Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 106 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hello. I am looking for some advise, I am at my witts end! My husband and I have been married 21 years, together 25. Last year I discovered he was having an affair....with his best friends girlfriend! He left for a month or so staying with his sister then we decided to give it another try and he moved back home. While he was gone, I did some self analysis and tried to figure out why after all these years did the man I believed loved me so much, hurt me so badly. I found a therapist to help me through this process. I was able to see that I needed to address some of my own issues to help have a stronger marriage going forward. When I was a child, I was molested and never really dealt with it. I was not the most affectionate person in the world (which is the reason my husband says he why he had the affair). I was finally able to deal with my past and realize that I could and wanted to be a more affectionate wife. Once I broke down those walls, I found it very easy to show my husband physically my feelings for him. I was proud of myself for that and believed that maybe this whole affair happened so I could deal with my past and we would possibly have a stronger marriage going forward. Well, it hasn't been that way.

My husband blames me for his affair, says if I had been a "better" wife it wouldn't have happened. I explained that I always loved him and I have dealt with my past hoping it would make us stronger. He admits that he sees the change but questions why it "took me so long". He has apologized for his affair but always ends it with...but if you hadn't pushed me to it....I tell him that I did NOT make him choose to do this, he made that choice on his own. SInce being back home, he still talks to the "best friend". The "best friend" forgave my husband and broke up with the *****, but still dates her occasionally. Now, understand that how I found out about the affair was looking at my husbands text message usage on our phone bill and he was texting his "best friend" all day every day. Turns out that she was using the best friends phone (as they lived together) to text my husband.

So now, when I see his text messages on the phone bill and see him texting his "best friend" knowing the friend still sees her, it makes me worry! I tell him how it makes me feel and he tells me that I should trust him. So I try. Then I see him take his phone to the bathroom, and just being sneaky with it so when he was in the shower I looked at it. He was looking at porn! I confronted him about it and he says its a "normal guy thing". I told him that while I am trying to trust him again after what he did, it is NOT a normal guy thing! He should respect my feelings. Well that turned into 2 weeks of ignoring me telling me that I wont "police him". That if I really forgave him for the affair I would trust him. I tried to explain that I did forgive him but at the same time what he did hurts! And it will take a long time for me to trust him and his feeling for me. He seemed to undertand, but then a month later, the same thing happened! With the same outcome.

Again when I confronted him he blamed me for looking at his phone and not trusting him. Says HE wont live like this. That if I cant respect HIS privacy he wants a divorce! When we have these fights he says some horrible things to me, such as, he can go back to her anytime he wants to, that he doesn't know his feelings for me, that I am too controlling, etc. Then when we make up, he says he only said those thing because he was mad. I try to tell him that his words hurt and cause me more insecurity about our marriage! But he doesn't understand that. Then finally, 3 weeks ago he was acting shady with his phone again and I went to look at it and discovered he put a password on it! A password, really?! I confronted him and he said that he told me that he wont have me invading his privacy anymore! I said why cant you just stop doing the things that I keep catching you doing? He says its a "normal guy thing" and he wont stop, that I need to "let the past go and move forward". I tried to explain that I am not living in the past as he keeps saying, that his actions since coming home a year ago have not given me a reason to fully trust him again. Its like he doesn't want me to trust him. Then he goes and locks his phone? How does that build trust!

So it has been 3 weeks of him ignoring me, saying he wants a divorce because I cant move forward and he wont live like a "prisnor" anymore. Nothing I say seems to sink into his thick skull. I love him very much and wish he would understand my feelings. I have continued counceling this entire year to deal with my past, deal with my feelings about his affair and to try to become a strong person emotionally. But it feels like he just doesn't appreciate any of it. He seems angry at me all the time and says such horrible things but twists them into blaming me for everything. He has gone with me to counceling a few times and the Dr even tried to explain to him that it takes time to build trust again and he seems to understand while we are there, but once we leave, he starts his crap again.

He says that he loves me (lol) but wont live like he is being "punished" for the rest of his life. I keep telling him that I am not punishing him. That all I ask is for him to respect my feelings that being cheated on hurts and for him to now look at porn as well as contuine to text the "best friend" all the time and the hurtful things he says when we are fighting and now the locked phone are disrespectful to me. He just keeps saying that Im wrong and insecure, etc. He wont even try to understand. I want our marriage to work because I do love him and we have built a life together and have 2 kids but we keep going through this circle and the only way I see it getting better is for him to see what he is doing and stop! I don't feel that I am doing anything wrong. How can he not see that his actions and divorce threats just further make me feel that he doesn't care about me? I just don't know what else to do.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,642 Posts
Confused...sorry you are here.

