[99OLEPACS]

Hello All,
This is my first time here. I never thought of myself as the type to seek the advice from others but then again I never thought I'd be in this situation either...
My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for 3 and we have a beautiful little boy. I realize no marriage is perfect but before last week I would of described ours as pretty damn close. Our relationship is not just good but unusually great. I'm talking about reading each other's thoughts, mushy, and "awww how cute" inspiring. My wife is very affectionate always telling me how much she loves me and she can't see her life any other way than with me. We always talk about how we have truly found our soul mates. We bicker of course and we definitely have our moments but we communicate very well. Doesn't feel forced. We're friends and lovers and always have been since we met at age 19 and 20. Love life has always been awesome, as awesome as it could be with our little one running the house I should say.

Now that i got that embarrassing stuff out of the way, Here's the situation. Last week we were all on a small family holiday and staying in a hotel. My wife was showing me some pictures of our son she took running a muck around the hotel room. As I looked I saw a Skype message appear from someone saying "lol sorry I got super drunk last night, what photos did you try to send?". Of course I got F-Ing pissed and when i asked her who it was she admitted it was some guy she met on some lame social networking app. I demanded answers and she was very honest (or so I think) saying it was just friends but that even so she should not have kept anything from me. The messages started with her saying good morning, prior to that all messages had been deleted. I messaged him asking who he was any why he was communicating with my wife. He quickly responded saying exactly what she said-that they met and just shared silly photos of stuff at work and dumb faces. He said they were just friends. I asked him straight out man to man if they were sharing photos of each other's genitals (I used much more graphic lingo) and he said no nothing like that. He said he saw her ring and was not about to start doing that stuff with someone who was married. At this point my wife was on her knees crying saying how stupid of her this was and begging for my forgiveness. I could see the hurt in her eyes which made me hurt even more than I already was. After that I pressed him even further telling him who I was and that he needs to come clean if there's anything I should know about that it's not his fault but hers. He said again that it was nothing like that and apologized. I asked that he stay away for good even if it was just friendly correspondence. The messages ended there and he apparently deleted her from his contacts. I went through the pictures of her camera roll and found the last picture she was trying to send him. It was her sticking her tongue out at him and although it was definitely flirty because she was in her night gown, nothing was exposed. That's the photo that did not make it through because of a connection issue. Since then my wife has cried to me everyday saying how pissed she is at herself for doing something so stupid and damaging us. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and can't hide the fact that I am upset and hurt. She is extremely remorseful and I can see the agony on her face, I know her like the back of my hand and I know it's genuine. I get about 100 text messages from her while we are at work saying how much she loves me and our family, that NOTHING has never happened in the past and that nothing ever will because she's so in love with me. She tells me how many times she has to leave her unit to go to the bathroom and cry. It's been a week since this happened and I still have not forgiven her, but I want to REALLY BAD. I am not perfect and although I have never cheated on her I have done some things I am not proud of on those "lame" social networking sites in the past too. I knew that about myself and was very ashamed. I guess I just never expected that from her. I sincerely believe and even know that she has never cheated on me. We spend almost every hour of every day together and even worked in the same building for six years until last year. The weird part is that our love like skyrocketed recently like we were 22 again! I just figured it was she was reading that 50 Shades series and I figured hey...win win! I am dreadfully in love with my wife and I know from our history, relationship and her recent remorse that the feeling is mutual.

Am I overreacting?

Please no hurtful comments about me or my wife. It's one thing to have an opinion but please try to be constructive about it. Thank you.

 

[Jonesey]

No your not overreacting..

But are you sure this is the first time? And how long did this go on?

I would key logg the home computer,just in case..

 

[TDSC60]

First- do not down play how a woman can get emotionally involved with a man she has never met face to face. I have heard and seen marriages end over this exact situation. It seems you have caught it early which is a good thing.

For me, the whole "social network" deal is stupid. Why would you want to exchange personal information with someone you don't even know. Crazy.

OK to move forward you and your wife have to establish limits and boundaries. I would say no more social networking for either of you. That whole thing is a big landmine waiting to blow.

Basically your wife was in the early stages of an emotional affair (assuming that you have the entire truth). You will eventually forgive her, but you were hurt by her actions and it will take some time to get over it.

My advice is that both of you stay away from on-line chats, networks, games, everything. Spend time together. Get to know each other again. Try to figure out why either of you feel the need to involve other people in your life like this.

You are definitely not over reacting - you just got a wake up call - use it wisely.

