I recently discovered TAM, while continuing to work on R and I was impressed by the useful advice on this forum. I will try to to make it as succinct as possible. D-Day was in late September, but I didn't realize the utility of online marriage forums, until I found TAM.
Background Facts: 1) Married 21 years.
2) First marriage for both of us.
3) Three kids, in college or post-college. None at home, except one for Covid sheltering.
4) Never had any real marital problems, very compatible. We have always been very close, solid and deeply in love. We receive compliments about our marriage, friendship, etc..
5) Wife likes to provide a "shoulder to cry on" to people in need. She would have made a great therapist in another life. She has several close divorced friends, but they tell her things like, "Does (insert my name) have a twin brother" and they always seem supportive of our marriage.
6) We both work reasonably close to home. No work required travel for her. Very occasional travel for me.
7) Wife is on Facebook, loves to text and talk on the phone. I am more private and don't participate in social media.
8) Wife is five years older than me. We are both in good physical shape and exercise, watch our diets, etc..
9) All in all, I have always considered us to be very fortunate.
What Happened:
Wife left iPhone unplugged in the kitchen at bedtime and asked me to go downstairs and plug it in. As I picked up the phone, a text from her grad school (31 yrs ago) boyfriend popped up, with the words "What R U doing?". I went upstairs and casually mentioned that I wasn't tired, so I was going to watch a mindless guy flick for a while. I checked the text thread and saw that they had been in communication for the past 11 months, but not intensely. They were headed for marriage long ago, but he broke up with her and it took her "4 to 5 years" in her own words to completely get over him. He has been divorced twice and lives with a long-time girlfriend. They were not Facebook friends, but he had looked at a few pictures and said that she looked great. They alluded to emails that had been sent back and forth from her work email address. Two months earlier, his mother had died and he had told my wife because she knew her many years ago. He said, "I wanted you to know, because I still care so much about you and want that connection". She responded with, "I wish I could hug you, so I am sending a virtual hug", followed by three heart emojis. She also sent a few face blowing kisses emojis, with a few kind words about his departed mother.
I decided to check our cell phone provider's call log, to see if they had been talking. We don't have a landline. I didn't find any phone calls to him, but I found a 64 minute and a 75 minute phone call to an unknown phone number. I then checked texts and found over 1,300 texts in the last 25 days to the same number. I reverse searched this mystery number and found a name in a far away state. She always stays logged into Facebook on our kitchen iMac, but she uses the Facebook app on her iPhone mostly. I checked his name on her Facebook friends list and found a message thread dating back 29 days. When I read the thread, I saw that it was a guy who she had met for only 4 days at a resort, during a vacation between high school and college (35 yrs ago). They talked about running around together, "smooching" and avoiding their parents. They exchanged about 150 FB messages before talking about continuing with texts, emails (she gave her work address) and phone calls. I checked her iPhone and found that all texts had been deleted, along with the call records of the two long phone calls. Her phone had less than 1% memory remaining, so DrFone and two other programs didn't work. She doesn't do iTunes back-ups and oddly, she didn't have an iCloud back-up either. I am fairly tech savvy, but so is she. He is married with grown kids (2nd marriage for both of them).
She was fast asleep (deep sleeper), so I worked through the night, playing the part of an amateur detective. I found a FB message thread to a guy from her high school class who she she dated just once, who was blatantly flirting with her. He is also married with grown children. He said thing like, "Saw your latest FB pics, you look so cute. Sweet dreams my sweet friend", "You look hot in that sweater", "We should have dated more in HS, but I figured that you didn't approve of bad boys like me". Their FB messages started 12 months earlier and most of his "sweet", "cute", "hot", "very cute" comments were from the first six months. He did say in the spring that he may be coming to our city for a short training course and he would "love to meet for lunch or dinner". My wife responded that, "lunch would be better". No mention of me and no mention of his wife. No further mention of a real life meeting, so it appeared that he didn't come to our city.
I prepared everything and confronted on what was fortunately a Saturday morning with everything, after I poured her a cup of freshly brewed coffee. God knows, I sure needed the caffeine. She began to cry and said some things that will sound very predictable to all of you.
1) "We are just friends". (Yeah, right)
2) "I only love you". (I hope so)
3) "You are younger and much better looking than any of these men". (Looks mean far less to women than men)
4) "I am so sorry". (Repeated through tears, endlessly)
I asked her to login to her work email, so I could read the emails. The emails from grad school boyfriend were permanently deleted, but end of summer resort friend were intact. They followed the usual script (somebody in an earlier thread laid out the progression from "their lives since they parted" onward). She said only good things about me, but mentioned that she was hiding the communication from me, since I wouldn't like it. She said, "I wouldn't be happy if old girlfriends of (my name) showed up". She didn't say anything romantic to him, but gave a couple of compliments. He is an now clean alcoholic, drug abuser, sex addict, who related his very twisted past. He mentioned orgies, drug dealing, college expulsion, etc.. He got his life together eventually and said that he had friend requested her to thank for being there all those years ago. But, he also went on and on about how beautiful, intelligent, kind, sweet, driven she was and how she was his perfect dream girl. He said that nobody (including his first wife) compared to her until he met his current wife, 17 years later. He also said several times on FB messenger and in the emails that he comes to our city "frequently" and he really, really needs to "see her face and look into her eyes".
