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Need Advice. Stay or Go?

5K views 56 replies 29 participants last post by  ABHale 
#1 ·
I am seeking some input to help guide myself down the right path. My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We each brought a daughter into the relationship. I love her daughter to death but she hates mine. I have not been the easiest person to live with, and have my own share of faults. We separated about 6-7 months ago after I found put she was talking to another man half way across the country and she decided to kick me out. Since I view a marriage as sacred I continued trying to fight for our marriage and we ended up trying to make things work. We still sleep in separate beds, there is hardly any affection, sex is only initiated by me and it is a rare occurrence. These things I can deal with. But my family has been outcast. She hates my mom and step dad and talks trash about them, my daughter is not allowed to come to our house and my daughter has tried to contact her and she blantly refused to reply. She says I can go see her elsewhere but always has snide remarks or something to say about when I do so. I feel like I am treated like a child at the house and every time something goes slightly wrong I am yelled at and spoken to like trash. I dont think she is a bad person, but she absolutely refuses to forgive and move past situations and has absolutely no empathy for other's feelings. I am stuck trying to figure out do I continue fighting for the marriage and hurting my family, my daughter, and myself in hopes that it will get better. Or do I just admit defeat and walk away knowing that I gave it my all?
 
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#2 ·
Personally I wouldnt put up with anyone treating my family like that, especially one of my children. Unless they are toxic which I doubt.
Basically she is wanting to cut you off from them all and make your life miserable. Speaking you to like trash is also terrible, I wouldnt put up with that either. She sounds emotionally abusive, and thats without the other man.
 
#4 ·
I dont think she is a bad person,
she absolutely refuses to forgive and move past situations and has absolutely no empathy for other's feelings.
Please, stop living in denial..... she IS a bad person.....this is the definition of a bad person.....

Or do I just admit defeat and walk away knowing that I gave it my all?
defeat ?? What defeat ?? This is HER.... these are HER actions, not yours.....
 
#5 ·
It doesn't matter how much you sucked as a spouse, it does not excuse your wife's infidelity or give her the right to treat your child and family the way she does. I would never, ever tolerate a woman treating my kids like that. You and your daughter are a packaged deal. You wife either accepts both of you, or neither of you. And honestly, it doesn't sound like she wants you either. Divorcing this woman isn't "admitting defeat". It's putting an end to a very toxic marriage and step-parent relationship.

Why does she hate your daughter so much?
 
#6 ·
Why does she hate your daughter so much
Well from what she says because she has done so much for her and my daughter treats her like crap. My wife runs a very tight ship and she is quick to yell and belittle the kids when they do something wrong. Never hits either of them... But sometimes I feel like it is a little over the top and I feel bad for them. When I try to tell her that they just made a mistake it is then turned on me trying to make her out to be the bad person. I think my daughter isn't used to the way my wife reacts to things and it created a viscious circle. My daughter feels like she is unloved so she doesn't want anything to do with my wife which makes her ignore my wife and distance herself. This in turn makes my wife feel disrespected and resentful. I have tried explaining this to my wife when my daughter was still around and was met with "what am I supposed to do baby and coddle her?"
 
#9 ·
I too am a Christian person and have said many times marriage is forever, I meant my vows and that is part of why I stayed as long as I did but I can tell you staying can lead you down a very destructive path. Eventually your emotional health will take a toll in a relationship like this. You need not feel guilty for moving on. There is nothing more freeing than happiness.
 
#8 ·
Sandman, this is no way to live. 3 years into a marriage and all of this has happened, I think I can reassure you that it is not going to change and things are not going to get better. When there is hard feelings for in-laws and step children it creates a divide and it leaves the heart unsettled.

I was married to a man with children from his first marriage who he had full custody of. I ended up raising the 2 boys and they did not like me and eventually there was tension with my in-laws. I separated myself from his side of the family as it hurt to be around them. There is lot more to my story but after 24 years I left and have not relationship with the stepsons I raised. Looking back I wish I would have put my time and energy into a relationship that was on mutual ground. Family is important! Find someone you can be happy with, someone who can accept your family and they can accept her.
 
#12 ·
Leaving is one thing, divorce is another. In the past I have found a lot of wisdom in this Christian sex blog. I've included a link where you can check out the author's opinion on Christians and divorce.
 
#18 ·
Hey, sorry to hear about your situation.
You say you have your own share of faults? Can you share some, because that can make a huge difference.

