I had originally posted this under user name Mindspun. I re-registered after log in difficulties. Thanks for all the previous responses.
I'm in need of advise. My wife and I will be together 25 years this August. We've had normal short bumpy roads but quickly always resolve and fix them. People throughout our years together, have always said we are perfect and so happy together.
So here it is. Her mom fell on hard financial times after her husband passed. Unable to sustain her cost of living, my wife came to me and asked if she could live with us for "2-2 1/2". Saying it would probably take that long for here to pay off her credit card and save enough money for 1st months rent and security. I said of course.
Well at around the 2 1/2 year mark I asked my wife how it was coming along with her CC and savings. She said she has not saved much money and her card has about $4,000 on it (My wife and her siblings had decided in the beginning to charge her mother rent. I told her that is totally up to her and I'd except whatever they come up with). After hearing her deep financial burden I told my wife to deduct $100 from rent and I would pay her private phone and HBO bill. That was 1 year 9 months ago.
Around a year and a half ago I was becoming very upset with her mothers lack of trivial things. She never grew up on a septic or well system so I sat everyone down at the table and we discussed the do's and don'ts of items being flushed or bleach in the drains. Her Mother had continued to not only keep putting paper towels and Kleenex down the toilet but started stock piling 3 rolls of paper towels on the back of the toilet. Then she'd change it to 2 boxes of Kleenex on the toilet, another box 7' away on a bureu right outsde the bathroom and another box on her night stand just another 4' away. I felt she was doing this deliberately. She has still after all these years not stopped. For the record I aways went thru my wife with any trivial issue I had.
Now and again through the years our teenage daughter would talk very disrespectful to her grandmother and I would instantly send her to her room and reprimand her. As time went by our daughter came to us and said we were nit being fair to her. That we punish her without hearing her out. We always took grandmas' side no matter what. She was right. So I left work early one day and caught them in the middle of an all out screaming match. Neither knowing I was there, I hid and listened to heart it myself. I heard both of them screaming at eachother with total disrespect and I was shocked. I finally stepped out and asked "what is going on". They both went in their own rooms. I walk away from that thinking 1- what was so bad that 2 family memebers chose to talk to eachother this way and 2 although they were both acting like 13 year olds, there was only 1 13 year old in the argument. The 2 of them became oil and water.
The grandma would report back to her other 2 kids behind all our backs for years. Then this past Novemebr my wife came home from picking up her mother who had been staying at her sons house for a week. My wife asked me to our room where I found her in tears. She said her mother, brother and sister had told her that her mother says that my wife and I have been cold and distant to her from day 1. She then gave me a list of things her mother said about me which I had to wright down.
In August I had a double cervical fusion and a SS implant installed on a 3rd level my neck. I was heavily medicated 24 hours a day and my family was taking turns waking me up sometimes an hour aprt to give me another kind of pill. So in the state I was in I had to wright things down to remember them.
I asked my wife if I could talk to her mom about the list and she said yes. The next day we did. Her mom and I spoke for 2 hours. 1 item was that I picked on her over the TP and PT and I didn't want her to lean her dirty wet mop on the bathroom wall. She said, come on whats the big deal. You hardly use that bathroom. I said. I can't believe after all the years of explaining the damage it can cause you still do it . Whats so difficult to understand? Then she said I was abusive and her other 2 kids say the same thing . I said can I ask them and she said yes. I called them individually and they both deny ever saying anything about me. The one child said her mother told her I was abusive by picking on her all the time. I said this is ridiculous. Listen to what this whole argument is about. Its immature nonsense.
As time went on she continued with the mop. She did stop putting the TP and PT in the bathroom but low and behold we had clog. I called a plumber out and they found the septic pipe had cracked where it exits the house. Guess what they were pulling out of the pipe. Paper towels. They did say the towels could not have broken the pipe but they did clogg the pipe and don't I know not to put certain things ina septic system.
As time went on I reached out to all 3 of her kids and spoke with her too, to try and resolve any issues. I just recently found out they have been at it again blaming me for he unhappiness. My wife has said my mother is weak and unhappy and likes to pull on her sisters heart strings to get her to feel bad and help her. Instead she was making everyone angry at me. And at my weakest time after a serious surgery that had me heavily medicated and irrational.
To this day I have become dependent on a drug called Tramadol. I have sought help from my doctors and am on a plan. Today I received another epidural injection in my neck to help get off the meds. A few weeks ago my wife, her mother and myself were downstairs. I was on my hands and knees cleaning the floor and her mother was poking me in the side and back with a wrapping paper tube trying to get me to talk politics with her. It is very well known she and I disagree on politics especially the issue she wanted to discuss. She had a few drinks in her and it was obvious she was looking to fight. I looked up at my wife with lifted eyebrows as to ask for help and she tried. Her mom said no, I wont stop saying I want him to answer my question. All while prodding me with the tube. I got up and walked away.
