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Discussion Starter #1
Let me start out by explaining that my husband and I are new to the city we live in. We have been here a year. He has one guy friend, his parents, and sisters. I don't have any friends, I have 2 aunts, and cousins in the area. I am 9 years older than my husband. We don't have a problem with the age gap, but what I am about to explain has left me feeling uncomfortable and uneasy in my marriage and don't know how to proceed or if I am making a big thing out of a small issue.

I recently found out that my husband has acquired a new female friend that is four years younger than him. I found out by browsing his Facebook page when I noticed the section where it indicates So-n-So is now friends with yada, yada, yada. I noticed one of the friends is from the same city we live in. I looked at her page and saw how pretty the girl is. She is a nice looking girl and I could see why my husband would want to friend her up. His type is what immediately popped in my head. I know what makes my husbands head turn.

So I find this out and ask him about his new friend and why he hasn't mentioned her to me. The reason I asked is because he had met a nother female in a work setting and thought her and I would be a good fit so he wanted to try to set that up. So I asked, why hasn't 1) mentioned her and 2) why he hasn't thought that I could be friends with the girl. He said because she is much younger than me and in different places in our life, which makes sense. But I thought, we are the same nationality, just because she is younger doesn't mean I can't meet who my husband is befriending.

I was confused, why would my husband not tell me he made a friend and furthermore she is from the same country I am from. That would seem like a talking point. Anyhow I let that go. At least we discussed it and I felt a bit better it was out in the open.

A few weeks later I start being a bit more nosie and peek into his phone and go to his facebook. I wanted to see if my husband has tried to communicate with the girl since they met. The answer is "YES". He messaged her the very next day letting her know that he hopes she enjoyed the rest of her birthday and that it was nice meeting her and they should have lunch sometime again.

I never mentioned the way they met. He was at a smoothie place, she was in front of him in line, he said he noticed she was wearing a happy birthday pin so he wished her a happy birthday. They continued chatting from across tables, he then asked her if he could join her for lunch, she said yes, they chatted about who knows what, and then she asked if he was on FB during their conversation and that is how they are now friends on FB.

I would ike to know how any of you would deal with this type of situation? What would you think of your spouse if he/she is secretly meeting up with a stranger for lunch that you think your spouse has an attraction to?

I appreciate your feedback!
 

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OMG -- I think it was VERY inappropriate of your husband to invite himself over and ask to have lunch together. I don't care if she was outwardly flirting and rubbing his leg while standing in line. It's just not something a married man does without his wife there with someone of the opposite sex. It was very disresprectful to you. And how would he feel if you just started chatting it up with a good looking guy in line at Chipolte (or wherever!) and then have lunch and then facebook them and then ask him out for lunch again? I doubt he'd be pleased.

Tell him straight up that his growing friendship with her makes you uncomfortable unless he includes you in their outtings. And the age thing does not matter when it comes to friendships. My best girlfriend is 11 years older than me. So that's a ridiculous excuse to keep you away.

In the meantime it might be a good idea to find social groups in your new city that you BOTH can get involved in. It could be a dinner & movie group, or a bowling group, or a wine tasting group, etc. That is a wonderful way to meet new COUPLES and make friends.
 

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I never mentioned the way they met. He was at a smoothie place, she was in front of him in line, he said he noticed she was wearing a happy birthday pin so he wished her a happy birthday. They continued chatting from across tables, he then asked her if he could join her for lunch, she said yes, they chatted about who knows what, and then she asked if he was on FB during their conversation and that is how they are now friends on FB.
This is what single guys wish they were able to do to pick up girls. The only thing he didn't do is ask for her number. But that's what FB is for...and he used it to ask her out on a date.

No, no, no for a married man. :mad:
 

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I never mentioned the way they met. He was at a smoothie place, she was in front of him in line, he said he noticed she was wearing a happy birthday pin so he wished her a happy birthday. They continued chatting from across tables, he then asked her if he could join her for lunch, she said yes, they chatted about who knows what, and then she asked if he was on FB during their conversation and that is how they are now friends on FB
My question to him would be simple.

What purpose does this friendship serve? And to whom? Then watch him try and explain it all away as innocent, when he knows damn well it's not.

Nothing wrong with random small talk with a stranger. The chatting over lunch and contact after though is for HIS benefit in some way and not YOURS as a couple. That's the problem, and I'd be damned mad about it.
 

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I'm a dude and this is very wrong. You need to confront him with your feelings and tell him this is messed up. Don't let him diminish your feelings with bullcrap about how it's no big deal and you're making a big deal of nothing. That's not true. This is a big deal and needs to be nipped in the bud.

You also need to tell him straight up that this kind of behavior should not happen again. If he wants to be with someone else then have the courage to say so.
 

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I feel that your husband was being inappropriate for a married man and i agree with what other posters have said how would he feel if the tables were turned and it was you doing that with a "Guy Friend" ?? ask him that
 

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yes your husband is being inappropriate.

Yes if he got the chance, he'd f**k her. My husband is like this too. Meets women in coffee shops, next thing you know--- friends on facebook. He's even used my children to break the ice. My husband uses the business excuse though, it's kind of insulting that he thinks I'm so stupid but hey.

Watch this closely.
 

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Yeah....ummm....no

He only has one friend - introvert.
He picks up a strange woman at the smoothie store.
He didn't tell you about it.
When you ask if you could be her friend, he says no.
He asked her out on a date.

Either she is a friend of the marriage, or she needs to go.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you all for your feedback! I confronted my husband again and made it clear that what he did was inappropriate and disrespectful to me and our marriage. He apologized and told me that yes he did ask her out to lunch but realized it was not the right thing to do, so he deaded it.

Needless to say that after all this happened I am being cautios which sucks because I shouldn't have to feel this way in my marriage. He confirmed he deleted her from his friends after our conversation and showed me. However, I later found out he retained the communication between them and moved it to the archive folder rather than delete it.

Am I worrying too much about this? Is he holding onto the communication so she remembers him in case he wants to ask her out at a later time? IDK. I am very upset about all this because this girls birthday which was the day he approached her at lunch was three days before my own birthday and less than a month before our 1 year anniversary. I feel as if I am in sham of marriage and know that this is not the way I want to spend my marriage to the one person I am supposed to trust with everything. I know its not a perfect world, but damn!
 

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I later found out he retained the communication between them and moved it to the archive folder rather than delete it.
Just another deception.

You have every reason to worry about this and at this point you cannot worry enough! It's time to put on your super, dooper, snooping hat. He opened the door for you to verify that he is doing exactly what he says he's doing. You may not like what you find but at least you know what you are working with and can make an informed decision as to what step you need to take next. You can't rely on him right now to tell you the truth. He lost his credibility.
 

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Yes, I think this was very inappropriate. It's one thing to have small talk with someone. It's quite another to arrange to meet again after the fact. And to keep it a secret. He may not be doing anything, but the fact that he didn't tell you sounds like he knows he's wrong.
 

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Of course he knows he's wrong. But it sounds like he's still after the younger lady. Does she know he's married?

You need to sit him down and explain what he's doing because it sounds like he's in denial.

Life is just too short to spend so much of it snooping on a person who is supposed to be your friend and life's partner.
 

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Yes, what he did is very bad, disrespectfull and in my opinion he cheated. He basically asked her out on a date?

That being said, if you love him, and want to give him another chance, I would. As for the archiving the FB messsage, maybe he's just FB dumb. I was archiving all my messages for awhile not realizing that i wasn't deleting them. Not everyone is a Fb ninja savy! lol
 
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