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Hi. I am new to these boards and I need some advice on what to do in my marriage.

I have been married 13 1/2 years and we have 3 wonderful children. :D

I haven't been happy in my marriage for the last few years and this is something that I have told my husband. I am in a sexless, emotionally disconnected marriage. I feel as though he doesn't treat me as a wife should be treated. We don't have date nights, we are not emotionally connected, he tells me he loves me but because he has no action to back it up (ex.cards, sm. gifts, take me to dinner and a movie, etc.) I just don't believe him. This situation we have struggled with for the past 3 yrs. I feel like he takes me and what I do for our children for granted. I have talked with him about this and his response is always I will change, it will be different this time I promise. Of course that never happens. I love him but I am starting to resent him and his empty promises. I have also told him that I am starting to resent him and he said he didn't want me to feel this way about him and that he would change. That was 3 months ago and have things changed NO! :mad: I just want to feel special and loved by him and I dont feel that at all. I have no idea how to change this.

He doesn't talk with me either. When I try to talk with him he says I am pressuring him to talk and when I do that he can't think of anything to talk about. I told him I would love to know his likes/dislikes, how he sees the future etc. He has no idea what to say to me. :( Really I am your wife for goodness sake!

I am still young and I have told him I will not live this way my whole life. I feel like I will bide my time until my kids get older and then I am out of here. I have even told him that I have gone so far as to look for apartments and did that phase him NOPE!

Also, he has allowed his parents to walk all over us. His mother, oh where do I start, gives my kids hot dogs for breakfast, talks with them about inappropriate things, took my 7 yr. old out and bought her a bra, (she didnt even need one) yelled at me in front of my kids, you name it she's done it! He just finally a year ago stood up to his parents and told them they could not treat us that way anymore. AHHHHHH!!!! The whole family is crazy!!

I just don't know where to turn. I just want to feel loved and I don't feel that from him. I have totally disconnected from him and put walls up because I am scared of getting hurt. Plus all the empty promises haven't helped any either. I just dont believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Please help!
 

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Communication is vital to any successful relationship. Without, there is no way things can progress, nothing can get done.

Is there any tipping point that you recognize where he changed, i.e., is there some event where he started to NOT care?

It sounds like he comes from a rather dysfunctional family. What happens if you lay out your demands, i.e., that he treat you well, respects you, takes you out on a date once a week, etc? He sounds like he doesn't have or see any basic rules or requirements to maintain and grow relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
It may have changed when we had our last baby. We had 3 babies in 3 1/2 yrs. The last one I think may have sent him over the edge a little bit.

Yes, his entire family is dysfunctional - his mom, sister, and grandma all have mental issues. His sister is still 30 and lives at home rent free and is not responsible for any house work. His dad is very controlling of his mom, him, and he tries to control my family but that is not going to happen. I feel like my husband doesn't have a back bone and he so needs one! Nothing happens if I lay out my demands with him. He just tries to turn it around on me and say well, my needs aren't met either. He's right his needs are not met but he is not trying to figure out why either. He would avoid talking to me about it like the plague because it would cause a confrontation and he hates that.

He doesn't have basic anything when it comes to relationships. He is very laid back and passive so he doesn't care to figure it out either. I have gone so far as to send him information about what women need (hint, hint) and it does nothing!
 

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There are many ways you can rebuild attraction with your partner and get them emotionally engaged with you. However, the first question is, do you really want to stay in this marriage? If so, why?
Your needs are clearly not being met.
Ask yourself what your life needs to look like for you to be truly happy and then ask yourself honestly whether you can see that being with your present husband.
Whatever you come up with, have the courage to act. Despite what others may say to you, the best example you can give to your children is to have the courage to be honest with yourself and to pursue your own happiness.
 

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Oh my, this sounds like my story even down to his difunctional family.

I am sorry to say, I stuck it out for 28 years and now that I am 49, I am living on my own, 10 months separated.

i tried everything to make it work; holding hands, romantic dinners, date night, weekend getaways, Sunday morning conversations over coffee. Nothing seemed to work for him, I just could not figure out what made him tick. Emotions, wants, needs, desires, I couldn't get it out of him.

I can't give you any good advice. All I know is that I stayed for the kids, and now that they are on their own I can now live my life and unfortunately I had to let him go. I love my H but there has to be more than Sports, TV, Computer and work.

Good luck and stay strong. This forum is wonderful, the words of advice and wisdom from the supporters has helped me so much.
 

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He is lazy. There is no effort. I suggest this. Tell him exactly what you want.

I need something thoughtful. Go get me a card.

I want a gift. Go get me my favorite candy bar.

My wife does this about 6 times a year and I love it and we get a good laugh.

Then she says next time do it without my asking.

I got the hint and its fun now.

I love the reaction. Happiness and affection.

Works for us
 
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