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A little background. My husband and I had chatting online for 5-6 yrs, as I was a professional Fitness/Swimsuit model and he was a fan, become friend. We met for the first time in person Feb 2007 when I needed a vacation and he offered to show me around Hawaii where he lived. I took him up on it and we fell in love immediately and I moved out to be/live with him a month later and we were married May 4, 2007. He is in the military (has 22 yrs in) and is retiring Feb 2009. This is my 2nd marriage (1st marriage, husband turned bisexual and forgot to tell me) and this is his first. We have many of the same interests and are great friends and have such fun together but my god are both of our tempers wicked. He is Italian and I am French/Native Idian. When it comes to talks or discussions, he is a very literal person and takes everything to heart or reads into it and I am passive, try to avoid confrontation (I know where it leads) and sometimes do not say the right things in a way that he cannot read into.

Me: When I get angry, it takes me a bit to focus at the issue at hand before I am ready to talk. Sometimes I am ready in an hour or sometimes it takes me a day. All depends on what the fight is about.

Him: After an agrument and the painful words or digs on eachothers past mistakes that we've shared, he wants to kiss and hug and thinks that should make everything ok again.

I just don't work that way. We cannot immediately talk when fuel is poured on the fire because we end up making eachother angrier. So, I clam up and stomp around, he sits around and stares at me when I pass without saying anything or tries to come up and hug me. At this point I am fueled and way past the hug BS.

He mistakes my silence and sometimes my sarcasm during a fight as coldness and he couldn't be further from the truth. I do everything humanly possible to please him. I am a strongly independent woman. My thought has always been when you "Need" someone, that is a sign of weakness insecurity and that you need another in your life to make it whole so to speak. To me, it makes more sense to say you "want" someone rather than "need" because things you need to survive (i.e., food, water, shelter), those are needs, things you cannot live without. But a person, you want but CAN survive without them. NOW.... since being with him, he always uses the words "need me" but as I want and desire him in my life, need is very hard for me to say.

He has been abonded by everyone in his family, even his alcoholic mother. Abused as a child and neglected until he joined the military when he was 18 yrs. I have also been through some rough teen and early twenty's, as in been raped by a stranger with child/abortion consequences, been in several physically and emotionally abusive relationships. We both have scar very deep from our past and have shared many tearful stories. Yet, as much love and "in love" we are, the fights get worse and my desire to "want to leave" before I waste anymore of his life or mine gets stronger. I am so afraid of failing a 2nd marriage and having part of his 1st/only marriage end with nothing but hatred and resentment.

He always wants to be with me, whether i'm going to get milk at the store, changing into my PJ's, outside having a smoke (which he doesn't and hates), gets angry if when telling him a story of my day, I leave out a minute part accidently and then share it when the story comes up again. I've talked to him about suffocating me, and he has given me a little me time but I thinks he wants me to be someone I am not. I am independent, a strong willed and stubborn person (as he can be) but we cannot get over eachothers faults without them reappearing the next fight.

I have made my mistakes as he has his. If we can't get past them, is divorce inevitable?
 

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If he can't change his ways I think that the relationship will only get worse, but the first step would be to write down the things he needs to shed and the things you love about him and have a frank discussion that you need to get certain things from the marriage.

draconis
 
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