 

[CleanJerkSnatch]

You've gotten solid advice in the first few posts, OP dont let this escalate into a 20 pager of you going back to finally listening and reading the first few posts.

Stay away from everything as TDSC60 said, no girls night out, no boys night out, no sleep overs, no luncheons with friends of the opposite sex, no drinking to drunkenness around other couples, no texting other men from work outside of work, no secret emails, and the list goes on

It is rare that wayward spouses act that way. Take it as a warning, and keep verifying. Waywards have been known to cry and beg and show agony and every time they are caught they shed a few more tears and a bit more rolling around on the ground for them to continue cake eating. Nip it in the bud.

 

[99OLEPACS]

No your not overreacting..

But are you sure this is the first time? And how long did this go on?

I would key logg the home computer,just in case..

I asked her to be completely honest with me and she swears up and down that this has NEVER happened and will never happen again. She has my passwords to everything and vice versa. She even went to confession.

 

[99OLEPACS]

You've gotten solid advice in the first few posts, OP dont let this escalate into a 20 pager of you going back to finally listening and reading the first few posts.

Stay away from everything as TDSC60 said, no girls night out, no boys night out, no sleep overs, no luncheons with friends of the opposite sex, no drinking to drunkenness around other couples, no texting other men from work outside of work, no secret emails, and the list goes on

It is rare that wayward spouses act that way. Take it as a warning, and keep verifying. Waywards have been known to cry and beg and show agony and every time they are caught they shed a few more tears and a bit more rolling around on the ground for them to continue cake eating. Nip it in the bud.

I hate the idea of living this trustless life. We don't go out anyway and when we do it's together or with family. A night out for us usually involves Netflix and a six pack. In twelve years this is the FIRST time we've experienced something like this.

 

[99OLEPACS]

First- do not down play how a woman can get emotionally involved with a man she has never met face to face. I have heard and seen marriages end over this exact situation. It seems you have caught it early which is a good thing.

For me, the whole "social network" deal is stupid. Why would you want to exchange personal information with someone you don't even know. Crazy.

OK to move forward you and your wife have to establish limits and boundaries. I would say no more social networking for either of you. That whole thing is a big landmine waiting to blow.

Basically your wife was in the early stages of an emotional affair (assuming that you have the entire truth). You will eventually forgive her, but you were hurt by her actions and it will take some time to get over it.

My advice is that both of you stay away from on-line chats, networks, games, everything. Spend time together. Get to know each other again. Try to figure out why either of you feel the need to involve other people in your life like this.

You are definitely not over reacting - you just got a wake up call - use it wisely.

I completely agree that although the intentions were friendly this could have escalated to something where actual feelings were attached. She says she only communicated with him for 4 days. I know this will take time for me to rebuild my trust but I refuse to live life monitoring her every move. I shouldn't have to. and she shouldn't have to monitor me either. Also, am I wrong for seeking advise from complete strangers?? After all one could argue that this in itself is involving other people in our lives right? Sorry, I know I am a hot mess right now.

 

[walkonmars]

Do not believe the 'skype friend's' intentions. He KNEW she was married and thought nothing of flirting with her. Yes the playful tongue pic was flirting. Where was this supposed to lead?

On the other hand, your description of the marriage makes it sound like your wife was not street-smart enough to see where this could lead. And I'm almost certain that the skype friend had an ultimate goal.

You mentioned that you don't want to be un-trusting, however you were nothing BUT trusting and the marriage, unbeknownst to you was on the verge of entering some troubled waters. So, be vigilant. At least for a while. Your wife seems to be sincere in her remorse but you must PROTECT your family through honest conversation about this almost-relationship - and oversight by you as the head of the household.

my best wishes for a long and successful marriage.

 

[walkonmars]

Also, am I wrong for seeking advise from complete strangers?? After all one could argue that this in itself is involving other people in our lives right? Sorry, I know I am a hot mess right now.

When someone here starts sending you flirty messages/pics drop the acct like a hot potato.

BTW it takes some nerve to send a stranger your phone number. It's relatively easy to locate a general location if not an actual location if both cells have certain attributes. Same with skype - I wouldn't skype ANYONE I don't personally know - same for my wife - although she barely knows how to use her cell

 

[Jonesey]

I asked her to be completely honest with me and she swears up and down that this has NEVER happened and will never happen again. She has my passwords to everything and vice versa. She even went to confession.

