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New to this so be patient with me--I will try to give a quick breakdown of what has happened--My husband and I have been married for 23 years..2 children in college and like everyone we have had our ups and downs. We also own and run a business together and have for the 23 years we've been married. My husband is "everybody's buddy"--I've always told him if I was ever in the situation that I had ONE phone call that I was certain it wouldnt be to him..he seems to be quick to help someone he hardly knows but when it comes to us (me and the kids) it's like pulling teeth. Dont get me wrong he is a Very Good person with a kind heart but sometimes I HAVE NO IDEA what is going on in his head. He tends to be a follower and not a leader and easily influenced by others opinions and will always lend anyone money-even if we dont have it--as we run a seasonal business and right now times are tough-but he has ALWAYS dont this. I've always taken care of the office/bill..ect. and I am very very particular about paying bills on time--we have a better than excellent credit score and that is due to me..so here goes...was not looking at all for this-saw a copy of an email he got from a private investigator with a contract attached telling my husband to sign and fill out per their conversation earlier. I COULDNT BELIEVE THIS-my name was on this contract but it didnt say what services he was hiring him for. So..asked my husband about this and he lied to me face to face--said it was about some camera equipment for security at our business..so I let him believe that I bought it. After about a week or so I confronted him again--and finally after hours of back and forth and after lying over and over to my face he told me he hired a private investigator to do a financial background check on me to see if I had any hidden bank accounts-he thought I was hiding money-taking from business and secretly stashing away for personal use. I was hurt-mad-distraught-everything you could imagine--this coming from my husband who never tells me anything about the money he lends out and I tell him/discuss with him everything regarding money. There is absolutely NO one who owes me money-because I dont lend money out. He has no idea who owes him-or if they paid him. Ok--im talking in circles--I just need someones opinion of what he's done. His response to me was our business should be rolling--needed to see where the money was going. This was in Sept. 2010 and everyday is a struggle to trust what comes out of his mouth!
 

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Well, the first thing I thought before finishing is that he thought you guys made more money than you do, because he is so IRRESPONSIBLE with money that he has no concept on where the money really goes. So if he's not rich by now, it must be your fault, you must be stealing it. Doesn't say much for your marriage, but it sounds like you haven't had that close of a marriage to start with.

What have you done to turn the marriage around?
 

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It's kind of ironic, thought... In the CWI forum, a lot of people preach "anything goes" if a spouse suspects the other spouse of infidelity. Any means necessary to catch them. PI's, VAR's, GPS tracking, hidden video cameras...

Anyway, it seems that the two of you have significant communication and trust issues... What have the two of you done for the past 2 years to try to change that?

C
 

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It sounds to me like there's a lot going on here, particularly given the bit about him choosing others over you and his children. In light of the trust issues that he now apparently has concerning money, I would be thinking that MC is long overdue, OP.
 

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The P.I. is important and should be dealt with, but it's only a sign of the bigger problems you two have. Lack of communication, lack of trust, financial mismanagement, a disconnect between you two, and the list goes on. You two have big problems in the relationship.

Why does he feel compelled to give others money? Is it coming from a religious or cultural motivation? Is he a total people pleaser who can't turn anyone down?

I used to have a friend, now divorced, whose husband would lend large sums of money to his friends. We're talking like $1,000-$2,000 or so. He would give it without letting her know. Most of the time, she'd only find out when a bank statement came. His defense was that he came from a culture in the Middle East where one helps out one's close friends. He was notoriously private about his activities.

I wonder if your husband is secretly stashing money on the side and telling YOU that he's given it away to friends or acquaintances.
 

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I guess I am a little confused on what he's hoping to accomplish. As an OWNER of the business you can take out money ANYTIME you want for ANY reason other than something illegal. What is he hoping to gain out of a PI who will look at the same bank statements that he can look at. Sounds like a foolish waste of money to me considering nothing illegal is going on here. You have the right to withdraw money from the business at any time. I am guessing he never ASKED you about money before?

As the other posters have said, you two have HUGE issues that need to be worked out.
 

