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I am having issues with my husband. We have been married for 1 1/2 years. His birthday was a few weeks ago and we went out to dinner with some friends of his and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. They started to talk about New Years Eve. Everyone assumed that I wanted to go to a bar to celebrate NYE because my husband did. I said I didn't know and wanted to think about it, but apparently no one listened to me. I thought about it and deceided that i didn't want to go because I didn't really want to celebrate with my in-laws because they drink to much and become VERY annoying and unbearable. He told his mom and sister that I didn't want to go so they didn't need to get us tickets. His sister proceeds to bombard him with texts and calls saying that he needs to get me to change my mind and that she is going to start calling me to change my mind. He gets mad at me because we didn't do anything for NYE, even though I told him that if it was that big of a deal to go out. So New Year's day I wanted to make breakfast and he ignores me when I ask him if he wanted some pancakes. After a few more attempts to get an answer I finally get one and say that he doesn't want any because he doesn't want to ruin his appatite. He then proceeds to tell me that his grandma was going to be having at dinner at her house, but he knew about the dinner for several days and he decided to tell me an hour before the dinner (which I found out after I flipped out). This just set me off. I know you probably are thinking why are you fighting over pancakes. Its not just the pancakes. He expects me to be a mindreader and know things that he forgets to tell me. He is a momma/grandmas's boy who really needs to cut the apron strings. He tells me that it is a never ending battle to please me and that I need to start pleasing him instead. I don't know what to do for him. I don't like half of his friends because they are drunks and I absolutely hate going to the bars that he likes to go to. I tried going all the time with him before we got married. I will admit to a certain point I am being childish, but if he knows anything about me he wouldn't force me to go to places and do things that I can not stand to be around. We haven't spoken since Tuesday and I'm just at a loss of what to do. I blame alot of what I'm feeling on the fact that I'm annoyed that his sister has been here since August and she expects everyone to drop everything and do whatever she wants since she doesn't live here even though my husband has his own life/family. I just need help on what to do to resolve our issues and get back to where we were. We were going to start trying to have a baby, but I don't think that is a good idea anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 

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If I get all this, your husband has in-laws that drink and can be annoying at times so you prefer to limit your time with them. That creates ripples and your husband pouts like a little boy and leads to fights.

I have to say it's an age old problem.

My suggestion is a "come to Jesus" talk with your husband. You need to make it clear that his attitude is unacceptable and you need to be more accommodating to your husband. You're both a little wrong in this one. If either one of you is going to take an "it's all their fault" approach, then you're torpedoing the marriage.

Beyond that I strongly recommend joint counseling. If he refuses you should in form him the marriage may be hanging in the balance.
 

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I don't like half of his friends because they are drunks and I absolutely hate going to the bars that he likes to go to. I tried going all the time with him before we got married. I will admit to a certain point I am being childish, but if he knows anything about me he wouldn't force me to go to places and do things that I can not stand to be around.
I'm just wondering if he thinks it is more important to hang out in bars with his drunk buddies. Some people do have a neighborhood bar they hang in. It's part of their social scene. I was married to a guy like that. Friends met us in bars. He entertained business associates in bars. Life pretty much revolved around running to bars. I got sick of that scene and stayed home. I also got tired of being around a group of people who couldn't loosen up and just enjoy themselves without getting half tanked.

So, do you think your husband has a problem with drinking, or is he just the type of guy who hasn't grown up yet and decided there's more to life than hanging out with a group of partiers?

Don't allow him to force you to go hang out with him if you don't want to. It sounds like his entire family has no respect for boundaries. I mean, what's the deal with his sister going off and trying to harrass you into going out on NYE? Now hubs is giving you the cold shoulder because you don't think NYE is a night to get boozed up?
 

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From what I gather, you did this sort of thing with him before you married him. Now that you are married you expect him to change and live by what you want to do.

This is very unfair really. It's kind of a bate and switch. If you do not like his life style and his friends, why did you marry him? I think that your husband has every right to be upset.