Here is a copy and paste from Cleanjerksnacth
it is rare that wayward spouses act that way. Take it as a warning, and keep verifying. Waywards have been known to cry and beg and show agony and every time they are caught they shed a few more tears and a bit more rolling around on the ground for them to continue cake eating. Nip it in the bud.

Pay really good attention to what he wrote..
Here is one good reason for it

"you wrote"
She says she only communicated with him for 4 days.

The messages started with her saying good morning, prior to that all messages had been deleted.

To many strange thing´s for my liking.Considering she only known him for 4 days.. Please. monitor. And also check her phone records. Hopefully it will revel nothing..

 

[daggeredheart]

Those darn social sites--- make it so easy to get carried away. The hardest part for us is _how fast_ they can escalate. Seems impossible that one could fall in love, share personal details and contemplate chucking their marriage for someone they've never met but they do. It's the most unusual type of EA because it's all built on dust.

My WH had a online only EA and my BFF said, "that's like you falling in love with Homer Simpson and wanting to run away with him." I got a good laugh and it really highlighted the absurdity of the situation but it's no laughing matter when you realize how deeply it can wound your relationship.

It's not the content that is important it's the willingness of her to cross over those boundaries and how addicting those feelings are when someone is feeding your ego.

 

[Jonesey]

Crap missed the part of that the also was Skyping..
that was quick consider it only went on for 4 days.

Damn it..It seem´s to be more to this

 

[99OLEPACS]

When someone here starts sending you flirty messages/pics drop the acct like a hot potato.

BTW it takes some nerve to send a stranger your phone number. It's relatively easy to locate a general location if not an actual location if both cells have certain attributes. Same with skype - I wouldn't skype ANYONE I don't personally know - same for my wife - although she barely knows how to use her cell

No phone numbers were exchanged thank goodness. And I meant involving other people in our lives for advise not for flirting. Unless this is all a big lie to get flirty pics?? Just kidding thanks for your reply
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[lovelygirl]

Just 4 days? And she exchanges flirty pictures with this man?
There could be more to this.

WW spouses swear eve on their children to save their cheating a$$. They are known to be born-actors.

Funny how she suddenly apologizes and realizes this was a mistake. Didn't she have 4 days time to figure it out? Why did she decide to hate herself and him ONLY after she was caught??

She's just sorry she got caught. The messages would still be going on if you hadn't come across the weird message on Skype that night.

 

[MattMatt]

I am not perfect and although I have never cheated on her I have done some things I am not proud of on those "lame" social networking sites in the past too. I knew that about myself and was very ashamed. I guess I just never expected that from her.

Did you confess those to your wife, or not?

It seems as if you hold your wife to higher standards of behaviour than you hold yourself. That's not good.

You might need to use couples counselling to discuss the issues you have raised with a neutral third party.

 

[99OLEPACS]

Hi, yes I told her about that. I felt very guilty and nipped that behavior right away. I agree my double standard thinking is unfair and unrealistic. I told her that too. Before this our biggest issue was who has to bathe the baby after exhausting days at work. That's why this is so difficult. I made the mistakes in the past and learned from them. Shouldn't I give her the same chance? Can people make mistakes and learn from them? I gets that's the question. I don't plan on throwing away 12 years of deep roots for this. Our relationship is much more than I can explain in one thread.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[MattMatt]

Hi, yes I told her about that. I felt very guilty and nipped that behavior right away. I agree my double standard thinking is unfair and unrealistic. I told her that too. Before this our biggest issue was who has to bathe the baby after exhausting days at work. That's why this is so difficult. I made the mistakes in the past and learned from them. Shouldn't I give her the same chance? Can people make mistakes and learn from them? I gets that's the question. I don't plan on throwing away 12 years of deep roots for this. Our relationship is much more than I can explain in one thread.
Posted via Mobile Device

Did you tell her about what you did before or after she did it?

I truly think couples counselling could help.

 

[kipani]

Hello All,
This is my first time here. I never thought of myself as the type to seek the advice from others but then again I never thought I'd be in this situation either...
My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for 3 and we have a beautiful little boy. I realize no marriage is perfect but before last week I would of described ours as pretty damn close. Our relationship is not just good but unusually great. I'm talking about reading each other's thoughts, mushy, and "awww how cute" inspiring. My wife is very affectionate always telling me how much she loves me and she can't see her life any other way than with me. We always talk about how we have truly found our soul mates. We bicker of course and we definitely have our moments but we communicate very well. Doesn't feel forced. We're friends and lovers and always have been since we met at age 19 and 20. Love life has always been awesome, as awesome as it could be with our little one running the house I should say.