Then on Jan 28 she was at it again when it was just she and I. I lost my cool and called her an alcoholic and to put down the wine while we talk. She said no. I'm not an alcoholic I'm just weak and your mean to me. I told her about the time I walked in on her argument with my daughter. She says that never happened. You're a liar. I told her at least 3 other incidents and her go to answer is always, no you're a liar. Finally I asked her if we could end the argument on a good note because I had to leave and did not want to walk away from each other upset. She agreed and we did.
That night I felt I owed my wife an apology for insulting her mother. My wife had the 3 of us sit and talk again. Everything was going good until the part where I said she was drinking and kept yelling at me calling me a liar when I tried to give her examples of her behavior. The grandmother looked calmly in my wifes eyes and said: I don't know where he got that from. That never happened. Luckily one of those items included my wife who verified it did.
The the next day my wife and I called her sister so I can apologize to her for my insults. She went on the defense immediately and stated her mother never had this white trash, Maury Paulvich, Jerry Springer BS in her life before now. Implying I brought this garbage here. The next day I tried to call her son. The convo started calm and respectful and then blam. He started talking over me saying my mother says you said she doesn't deserve her cats. I was in a twilight zone. I said what are you talking about. Your mother creates things in her head and then gets mad at me as if I did it. Then he started talking with long dragged out words and sentences over me saying I'll fix yr mes. I'm here now to fix yours and my sisters mess. You can say whatever you want I don't believe you. I hung up on him. It was immature and ridiculous.
I then got so mad I texted my wife and said tell your brother to pick her up tonight. Accidenatlly I sent him that text and not my wife. So I followed it up noting I was aware what I did and now I cc'd all 3 siblings the same text. In it I told the brother to add, remove or alter anything I wrote that you disagree with or did not happen. He did not change a thing. That evening my wife came home fuming. We argued all night.
On Jan 31 I took my mothers advise to be the man, step up to the plate, take all the blame and apologize. She said it's not fair to your wife. She's in the middle and may resent you down the line. She said do it to save your family. So I did. No one responded.
A few days later I reached out to her mother again via a text to all 3 siblings asking them to tell her I'd like to apologize to her and to let me know what day and time worked for her. The sister responded that she relayed my text and ner mothers response was: now is not a good time. I have my own problems to work out. About a week or so ago I reached out to the sister and pologized to her and she accepted my apology.
Now my wife is saying she cant live like this anymore. I asked her what she meant and crying, she said she can't live like this knowng her family will never invite her husband to another holiday or birthday party. I said are talking divorce. She said I just know I cant live like this whatever that means. The next day I tried to approach her again and assure her I was making efforts to reach out and make amends with everyone but I can only do that if they accept to talk, which they have not.
My wife goes back and forth sending mixed signals. There's days of normalcy between us with pleant talking, watching shows together, shopping together, talking about fixing up around the house, to again last night saying she cant do it anymore. I've asked her at least 4 times and the latest last night, where I said: all I'm asking is that you weigh what happened with fair eyes and 2, verbally say you're willing to commit to fixing our marriage. In the past her response was: I can not commit to our marriage until I fix myself first.
Last night I asked her is it so hard to say both. I'm not asking you to put us in front of you. I just need to hear you say our marriage has meant something the last 25 years by saying, I will commit to our marriage. I said by your not willing to just say that kills me. I told her: by not being able to say that today, over 1 1/2 months after your mom has left, gives me the notion theres a 90 to 95% no chance you want to fix it. She looked at me with a blank stare and said nothing.
I am now for the 3rd time in over a month and a half back on the couch. The crazy thing is, she'll still come to me and ask me to sleep in our bed but wont commit to our marriage. My head is spun and I'm coming undone. Yesterday before she cam home (and argued), I had researched flowers and their meanings. I ordered a beautiful custom specific bouquet about my thoughts of love and devotion for her. Then she dropped the I wont commit bomb again. Call me crazy but I decided to still give her the bouquet tonight but I wrote a letter thanking her for the last 25 years, our beautiful kids, our home we designed together, etc. I left a note on the note defining each flower and what it represents to me toward her. This after we already decided yesyerday to sit down with the kids and tell them all. Between this, my surgery, my ever shrinking window of getting back to work to provide for my family (that window closes in July), the daily medicine and top it off with the cervical epidural injection I had today, waiting for tonights family discusaion has my stomach upside down.
I know this is a novel but does anyone have some sound advise? I would really appreciate some help.
PS. I will attempt to repost under Mindspun2. Thanks again for all your responses.
