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Just need some perspective,

My wife an I were married last August went on our honeymoon and when we got back i went to pay the cell bill. I happen to be looking through it to try and figure out how to maybe cut some costs and while scrolling through the bill i came across a number that caught my eye because it was from way out of state. i looked through the bill and this number kept coming up over and over in my new wives calls. i did a free cell look up and it turned out it was a number that belonged to a doctor she works with. Needless to say i was beside myself. i confronted her that morning and she had nothing to say. When i could get myself to look i saw that there were hours of calls in the middle of the night and all throughout the day. She claimed she was having work issues and this guy was just someone she could talk to about it. Now, I'm not a fool and of course i don't buy it. Two of the calls were while i was out of town and for hours at a time, She swears it was only calls and nothing more. Now the part i need some perspective on...I can't get over it fully and she has not changed anything nor done anything to make be feel like this was over and it was not going on still behind my back. The part i really need to understand is her idea that have have blown this way out of proportion and that she explained it and if i can't just hear her she doesn't now what else to do. Trust me I'm am no fool and this marriage is coming to an end. I guess what i want to now is..Am i crazy? would other people have been ok with this? I feel like not many people would have been. Any advice you have would be helpful.
 

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A tell-tale question. Was she talking to this person while on your honeymoon? Right now all the evidence you have is phone bills. Are there any texts? Unless you know for sure what was said on these calls then you are assuming the worst. Assuming is not a good reason for ending a relationship. I would be on the phone with this man demanding to know what they were talking about so much. Tell him all you want is the truth. If he gives you the truth then what happens next will only be between you and her. If he lies and you find out you will do your best to burn his world to the ground. All you want is the truth. I do wish you well.
 

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well she is an Iphone user so i can not get the texts off of my bill if she uses the iphone msg. i did not have the heart to look at the time we were on our honeymoon but i did see that the day we got back, when she "had to run to the store" she called him for 45 min. I told her about that call and she just wanted to "let him know how the trip went. The first 2 calls that caught my attention were for hours at a time in the middle of the night. I did text him, and as soon as i did i can see he was on the phone with her and texting me and still their stories did not match up
 

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If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and waddles like a duck..... guess what ?

There is absolutely no reason for you to believe that it is a swan or a goose. Don't waste one more minute of your life trying to probe around, playing PI, etc. Life is too short for that crap.

No, I would definitely not be "ok" with it. And, I agree with you, you aren't a fool. You fully know what is going on. And, you don't need any "proof". Let your wife bring the "proof".....if she wants to save her marriage.

Tell your wife ONCE, in no uncertain terms, in the form of a DEMAND, that she will fully and completely stop communicating to him, forever, beginning right now, and apply herself to fixing her marriage..... that is, if she wants to have a marriage tomorrow..... and that she will PROVE to you over the next 2 years, that there has been no further contact in any form.

If she has to quit her job in order to comply with your demand, so be it. There are consequences to what we do in life.

Remind her of her solemn promise, the one she made before God and witnesses, that she would "keep herself only unto" you for as long as she lives. Tell her that you expected that promise to begin at the moment she said it, and that you will accept no less than a full rendition of it, now, and as long as she wants to remain your wife.
 

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A wakeup Bell has rung, now you need to understand this was on going even while you were dating. And now a book you need to read is ...

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Book by Jean Coppock Staeheli and Shirley Glass

This will shed light on other instances of her possible betrayal. I don't know if I would personally give it two years of your life. But it's out and it could go underground. I don't believe the other dude will be upfront with morals either. All this is up to you and she shows no true and real remorse, watch her mood and if she gets depressed or other traits of abandonment. It was and is more than you know. Sorry your here.
 
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People with nothing to hide - hide nothing.

SAVE your phone bill records in a safe place.

IS the OM married? If so, notify his wife. Why? because the OBS is your best ally. Do not warn your wife in advance because she will warn the OM and he will discredit you.
 

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I'm sorry you're here. Usually the more information you supply, the more targeted and useful the advice.

When caught, cheaters only admit to what they think you know (they never admit to more). And they go into damage control by minimizing (we just talked) or attacking you (you're unreasonably jealous).

Can you tell who initiated the calls?

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your newly wed wife's secret relationship and secret communication with the OM fails. As a married woman, she has no right to private secret communication behind your back. Spouses are 100% responsible for avoiding suspicious behavior. She destroyed your trust and it's 100% up to her to fix this.

It is not appropriate for her to expect you to trust her or give her another chance.

She should be traumatized (every day in every way) at the thought that she may have destroyed her marriage.
Did she admit her behavior was inappropriate?
Did she apologize to you (e.g., daily)?
Has she told she how happy she is to be married and why she's happy to be married to you?
What is she doing to restore your trust?

This is the easy fun part of marriage where she should be 100% into her husband. IMO, this is a big fail that justifies reconsidering staying married to her.

She won't take you serious unless she believes you will divorce (bluff if necessary) rather than tolerate secrets or any further contact with the OM. The secret nature of their communication contaminated the 'we're just friends' excuse and therefore she must agree to NC. INSIST THAT SHE FIND ANOTHER EMPLOYER>

You can't forgive what you don't know. And what you do know is enough to destroy trust.

Insist she provide you with a timeline of the calls and the topics discussed - subject to a polygraph test. Why? because just the prospect of facing a polygraph encourages full disclosure and discourages lies. It doesn't matter is if you think the test is accurate - it only matters that she thinks you do (bluff is necessary).
 