Synopsis:
Man #1: Grad school boyfriend. First real love. She wanted to marry him, but he dumped her. Secret communication behind my back, but he seems very happy with his live in girlfriend. Wanted to let my wife know that "he still cares so much for her". He has been successful professionally, but divorced twice, with another child out of wedlock. Nothing sexual said and no stated plans to meet. Text communication and emails to her work address.
Man #2: Brief end of high school fun. Tracks her down on FB and loves bombs her. Nothing sexual said, but no man pours that much effort into only getting their ego stroked. Said many times, how his wife is so great, but can't seem to get enough of my wife. FB messenger, texts, phone calls and emails to her work address.
Man #3: One date in HS. FB friends, along with a large number of her HS classmates. Flirting from him to her, with her responding only a bit. Probably does this a lot, fishing for affairs.
I got a bit emotional briefly, then pulled my sleep deprived self together and told her what she needed to do for our marriage to survive.
1) No contact with all three of them. Unfriend the two that are on FB.
2) NC letter to #2, who was the bulk of the communication.
3) Full transparency from this point onward.
4) Told her if she had done anything like this in the past, now is the time to put her "cards on the table". She insisted that she was feeling lonely and vulnerable (she had a very serious illness earlier in the year, but she had an excellent recovery) and she enjoyed the attention and compliments. She swears that nothing every happened in the past.
We went to MC for three sessions, but I found that the therapist couldn't really tell me anything that wasn't common sense and my WW felt the same way.
The reason that I am here today.
1) Advice from people who have experienced similar situations. I read some threads that seem very familiar. Should I get a VAR for her car? She has returned to being the perfect wife, since that hellish night, but I am having problems returning to full trust.
2) Are they some things in the past 21 years that I should be thinking about? By that I mean potential red flags that I missed. I think that she was honest in the past and the Sept. 2018 to Sept. 2019 period was an anomaly, but I wonder. The MC did ask if I was a "suspicious person" and I responded that if I was, I would have figured everything out as soon as she started communicating with scumbag #1 in Sept. 2018. I guess that I am now a "suspicious person".
3) I want nothing other than to spend the rest of my life with the women that I love, but I will not hesitate to file for divorce if she ever does anything like this again. In her own words, "You have never given me a moment of doubt. I guess that I have failed you in that regard". She only gets one strike (although three pitchers were pitching).
Thank you in advance for your responses and advice.
Background Facts: 1) Married 21 years.
2) First marriage for both of us.
3) Three kids, in college or post-college. None at home, except one for Covid sheltering.
4) Never had any real marital problems, very compatible. We have always been very close, solid and deeply in love. We receive compliments about our marriage, friendship, etc..
5) Wife likes to provide a "shoulder to cry on" to people in need. She would have made a great therapist in another life. She has several close divorced friends, but they tell her things like, "Does (insert my name) have a twin brother" and they always seem supportive of our marriage.
6) We both work reasonably close to home. No work required travel for her. Very occasional travel for me.
7) Wife is on Facebook, loves to text and talk on the phone. I am more private and don't participate in social media.
8) Wife is five years older than me. We are both in good physical shape and exercise, watch our diets, etc..
9) All in all, I have always considered us to be very fortunate.
What Happened:
Wife left iPhone unplugged in the kitchen at bedtime and asked me to go downstairs and plug it in. As I picked up the phone, a text from her grad school (31 yrs ago) boyfriend popped up, with the words "What R U doing?". I went upstairs and casually mentioned that I wasn't tired, so I was going to watch a mindless guy flick for a while. I checked the text thread and saw that they had been in communication for the past 11 months, but not intensely. They were headed for marriage long ago, but he broke up with her and it took her "4 to 5 years" in her own words to completely get over him. He has been divorced twice and lives with a long-time girlfriend. They were not Facebook friends, but he had looked at a few pictures and said that she looked great. They alluded to emails that had been sent back and forth from her work email address. Two months earlier, his mother had died and he had told my wife because she knew her many years ago. He said, "I wanted you to know, because I still care so much about you and want that connection". She responded with, "I wish I could hug you, so I am sending a virtual hug", followed by three heart emojis. She also sent a few face blowing kisses emojis, with a few kind words about his departed mother.
I decided to check our cell phone provider's call log, to see if they had been talking. We don't have a landline. I didn't find any phone calls to him, but I found a 64 minute and a 75 minute phone call to an unknown phone number. I then checked texts and found over 1,300 texts in the last 25 days to the same number. I reverse searched this mystery number and found a name in a far away state. She always stays logged into Facebook on our kitchen iMac, but she uses the Facebook app on her iPhone mostly. I checked his name on her Facebook friends list and found a message thread dating back 29 days. When I read the thread, I saw that it was a guy who she had met for only 4 days at a resort, during a vacation between high school and college (35 yrs ago). They talked about running around together, "smooching" and avoiding their parents. They exchanged about 150 FB messages before talking about continuing with texts, emails (she gave her work address) and phone calls. I checked her iPhone and found that all texts had been deleted, along with the call records of the two long phone calls. Her phone had less than 1% memory remaining, so DrFone and two other programs didn't work. She doesn't do iTunes back-ups and oddly, she didn't have an iCloud back-up either. I am fairly tech savvy, but so is she. He is married with grown kids (2nd marriage for both of them).