First order of business is to edit your post by inserting spaces and creating paragraphs. Most of us have a difficult time reading that wall of text.

Others will be along with good advice:)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,426 Posts
((face palm)) This is so backwards it's tragic. Bottom line. Currently you are more afraid of divorce than your husband and he knows that. Everything he is saying to you is utter crap and you are completely correct in the things you expect of him. Honestly he sounds like a colossal ass.

So what to do? Well IMO the only way to fix this is to call his bluff. Tell him if he doesn't do the things you are asking and show some real remorse you will give him what he apparently wants and divorce him. He may take you up on it he may not. Personally my bet is he'll say, "fine go ahead" or something similar trying to call your bluff, and there's the rub. You can't be bluffing. You have to mean it and be committed to going fully through with it if he doesn't do everything you ask. Only when he is convinced that you will really divorce him is there any chance of getting through to him, and that will take much more than just threatening it.

You will never reason him or nice him into seeing this your way, not in your lifetime. You have to decide if you can live like you are or not, and if not resolve to fix it to your satisfaction or break it trying.

I'm a cheater myself (EA) I can't believe he had the balls to say you should trust him!!! UFB!!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
933 Posts
Confused,

Like Sigma said, your husband is an Ass and is blame-shifting. You need to be strong. You are in the right. He is in the wrong. He may try to mentally overpower you with denial and threats of leaving etc...

Do you wanted to be treated like dirt? Do you deserve it? Demand open honest communications from him. Demand that he do a NC with AP. Be prepared to do the 180 and do it. Expose his relationship. He is the one acting the ass and bringing shame not you. Be strong and be prepared to let go. He may not ever come around and you deserve better.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,781 Posts
((face palm)) This is so backwards it's tragic. Bottom line. Currently you are more afraid of divorce than your husband and he knows that. Everything he is saying to you is utter crap and you are completely correct in the things you expect of him. Honestly he sounds like a colossal ass.

So what to do? Well IMO the only way to fix this is to call his bluff. Tell him if he doesn't do the things you are asking and show some real remorse you will give him what he apparently wants and divorce him. He may take you up on it he may not. Personally my bet is he'll say, "fine go ahead" or something similar trying to call your bluff, and there's the rub. You can't be bluffing. You have to mean it and be committed to going fully through with it if he doesn't do everything you ask. Only when he is convinced that you will really divorce him is there any chance of getting through to him, and that will take much more than just threatening it.

You will never reason him or nice him into seeing this your way, not in your lifetime. You have to decide if you can live like you are or not, and if not resolve to fix it to your satisfaction or break it trying.

I'm a cheater myself (EA) I can't believe he had the balls to say you should trust him!!! UFB!!
:iagree:

Your H has you on the defensive even though he cheated. I wouldn't believe that he's not still cheating.

You should say, "OK. We'll divorce." And you should mean it. Stand up for yourself. It's your life to live, not his to direct.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,357 Posts
He is probably still cheating and will continue as long as he wants. Why you ask well because he is not sorry he cheated in the first place. He feels entitled to cheat.

You are handling this all wrong. Back up- you are never at fault for a cheaters deception. He is shifting the blame onto you and you are helping him. Secondly, if he wants to stay with you, then he has to stop he contact with the girl and the friend. You are better off having bounderies and self- respect than to have this low life drag you on your face.

He is unrepentant and will continue to hurt you because you allow it. You need a better therapist. No was shoukd an abuse survived be begging a cheater to stop hurting her. Stand up for you. You have the power so take it.

You are not a helpless child anymore. You are a worthwhile woman and deserve respect and love. You have to walk in that belief. First thing kick his azz out. If he does not beg to come back and truly atone proceed with divorce.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
30,643 Posts
He is probably still cheating and will continue as long as he wants. Why you ask well because he is not sorry he cheated in the first place. He feels entitled to cheat.

You are handling this all wrong. Back up- you are never at fault for a cheaters deception. He is shifting the blame onto you and you are helping him. Secondly, if he wants to stay with you, then he has to stop he contact with the girl and the friend. You are better off having bounderies and self- respect than to have this low life drag you on your face.

He is unrepentant and will continue to hurt you because you allow it. You need a better therapist. No was shoukd an abuse survived be begging a cheater to stop hurting her. Stand up for you. You have the power so take it.