Also, I find it strange that your family is off limits. Have they mistreated her in some way that would warrant that behavior? Or is she being a b****? If so, why did you marry her?

Finally, how old is your daughter, and why does she hate her so much? If there is no reason to warrant this hatred toward your daughter, you better divorce this lady and fast. Your children should always come first.
 
#19 ·
GC she started off great with everyone. But as time went on more and more resentment got built up with my daughter. In her words, she claims that I did not parent her correctly (because I am not as strict as she is) and that she is disrespectful. My daughter does not help the situation, but she has grown to dislike my wife and doesn't speak to her much. She doesn't act out, but its obvious that she isn't a fan of my wife. This causes my wife to act out against her and it creates a viscous circle between the two of them.

With my parents, my mother doesn't like the way that she treats my daughter which I understand. My wife confronted my mom about an issue a few Christmas's ago and they got into it verbally and my mother left. My mom has tried to smooth things over but my wife refuses to forgive and is just full of hate.

My faults. She has a bit of OCD and I liked being lazy and procrastinate, stopped pursuing her for awhile because I was just as done as she was. We both would never really listen during disagreements and arguments, was pretty much just both of us go into defense mode and put the blame on the other instead of actually listening and trying to come up with a solution. Didnt really see all this until the separation and you are forced to look at the ugly. A lot of little things in between.

But since moving back in the last 4-5 I have been doing everything I can to correct the things that "I" did wrong, since that is all that I have the ability to control.

There has been progress over the course of time. She didn't want to speak to me at all when the separation came, I fought like mad and came back to the house and she was down right nasty for a couple of months. Name calling, I hate you, get the f* out, threats of divorce papers etc. But I kept doing what I knew I had failed on previously regardless and that has become non existent. Its good at times now. But she has absolutely no ability to forgive, understand where someone is coming from, and needs to be in control of everything. I really think its a defense mechanism from stuff that happened in her childhood.

So there are reasons which makes it harder to walk away. But there are times when I am just so mentally drained. And to toss out my man card that I am just in tears when I drop my duaghter off after seeing her one day just for an hour or two and having to say goodbye. The decision is a struggle.

She says she is trying to make things work, but I do not see the effort on her part... Other than allowing me to be there. She got drunk the other week and held my hand... that was the first and only display of affection, other than occasional sex, that has happened since moving back in. So idk. I dont know which way is up and which way is down anymore.
 
#22 ·
GC she started off great with everyone. But as time went on more and more resentment got built up with my daughter. In her words, she claims that I did not parent her correctly (because I am not as strict as she is) and that she is disrespectful. My daughter does not help the situation, but she has grown to dislike my wife and doesn't speak to her much. She doesn't act out, but its obvious that she isn't a fan of my wife. This causes my wife to act out against her and it creates a viscous circle between the two of them.

With my parents, my mother doesn't like the way that she treats my daughter which I understand. My wife confronted my mom about an issue a few Christmas's ago and they got into it verbally and my mother left. My mom has tried to smooth things over but my wife refuses to forgive and is just full of hate.

My faults. She has a bit of OCD and I liked being lazy and procrastinate, stopped pursuing her for awhile because I was just as done as she was. We both would never really listen during disagreements and arguments, was pretty much just both of us go into defense mode and put the blame on the other instead of actually listening and trying to come up with a solution. Didnt really see all this until the separation and you are forced to look at the ugly. A lot of little things in between.

But since moving back in the last 4-5 I have been doing everything I can to correct the things that "I" did wrong, since that is all that I have the ability to control.

There has been progress over the course of time. She didn't want to speak to me at all when the separation came, I fought like mad and came back to the house and she was down right nasty for a couple of months. Name calling, I hate you, get the f* out, threats of divorce papers etc. But I kept doing what I knew I had failed on previously regardless and that has become non existent. Its good at times now. But she has absolutely no ability to forgive, understand where someone is coming from, and needs to be in control of everything. I really think its a defense mechanism from stuff that happened in her childhood.

So there are reasons which makes it harder to walk away. But there are times when I am just so mentally drained. And to toss out my man card that I am just in tears when I drop my duaghter off after seeing her one day just for an hour or two and having to say goodbye. The decision is a struggle.