She was fast asleep (deep sleeper), so I worked through the night, playing the part of an amateur detective. I found a FB message thread to a guy from her high school class who she she dated just once, who was blatantly flirting with her. He is also married with grown children. He said thing like, "Saw your latest FB pics, you look so cute. Sweet dreams my sweet friend", "You look hot in that sweater", "We should have dated more in HS, but I figured that you didn't approve of bad boys like me". Their FB messages started 12 months earlier and most of his "sweet", "cute", "hot", "very cute" comments were from the first six months. He did say in the spring that he may be coming to our city for a short training course and he would "love to meet for lunch or dinner". My wife responded that, "lunch would be better". No mention of me and no mention of his wife. No further mention of a real life meeting, so it appeared that he didn't come to our city.
I prepared everything and confronted on what was fortunately a Saturday morning with everything, after I poured her a cup of freshly brewed coffee. God knows, I sure needed the caffeine. She began to cry and said some things that will sound very predictable to all of you.
1) "We are just friends". (Yeah, right)
2) "I only love you". (I hope so)
3) "You are younger and much better looking than any of these men". (Looks mean far less to women than men)
4) "I am so sorry". (Repeated through tears, endlessly)
I asked her to login to her work email, so I could read the emails. The emails from grad school boyfriend were permanently deleted, but end of summer resort friend were intact. They followed the usual script (somebody in an earlier thread laid out the progression from "their lives since they parted" onward). She said only good things about me, but mentioned that she was hiding the communication from me, since I wouldn't like it. She said, "I wouldn't be happy if old girlfriends of (my name) showed up". She didn't say anything romantic to him, but gave a couple of compliments. He is an now clean alcoholic, drug abuser, sex addict, who related his very twisted past. He mentioned orgies, drug dealing, college expulsion, etc.. He got his life together eventually and said that he had friend requested her to thank for being there all those years ago. But, he also went on and on about how beautiful, intelligent, kind, sweet, driven she was and how she was his perfect dream girl. He said that nobody (including his first wife) compared to her until he met his current wife, 17 years later. He also said several times on FB messenger and in the emails that he comes to our city "frequently" and he really, really needs to "see her face and look into her eyes".
Synopsis:
Man #1: Grad school boyfriend. First real love. She wanted to marry him, but he dumped her. Secret communication behind my back, but he seems very happy with his live in girlfriend. Wanted to let my wife know that "he still cares so much for her". He has been successful professionally, but divorced twice, with another child out of wedlock. Nothing sexual said and no stated plans to meet. Text communication and emails to her work address.
Man #2: Brief end of high school fun. Tracks her down on FB and loves bombs her. Nothing sexual said, but no man pours that much effort into only getting their ego stroked. Said many times, how his wife is so great, but can't seem to get enough of my wife. FB messenger, texts, phone calls and emails to her work address.
Man #3: One date in HS. FB friends, along with a large number of her HS classmates. Flirting from him to her, with her responding only a bit. Probably does this a lot, fishing for affairs.
I got a bit emotional briefly, then pulled my sleep deprived self together and told her what she needed to do for our marriage to survive.
1) No contact with all three of them. Unfriend the two that are on FB.
2) NC letter to #2, who was the bulk of the communication.
3) Full transparency from this point onward.
4) Told her if she had done anything like this in the past, now is the time to put her "cards on the table". She insisted that she was feeling lonely and vulnerable (she had a very serious illness earlier in the year, but she had an excellent recovery) and she enjoyed the attention and compliments. She swears that nothing every happened in the past.
We went to MC for three sessions, but I found that the therapist couldn't really tell me anything that wasn't common sense and my WW felt the same way.
The reason that I am here today.
1) Advice from people who have experienced similar situations. I read some threads that seem very familiar. Should I get a VAR for her car? She has returned to being the perfect wife, since that hellish night, but I am having problems returning to full trust.
2) Are they some things in the past 21 years that I should be thinking about? By that I mean potential red flags that I missed. I think that she was honest in the past and the Sept. 2018 to Sept. 2019 period was an anomaly, but I wonder. The MC did ask if I was a "suspicious person" and I responded that if I was, I would have figured everything out as soon as she started communicating with scumbag #1 in Sept. 2018. I guess that I am now a "suspicious person".
3) I want nothing other than to spend the rest of my life with the women that I love, but I will not hesitate to file for divorce if she ever does anything like this again. In her own words, "You have never given me a moment of doubt. I guess that I have failed you in that regard". She only gets one strike (although three pitchers were pitching).
Thank you in advance for your responses and advice.