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Hello all,

I have looked for signs of infidelity but have found none. No strange texts, calls or emails. None of her passwords have changed and I know them all as she knows mine. Neither one of us are on social media like FB etc. I am tech savvy enough to know where to look for things on a computer or phone. Actually she still has her location sharing with me on her phone on.

She has always been able to go places with when she pleased. Heck, she recently got back from a girls only vacation.
You wrote that she had a lesbian experience with a friend, sounds like this could be happening on her girls only vacation, or she had fallen in love with some woman and is patiently waiting for an easy exit from your marriage.

I suspect you only know about the cheating which can be proven or was dangerously close to being exposed.
 

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If she doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to be with you - she’s is only asking you to waste three more years with someone who doesn’t give a crap about you.

make no mistake - the extra three loveless tears is ONLY to benefit her so she can use you even further.

just don’t do it even one more day.
 

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I have really thought about my situation this past weekend and re-read some of the replies here to try to come up with a gameplan. I have been a wreck thinking emotionally vs rationally on this and am really trying to stop. The reality is that she said that she no longer wants to be with me but for some reason doesn’t want to take the first step. At first, I thought that I could try to fix things on my own, but I realize that will not happen as it cannot be one sided. My thoughts are to get through the holidays, then proceed in the new year by contacting an attorney.

I will go to individual counseling as well to help work through the loss.

individual counseling (which I agreed).
You are making excuses to do nothing. Kicking the can down the road hoping it all goes away.
A counselor isn’t going to fix this for you.
See an attorney now. Knowledge is power. She is way ahead of you while you stand around flatfooted doing nothing.
Cut off contact and stop gobbling up her breadcrumbs. Go out with friends, family, kids and exclude her. Shes already gone anyway. Let her go.
Don’t lie to your kids either. They aren’t stupid. Keeping them in the dark just creates anxiety. They can deal with a known much better than an unknown
She’s told you her plans. Now get your ducks in a row.
This is now a business decision. Is this how you’d run your business? Finances matter.
3 years is a big chunk of life you’ll never get back.

Or lay in the victim chair and let your wife decide your fate.
 

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Hello all,

I am new here and wanted to seek advice as the advice of my friends are obviously bias towards me. Anyway, this past July my wife of 19 years (I am 48 and she is 38) said that she no longer has any feelings for me. She stated that she wishes to stay living with me for the next three years as roommates. At that time our youngest will be 18, she said once that happens, we can sell the house and go our separate ways.

I attempted to have a conversation with her about everything, but it was not productive. I was eventually able to have a conversation with her and she said the following: She is going to counseling but is not willing to go to couples therapy, she has no desire to remain married to me, she has no feelings for me, and that she understands this goes against our beliefs, but she is willing to take it up with God when it is time.

I asked her what her reasoning for this was as the argument we had gotten into several days prior was not some huge ordeal. She stated that that wasn’t the reason, it was all the other stuff over the years. She brought up things from 10, 15, and even 18 years ago. I said that it wasn’t fair to keep bring up past issues, much like I do not bring up things that I have forgiven her for from the past.
The issues that she brings up from the past are as follows: When we first started dating, we both smoked cigarettes. She decided to quit and told me that she wanted me to. I gave it an attempt but had a very hard time with it. I was then told if I didn’t quit, she’d leave me. I kept trying but couldn’t, so I began to hide it. I eventually quit in 2012 but not before being caught.

The other main issue came from the children and housework. My wife has always been a stay-at-home mom. I worked my butt off to make this happen. I have always provided for my family, and we live a damn good life from a financial perspective. In the beginning though, I worked a lot of hours as I was a new salaried leader. As a result, I really didn’t help out much around the house or really wake up with the child/children. My perspective back then was also “I work outside the home; you work inside the home”. This also has changed over the years but her resentment over it remains.