If you want to change the way the two of you socialize, you need to do it slowly over time. Just droping the bomb on him that now that you are married you do not want to hand out with this family and friends is not going to work very well.

Perhaps if you had a discussion with him about your concerns about their drinking you could get him to agree to go with you for a short time and then leave when people start to really over drink.

Also you could plan more things in your own home or plan things well in advance with him so that you avoid this last minute plan making.

And ask him to tell you in advance, well in advance about things like dinner and grandma's.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I guess to clarify the "bars" he goes to are more of social clubs/bars that you need a membership to get into. I don't think he has a problem with drinking because he rarely does it at home, but when he does its only one or two drinks. I rarely drank when we would go and if I did I only had one drink.

He knows that I can't stand to be around his friends when they get drunk because one almost caught my hair on fire with his cigarette because he was to trashed to stand up straight. I did go to the places a lot before because we used to work two different shifts and that was the only time I would get to see him. I don't want him to completely change the way he is. I just want him to stop trying to force me to go to the clubs/bars when he knows I don't like them. He can go do whatever he wants to do I don't care (as long as there is a balance between me and his friends), but he can't hold it against me when i don't want to go. He also knows that his family drinks to much because his mom almost burnt their house down on night because she started to make something on the stove and she fell asleep on the couch. I don't even want to get started on his sister because this would be a mile long. The only thing i will say about her is that she expects everyone to do/go where she wants to go and to spend all of their time with her even though you have other plans.

The whole advance thing doesn't work because I've wanted to have several parties at our house and they all got shot down and he blames me for them not happening. Plus getting information out of him on family affairs is like pulling teeth and I get tired of asking non stop for details

I'm not blaming him completely for this. I'm being childish too. We need to find a compromise, but everything is turning to the "its all your fault" fight.
 

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He knows that I can't stand to be around his friends when they get drunk because one almost caught my hair on fire with his cigarette because he was to trashed to stand up straight.

He also knows that his family drinks to much because his mom almost burnt their house down on night because she started to make something on the stove and she fell asleep on the couch.
So he has friends who get trashed, and his mom "fell asleep" on the couch and almost burned down the house. His "family" drinks too much, which I assume that means that other members besides mom over-indulge.

As someone who has been married to two alcoholics, I'll tell you this: birds of a feather ... When your husband is out with his buddies and they're getting drunk, what is he doing? Having two drinks and calling it a night? Or is he getting drunk with the gang? Alcoholics come in all sizes and flavors. And don't be so sure he's only having one or two at home. He may be drinking more than you realize.

The whole advance thing doesn't work because I've wanted to have several parties at our house and they all got shot down and he blames me for them not happening.
I'm not sure what this means. Could you clarify? How does he shoot down your party plans? Just plan a party, invite a bunch of friends, and have the party.

See, I get the feeling that he's turning the tables on you and playing the manipulation game. Alcoholics are masters of the game. And whether or not he's an alcoholic remains to be seen. But it sounds like some of his family member are, as well as his friends.

As you realize by now, the blame-game doesn't resolve any issues. You are at fault, he is at fault, and until both of you are ready and willing to pick up your share of the blame and own it, you're getting nowhere fast. At this point, you sound willing to own your part in this situation.

Is he speaking to you yet, or still punishing you for NYE? Frankly, I wouldn't tolerate the no-talking b.s. I lived through that in my first marriage. It sucked. Think about it: why the heck should you be walking on eggshells and have a spouse who is punishing you with his silence?
 
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The whole advance thing doesn't work because I've wanted to have several parties at our house and they all got shot down and he blames me for them not happening. Plus getting information out of him on family affairs is like pulling teeth and I get tired of asking non stop for details

Have you tried asking his family members to tell you directly about family functions. Just tell them that he forgets to tell you until the last minute. So if they will tell you, you can be sure to be ready and to have him ready too?
 
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