PSS. The flowers and note brought her to tears and saying, "This is the first time I feel you understood me since this happened".
I'm in need of advise. My wife and I will be together 25 years this August. We've had normal short bumpy roads but quickly always resolve and fix them. People throughout our years together, have always said we are perfect and so happy together.
So here it is. Her mom fell on hard financial times after her husband passed. Unable to sustain her cost of living, my wife came to me and asked if she could live with us for "2-2 1/2". Saying it would probably take that long for here to pay off her credit card and save enough money for 1st months rent and security. I said of course.
Well at around the 2 1/2 year mark I asked my wife how it was coming along with her CC and savings. She said she has not saved much money and her card has about $4,000 on it (My wife and her siblings had decided in the beginning to charge her mother rent. I told her that is totally up to her and I'd except whatever they come up with). After hearing her deep financial burden I told my wife to deduct $100 from rent and I would pay her private phone and HBO bill. That was 1 year 9 months ago.
Around a year and a half ago I was becoming very upset with her mothers lack of trivial things. She never grew up on a septic or well system so I sat everyone down at the table and we discussed the do's and don'ts of items being flushed or bleach in the drains. Her Mother had continued to not only keep putting paper towels and Kleenex down the toilet but started stock piling 3 rolls of paper towels on the back of the toilet. Then she'd change it to 2 boxes of Kleenex on the toilet, another box 7' away on a bureu right outsde the bathroom and another box on her night stand just another 4' away. I felt she was doing this deliberately. She has still after all these years not stopped. For the record I aways went thru my wife with any trivial issue I had.
Now and again through the years our teenage daughter would talk very disrespectful to her grandmother and I would instantly send her to her room and reprimand her. As time went by our daughter came to us and said we were nit being fair to her. That we punish her without hearing her out. We always took grandmas' side no matter what. She was right. So I left work early one day and caught them in the middle of an all out screaming match. Neither knowing I was there, I hid and listened to heart it myself. I heard both of them screaming at eachother with total disrespect and I was shocked. I finally stepped out and asked "what is going on". They both went in their own rooms. I walk away from that thinking 1- what was so bad that 2 family memebers chose to talk to eachother this way and 2 although they were both acting like 13 year olds, there was only 1 13 year old in the argument. The 2 of them became oil and water.
The grandma would report back to her other 2 kids behind all our backs for years. Then this past Novemebr my wife came home from picking up her mother who had been staying at her sons house for a week. My wife asked me to our room where I found her in tears. She said her mother, brother and sister had told her that her mother says that my wife and I have been cold and distant to her from day 1. She then gave me a list of things her mother said about me which I had to wright down.
In August I had a double cervical fusion and a SS implant installed on a 3rd level my neck. I was heavily medicated 24 hours a day and my family was taking turns waking me up sometimes an hour aprt to give me another kind of pill. So in the state I was in I had to wright things down to remember them.
I asked my wife if I could talk to her mom about the list and she said yes. The next day we did. Her mom and I spoke for 2 hours. 1 item was that I picked on her over the TP and PT and I didn't want her to lean her dirty wet mop on the bathroom wall. She said, come on whats the big deal. You hardly use that bathroom. I said. I can't believe after all the years of explaining the damage it can cause you still do it . Whats so difficult to understand? Then she said I was abusive and her other 2 kids say the same thing . I said can I ask them and she said yes. I called them individually and they both deny ever saying anything about me. The one child said her mother told her I was abusive by picking on her all the time. I said this is ridiculous. Listen to what this whole argument is about. Its immature nonsense.
As time went on she continued with the mop. She did stop putting the TP and PT in the bathroom but low and behold we had clog. I called a plumber out and they found the septic pipe had cracked where it exits the house. Guess what they were pulling out of the pipe. Paper towels. They did say the towels could not have broken the pipe but they did clogg the pipe and don't I know not to put certain things ina septic system.
As time went on I reached out to all 3 of her kids and spoke with her too, to try and resolve any issues. I just recently found out they have been at it again blaming me for he unhappiness. My wife has said my mother is weak and unhappy and likes to pull on her sisters heart strings to get her to feel bad and help her. Instead she was making everyone angry at me. And at my weakest time after a serious surgery that had me heavily medicated and irrational.
To this day I have become dependent on a drug called Tramadol. I have sought help from my doctors and am on a plan. Today I received another epidural injection in my neck to help get off the meds. A few weeks ago my wife, her mother and myself were downstairs. I was on my hands and knees cleaning the floor and her mother was poking me in the side and back with a wrapping paper tube trying to get me to talk politics with her. It is very well known she and I disagree on politics especially the issue she wanted to discuss. She had a few drinks in her and it was obvious she was looking to fight. I looked up at my wife with lifted eyebrows as to ask for help and she tried. Her mom said no, I wont stop saying I want him to answer my question. All while prodding me with the tube. I got up and walked away.
