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Discussion Starter #1
Hi,
My husband just moved to an apartment and I am staying in the house with my 16 year old son. Husband moved primary items, but we have a house full of "things" which he still uses, i.e. tools in garage.
He said he would like to come over on Saturday's and just "hang out". He said this way he could see his son, do any household repairs and just putter around.
I asked him to leave because he cheated on me.
Does this seem "normal"? I get that he doesn't want to be a Disneyland dad, and I guess it's a bit much to expect him to come and take him somewhere every Saturday. What do you do? Part of me understands, and part of me feels like it's wrong. I'm not a pushover, just trying to do the right thing for the kids.
Thank you,
Patty
 

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You may not be a pushover, but you'll get an academy award for your acting abilities then...

What he's doing is cake-eating. My advice... Start standing up for yourself. File for divorce so he can no longer come and go as he pleases. Your son will adjust to the new reality soon enough, and it will be better for everyone than living in limbo.

C
 

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In my opinion, He gave up that rite when he cheated. Your son is old enough to have a relationship with him away from the home you live in. If you're not comfortable with him hanging out there..
 
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Is he still with his affair partner ? Did he move in with her ?

Thats real cake-eating. If he has broken off the affair but has agreed to separate because you asked him too but would like to see his son and do household repairs, then I am not to sure about the cake eating.
 
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Absolutely don't allow him to hang out every Saturday. If he wants to see your son then he can take him to his apartment or elsewhere. If you need something repaired then you can either ask him if he wants to fix it or you can have a repairman handle it.

He's looking for an excuse to be "home" but at the moment (and maybe forever if that's your choice) he gave up that right.
 

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Is he still with his affair partner ? Did he move in with her ?

Thats real cake-eating. If he has broken off the affair but has agreed to separate because you asked him too but would like to see his son and do household repairs, then I am not to sure about the cake eating.
He is trying to asuage his guilt."Yeah I may be a POS, but it's OK as I will do jobs on the house!"
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Mine tried doing the same thing! Only he also wanted to come over on Sundays to hang out and watch football (and eat my cooking). We tried it one time and all it did was make me angry so I said no more! He moved into an apt. not far at all from the house, he said he could help with the dog and stuff around the house. Uh, buddy, you don't live there anymore, you have no business being in MY home! I'm sure he wouldn't agree to me going to his apt., especially when he's not home!
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thank you to all of you who responded. I truly appreciate the advice.

My husband did not have an affair, per se, instead, he cheated throughout the entire 25 year marriage on and off with prostitutes.

I'm still shocked and waiting for Jerry Springer to come tell me I'm being punked.
 

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Thank you to all of you who responded. I truly appreciate the advice.

My husband did not have an affair, per se, instead, he cheated throughout the entire 25 year marriage on and off with prostitutes.

I'm still shocked and waiting for Jerry Springer to come tell me I'm being punked.
Yuck- file for D and get rid of his butt.

Also, get tested for STDs. You don't his crap.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
The first thing I did was get tested and am fortunately okay. I have 3 children and all three know the truth. My oldest daughter graduated college last year and is living in another part of the State. My middle child, daughter, is in her junior year of college and my son is the only one home, he is a junior in high school.
 

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My advice is, if you don't feel comfortable having him around, tell him he has to make plans to visit your son in other places. In my experience, when my ex showed up at our home after we had initially separated, one or both of the following happened: 1) we had makeup sex that never led to a makeup but made me feel horrible and used afterwards, and 2) stuff disappeared from our house that he had no right taking without first discussing it with me.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
As weird as it sounds, I found out about this 1 1/2 years ago. He just moved out. He had been laid off from his job, along with half of the company. At the same time, my sister was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer and I was her primary caregiver. There was a lot of back and forth to Stanford for her medical care. I needed someone to maintain the house and get my son to and from school, etc. In order for me to really be available to my sister, I needed him to stay in the home (separate bedrooms). Not to mention there was no income. As soon as he got a job he moved out.
So now it's my turn. I can finally really deal with this. It was nearly impossible to do while he was still in the home. I couldn't get any perspective on the situation. So in essence, it's almost as if it just happened. At least I can fully begin the grief process.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I'm pretty sure that I want a divorce. He wants to move back in and pretend nothing happened.
I'm amazed that some people, my H, have such a warped view of reality. Can you say "denial".
I'm tired of trying to shove a round peg in a square hole. It's time to get honest and deal with what is, not what could it be.
 

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First, I hope your sister is ok.

I'm pretty sure that I want a divorce. He wants to move back in and pretend nothing happened.
Then you have your answer. IF you were to decide not to divorce, he would have to first go through extensive, years-long therapy to get to the base of why he feels entitled to cheat on you with hookers. That won't be done easily.

And given that he wants to rugsweep, you now KNOW he will never DO that extensive therapy if you let him eat cake.

Refusing to allow him to come and go will accomplish two things. He'll be put in a situation where he will have to EARN you back - and that means therapy. He will never reach that conclusion if you just allow him to have the best of both worlds. And what if he gets caught and goes to jail? He needs to either stop for the sake of the family or you need to be legally/physically/financially separated from him so that his troubles don't come down on y'all's heads. And two, if you keep seeing him week in and week out, YOU will never heal and you'll be kept in limbo.
 
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