You are not a helpless child anymore. You are a worthwhile woman and deserve respect and love. You have to walk in that belief. First thing kick his azz out. If he does not beg to come back and truly atone proceed with divorce.
Posted via Mobile Device
My wife had an affair and I had a revenge affair. As a result. But I owned my actions. She did not make me have an affair. Your husband needs to own his actions.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I have asked him to leave but he says its his house too and I can't make him go. That is true, unless he starts beating me, he has the legal right to stay. My therpist is very good. He has helped me find value in myself. And care about how I am being treated. Standing up for myself. I feel I am doing this. He is totally shifting all blame on me. Blame for cheating, blame for finding porn on his phone, blame for hurting at his actions. I see this, he doesn't. He tells everyone that I'm living in the past and spins it around on me. I'm scared of divorce, yes. Because I do not make much money and I know I will lose my home. My kids will suffer. And that kills me. I wish he could see what he is doing...25 years down the drain. My head knows I'm right but my heart is sooo broken.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
490 Posts
STOP-STOP-STOP-STOP! Hello, I am calm. I am saying this in a calm voice. Your husband had sex with the other woman because
Wait for it!
He- Wanted- To! That is the real reason, nothing that you ever did or said , had ANYTHING to do with it! PERIOD! STOP listening to his BS!
Look, file for DIVORCE, have him served, do not talk to him untill you are really ready, and then see what you want to do. Good Day David
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,149 Posts
You can threaten to take half his stuff. More if you live in a fault divorce state. Unfortunately you look like you have 2 hideous choices.

1. He gets away with affair and WILL do it again.
2. You threaten divorce and it sounds like will take you up on your offer.

IT IS NEVER the fault of the BS for an affair. The correct order in life if you spouse is lousy is divorce them first. Then you are free to bang anyone you want.

Sorry you are here. Wish there was a pretty answer.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,781 Posts
You say your head knows what to do but your heart is broken and is stopping you.

You have no happy choices, though. Anything you do will result in a broken heart. He has broken it and continues to break it & if you stay that won't change. If you leave him, it will be broken for a while, but you will start to feel empowered and you will eventually heal.

If you face up to the fact that no matter what you do there will be pain for you, then you can choose the path that makes you whole in the long run, which is leaving him. You will not starve or live without a roof over your head if you divorce. You should go to a lawyer now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
723 Posts
Your husband is not remorseful at all for HIS affair. It was HIS affair, HIS choice. You did not drag him kicking & screaming to another woman. You did not force him to seek affection elsewhere. He CHOSE to look outside your marriage rather than talk to you about what he was feeling.

It is a bunch of croc that he is blaming you for his choices. I know it is hard to think of being on your own, it is hard to get your head around how you would survive, but it can be done.

You cannot stay with an unrepentant cheater, he will do it again & again, eventually, he will leave you for another woman. It is best that you be in control of the situation, get legal advice, make some plans & hit him with the divorce papers.

Don't think of it as 25 years down the drain, think of what you have learnt during that time, think of the kids you have, think of the strength you have gained and the knowledge of yourself that you have. You could live many more years, you don't want to do that shackled to an unrepentant cheater who blameshifts onto you.

In the book, 'His Needs, Her Needs', the author suggests separation if a husband is unrepentant after cheating as it destroys a woman to live with that. I cannot offer you advice on how to leave as I don't know what country or region you are in, but you can probably find information on the internet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
190 Posts
Your husband is blaming you for him f*cking his best friends girlfriend. WOW! Blame-shifting at it's finest.

Your husband hasn't faced any consequences for his betrayal. He still has you, his best friend, his privacy, and he can go back to OW anytime he chooses.

Your are in false R. Until he becomes accountable and transparent, there is no hope for your marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
I think he is still cheating.

There is alot of red flags...especially the PW on the phone.

He sounds like my H when he was cheating and I think he doesnt beleive he is doing anything wrong.

I f he will never take responsibilty and always trys to turn it onto you it shows that he just doesnt care about you. He is selfish.

I think D is your best bet....dont waste years of your life being un happy, unloved and un appreciated.

You deserve to be loved and respected.

Make yourself strong

Good luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
Its nice to hear someone say that he is wrong.
:rofl:

Nope, just joking a little bit.
You are right, many times the way waywards behave in the aftermath is way worse than the infidelity itself. People can screw up, even royaly, but putting the blame on your feet after backstabbing you is so shocking that sometimes we doubt our perceptions an sanity.
You are not to blame. Repeat it.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
430 Posts
He checked out. The true test will be when you check out for good. He just will have to ride the karma bus on his own. You are cushioning him from it. I know how you feel. Been exactly there.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
1 - 20 of 106 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top