[happysong]

Ok, I am completely nonplussed scratchhead in marriage. Please help. Here is my saga:

I got married about 2years ago, and have lead a very "happy to very unhappy married life" with my husband which oscillates on a dime. The happy times are so good that I forgive and almost forget the bad times. The reason for the bad times are the four major reasons on which most divorces are based:

1) Baby - I am 36, and am dying to have a baby, my husband hates the idea of it.
2) Finances - My husband is money obsessed in that he wants a whole lot and very fast. I like the one I work for and like to enjoy and save it. My husband comes with new money making schemes everyday that fall flat on the face. His latest idea is to move into his parents rental property and pay them rent, so money stays in the family. While the idea does sound a reasonable one, I fear it will put me too much under the tutelage of his parents
3) In Laws- that brings me to the 3rd but definitely not the least important factor. I find while his parents are nice and courteous to me on the outside there is a lot of distrust and dislike inside. I have learned to draw a line by being very respectful and subservient to them, listening and doing little favors as I can for them, while not expecting anything in return. But it is very tasking emotionally and physically. I have them over for visits/stays/dinners and lunches and feel like a slave to them. Anyways, this is fine, as long as I have to do this no more than 2-3 times a month, on a daily basis with a full time job, it becomes very undesirable.

My husband is a nice person but very irrational. I feel I put in a whole lot for very little in return. Although I love him a whole lot, I am getting tired of how I am losing on every end. No baby, new financial schemes that I have to abide to, parental pressure on his side, I feel like I am not even myself anymore. Sometimes it feels like a job and I feel like crying or running away. And then things get better for a while, until DH comes up with a new financial scheme that I dont want to put up with, or I bring the "baby" issue or his parents complain about me about something I dont do for them.

Wondering if anybody out there is in my situation or has been? Any advice?

 

[happysong]

Yes infact we did. And he agreed to having children. But now he says, he changed his mind.

 

[Susan2010]

Stop being a people pleaser and allowing them all to run over you. Take charge of your own life, your own decisions, your own desires.

 

[sisters359]

At 36, you do not have time to mess around if you want to give birth to a child. If you are ok with adoption, you have more time. Fertility declines first at about age 30 and again at 35, but then more sharply. Really plummets at 40.

Ask your ob/gyn for an FSH test. It's a measure of how hard your body has to work to eggs to mature, and it's a blood draw on day 3 of your period. Will give you some indication of your fertility although that actually can vary from month to month--but it's still a good general indicator.

If he does not want kids now and you do, either way you need to move on. He will either cave to you--and regret it/blame you, likely, for everything that ever goes wrong (in his opinion) b/c of having kids. If you cave to him on an issue like this, you will resent him for ever. It's a lose/lose so saying good bye may be best.

All the other stuff is not worth discussing if you don't figure out the baby issue, so focus on that. good luck.

 

[questions]

Hi,
Even though my H and I got married with the specific intent of starting a family immediately, our marriage in the first couple of years was rocky. My H then became uncertain whether he wanted to bring a child into our rocky relationship. I was also in my 30's so I didn't want to wait despite our rocky relationship. However, it wasn't until we improved our relationship that he felt good about bringing a child into our family. We had to recommit to each other and reaffirm our marriage before our relationship has improved and he felt comfortable to the idea of bringing a child into the mix. Why don't you focus for now on improving your relationship with you H? When he has enough confidence in two of you, he'll be more likely to respond to the idea of starting the family and setting boundaries with his family. Furthermore, you want to bring a child into an environment that's as loving as possible.
Best luck to you.

 

[questions]

While I hate to be cold and calculating on a topic like this, my analytical mind wants to evaluate the options that would most likely to result in HappyS becoming a mother:

1) Trying to conceive without her H's agreement - Doesn't he need to cooperate here :scratchhead:? At age 36, fertility goes way down, and it usually takes many months, if not year or longer. It's just not sex at any time as women have only a tiny window (few days) in a given month when they can conceive. I'm also assuming that it's her first time trying, and it's unlikely that a few accidental sex will end up in pregnancy. It could, but the probability is very low.

2) "Baby or Out" ultimatum - Currently he doesn't want a baby. If she gives this ultimatum, would he agree to it? Would he be a fully participating father? I wouldn't use this unless I'm 100% certain that he would choose the baby. By the time she divorces her H, start dating, finding a mate who wants to have a baby with her and marry him, her fertility window might actually close.

3) Staying on to work on the marriage - It doesn't have to take years to put the marriage back on the path. It can change rapidly, especially early in the marriage without years of bad history. It does take "commitment" and willingness from both parties to work it out. This is that path I chose, and it only took a few months for my H to feel good about having a baby. We tried the natural path, fertility treatment (mentally and financially demanding, and definitely does require H cooperation), and learned that My H had fertility problem. It didn't help with my age either. We ended up adopting a most wonderful and perfect child that we could ever hope for.

The point is that when you work out your current marriage to improve your relationship, there are many side benefits. Your H will be much more likely to support the pregnancy, go for fertility treatment, adoption path, etc. Even if there are no babies, you'll have a healthier and happier marriage. I'm not sure about the odds of other paths.

