Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My wife and I have a new marriage which is just over two years. But since about month two I have felt unhappy. Her personality started shifting shortly after we were married. I joined the service and while I was gone she was partying almost daily. The rare chances we got to talk she was just waking up (usually around 3-4pm). She then said she wanted to stop that life and made a promise she would stop. She continued to party, and would lie to me about it, but then admit it from guilt. Then came another promise. Then more lies. This process happened quite a few times. She would lie a lot about minor things that I would not even get upset about if she were honest. This was the start of things going down hill. Her mother is also taxing on our relationship. She is an abusive alcoholic (not towards my wife but other family members and boyfriends). She (her mother)has called me drunk yelling at me on more than one occasion. This lying process continued in our relationship from partying to looking at pornography. I didn't care if she looked at porn but she would just lie and literally yelled at me for even asking, but upon opening the internet browser shortly the after found porn left up. She has also cut her wrist twice since I have been with her after fighting. The one point where I think my heart finally broke is one random night we were laying together and she out of no where said she didn't trust me. Now I am obviously flawed like every person. But at this point I had never done anything to her to even remotely garnish this attitude. Also, as I said I am in the military, which I joined to provide for her, and she has told me on three differently occasions she regrets me for making this decision. I asked her a hundred times before I signed my life away that she was okay with it, but now she regrets me for it. Many different little things happened the past two years, and her personality has changed to where I don't recognize the person I'm with. She also complains and acts like her life is so hard, and usually blames me for it. I don't know what to do. I want to go to a marriage counselor but I don't know if a personality can be changed through counseling or her true colors have came out in marriage. I have been reading and it really sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. She usually has about 75% of the symptoms listed on websites. I just needed to vent, but if anyone has had a similar problem I would be glad to hear how you solved it, either way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
I also wanted to add that my wife, I believe, is bi-sexual but will not admit it. She is attracted to women, has performed oral sex with females, watches lesbian porn, flirts with women, and makes out with them at parties(she says it's "for me", but half the time i'm not even in the room when she does it). It bothers me more that she won't admit it but maybe she acts this way towards me cause she has suppressed sexual tension with women?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
I'm BPD and that is some bad bad stuff to deal with.

I got help and healed but I'm rare.

I wouldn't wish the old me on my worst enemy.

BTW it took A LOT of therapy, TIME and hard work for me to get better.

This wasn't a quick fix and I wanted it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
358 Posts
If she has BPD, then get her to a DBT therapist. It is the gold standard for treatment, but she has to be willing. Are you away for long periods of time? A marriage usually cannot survive long times apart.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
If she has BPD, then get her to a DBT therapist. It is the gold standard for treatment, but she has to be willing. Are you away for long periods of time? A marriage usually cannot survive long times apart.
As a BPD'er I cannot be left alone in a marriage for long periods of time.

My belief is either I'm married and you're HERE or I'm single and you're not.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,910 Posts
Confused, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with everything Mavash told you.
It really sounds like she has borderline personality disorder.
I agree with you, Confused, that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums, verbal abuse, lack of impulse control, blame-shifting, inability to trust, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic traits of BPD.
She has also cut her wrist twice since I have been with her.
Self mutilation and other forms of self harm -- such as the two wrist-cutting incidents you mention -- are strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 study found that most people treated for cutting themselves have full-blown BPD. It concluded:
Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. See Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI.
if anyone has had a similar problem I would be glad to hear how you solved it, either way.
I did have a similar problem because I was married to a BPDer exW for 15 years. I describe many of my experiences in my post at My list of hell!. If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top