She says she is trying to make things work, but I do not see the effort on her part... Other than allowing me to be there. She got drunk the other week and held my hand... that was the first and only display of affection, other than occasional sex, that has happened since moving back in. So idk. I dont know which way is up and which way is down anymore.
My God, you sound like me, and my husband sounds like your wife, minus the step kids lol. It's tough when one wants things in control and the other is lazy. But she's going to have to accept you for what you are, and stand your ground about it...you'll get around to things in your own time, someone nagging just makes you NEVER want to do anything. But, it is understandable your daughter wouldn't like the stepmom; BUT, if you haven't been disciplining her and explaining that there isn't a reason to hate her, that's where you messed up in my opinion (if that is the case)...you say your daughter doesn't help the situation. At 12, they aren't going to, but that doesn't mean she gets to do what she wants either. With that being said, your wife has to understand she is a pre-teen, and love is unfortunately supposed to be unconditional. So I think both people need to be spoken to.

Finally, I understand your mom's position at getting angry at your wife about how she treats your daughter, but, if you had done your job and squashed the issue yourself, your mother would have never had to become involved. So really, I don't want to place full responsibility with you, b/c your wife is obv temperamental and mean to your daughter, but you have partial responsibility for this issue. My husband and I fight the same way, and we're having some issues as well...frankly I guess you and your wife got turned off to each other, and it happens.

Is your wife willing to try therapy/MC? Are you? Because, if not, I'm not sure this is a healthy way to live, for anyone.

Also **if she's not willing to 'allow' your daughter access to you, I agree with Pastasauce, that's not tolerable. No one should have the right to stop your daughter from coming home.
 
#24 ·
I have been trying to play devil's advocate between the two of them since all of this has been going on. Helping both of them see the other side and work through it. I do reprimand my daughter when its necessary just not to the severity my wife would have it.

I agree that I share partial responsibility. But with my mother getting involved that is because she spends the night over there a lot and talks to my mom about stuff. Which again I understand my mom getting upset.

We did marriage counseling. The counselor saw the issue lay with my wife and wanted to do one on one counseling with her and my wife kept blaming everything on my duaghter so the counselor decided to see Sophia on the side at my wife's request. It ended with my wife saying the marriage counselor was on my side and was just making her out to be the bad person...... that is pretty much how everything ends. She isnt a bad person, she doesn't want to be made to feel guilty. Etc etc.
 
#29 ·
Diana, we did counseling but it ended with her feeling like the counselor was teaming up with me and making her out to be the bad guy, refusing to listen and refusing to go.

Blondilock, we used to go to church together. But she doesn't go anymore and refuses to go back to our church because (her reason) no one reached out to her when our struggles first started. The flip side of that is that she never reached out to anyone.

As far as whether we are playing by the same rule book. She says she is saved and that she believes, but I honestly can't see it. Not my place to make that judgment call though.
 
#31 ·
Diana, we did counseling but it ended with her feeling like the counselor was teaming up with me and making her out to be the bad guy, refusing to listen and refusing to go.

Blondilock, we used to go to church together. But she doesn't go anymore and refuses to go back to our church because (her reason) no one reached out to her when our struggles first started. The flip side of that is that she never reached out to anyone.

As far as whether we are playing by the same rule book. She says she is saved and that she believes, but I honestly can't see it. Not my place to make that judgment call though.
Oh dear, so she is one of those people who blame everything on everyone else and who take no responsibility for anything. People like that are almost impossible to change because they dont think they do anything wrong. They see no need for change because according to them, everyone is against them. They have no empathy for anyone.
 
#34 ·
She’s not going to change. Why? Because she doesn’t want to. She’s always right, in her eyes, and everyone else is always wrong. Stay if you don’t feel that divorce is right but your relationship with your daughter will never be what it should be and you’re in for a very difficult life.
 
#35 ·
Don't you see your wife is the common denominator in a lot of drama?

To me is unbelievable you don't see the red flags.

She blames everyone else.
She is disrespectful.
She doesn't forgive, or forget.
She wants all the attention.
Everyone is against her.

She needs serious help.

You need help understanding your own value and self worth. Acting like a Christian Martyr is not going to solve her issues or your marriage issues.
 
#37 ·
She needs serious help.

You need help understanding your own value and self worth. Acting like a Christian Martyr is not going to solve her issues or your marriage issues
And therein lies the issue. I see the red flags. I live it, and I am not blind to them. But knowing that she needs help is where I struggle with walking away. I know that is the easy road and that is probably what I need to do. But yes, I have that piece of me nagging in the back of my mind. That if she someone managed to get the help it could be different.

