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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi All,

Need some advice from a male perspective. Not all "I hate his friends" situations are the same, so please don't categorize me.

I will try to keep this short and sweet and unbiased as possible. I have been dating my current fiancee for 6 years on and off. He is a classy guy from a split home that was very spoiled and raised mostly by his single mother. She let him hang out with a pretty bad crowd and do whatever you know- bad divorce. His close guy friends dropped out of high school to go on rock tour as a band and the amount of drugs, alcohol, and adultery is too much to go on about.
I met him after college- was cool with that lifestyle at 24 but didn't quite fit in with my nerdy ways. The guys grew to dislike me and stuff got really bad. I would comment to my partner that they borrowed money too much and didn't pick up the tabs when he was around and made fun of people nonstop. The ringleader got drunk one night and chased me down yelling and screaming that I was using my partner for his money and he had bought my car for me, etc etc all complete BS. I have had 2-3 jobs the whole time we have dated and my car was purchased 2 years before meeting him.
Anyways, security saw the scene and kicked him out after he tried to punch me, my partner finally stopped the insanity and pushed him against the wall so I could get away.
Just an example of how nasty these people are. Total drama queens looking to F something or fight someone every night. So the ringleader got pissed and started all this **** talking about me and soon everyone jumped in and I was "the loser". I ended up leaving my partner and tripling my income by moving out of state and landing an awesome job. My weekend business started doing well also and I regained my confidence. After about 1.5 years my partner got tired of their drama and moved here to be with me. He had matured and stopped partying as much and proposed marriage to me after another 1.5 years.
Now, he wants to move back to his small hometown where all these bad friends are and bring me with him after the wedding. They have told him they were sorry but said rude things to me on the phone when they know he isn't in town. We just don't get along. I feel VERY VERY uncomfortable around these people. I get sick to my stomach thinking of dealing with them again and how depressed they once made me. Especially after some of them got in my face. Totally inappropriate. What kind of friends are they being to my partner by disrespecting me???
We have gone to counseling and they are horrified when I tell them everything. He won't go anymore. He is acting like he won't hang out with them after we move back but I know he never makes new friends and 90% chance he will go back to hanging out with them after a few months. I cannot fathom having these people in my house or near me at all. We love each other to death but quitting my job and my growing business here to end up in a bad economy and these horrible people seems very scary.

What is your vote? You all should know that you can't tell a guy to ditch his friends. He won't. And if he did, it would only lead to resentment. He wants everyone to be friends and have a beer together. How am I supposed to do that after someone tried to punch me?

Thank you for sharing your opinions.
 

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Seems you fiancee has more respect for his friends than you. Cut and run now. I do not see this getting any better for you.

I ended up leaving my partner and tripling my income by moving out of state and landing an awesome job.
This is the clincher for me. You are more productive away from him and his toxic friends. Don't fuel their good times with your hard labor. Stay were you are. Send him home. Find a person that respects your feelings and concerns.
 

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Your instincts are spot on. Stay where you are.

BTW, you don't mention what your fiancée does for work now. If he has loads of time to hang with his loser buddies you can guarantee that will start happening almost immediately.
 

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Anyways, security saw the scene and kicked him out after he tried to punch me, my partner finally stopped the insanity and pushed him against the wall so I could get away.
Just an example of how nasty these people are. Total drama queens looking to F something or fight someone every night. So the ringleader got pissed and started all this **** talking about me and soon everyone jumped in and I was "the loser".
This is not something that I could recover from. And I consider that a strength,
 

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Do not move.
You know it would be a mistake if that means you have to move on it will more than likely be for the best.
 

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What kind of friends are they being to my partner by disrespecting me???

ANSWER-They are bad friends who don't support your fiance or your relationship.


We have gone to counseling and they are horrified when I tell them everything. He won't go anymore. He is acting like he won't hang out with them after we move back but I know he never makes new friends and 90% chance he will go back to hanging out with them after a few months. I cannot fathom having these people in my house or near me at all. We love each other to death but quitting my job and my growing business here to end up in a bad economy and these horrible people seems very scary.

MY RESPONSE- He doesn't want to continue counseling because he knows what any resonable person would do...

What is your vote? You all should know that you can't tell a guy to ditch his friends. He won't

MY RESPONSE...
I don't agree...I know many people that don't talk to at least one person that were in their wedding party....Based up what you have said his friends don't deserve a second chance. My close friend of 10 years dissrespected my wife in a much-less extreme fashion. I turned my back him and on a mutual friend who did not fully appreciate the magnitude of what this person did. I did it for 2 reasons;

1- It is likely that he will NEVER respect my wife or the marriage.

