need advice on combined family and how to deal with my step kids and husband

2330 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by TheEruditeOne, Nov 18, 2012

Nimmzy68

Discussion Starter · Nov 4, 2012

:scratchhead:

Just over 2 years ago i married a man with 3 children, 2 which are teens, I have 3 grown sons and i am having problems dealing with my kids,My step kids, husbands attitude and the X wife. My husbands job is such that he is gone for a month and home for 2 weeks. The kids live with their mother and are with he and i for the 2 weeks he is home. My step children are rude and spoiled as well as the children of a alcoholic mom. My husband makes the matters worse by giving into them. We could not even go to the store without then, ( no alone time for he and I) He thinks that money ( giving them what they want is the answer to making up for his job that requires him to be gone. The kids have little to no filter to respect for me and others. The use foul lauguage, talk ugly to one another, make smart comments to me with no punishment. My husband will agree with me that this is poor behavoir but will not put in the work required to correct these issues. We try to have date night but then we get bad behavior from the kids.I love my husband and my siep kids dearly but i was raised completly differntly and so were my sons. We were tought respect, had rules,punnishment if we broke them, had to pull our weight, Ect ( i think you get my point) my sons are not perfect but just have better behavior. I cannot talk to my husband about any issues with his kids otherwise he gets offened. He feels attacked but after taking a long hard look at the situation i think he is just a lazy father ( which will cause my step Kids to suffer in the long run) my 17 Y/O atep daughter is now prebnant and has no clue how to survive in the world. I have attempted to talk with my Husband about helping her be more prepared by teaching her survival skills as well as work on her bad attitude. She thinks all things should just be handed to her.. I feel like im just here to play his role when he is gone. He wants me to do for them but im wrong if i dont because they do no deserve it because of the way they treat me. I will not fall into the game that he and his X play with the kids. The kids use their parents against each other in order to get their way. It got so bad that due to the fact that my mother has terminal cancer i decided to go ahead and move in with her ( which i needed to do anyway but it also brought me a since of sanity) because i didnt have to be stuck in the middle of their (to them normal) maddness. Its become so bad that i hardly see my husband when he is home and as for time for he and i , well that just happen. I dont know how to make him understand that we need that for our marrige. I understand his love for the kiddos but if we are not careful we will grow apart and in two years all our kids will be 18 and starting their own lives and by then he and i will be strangers,.Please help.. I want so much for our marrige to work and i want my husband to be my friend also. I feel like he thinks he can do what he does with with kids ( buy them things, provide finacial security) with me and thats all it takes for a man and woman to have what it takes to make a marrige work. He is a wonderful finacial provieder!!!! am i wrong for having other needs? For wanting alone time with him. The youngest is 16, i see no reason he cant make alone time for us. Time for us to just be together. Open honest oppions are welcome and helpful advice PLEASE. Thank you in adcance.:smnotworthy:

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timeforchange

· #2 · Nov 4, 2012

Hi Nimm,

Just some of my thoughts from reading what you've written here. You seem to be in the middle of unfinished business to be honest. What you describe about your husband sounds like he uses material things to ease his guilt about the situation.

The step childrens' behaviour kind of back that up too by having the expectation for things and no respect that shows they perhaps need to earn those things.

It makes sense given the situation, however, I'm not seeing where you fit into the equation. I wonder if the timing of your meeting him wasn't the best. To be fair 2 years is still kind of early days.

Question is what do you want and how long are you prepared to give a shot to getting it??

Hope this helps somewhat.

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heavensangel

· #3 · Nov 6, 2012

Sounds very much like my H schedule up to about 3 months ago. Now he's 3wks on/3wks off. I'll venture a guess and say your H works on a vessel and/or offshore?

If so, what I can tell you (Hubs has been doing it for 16+ years) is that kind of life style is tough on family life and probably tougher still when there's a blended family to boot. I'm sorry you're in the middle of this. I honestly don't think you're asking too much for him to set aside some time for you when he is home. Particularly with the ages your kids are. Doesn't sound like you'd have to hire a sitter or anything. Have either of you discussed/thought about family counseling for ALL of you? Is this an option? If not, then maybe MC for the two of you?

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Penny_Lane

· #4 · Nov 7, 2012 (Edited)

Ok, I have a crazy idea...I'm not sure how much I like it but I'll throw it out there.

What if, while your husband was away, you had his kids over, for a night or maybe just a day?
I ask becasue if this were me I think I might feel the need to take some of this situation by the horns.

I see a couple of issues, hopefully I have read your post correctly....
So the kids are disrespectful...how confident are you in regard to your mothering/parenting skills? Do you think you could attack that nut? (I personally hate disrespectful kids, they are such a drag...really.)
Like what if the kids weren't disrespectful - at least at your home? Would this open the door for your husband to feel a little less guilty about spending a dinner out with you without any of them? (Because surely they're old enough to be left at home...)

I think with most any large problem, it might be helpful to think about what you want the final outcome to be, then formulate individual steps to getting there. Then implement steps, one by one, making adjustments as you go...if needed.
Only you can decide...I just really feel that a good mother/woman can change the/their world. It'd take some time..and I don't know you or them...just throwing it out there.

Also, teenagers are a real pain in the butt...! Make some rules, stick to 'em. Like no swearing in the house, period. They wanna swear? Go outside...then come back in. I mean really, it starts out like that..! (Best advise I EVER got in regard to teenagers was - If they're doing something in YOUR house that makes you uncomfortable, nip it in the bud - its YOUR house, you have that Right.)
Ach, they can ruin a happy home if you let 'em. (Don't let 'em)...good luck!

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TheEruditeOne

· #5 · Nov 18, 2012

Hi, Nimmzy68. How did you not see this before marrying your husband? Did you not interact w/his children before marrying him? Is your husband a rescuer personalty? Did he rescue you?

Well, Nimm Penny_Lane has the right idea. Define practical rules and keep the kids accountable; when you do this the kids and your husband will respect you. You've been a student before, right? The first couples weeks of the school year is dedicated to establishing rules and enforcing them. The school system doesn't build rules around the students' home lives; all of the kids will comply or face punishment. The key is consistency. Get the ex-wife out of your vocabulary. Who she is or what she doesn't do isn't your concern.

FC for the kids and dad is a great idea, followed by CC for you and your husband. As an aside, I'm sorry to hear about your mother being terminally ill. This must be a tough time for you. I will pray for you and remain encouraged.

TEO

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