Believe me there is a large chunk of me that wants to walk out of the door. I just struggle with is it the right choice.
 
#38 ·
It sounds to me you are less in a marriage and more of an in-home separation... what healthy choices are you making?

1. For you
2. For your daughter
3. For your wife
4. For your marriage.

Out of the 4 areas, I see a lot of suffering... it's hard helping a person who can tend to be narcissistic in their view of life.

Sometimes walking out the door is not what it seems to be when you are actually being pushed...
 
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#40 ·
@Sandman1318x, you asked, Need Advice. Stay or Go?

You are already gone brother, you just don't want to accept that!
This woman doesn't really value you or your family, and that's just the start (3 years marriage!)
You have so much to work on to fix this, it's not even worth it..

Lets take a look:
  • You are treated disrespectfully, treated like a child in the house and every time something goes slightly wrong you are yelled at and spoken to like trash. In her mind you are not a husband with boundaries to worry about! The problem here is that you are not in control of the marriage like a husband should be, and you are not standing for yourself and putting your foot down when needed, and if you try to do so, you will be kicked out of the house again, because she doesn't value you as a husband, so why should she treat you like a MAN and not a child, after all you are the one that came back to "save the marriage" not her, she didn't want you, so in her mind you are lucky to be accepted back into the household, so you need to live by her rules!
  • She doesn't want to work on herself and starts accepting her faults, and no therapy councilor will be able to work with her, and certainly not you, look what happened with the previous marriage counseling!
  • She doesn't want to mend the relationship with your daughter, she can't, because she lacks empathy completely, and that's a serious character flow, you can't fix that, because you yourself are not respected anyway so how can she even take an advice from you about her relationship with your daughter, your even facing the possibility of losing you daughter, your daughter might put on a happy face for daddy, but she could be building lots resentment towards you, after all her daddy is catering for the wife that has all the toxic qualities over her!
  • She can't mend the relationship with her mother-in-law, because she doesn't know how to forgive even though she is a Christian!
  • She doesn't want to go to church and see a pastor to work on her issues and flows (serious character flows) like any normal human being, and you can't fix that, she won't listen to you or take your advice to go to church because she doesn't value your opinion nor does she respect you, you are just a child, a guy who came back "save the marriage"!
  • And the last straw, her infidelity (that you brushed it off in your relies):
    she was talking to another man half way across the country and she decided to kick me out.
  • Add to the list other stuff we don't know about, but only you do!
All this happened in a three year marriage!
You see where this is going?!
You have nothing to work with, because you can't, she is not willing to do anything or take steps in fixing her issues!
What about her talking to the other man while she is married to you?! what did you do about it, did she face any consequences?! Of course not, you got kicked out of the house, you are not in control of any thing, you are just playing the game of trying to nice her to do things, she has no fear of losing you!
What will happen in five or ten years?! will she starts having an affair?! her character flows is almost the exact flows that cheater have!

Brother, the issues are so many, the infidelity should have been enough, it should have been the last straw for you, I don't know what you were thinking or your mind frame that led you to go back and save the marriage, but you need to get you ducks in a row and move on with your life!
Don't be in a dysfunctional relationships, it's not worth it, it already affected your relationship with your daughter, and you didn't take the decisive step to fix it by ending this dysfunctional marriage!
 
#43 ·
I think you need to face reality and get out. The one point I can kind of see of your wife's is that she has a daughter she is raising the way she thinks is best, and she does not want your daughter being a bad influence on her with the disrespect, because that is a very common problem with blended families. If one parent continues to let their child act a way that is not acceptable to the other, right or wrong, the other child either feels they get to do things her or himself does not or they simply see the disrespect and copy it. Either way you have a divided family.

Not knowing which of you is better raising kids, or maybe just different but equal, all I can conclude is this isn't working for the kids or for you or for her. You should get out and see your child as much as you are supposed to instead of hanging onto a bad marriage.
 
#44 ·
This staying is your doing.

This control freak, this is her and her doing to others; them, those not having done squat to her.

If you want sympathy, you have mine.
If you want a solution, you have mine.

Divorce and rejoice in your new found "Peace on Earth!"

You were made that husband, not that Martyr.

If you are bound up in your faith, and cannot divorce, then this is for you, it then must be fine.
Meanwhile, know that your faith will not reward you in this life or mine.

The faithful, those faithful, should not be made fools for any such painful process.

You married a woman, and she isn't that Mary, but maybe is Rebekah

Are Dee-
 
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