2- How could I trust that he would not act like an A%%hole again...at a family function....bbq..whatever.


I don't believe the essence of somewhat changes. Once an A%%hole always and A%%...
You would be fool to move back there and leaving a good job and business (if i understand correctly). A man who has truly matured would understand this.

You should ask yourself why a reasonable man would ask you to give up what you have to go to a small town (even if it was not filled with his loser friends who mocked you and you relationship with their behavior). Small towns are cute...but, they will not offer the opportunity for opportunity for you going forward. A truly worthy partner would recognize these truths as self-evident.

There is a word for men who don't want to give up their loser friends...the word "boy" comes to mind.

If he doesn't see this he is a jerk and..well..good luck..you're going to need it.

Sorry to be harsh.
 

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Go to visit, first.
It's been many YEARS, and likely many brain cells since they were "bad", and likely they have relationships and responsibilities.

See how it works out for a week. Don't tell your husband you expect anything, or tell him you're being a detective, just say you want to "see how things are there these days".

I'd say these people likely HAD problems then. I'm not saying give anybody any "benefit of the doubt", but go, do, and watch. Then you can talk to your husband exactly how you need to, based on today, not three or more years ago.

People do certainly change.
 

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What is a friend? Someone who has your best interests at heart. By definition, these were not friends, they were convenient acquaintances. He shouldn't make the mistake of thinking that they were actually real friends. He shouldn't accord them any respect at this point.
 

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Individuals have to be strong. A lot of people will hide behind that "my friend is just looking out for me."

My husband (we just got married) tried using that line with me when defending the actions /advice of his (ex) EA. I told him " as smart as you say you are, it should have been clear that that woman had a lot to gain by keeping you single..... even when she acquired a boyfriend."

OP, friends should be an enhancement to one's life. A friend should never be a master to that person. If you feel that your partner prioritises his friends over you -- no matter what the sex is of that friend -- then you need to move on.
 

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I would tolerate or accept that behavior. There are to many good hearted and good natured people in this world. It sounds as though you've become highly successful in your ventures away from those other people. Do you really want to sabotage what you've worked so hard for?

My thoughts. Stay put. Lose contact. Make friends with people who will rise with you.

I would tell your fiancee what you think and feel about the overall situation. You are correct in saying that you can't make him ditch his friends...but ultimately, do you want to spend your life with someone who chooses those types of friends in the first place? Just a thought.
 

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Thanks for asking your question. I am not sure how to respond because if I was in love with a woman and wanted to marry her, she would always have precedence over my friends - period. Anyone who would tolerate the kind of behavior you have described from one of their friends toward their girlfriend/fiance' would be suspect in my sight. That so called "friend" would not remain in my life.

Marriage is a partnership of love between two people who listen to each other and commit to meeting the other's needs. Why does he want to move back to that town? Is that something you even want to do? Have you considered pre-marital counseling? I believe strongly in good counseling before marriage because it brings out issues that you never thought were even present. In most cases, I don't think anyone should get married without doing it in some form.

Understand one thing, marriage is the most important relationship you will ever establish and it should be a source of great security. I hope that you and your fiance' have that as you move forward. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 

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You got a great career where you are at, I don't know whats in your mans mind for wanting to move back to a place where you were treated horribly.

It would be stupid to move back there. I'm not saying that people can't grow up, but it's unlikely that whole crew is now this great positive motivating force that wants to do good for you. Plus there is no jobs there.

Ask your man what the heck is he thinking? It's really a stupid idea.
 
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
First of all, Thank you to everyone who read or replied to this thread. I am deeply moved that so many people who have never met me want to help for free. Most sincere thanks. You have given me a breath of fresh air in a very stressful day.

I did go to visit him this past weekend. Just drove up there without notice to talk in person and "feel the place out". We had been fighting about the move and his friends and I wanted to finally make a decision about whether to move back there and get married. His house hasn't sold in 2 years and his family/ family businesses are there so that is why he wants to move back into the house. And also his friends are part of the motivation I think he really misses them.

I was surprised how well it went. It felt nice to be in the country and stay in "our house" that is paid for and very nice and spacious after the cluttered apartment back home. It is nice to think I will not have housing bills and can just run my business there full time. His mom is offering me a free office space too. But how much money I would make there is uncertain? Still have student loans and personal expenses to pay you know.

The stressful part are his friends. I get really angry recalling the way they treated me. I can forgive- but only when people are truly sorry and show it- and I've seen the opposite from them. One of his friends told him to cheat on me. At what point is it acceptable to punch someone in the face???

I feel like if I ever saw them I would have to run outside and call a cab to take me away or else the devil would come out. I have no respect for cheating or even advocating it.