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But you already stated the obvious....
" but i did see that the day we got back, when she "had to run to the store" she called him for 45 min. I told her about that call and she just wanted to "let him know how the trip went. "
Why in the HELL did HE have to know about your freakin' trip. Couldn't it wait till she was in work? Like everyone else that is sane? NOT! Gaslighting and blameshifting to ensue.....
 

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Darrell,

You wrote, I guess what i want to now is..Am i crazy? would other people have been ok with this? I feel like not many people would have been.

I would never be right with this, and three times never during my honeymoon.

What I suspect is that your WW was in a long or medium term affair with this married man before you.

The affair tapered off, perhaps, as she dated and then married you, however it remained an emotional affair which the OM kept burning, waiting his time until you have marital problems. In my experience doctors are really good at affairs and picking affair partners.

What I would do now, gather up all your evidence and put it in a safe place your WW can't get to.

Go silent and snoop on your WW and the doctor if you can, hire a PI if you can afford it,

As others have suggested timeline and then polygraph.

Your WW is a classic cake eater wants to have a work husband and a legal husband too.

Your WW might also tell you some wild stories when corned expect that, like that the doctor is actually gay or impotent and she is being supportive, also expect to hear about what a beastly cruel person the doctors wife is.

Sorry this set up is very common.
 

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Yeah, this is at the very LEAST an EA but very easily could have been a PA while she "worked" with him. Honestly, I would NOT allow this to go on, or she would face the required consequences.

Look you have been married for only a short time -- you should be in the honeymoon phase of your marriage, and HER doing this -- that's NOT respectful, NOT "honeymoon phase" AT ALL. I would contact HIS wife and let her know this is going on.

If you can get a hold of her phone, DO that -- you may be unpleasantly surprised at what you find. If she talks on the phone, do you know WHERE she does that?

Purchase a few VAR's (voice activated recorders) and put them where she would talk with him -- in the car, another room, the kitchen, bedroom, etc.. DO NOT tell her you are doing this, and you can't use any recordings for any legal purpose -- just for your own information.
 

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Thank you all for your advice, at least i know i am not crazy. My plan at this point is to get a VAR to protect myself and then let her know that i need her to give me proof, show me all texts and chats with him or i get a lawyer tomorrow
 

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Don't even think about having kids until you have fully investigated her relationship with the OM - and given yourself plenty of time to decide whether you want her as your life partner (and mother of your children).

At this point, based on her secret communication and defensive behavior when confronted, do not give her the benefit of any doubt. It's 100% her responsibility to convince you beyond any doubt that she wasn't cheating with him during your engagement or after your marriage. Clearly, she didn't pick you - because she continued contact during your trip.

If she can't prove there was no infidelity, then in order to protect yourself you should assume that at a minimum she has strong feelings for the OM - and you should therefore consider divorce.
 

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Thank you all for your advice, at least i know i am not crazy. My plan at this point is to get a VAR to protect myself and then let her know that i need her to give me proof, show me all texts and chats with him or i get a lawyer tomorrow
No that is a mistake. You need to do what someone posted above which is, save your evidence, and go into detective mode.

Anything that you confront her with, at this point, will be explained with a lie, which you have already seen. Cheaters only admint what you can prove. So you need more evidence...

Hire a PI if you can...

Or you could just divorce now, because frankly, this women is trying ot take you for a ride, and not a good ride.
 

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Thank you all for your advice, at least i know i am not crazy. My plan at this point is to get a VAR to protect myself and then let her know that i need her to give me proof, show me all texts and chats with him or i get a lawyer tomorrow
It is now in her court. Your wife is busy deleting suspect messages. This will now go underground.
 

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Yeah, DO NOT let her know about the VAR's. KEEP all the records you have now so she can't delete anything. I do bet she is trying to clean up messages, FB, etc. of anything to do with this so you won't get any concrete evidence.
YOU can confront her at any time, but for your OWN sake, get some clarity -- and waiting a few days to get anything from a VAR may help you do that.

GET her phone -- don't ask her for it -- do you know her PW to get in? Even if you have to wake during the night, try to see if you can get a look before she can delete everything (although it MAY be too late...)
 

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She will also inform the doctor who will also go into evidence destruction, coverup and denial mode.

Do not allow her to sweet talk or sex bomb you into rugsweeping, the prize for allowing this is to live your life with liar you never trust out of your sight.

You might rebuild your marriage from a new base of truth and transparency but even then it will be alot of work, and much more work if her heart is not in it.

Never erase your evidence, many here have had spouses who years later deny anything at all happened, and it makes the betrayed spouse question their own sanity.
 

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One downside of confronting too early (i.e., where you don't eye witness proof of sex) is that they go underground.
You can bet there will be no further phone calls now that she knows there's a record.

Don't believe that your 'talk' will scare them into stopping their affair. The lengthy calls and their timing already walk all over normal boundaries & respect for marriage. They will now communicate entirely by text (and immediately delete each incriminating text but leave the innocent texts) or meet face to face.

What you can do is:
1 - notify his wife (without warning anyone). Once exposed, if he's married with kids he will dump your wife.
2 - immediately insist that she change jobs (makes contact more difficult),
3 - zero contact (not even being in the same building),
4 - consider providing a copy of the calls to the hospital HR. This isn't a court of law and most hospitals frown on their behavior, and
5- have her sign a post nup
6- insist on a polygraph (just to encourage the truth)
 
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