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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,
I have been married twenty years. I had a brief affair last year where I slept with a guy for 8 times - it lasted for 4 months. Then I stopped it, realized what was wrong and went into fixing my marriage. We went counseling, and things are awesome since then.

I haven't told my husband so far but now it's haunting me, making me feel guilty. I think what I did was wrong, i should deal with consequences and take more responsibility. He has a right to know what a real person I am, then it'll be his decision to live with me or not. But again, I have young kids - so it might break our marriage, it will hurt him too much..

So, please advise..i'm so confused!!!

Thanks in advance,
V
 

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You should let it go. You made a mistake, and you made reparation for that mistake. Don't blow your marriage up to assuage your guilty conscience.
 

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You don't tell him to relieve yourself. You tell him because he deserves to know. He has been living a lie for the past however long. The longer you don't tell him the worse it will be for him when he finds out. He also deserves to know why his wife hasn't been his wife. Because you haven't.

Did you use protection? If not have you been STD tested?
 

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You can tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they fall.

You can take it to your grave and let it eat you alive and he'll probably never find out.

You can take it to your grave but he finds out years later and thinks that the past XX years has all been lies and you've been a cheater from day 1.

Sometimes you gotta pay the piper for your mistakes.

BTW, that wasn't a brief affair, just to let you know. And you think what you did was wrong???

How about "I KNOW what I did was wrong."

The truth will set you free.
 

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Yep, in my opinion. If she didn't want my opinion she wouldn't have posted :)
 

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It's time to face the music. He deserves to know. Do not take away his rights to know and make informed decisions for himself. Please, it's just not fair.
 

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No she wants your opinion on what she should do - not your opinion on my opinion.

Hope, I really respect you and enjoy your posts, but I would prefer to have respect for my opinion also, which is based upon the damage that might be done to her children, if the marriage breaks down. Is it worth that damage to little children, for her to assuage her guilt?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
well, we were not close, he had anger issues and he was blaming me for everything that was going wrong in our lives..I felt lonely, I talked to him, he changed for a day then again going back to himself..it was creating a distance between us.

I just thought there is some else out there who will protect me, love me and hence had an affair..There I realized, what am I doing? And I convinced my husband for counseling..and he started working on his anger..

I know what I did was wrong..but here is my dilemma, I know he has a right to know but it will hurt him deeply, it will break our marriage and it will effect kids as well.

I think that everyone is responsible for our own actions, I'll definitely face consequences for my actions sooner or later,God will punish me somehow.. I have to face that, no running from there but if my husband is happy in his life..why hurt him? I understood my mistake and will NEVER do that, so why hurt him - I'm changed person too..

So, i'm trying to understand - why exactly I want to tell him? to relieve guilt or stay with principles and tell the truth?
 

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Hi all,
I have been married twenty years. I had a brief affair last year where I slept with a guy for 8 times - it lasted for 4 months. Then I stopped it, realized what was wrong and went into fixing my marriage. We went counseling, and things are awesome since then.

I haven't told my husband so far but now it's haunting me, making me feel guilty. I think what I did was wrong, i should deal with consequences and take more responsibility. He has a right to know what a real person I am, then it'll be his decision to live with me or not. But again, I have young kids - so it might break our marriage, it will hurt him too much..

So, please advise..i'm so confused!!!

Thanks in advance,
V
I lost a friend over the advice I'm going to give you last year. She and her husband were on the verge of divorce, and then chose to reconcile and 'work' on it. I know of her affairs and told her if she truly wanted to reconcile with her husband that she would need to come clean about her activities. It's absolutely NOT right to present to him a false image, even if she thinks it will cause him distress. They have 4 children. She cut all contact off with me and I haven't spoken to her since I told her my opinion.

If you truly are 100% committed to working on your marriage then you'll tell your husband the absolute TRUTH about you. He should know what you've exposed himself to physically, and he should know the real you. When you chose to step outside of your marriage, you essentially gave away any control over the consequences of your actions.

Do the right thing and tell him. You've been selfish enough with the affairs.
 

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Hi all,
I have been married twenty years. I had a brief affair last year where I slept with a guy for 8 times - it lasted for 4 months. Then I stopped it, realized what was wrong and went into fixing my marriage. We went counseling, and things are awesome since then.

I haven't told my husband so far but now it's haunting me, making me feel guilty. I think what I did was wrong, i should deal with consequences and take more responsibility. He has a right to know what a real person I am, then it'll be his decision to live with me or not. But again, I have young kids - so it might break our marriage, it will hurt him too much..

So, please advise..i'm so confused!!!

Thanks in advance,
V

You don't suddenly realize something is wrong after you've done it for four months. I don't know exactly what woke you up to what you were doing; maybe the sex didn't live up to the anticipation, maybe he broke it off, but I have a hard time believing that you were able to rationalize breaking your marriage vows eight times physically (you haven't really said to what degree the EA occurred) and then suddenly found Jesus.