The final issue she brought up, which also no longer happens, is spending time with my friends. When I was younger, I was very much into going and doing things (surfing, riding dirt bikes, snowboarding, hiking, fishing, etc). When I landed a job where I was making more money but working less days, I would take the additional days and go do things on my own. My logic at the time was that I was still spending the same amount of time with my family as I was before. I stopped handing with my friends weekly like that though back in 2007. I reduced hanging out with friends like that to once a month until we ended up moving across the country in 2018.
A more recent thing that I started hearing is that she is saying I am a narcissist. I really don’t believe that I am, and I am sure if that were the case a therapist would be able to spot it pretty quickly. I am currently looking for one as in I have contacted a few, left messages and am waiting to hear back. I contacted them not because of the accusation but to try to help me work through the situation as I am incredibly sad.

She has had issues over the years that I have forgiven, back in the early days of our marriage she had an emotional affair with someone. I forgave that and moved on never bringing it up again. About 12 years something was off, I come to find out she had reconnected with and old BF from HS. Her excuse was that she wanted closure. After I contacted him and had a very direct not nice conversation, he never contacted her again. Again, I forgave her for that and have not mentioned since. Her last major transgression was around 2014, I was away on a fishing trip. When I returned, she admitted that she and one of her female friends got drunk while I was gone and kissed one another and played with one another a little. I told her either the friend was gone, or I was after that. She broke off contact with that friend and I haven’t ever held it over her head.

Don’t get me wrong, the marriage hasn’t been al bad, I was just highlighting the major issues that happened during the past 19 years. I love my wife with all my heart, and this is tearing me up. I maintain composure when at home for the children (now 18, 16, 15). We still sit as a family every night for dinner. She has conversations with me. We still go do things as a family, she still sleeps in the same bed (although at the very edge and has a body pillow). To the outside observer things would appear to be normal. She still wears a ring but only when out in public. We still do projects around the house together such as planting 10 trees a month ago.

Things that outsiders wouldn’t see that have changed. We have not had sex since July 7th (if you average it for the entirety of the marriage, we averaged one every 3 to 4 days). She will not undress in front of me or get changed evet if keeping undergarments on. She never hesitated to use the restroom (#1) if I was in there. Now she will go all the way to the hall bathroom if I am in there. She would often come in and talk to me while I showered, that no longer happens. She does not say goodbye when leaving, let alone saying I love you.

I have looked for signs of infidelity but have found none. No strange texts, calls or emails. None of her passwords have changed and I know them all as she knows mine. Neither one of us are on social media like FB etc. I am tech savvy enough to know where to look for things on a computer or phone. Actually she still has her location sharing with me on her phone on.

I did have a very direct conversation with her last week explaining my thoughts and feelings. She said that she knows my position but is only committed to working on her. She suggested that I find someone to work on me. She said, “because no matter what happens, you can work through your s***”. Since that conversation I have not brought up the subject of us reconciling nor has she. I am sure I have forgotten to add some things, but I am sure I’ll remember as the thread conversation sparks memories. Any advise on my situation would be greatly appreciated.
Wives rarely leave a marriage to be worse off, most will already have a plan B, mainly another guy or even a woman.
You mentioned your wife had cheated on you in the past and if I were you I`d ignore all her aggressive responses, which is a form of deflection and her excuses, such as bringing up what she considers are your bad traits and not your good traits, which is another form of deflection including the gaslighting given a semblance that you are the bad guy, it`s all your fault. Again typical with wives that want out of a marriage.
Some women are masters at the game of deception. My advice is, see a lawyer without your wife`s knowledge for advice and discretely begin scrutinising your wife`s activities, online, cell phone, where she goes and who with and obtain as much evidence as possible. Even consider hiring a PI if you can afford one. She has already mentally and emotionally checked out from the marriage, nothing will change regardless what you do when women are concerned.
I wager your wife is already preparing her way forward and will leave the moment everything is arranged for her.
If not careful she`ll do it on you without empathy or compassion, you can consider her already gone.
Don`t leave it too late, take action now.
 