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I'm actually wondering why he would hire a PI to check out your business' finances, rather than an accountant. It would be interesting to know what the PI's mandate actually relates to...
 

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if you have nothing to hide then let the PI do his job.

for some reason your husband has lost trust in you. are you having an affair? maybe he just saying its about money when he thinks you are actually screwing around on him.

if you think its unfair that he hires a PI then maybe you should do the same.
 
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I'd have at least two problems here. One, he straight up lied to you. So...he is a liar among other things. That would be very difficult to get past. It's not just one little lie.... liars lie.

Second, I suspect that like cheating spouses accuse the other partner of cheating..... He is the one stashing cash. We already know he will lie to your face... I would bet he is not so honest financially either.

Once the P.I. is done checking you out..... I'd say It's his turn.
 

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Well, the first thing I thought before finishing is that he thought you guys made more money than you do, because he is so IRRESPONSIBLE with money that he has no concept on where the money really goes. So if he's not rich by now, it must be your fault, you must be stealing it. Doesn't say much for your marriage, but it sounds like you haven't had that close of a marriage to start with.

What have you done to turn the marriage around?
Yeah that sounds like what's happening.
 

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I'd have at least two problems here. One, he straight up lied to you. So...he is a liar among other things. That would be very difficult to get past. It's not just one little lie.... liars lie.

Second, I suspect that like cheating spouses accuse the other partner of cheating..... He is the one stashing cash. We already know he will lie to your face... I would bet he is not so honest financially either.

Once the P.I. is done checking you out..... I'd say It's his turn.
Excuse me, but if he's lost so much trust in her that he thinks she's embezzling money, than telling her the truth would HARM his interests. "Why no honey...I was looking to see if you were stealing money from me...so I'm telling you this so you can shred the evidence."

But even more important, WHAT DOES HE THINK YOU ARE GOING TO BE DOING WITH THIS MONEY?

Short list

Drugs
Gambling
Invenerant Shopping
Leaving him.

Since the shopping is hard to hide and he can catch the track marks, it leaves two options.

So...why would he suspect either of these things? Maybe there are others, but what benefit would it be just to hide money?
 

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As a business owner, none of this makes any sense to me at all. If he wanted to account for money, he would have had the books audited by a third party. (Which is actually not a bad idea for any business) He would have therefore hired an accountant, not an investigator.

Are you sure he has actually told you the truth?
 

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I hope this not a post and run poster. Hope she comes back to update or respond to those who have posted in this thread.
 

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If her husband is checking her accounts, what do you want to bet he's also looking at her internet history?
 

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I think we're talking to ourselves. Looks like the OP is either reading and not reacting or she hasn't been back since she posted.
 

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OP- If you still come here & check on this..

I just want to say, I can understand your frustration.. A little too easily.
I once heard from my sis-n-law that ALL men, will have a secret bank account to stash some extra savings/cash. HA! my hubby goes thru his money so fast, there's no way!. He would have literally pennies in an "extra" account.

But, it seems that maybe, just maybe your husband is this type of person. Since he maybe has his own secret account, he wants to see if you have one too. He has probably lent all his time & money out & is trying to see if you have cash somewhere that he can dip into, to pay his bills that you don't know about. Or to fund his gambling problem...

Or to go out & party with his friends that he is always available for & would help in a half a second...

That part of your post is most that I can relate to. It's so frustrating when the hubby is willing to help his friends/his family at the drop of a hat..yet, it takes tooth pulling for you to get even an hours time of help at the house. You don't want to curb his altruistic helping others qualities, yet you are jealous that he doesn't put the same value on helping his own family.
 

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I'm actually wondering why he would hire a PI to check out your business' finances, rather than an accountant. It would be interesting to know what the PI's mandate actually relates to...
:iagree:

Something fishy going on here. A (CPA/accountant) is what is needed. Not sure what a PI could do without access to the "books" and an understanding of your business practices.

Kinda like hiring a Carpenter to rebuild your car engine.
 
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