The problem you face is that you didn't come clean immediately. If you tell your husband, which you totally should no matter the consequences, all of the good times since that rough patch will be for naught. They'll just be part of the affair, since the lying has been constant since that time. Nonetheless, your husband deserves the truth.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I lost a friend over the advice I'm going to give you last year. She and her husband were on the verge of divorce, and then chose to reconcile and 'work' on it. I know of her affairs and told her if she truly wanted to reconcile with her husband that she would need to come clean about her activities. It's absolutely NOT right to present to him a false image, even if she thinks it will cause him distress. They have 4 children. She cut all contact off with me and I haven't spoken to her since I told her my opinion.

If you truly are 100% committed to working on your marriage then you'll tell your husband the absolute TRUTH about you. He should know what you've exposed himself to physically, and he should know the real you. When you chose to step outside of your marriage, you essentially gave away any control over the consequences of your actions.

Do the right thing and tell him. You've been selfish enough with the affairs.
I know what I did was wrong..but here is my dilemma, I know he has a right to know but it will hurt him deeply, it will break our marriage and it will effect kids as well.

I think that everyone is responsible for their own actions, I'll definitely face consequences for my actions sooner or later,God will punish me somehow.. I have to face that, no running from there but if my husband is happy in his life..why hurt him? I understood my mistake and will NEVER do that, so why hurt him - I'm changed person now..
 

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V, let's say you don't say anything at all and continue with life. Then suddenly, x amount of years later he finds out the truth. ALL that time since the beginning of the R will be nothing in his mind. He'll resent you and feel as though he'd wasted all that time. Imagine for just a moment, what that would look like. Again, please tell him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
You don't suddenly realize something is wrong after you've done it for four months. I don't know exactly what woke you up to what you were doing; maybe the sex didn't live up to the anticipation, maybe he broke it off, but I have a hard time believing that you were able to rationalize breaking your marriage vows eight times physically (you haven't really said to what degree the EA occurred) and then suddenly found Jesus.

The problem you face is that you didn't come clean immediately. If you tell your husband, which you totally should no matter the consequences, all of the good times since that rough patch will be for naught. They'll just be part of the affair, since the lying has been constant since that time. Nonetheless, your husband deserves the truth.
Yes, I found Gos!! I became very spiritual, starting reading spiritual books..that's what changed my heart and mind and i paid attention to my mariage.. And I broke up with him..I realized God has created this marriage and if we cannot love one person unconditionally in the world then i cannot do anything..that's why I started showing affection to my husband, convinced him for counseling etc..and love and kindness is powerful..
 

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It will be a lot worse if he finds out through someone else. If it was a one nighter then I would maybe say don't tell but this was a LTR. It's whatever you can live with, but if he finds out....
 

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I know what I did was wrong..but here is my dilemma, I know he has a right to know but it will hurt him deeply, it will break our marriage and it will effect kids as well.

I think that everyone is responsible for their own actions, I'll definitely face consequences for my actions sooner or later,God will punish me somehow.. I have to face that, no running from there but if my husband is happy in his life..why hurt him? I understood my mistake and will NEVER do that, so why hurt him - I'm changed person now..
I'm of this opinion on the bolded...

If you were really concerned about hurting your husband then maybe you wouldn't have the dilemma. Cause and effect. You set something in motion that you no longer have control over by making poor decisions. And you DID hurt him, he just doesn't know HOW MUCH. The rabbit hole goes deeper than he's aware, and woe to you when he finds out how deceitful you really have been. You're not who he thinks you are.

So can you present yourself as a false image of a wife to him indefinitely? If you can then you're good. I couldn't live with myself knowing every day I was lying to my #1 love in the world. I would feel he would deserve the truth about me. I would feel I owed it to him to be honest.

I also look at it like this, the day I layed down with any other man was the day I gave up any control over what happens next. It's out of my hands. The worst scenario I can think of is that your husband would find out about your activities on his own. That would be a truly awful day.
 

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One problem with "not telling" is what will happen when he finds out by some other method, at a latter time. Can one be sure all evidence will stay hidden and all parties will be discrete under any circumstances, forever.

"A secret is only a secret when it is unspoken to another"

The other problem is a guilty conscience eats away at ones soul.
 

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No she wants your opinion on what she should do - not your opinion on my opinion.

Hope, I really respect you and enjoy your posts, but I would prefer to have respect for my opinion also, which is based upon the damage that might be done to her children, if the marriage breaks down. Is it worth that damage to little children, for her to assuage her guilt?
I do not agree whatsoever with ever keeping infidelity a secret from the BS. Ever. And I do not agree that a marriage breaking up is such a horrible thing to have happen. Sorry if I came across bluntly about that.

It is impossible for her to be the best parent she can be keeping such a secret, and it is impossible for their marriage to be the best it can be. And such things do not always result in the break up of the marriage. Experiences of infidelity can even result in better marriages in the long run. We don't know what his reaction might be.

Lying to your spouse like that for months and years does nothing but poison things. And when he finds out in ten years, what then?? Then she's lied to him for ten years, not just a few months.

Nope, keeping such a secret is NEVER a good idea. Ever.
 
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