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Okay...venturing out along a road lined with IEDs and into a MINE FIELD. My wife is putting on weight. I don't like it. What can I do?

She's 58, 5'2" and was 130 when we married 6 years ago. Curvy in the right places and comfortable. Now, her tummy sticks out further than her chest and she's waddling. I'm guessing she's put on 30-40 pounds.

I'm a member of a gym and I regularly ask her to join me. Not a fanatic, but I go every other day and for a 69 year old guy, am in pretty good shape 33 in waist and 44 in chest, 5'10" and 175.

Aside from appearance, it's unhealthy--her mother and one sister are diabetics.

So, how to bring this up without getting that "daggers of death" stare?
 

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Good evening
First, be honest with yourself, is she unhealthy or unattractive?

If she really is at an unhealthy weight, then it is reasonable for you to suggest that she get exercise. Might there be something she would enjoy more than the gym? Long walks together can be nice and do provide a reasonable amount of exercise.

If she is just unattractive, that is trickier. I think people should try to stay in shape in a marriage, but to be honest most don't.
 

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It's a delicate subject, but it is an important one. Even if your concern is her appearance and your attraction to her, there are real and valid medical issues that should concern you both. Exercise will help, and doing it together is a big plus. However, the real issue is probably her diet, and exercise will not burn off sufficient calories to result in weight loss. It's possible that exercise will even increase her appetite, leading to a net weight gain! Moderate exercise and a better diet may give the best results. How about Weight Watchers?
 

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I agree with Lila it is a tough issue because of her age. BUT it is not just an aesthetic issue it is a health issue and as her spouse you have a right to voice your concern.

I would tell her you are concerned for her weight and offer to send her to a personal trainer. It is better to address it at 30-40 pounds than 75+ like many men who post about this issue are facing.

Be kind and offer support, by eating healthy with her, not keeping junk in the house, asking her to go for a walk daily, buy a couples gym membership...
 

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No advice really, except to say tread very lightly! And remember she knows she's gained weight. So if you decide to discuss it with her, don't act like she doesn't know.

Good luck.
 

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How is your marriage other than this issue? Sometimes weight gain is about something else, such as an excuse to avoid intimacy either through developing body issues or deflecting your attraction and desire for sex. If there is a relationship issue involved, I think you'll need to solve that before making much progress with this one.
 

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My wife was overweight several years ago, and after we got back from a vacation, she was horrified at how she looked in our pictures. She then went on Jenny Craig and exercised, and lost almost 50 lbs - she looked great and got lots of compliments.

Now she's put the weight back on, and is always complaining how she hates her appearance. Think she's going to make a move to get back on track, but easier said than done.

To get to the OP's point, diet is a big part of losing weight. Make sure your wife stays on a plan and eats reasonably. Exercise is big as well, but diet is the main issue.
 

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My mother said that she lost a lot of weight after my father died. She no longer had to keep unhealthy food around (my father's favorites) or handle food when in fact she was not hungry herself.

So.... it may help if you try not to keep unhealthy food around the house (without announcing your intent) and perhaps try to steer her in the direction of eating habits that will help her to lose weight.

I accept that it doesn't work for everyone but it's worth a try.
 

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Same reason we grab an ice cream cone or a few cookies even though our pants don't fit well anymore.

Lack of self control.

Need for immediate gratification.

Denial as to how unhealthy and out of shape we are.
There are many more.

Like shame, self loathing, depression, anxiety...

Hell, I know a woman who put on weight when married just so other guys would stop coming on to her.
 

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Same reason we grab an ice cream cone or a few cookies even though our pants don't fit well anymore.

Lack of self control.

Need for immediate gratification.

Denial as to how unhealthy and out of shape we are.
+100000.

This is my wife to a T - she knows she should eat some carrots instead of that bag of chips or those cookies, but the carrots don't feel as good and don't fill her up. Always a way to rationalize why we're not doing what we should be doing. She knows she should be drinking water instead of soda, but soda hits the spot - doesn't seem to correlate why she always feels tired.
 

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Okay...venturing out along a road lined with IEDs and into a MINE FIELD. My wife is putting on weight. I don't like it. What can I do?