Good luck!

 

[TeaLeaves4]

But it's not just about the baby issue, she is having to live in a subservient situation to her husband and in-laws. It doesn't sound like he's putting their relationship first at all-- it sounds like it's his way or the highway in all matters. Not a good recipe for success unless something changes.

 

[happysong]

Hey All, thanks for your replies. Sorry I have not written for a long time. Like I said I was nonplussed and continue to be.

Its indeed hard to want to leave my husband and chose a baby over him that I have not even had. On the other hand it is so hard to think how I will ever lead a happy life with him, knowing he took away from me a woman's right to enjoy motherhood.

Divorcing, finding the "right" man and having healthy babies all within one year sounds impossible to me. Actually even the thought of another relationship sounds undesirable to me right now. At the same time the clock does go "tick" "tock". Its sad but I may have to accept losing a chance to have babies while accepting an eventual divorce. I cannot imagine how I will ever be able to forgive him for this.

Like I said he is not a bad person, but at the same time, does not seem to be sensitive to my needs either. I do see his point, our relationship does tend to get rocky at times, although from my perspective most our fights are over baby and in law issues.

Thank you all dearly for your responses. God Bless!

 

[greeneyeddolphin]

I pulled up this post earlier, and then got distracted by a myriad of other things, so my response may be too late to be of much help, but here it is anyway.

The baby issue needs to be the first thing you address. You need to get a definitive answer on whether or not he wants children, and once you get that answer, decide if you can live with it if it's "no". If the answer is no, and you want a child that badly, then moving on will be your only option.

Now, not to make it seem like marriage and two parents isn't the ideal, but there are other options if you want to have a child, even if you divorce. I don't know your financial situation, but if you are stable enough, you could consider artificial insemination and raising a child on your own. Being a single mother is not ideal, but it can be done, and if having a child is that important to you, may be a good option for you. I myself am a single mother - not by choice, I got divorced from their father, but it happened and I dealt with it. And now my boyfriend helps me raise them, so even if you went that route, you could still find a wonderful man who would help you raise that child, even though it isn't biologically his.

But the thing is, if you address all the other issues and work all of them out, before addressing the baby issue, and his answer on that is still no, you've wasted all that time. Given your age, do you really want to waste all that time, and possibly have no choice but to give up your dream of having a baby? I wouldn't.

If I were the one saying it, I would put it to him as, "Look, I love you very much. But before we married, you told me you wanted children. Now you say you don't. We have other problems, but this is the biggest for me. I need to know if you want to have children with me or not." If his answer is no, my response would be, "Thank you for being honest with me. In that same spirit of honesty, I have to tell you that having a child is very important to me, and it's not something I'm willing to compromise on. So, even though I love you, I think this has to be the end of our road together. I want a child, you don't. That makes us incompatible. I will let you know once I have filed the paperwork for divorce."

I wouldn't do it as an ultimatum. Ultimatums tend to make people give in and do something they don't want to do, and when they do something they don't want to do, they tend to not do it with their whole heart and a real effort. You don't want your child to have a father that doesn't really want them, or love them, and isn't fully committed to them.

 

[OptimisticPessimist]

Well, there are also many men out there who have kids and would love to find a nice woman to engage in a relationship. You could have kids on your own and then look for such a man while being a mother.

What I mean by this is what about visiting a sperm bank? Kind of odd giving such advice as a guy, but considering your situation it might be an option that works. Of course, you will have to sustain yourself and arrange childcare, deal with the divorce, etc, but it gives you a chance to be a mother.

Consider my predicament: I am a man who would love to be a father. Unfortunately, while I have no issues attracting women, I dont trust them. While I personally have never been wronged (that I know of), I have seen so many of my friends suffer from exploitative women I cant possibly trust one. Worse, I have seen these same friends crushed as the woman does EVERYTHING she can to make sure he cannot see the children because theyre "HER" children and she has now "moved on" to OM or past him. Thats a terrifying thought to me; I lost my AWESOME father when I was 15 to cancer, and I would never want a child to lose their father... While many lost their girls/kids because they didnt establish boundaries/didnt be a man, I dont think the children should be deprived in such a way...

Whoah, anger spike- try to understand im giving some perspective here- he may even share some of my fears. A man cannot just go to an incubator shop to have a child, while as a female you do have options. He may not trust you to stay with him or let him be in the kids life after a breakup, which is unfortunately something many bitter lover-mothers try to do.

 

[happysong]

Thanks to Truckersgirl and Optimist for your suggestions on alternative ways to have a baby. But I know those options exist and always will. I am just not there yet. When I think of a baby, I think of a happy baby with a loving husband to share that bundle of joy with. Not a child I got through a sperm bank and raising the child alone. I would never want to do that to a child. A child needs a mom and dad and grand parents galore.

I was raised by very loving and doting parents and would like to share that bond with someone too. Its just sad my husband does not at all share that dream with me. I know moving on and divorce are also an option, but I would so love to make things work out with my hubbie, rather than go through a divorce and starting all over again...

Currently, I am still trying to make things work. Maybe I will come back an year later and tell you how it all ended...

I thank you ALL for your best advices, it meant a lot to me. Cheers.