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She was 19 and you were 29 when you married. That's a huge difference in maturity level, yet you were the one who was off hanging out with friends while she was home taking all the responsibility.

How old was she when you started dating her? Are your controlling? Why would a 29 year old want to date a teenager?
 

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Wives rarely leave a marriage to be worse off, most will already have a plan B, mainly another guy or even a woman.
You mentioned your wife had cheated on you in the past and if I were you I`d ignore all her aggressive responses, which is a form of deflection and her excuses, such as bringing up what she considers are your bad traits and not your good traits, which is another form of deflection including the gaslighting given a semblance that you are the bad guy, it`s all your fault. Again typical with wives that want out of a marriage.
Some women are masters at the game of deception. My advice is, see a lawyer without your wife`s knowledge for advice and discretely begin scrutinising your wife`s activities, online, cell phone, where she goes and who with and obtain as much evidence as possible. Even consider hiring a PI if you can afford one. She has already mentally and emotionally checked out from the marriage, nothing will change regardless what you do when women are concerned.
I wager your wife is already preparing her way forward and will leave the moment everything is arranged for her.
If not careful she`ll do it on you without empathy or compassion, you can consider her already gone.
Don`t leave it too late, take action now.
Blame shifting is a preferred method from what I’ve see. Google the term for more info.
 

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She was 19 and you were 29 when you married. That's a huge difference in maturity level, yet you were the one who was off hanging out with friends while she was home taking all the responsibility.

How old was she when you started dating her? Are your controlling? Why would a 29 year old want to date a teenager?
She had a choice. Marriage, kids, etc weren’t forced onto her.
From your perspective it seems you want this to be all on him.
Is it because you are in an unhappy relationship?
 

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It is my sheer regret that I could only "like" this post once.

Those were my thoughts EXACTLY.

What these men don't seem to understand is that even if they DO work long hours, there is STILL a time every single day when they get to walk out the company door and feel that freedom. They get in their car, they decompress, they go home or go wherever it is they want to go, etc. etc.

When did your wife ever get to experience that taste of freedom on a daily basis, OP? When did she get to experience that on any given weekend? I don't mean the times she ran her ass off preparing meals for you to heat up for you and the kids in her absence and doing everything FOR the kids before leaving you to "parent" them for a few hours while she ran out to the mall,I'm talking about her being able to walk out the door FREE like you did every night and every weekend and every holiday, etc. etc. etc.

She DIDN'T. Ever. Because when your job is "inside the house," you never, EVER get time off from it. Not at 6 pm, not at 3:00 am, not at 10:00 am or 2:00 pm. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with NO break. And if there is a "break" for her, she has to work her butt off in preparation beforehand in order to be "free" for those few hours. Happy happy, joy joy.

Also, the OP said that there was a time he was working fewer hours which gave him more time to go out and play with his buddies yet he was still able to put in the same minimal hours at home that he'd always been putting in. That's a win/win - for the OP.

Guess what his wife was doing all those times the OP was out enjoying that feeling of freedom? She was doing the same damned thing she'd done the day before and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that, ad nauseum.

OP, I can completely see how YEARS of this crap could create an unbelievable amount of resentment toward you and cause her to stop loving you. Ask me how I know.
@She'sStillGotIt
OP, I can completely see how YEARS of this crap could create an unbelievable amount of resentment toward you and cause her to stop loving you. Ask me how I know.
Now, I know what makes you tick, why your keyboard fingers, strike, slam and .twitch!

TAM, is your volcano's vent.

May peace, at last find you, find me.
 

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Easy. Think about this way.

today, you walk into Your boss’s office and say, “I want out, and I want out 3 years later.” What would your boss do?

I imagine, he or she will train your replacement, stop investing in you, work you till you pass out, stop giving you anything that will benefit you or help you grow as a person and an employee. You no longer have a future in the company, you are just a disposable asset that have a limited shelf life.

I imagine the same thing will happen for a pending 3 years divorce.
 
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