Then on Jan 28 she was at it again when it was just she and I. I lost my cool and called her an alcoholic and to put down the wine while we talk. She said no. I'm not an alcoholic I'm just weak and your mean to me. I told her about the time I walked in on her argument with my daughter. She says that never happened. You're a liar. I told her at least 3 other incidents and her go to answer is always, no you're a liar. Finally I asked her if we could end the argument on a good note because I had to leave and did not want to walk away from each other upset. She agreed and we did.
That night I felt I owed my wife an apology for insulting her mother. My wife had the 3 of us sit and talk again. Everything was going good until the part where I said she was drinking and kept yelling at me calling me a liar when I tried to give her examples of her behavior. The grandmother looked calmly in my wifes eyes and said: I don't know where he got that from. That never happened. Luckily one of those items included my wife who verified it did.
The the next day my wife and I called her sister so I can apologize to her for my insults. She went on the defense immediately and stated her mother never had this white trash, Maury Paulvich, Jerry Springer BS in her life before now. Implying I brought this garbage here. The next day I tried to call her son. The convo started calm and respectful and then blam. He started talking over me saying my mother says you said she doesn't deserve her cats. I was in a twilight zone. I said what are you talking about. Your mother creates things in her head and then gets mad at me as if I did it. Then he started talking with long dragged out words and sentences over me saying I'll fix yr mes. I'm here now to fix yours and my sisters mess. You can say whatever you want I don't believe you. I hung up on him. It was immature and ridiculous.
I then got so mad I texted my wife and said tell your brother to pick her up tonight. Accidenatlly I sent him that text and not my wife. So I followed it up noting I was aware what I did and now I cc'd all 3 siblings the same text. In it I told the brother to add, remove or alter anything I wrote that you disagree with or did not happen. He did not change a thing. That evening my wife came home fuming. We argued all night.
On Jan 31 I took my mothers advise to be the man, step up to the plate, take all the blame and apologize. She said it's not fair to your wife. She's in the middle and may resent you down the line. She said do it to save your family. So I did. No one responded.
A few days later I reached out to her mother again via a text to all 3 siblings asking them to tell her I'd like to apologize to her and to let me know what day and time worked for her. The sister responded that she relayed my text and ner mothers response was: now is not a good time. I have my own problems to work out. About a week or so ago I reached out to the sister and pologized to her and she accepted my apology.
Now my wife is saying she cant live like this anymore. I asked her what she meant and crying, she said she can't live like this knowng her family will never invite her husband to another holiday or birthday party. I said are talking divorce. She said I just know I cant live like this whatever that means. The next day I tried to approach her again and assure her I was making efforts to reach out and make amends with everyone but I can only do that if they accept to talk, which they have not.
My wife goes back and forth sending mixed signals. There's days of normalcy between us with pleant talking, watching shows together, shopping together, talking about fixing up around the house, to again last night saying she cant do it anymore. I've asked her at least 4 times and the latest last night, where I said: all I'm asking is that you weigh what happened with fair eyes and 2, verbally say you're willing to commit to fixing our marriage. In the past her response was: I can not commit to our marriage until I fix myself first.
Last night I asked her is it so hard to say both. I'm not asking you to put us in front of you. I just need to hear you say our marriage has meant something the last 25 years by saying, I will commit to our marriage. I said by your not willing to just say that kills me. I told her: by not being able to say that today, over 1 1/2 months after your mom has left, gives me the notion theres a 90 to 95% no chance you want to fix it. She looked at me with a blank stare and said nothing.
I am now for the 3rd time in over a month and a half back on the couch. The crazy thing is, she'll still come to me and ask me to sleep in our bed but wont commit to our marriage. My head is spun and I'm coming undone. Yesterday before she cam home (and argued), I had researched flowers and their meanings. I ordered a beautiful custom specific bouquet about my thoughts of love and devotion for her. Then she dropped the I wont commit bomb again. Call me crazy but I decided to still give her the bouquet tonight but I wrote a letter thanking her for the last 25 years, our beautiful kids, our home we designed together, etc. I left a note on the note defining each flower and what it represents to me toward her. This after we already decided yesyerday to sit down with the kids and tell them all. Between this, my surgery, my ever shrinking window of getting back to work to provide for my family (that window closes in July), the daily medicine and top it off with the cervical epidural injection I had today, waiting for tonights family discusaion has my stomach upside down.
I know this is a novel but does anyone have some sound advise? I would really appreciate some help.
PS. I will attempt to repost under Mindspun2. Thanks again for all your responses.
PSS. The flowers and note brought her to tears and saying, "This is the first time I feel you understood me since this happened".
