just finding out the MIL has been making me out to be a monster for 2 1/2 years whithout ever a complaint to me or my wife. Then add my wifes siblings buying into it for so long without mentioning anything. The siblings and I have never had a hint of any negativity toward each other in 25 years. So one would think they would have questioned the complaints or at least mentioned something in the 2 1/2 years of deceit. If not to me than at least my wife, their sister. So yes I got defensive and angry.

So the long and short of where it all stands now is like this. My wife and I have been having clearer more productive conversation about it. She has been more forthcoming and I have been more understanding of her.

As for her family, I chose not to pursue them anymore. If they can't be honest than they're not worth the argument. If they can, then great. I'll give them a cautious ear. My days of apologizing for things I need not aoologize for are over.

Once a snake bites, it's hard to offer your hand again.

Thanks for all the feedback.
 

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Sounds like progress.

Keep working on your relationship with your W. You do that and the rest will take care of itself.

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks Tron. That's the direction we are heading together now.
PS. I read reviews of the book you suggested and its on order. Thanks.
 

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In this case it involved my wifes family and I held them accountable without a leash. Some around me have thought I should not have been so hard as to ask my MIL to leave in the abrupt manner that I did. That I should have had a longer leash for their mistakes. I on the other hand still feel, their mistakes were egregious and its not a 1 way street.
Well, some around you are WRONG. You had every right to tell her to leave in whatever manner you found necessary. She took advantage of both you and your wife, and totally disrespected you in your own home. I am glad that you and your wife are making some progress and hope your kids come to understand as well.
 

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Mindspun had originally written:

Her mom fell on hard financial times after her husband passed. Unable to sustain her cost of living, my wife came to me and asked if she could live with us for "2-2 1/2". Saying it would probably take that long for here to pay off her credit card and save enough money for 1st months rent and security. I said of course.
I'd love to know how this part worked out. Did your MIL ever pay off her credit card balance? And did she ever try saving enough for her own place.

Or were those things never going to happen?

Keep on truckin' fella!
 

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Your in-laws are a cluster of manipulation and co- dependence.

Find your mom a place. Pay for it if you have to.

But she leaves. Label it "disruption to the family."
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Discussion Starter · #19 · (Edited)
Sidney 2718. No she did not. Her other children are now picking up the difference. I had told my wife I was still ok with us paying off the CC after all this happened. I told her that I agreed we would and I keep my word. She said she offered and the siblings and mother did not want it anymore.
 

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Your wife's behavior in all this was bad, her family's much worse. Having said that my view is that this is one of those things that will likely mend with time as you are certainly are beginning to see with your wife's behavior toward you. My advice to you would to stop apologizing and in fact go no contact with her family. Put the ball in their court. You won't lose much either way they choose. As for your wife, stop badgering her to say she is committed, etc. Sounds like her actions recently are giving you the positive answer you were looking for. Just build on that. Take a deep breath and let time do its work.
 
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