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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Quick run down on my situation

I messed up big time 3+years ago, I contacted an escort, thats it, 1 email, no reply nothing happened.
She found out, (email was not deleted). I had given her all my passwords to email, ph etc. as I felt/feel i had/have nothing to hide. We have been together for 4 years, married almost 2.

We have been to a MC within the last year around 14 times. She then quit as she felt the MC was no good and not seeing her side. I feel that he was a gooder and only problem was that he was trying to have her take ownership of some of the stuff she has done/put me thru. She feels justified in all of her actions because of what i did.

I learnt alot about myself @ MC, and am a much better person today. I know i handle issues alot better, treat her the best I can, understand what i did and how it effects her and us. I accept ownership of my wrong doings and try to repair our issue asap, without being pushy but also wanting to clear things up with the day.

As said, my real screw up is years behind us and still i understand trust is an issue. She still has complete access to my computer and phone, but its not enuf. She has always gone to her family, children when things are rough for us, and shares her side with them. I have asked her repeatedly not to do this as it is very uncomfortable for me. She has had them pick her up from home, stayed the night, etc. Shares everything with her kids. 2 weeks ago we had another issue. We were having a discussion, she started to cry, and we were outside a club, she left the truck, i followed her asking her to come back to the truck so we could talk it thru, she yelled at me to get away. I then tried again to talk to her and she said" no one treats me like a dog" infront of 6 other people. I went back to the truck, txted, called her cell but she did not answer. I went home after an hour and cried, realizing what I mean to her. I still txted and called but at 2:45am she comes home and she had called her son to pick her up! she told him ( and others) I left her at the club! and still believes this today. This is a huge issue as I feel that thru the MC and other things gone on in our life that she is not honest with herself, never mind me. She has tuned me in, infront of her brother, WOW, what a humbling experince that was. She has yelled at me outside our house, to numerous time to mention, she turns a discussion into drama real quick and is never in the wrong, Blameshift is in her blood.

Her actions at times leave me to feel that I mean nothing to her, she doesnt appericate anything i do, does not realize the effort I make to have a good life for us.

I feel that she does not respect me, or my feelings. I am feeling that I have done too much damage for our love to be repaired.

I am treating her the very best i can but the error in my past kills our future, everything is negative from her view.

Sex, once every week or two, and its like a chore for her.

I do my share of the household duties, (always have/always will), she works 2 days a week, me 60-70 hrs a week.

I am heading to a counciler friday, feeling down on myself bigtime. Im just at a loss with is this normal with the trust issue. I know I messed up but after 3 +years I hope to feel love again, trust again, respect

Thanks for hearing me
 

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I don't think this is the trust issue, although it's probably a symptom of something else going on.

She has a lot of anger built up. And when the time is right, she plays the victim card to whoever will listen. Yes, she won't go to MC because she knows she can't pull that bullsh!t with the therapist.

One thing you have to do is refrain from engaging her. Your "chasing" her feeds her need to blame you. Next time, walk away.

Next time she talks to her family, call them and apologize that she bothered them with your marital problems. Tell them that there is another side to the story but, unlike her, you will not bring them into it.

As for the trust thing, I have the same issue with my wife. It's been 4 years and I am completely open with her. It's the price we pay.
 

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You almost cheated on her before you got married, correct? Have you asked her why she married you if she didn't forgive you for what you had done? See..... I don't get that. And it's not fair to you either. I understand that you needed to repair the damage you caused and it sounds as if you have done all the right things. You are transparent, you are owning your mistake, etc. She either needs to forgive you or she needs to leave if she can't. I agree with the above poster that she is using this as her "ace card" and pulls it out whenever she feels she needs leverage in a situation. And you know what? She can if she wants. But can YOU live with that for the rest of your life? You have choices you can make too.

And I believe marriage problems should stay within the marriage. She is going to make it so unbearable and uncomfortable for you when it comes to her side of the family. It's ok if she needs one person to vent to and turn to in times of trouble but that person needs to be a distant 3rd party.
 

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I must say, if I were her I would have questioned your integrity and morals for contacting an escort while in a relationship with me. Maybe she loved you too much to let go at the time, but should have. That had to have been a rough blow to her at the time. Maybe she was convinced it was a mistake at the time, forgave you (or so she thought) but discovered throughout the course of your relationship that the same moral thread that caused you to contact an escort service, even if you didn't go through with it, is still there and she finds it impossible to respect anything about you because of it.

Edit: I would question your integrity and morals for contacting an escort (let's not mince words...a prostitute) period.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
CT: thanks, I will try to contact the person and explain as you have the next time she does this. Great words

dormant: not yet

IGVA: I have asked her why and daydream could be right, at that time there was love, now, maybe too much damage to repair
I am too transparent, I have opened up with nothing to hide, everything from wants/wishes for us to sexual thoughts/fantasy, to my needs. Most to be smashed with days of silence if she doesnt agree or like. Mean while she will say nothing when I ask about her, nothing. No needs, wants, fantasies, nothing. Wont even give me an answer if I ask her does she still want an "us"...

DD: I did wrong, no question about it. I do think you are correct to much damage to be repaired. But with that said, I have been on repair mode/best behave mode for over 3 years, trying to regain what we had, and do have at times, and i do mean best. Allowing her to have her way with words and actions while doing nothing because of what I have done. I do love her and want this marriage to work, but am running out of effort to continue with nothing in return

Thanks
 

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She is more comfortable (and get the power position by) being the victim then taking responsibility for her own life. If you hadn't made the mistake you did, she would have found another one to beat you down with.

You don't have to live with it. Why do you? You sound like a decent guy who has grown a lot from this relationship. There are women out there who would appreciate you.

I don't like to encourage divorce, but saying "I do" is not a prison sentence. Like Chris Taylor said, your "chasing" is reinforcing her behavior. If she knows that you won't stay, she may change.

Good luck
 

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Everyone makes mistakes. I didn't want to make the situation sound hopeless...but I guess I did.

She needs to learn to let go. Harboring all that resentment is draining and hardens a person. Perhaps one day someone might say or do the right thing, or she may just come to a realization all on her own that puts a ***** in that armor she has created.

I wish you the best of luck.
 
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