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Hey all,

So i'm in a "mental battle" I guess you could say. This problem could be all in my head or it could be a bad omen. I truly do love my girlfriend and so many things about our relationship is perfect. I can definately see myself marrying her if I can get by this problem. The problem I'm running into is that she has a really close group of friends that she spends a ton of time with. Don't get me wrong, I love that she has close friends but it makes me feel like an afterthought sometimes and that they have priority over me.

The thing that spurred this post was this. We just got back from a week long vacation and when we got back several days ago, I mentioned getting together to look at all the pictures a specific day. She replied with a maybe. So that day rolled around and she made plans with her friends instead of me. I'm a very cautious guy by nature and this worries me. If I were to marry her, would her priorities change? Yes, I know to an extent that I'm over-reacting to this paticular situation, but the future is what worries me the most.

I'm a firm believer that God -> Spouse -> Children take priority in that order, then family and friends. Of course, we arent engaged or married, but the fact that her friends take priority now make me extremely hesitant to take it to that. This is something I'm sure people will say talk to her about it, but I really don't know how. I also don't want her to think I'm controlling or trying to make her decide between me and her friends.

Thanks!
 

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I think you're very wise to consider whether your values are compatible. Toffer's questions are important. If she's 18, it may just take some time. But if she's 25 and still putting her friends first like that, it may mean she doesn't prioritize your relationship as highly as a marriage needs.
 

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Hi, you said it yourself, you need to talk it through with her. After 25 years of marriage I cannot emphasize enough the good communication is fundamental to a successful relationship/marriage etc. Just start with expressing your feelings, don't turn it into an argument.
If I had been given this advice 25 years ago so much would be different today and there would be less pain. Please just speak to her.
 

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How does she know these friends? What do they do when they are together? Where do they go? Is it a mixed group of males and females? Why aren't you ever included?
 

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There is a problem here that is bigger than her close group of friends:

You said:

"This is something I'm sure people will say talk to her about it, but I really don't know how. I also don't want her to think I'm controlling or trying to make her decide between me and her friends."

You should be able to talk with her about anything w/o fear. Get this sorted out before you get married.
 

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I agree with Emerald. Even if she gets upset, there is nothing that beats open and honest communication. It's better than the alternative.

As to the friends, if they are girl friends and harmless enough that can be turned into a positive. Close friends of the same sex are important. If it's a mixed group then I would have concerns. Deep concerns due to the pre existing emotional connection.

One last thought. Prior to marriage if she is spending a lot of time with close friends, I see no real issue. After a marriage, she will have to reprioritize her time. Again, something to talk to her about.
 

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I'm also wondering when she started dating you, if she spent less time with her friends & more time with you. That's usually how it works in the beginning of a romance - I know I do because I want to be with my man over my girlfriends.

Did she spend more time with you at first? How long have you been dating?

You don't want to be prioritized lower than her friends in a serious committed relationship especially marriage.
 

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Two of the most important aspects of a romantic relationship that you agree to are

1) you forsake dating anyone else of the opposite sex
2) you coordinate your free time with your partner; to the point where you spend your holidays with his or her relatives.....


After that, accept that you have given up a lot to be with that person. If, after that, they want you to take a back seat to SOME FRIEND that they see from time to time..... well, it's up to you then .
 

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Why should she not see her friends. You are not living together, engaged or married. You want her to act like she is married to you, but you have not married her. While dating, you can still have a social life. If she moves away from her friends, her support network can deteriorate if you decide to move on.
 
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