Now that i got that embarrassing stuff out of the way, Here's the situation. Last week we were all on a small family holiday and staying in a hotel. My wife was showing me some pictures of our son she took running a muck around the hotel room. As I looked I saw a Skype message appear from someone saying "lol sorry I got super drunk last night, what photos did you try to send?". Of course I got F-Ing pissed and when i asked her who it was she admitted it was some guy she met on some lame social networking app. I demanded answers and she was very honest (or so I think) saying it was just friends but that even so she should not have kept anything from me. The messages started with her saying good morning, prior to that all messages had been deleted. I messaged him asking who he was any why he was communicating with my wife. He quickly responded saying exactly what she said-that they met and just shared silly photos of stuff at work and dumb faces. He said they were just friends. I asked him straight out man to man if they were sharing photos of each other's genitals (I used much more graphic lingo) and he said no nothing like that. He said he saw her ring and was not about to start doing that stuff with someone who was married. At this point my wife was on her knees crying saying how stupid of her this was and begging for my forgiveness. I could see the hurt in her eyes which made me hurt even more than I already was. After that I pressed him even further telling him who I was and that he needs to come clean if there's anything I should know about that it's not his fault but hers. He said again that it was nothing like that and apologized. I asked that he stay away for good even if it was just friendly correspondence. The messages ended there and he apparently deleted her from his contacts. I went through the pictures of her camera roll and found the last picture she was trying to send him. It was her sticking her tongue out at him and although it was definitely flirty because she was in her night gown, nothing was exposed. That's the photo that did not make it through because of a connection issue. Since then my wife has cried to me everyday saying how pissed she is at herself for doing something so stupid and damaging us. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and can't hide the fact that I am upset and hurt. She is extremely remorseful and I can see the agony on her face, I know her like the back of my hand and I know it's genuine. I get about 100 text messages from her while we are at work saying how much she loves me and our family, that NOTHING has never happened in the past and that nothing ever will because she's so in love with me. She tells me how many times she has to leave her unit to go to the bathroom and cry. It's been a week since this happened and I still have not forgiven her, but I want to REALLY BAD. I am not perfect and although I have never cheated on her I have done some things I am not proud of on those "lame" social networking sites in the past too. I knew that about myself and was very ashamed. I guess I just never expected that from her. I sincerely believe and even know that she has never cheated on me. We spend almost every hour of every day together and even worked in the same building for six years until last year. The weird part is that our love like skyrocketed recently like we were 22 again! I just figured it was she was reading that 50 Shades series and I figured hey...win win! I am dreadfully in love with my wife and I know from our history, relationship and her recent remorse that the feeling is mutual.

Am I overreacting?

Please no hurtful comments about me or my wife. It's one thing to have an opinion but please try to be constructive about it. Thank you.

YOU SEE 99olepacks, I'm 28 years old and until JUST recently I learned that men and women can't be friends! I mean WOMEN can be friends with men, but men always have another agenda!

EDIT - Nevermind, I just read she was sending pics of her in her nightgown. HIGHLY inappropriate. You are not wrong. I just put goofy facebook photos of ducklips are my profile picture, never sent anyone stuff like that! HELL no, that's borderline cheating. That was flirty! You have a right to be upset! She must want to feel sexy or appreciated I think?? Are you neglecting her a little lately? Maybe she misses the excitement?

 

[99OLEPACS]

Did you tell her about what you did before or after she did it?

I truly think couples counselling could help.

After. Wrong I know. I know that counseling is super helpful for most couples but we both agree that we need to work it out ourselves. Although she is totally open for it. I plan on visiting my psychiatrist more often to work on myself. Ok this is going to sound really cheesy but I think true love transcends. If what we have is as special as I think it is then we will get through this and have an even stronger relationship. I know it sounds like I'm filling myself when I say this but I don't think she would ever have let it escalate to something deeply emotional or sexual. We strongly suspected her father was having an affair and she cried her eyes out for days about it so I have to believe that this was an isolated, stupid and childish mistake on her part.
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[kipani]

If you did something to her, she mostly forgave but probably not all the way I'm betting and she'll never forget. When we feel we're that close, and something like that happens, it feels like a big fat lie. It might even have escalated for her and him. The nightgown pictures make me think SHE WANTED him to hit on her. Almost as if she was GIVING him an opportunity.