She's 58, 5'2" and was 130 when we married 6 years ago. Curvy in the right places and comfortable. Now, her tummy sticks out further than her chest and she's waddling. I'm guessing she's put on 30-40 pounds.

I'm a member of a gym and I regularly ask her to join me. Not a fanatic, but I go every other day and for a 69 year old guy, am in pretty good shape 33 in waist and 44 in chest, 5'10" and 175.

Aside from appearance, it's unhealthy--her mother and one sister are diabetics.

So, how to bring this up without getting that "daggers of death" stare?

My wife's dad is diabetic and Mrs.CuddleBug is 37 years old at 5 ft 8, maybe 220+ lbs now.

I too eat healthy and weight train and my wifee has slipped back to her old ways and has stopped altogether.

All you can do, take care of yourself more, even fitter, go out more and she will either start taking care of herself or she won't.

You can't make her go to the gym, exercise and eat healthy. She has to do this on her own because she wants to get in shape. If she doesn't care, letting herself go, comfy, there is nothing you can really do.

Telling her nicely she needs to go to a gym, lose a lot of weight and eat healthy is bad.

Saying nothing is bad too.
 

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About the only thing you can do is to encourage her to excercise with you, go to the gym with you, even going for a walk or bike ride at night with her after dinner will help. Any reference to her being fat/overweight will not help. I'm fighting the same battle, my wife is overweight to.
 
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She probably has a difficult time maintaining her weight now but it's not impossible if she watches what she eats. It's going to be impossible to maintain by the time she is OP's wife's age (58).
I disagree. My wife is considerably older than that and she has maintained her weight within 10 pounds or so for the almost 20 years that we have been together.

Does that mean it is easy? No, but it is obviously not impossible.
 

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My wife's dad is diabetic and Mrs.CuddleBug is 37 years old at 5 ft 8, maybe 220+ lbs now.

I too eat healthy and weight train and my wifee has slipped back to her old ways and has stopped altogether.

All you can do, take care of yourself more, even fitter, go out more and she will either start taking care of herself or she won't.

You can't make her go to the gym, exercise and eat healthy. She has to do this on her own because she wants to get in shape. If she doesn't care, letting herself go, comfy, there is nothing you can really do.

Telling her nicely she needs to go to a gym, lose a lot of weight and eat healthy is bad.

Saying nothing is bad too.
It's a fine line, to be sure. She has to make the effort to want to lose the weight, and to some (men included), it's easier to just maintain the status quo and just do what you're doing. If she decides that she wants to make a change, then encourage her.

My wife decided that she wanted to lose weight, and she was always watching what she was eating, going to exercise classes, and the like. Didn't improve her sex drive at all, but she did look and feel a lot better. It's gone the other way in the past couple of years, but the point is that it can be done.
 

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+100000.

This is my wife to a T - she knows she should eat some carrots instead of that bag of chips or those cookies, but the carrots don't feel as good and don't fill her up. Always a way to rationalize why we're not doing what we should be doing. She knows she should be drinking water instead of soda, but soda hits the spot - doesn't seem to correlate why she always feels tired.
Well, that is true. For some reason, carrots make me hungrier!!!

I don't drink soda, though. Only water for me.

Well, and wine Water and wine :). Wine is my soda.
 
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I disagree. My wife is considerably older than that and she has maintained her weight within 10 pounds or so for the almost 20 years that we have been together.

Does that mean it is easy? No, but it is obviously not impossible.
I am also 58 (woman) and have maintained my weight.

OP, I think complete blood work is in order. One thing that is very common as we age is that our vitamin D levels fall. Vitamin D is a key factor in metabolism and fatigue and, has been shown to contribute to "weight creep" in older adults when too low.

Low vitamin D levels also contribute to insulin resistance, which can cause weight gain and is a condition that is a precursor to diabetes.

Her thyroid may also be an issue so insist on having that checked also, low thyroid function is common in older women.

Good luck.
 

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Trip to doc last week. Full blood work up. Low vitamin D. Scheduled for bone density test and mamogram. Then doc prescribe something for low libido. (Another issue). Will write more tomorrow.
 
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