I am embarrassed he has kept contact with them. If a man does that, it only opens the door for the aggressor to act even worse. Because then the friends know they can treat me badly and still retain the friendship with him.

I think there are 3 choices:
1) I get hypnosis to forget everything his friends did and we all live happily unless they mess up again? Does hypnosis actually work? At this point, I'm willing to try!!!
2) He agrees to lose contact with the worst offenders. Can this be put into a pre-nup? They won't be allowed on the property? At least I'd be physically protected?
3) We call off the wedding which is 7 weeks away.

Again, many thanks for your advice and concern.
 

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Seems like you've done better for yourself without him around *hint*. I see greater risk for you than benefit getting back with him. Of course, you are marrying him not his friends, but...

Why is he not man enough to stop all this crap previously..? Don't think it will change.
 

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I dunno... The fact that you're moving back to a small town makes it all that much more likely that shucking off the "worst" friends isn't going to happen. Combine that with the fact that you won't be able to leave (since you can't sell his house) and the likely difficulties you'll have finding a job...

C
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He should NOT want you there. You guys can live a distance away, say 50 miles, but he should not want you in there. Also he would not spend that much time with those "friends" who were so abusive and disrespectful to his fiancé.
 
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Seems like you've done better for yourself without him around *hint*. I see greater risk for you than benefit getting back with him. Of course, you are marrying him not his friends, but...

Why is he not man enough to stop all this crap previously..? Don't think it will change.
All those friends did not change, and she shouldn't even be being subjected to being in the same environment. Plus she made a good living for herself and there is not really jobs in that old town.

It's just a bad idea that's selfish on behalf of the boyfriend, I don't even think he realizes the depths of what he allowed his woman to endure, nor the disrespect in trying to move her back there.
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
So the worst of the friends are trying to make amends now that we are married (I told him this would happen, sad they couldn't jump on the bandwagon the 4 years we had this problem with them before the marriage) They haven't done anything REALLY nice that my heart really needs to see but there has been one written apology that was OK and one nice facebook post on one of our photos. I believe that because he backed off of their friendships a little bit, they are being forced to try to win him back by showing me some (maybe fake) kindness. It doesn't feel like they are truly sorry or want to be around me.

I told him I would be angry at them after the marriage when this happened too late. Its just so fake IMO. But I guess even a little positivity is better than nothing.

So....I would be needing to turn in my two weeks at work in the next few days and I'm still on the fence about what to do....

Should I move there, try to save my marriage, and see how these people act around me? I've come to realize that my husband will probably never change. He does not hold grudges like I do, and he will probably never change his core group of old friends. They are all just so close knit I don't think they will ever stop being around each other. I am so sensitive and completely the opposite- I cut off people who are rude, especially to my partner.

Not everyone has to be the same or have the same ideals- but this one just resonates so strong with me-- why do I have to be the one to change? I know I will be uncomfortable if I am at home or work and he leaves to go hang out with people who were rude to me. I am happy for him when he hangs out with nice people though, its not a jealousy thing with any friend in general.

He did back off from them but I'm afraid when we move back, he will "find" the friendships again and start seeing them more and I will be forever upset and angry at him and vice versa.

Recently he was back in that town and I asked what he was doing and he lied to me. He purposefully went to see them and told me he was doing something else. I had to look at his phone to find out the truth. I brought it up to him and he just shirked me off and ignored it. He keeps telling me he loves me and won't discuss it with me. He just wants me to move there and be able to have both groups- me and the rude friends in his life.

I love this man and he loves me VERY much. He just can't let go of these people, they mean a lot to him. Soooo, now that they are trying to be nice, should I just get over it and try them out? Or learn to not be angry when he leaves to see them? Let him go to football games and parties at their houses and just ignore it? I don't know how this is possible? How do I get over this emotionally? Would you be able to? It feels like a betrayal every time he sees them, especially if he has lied about it to keep me from leaving him.

How do you become friendly or tolerate someone that cut you down so hard you didn't want to live anymore? I had to leave the man I loved for 1-2 years because of these people and during all those years fighting and apart they did nothing to help him get me back. They kept hoping we would break up. This is the ONLY problem we have ever had. We are so happy and loving until he goes to hang out with them and I find out about it.

There is a small chance that when I move back there with him, he will not be so lonely in that big house and he won't be leaving to see them very often or at all. He will have me and our mutual friends there for company. But should I really take that small chance and leave my life here to bank on that? There is also a chance that since he will be located closer to the bad friends he will become stronger friends with them and I will be uncomfortable and have to leave again.

Thanks for advice. I'm very stressed about this.
 
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