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Me and my wife have been married for 2 and half years- 34 and 32 yrs old. We both are from Asia, I came to USA about 10 yrs back and my wife came 2 yrs back. Since day 1 of living together - we have issues. I find her very possessive and the most insecure person in the whole world. She lives in her own fantasy world where she is always right. She is an angel if I follow everything to please her. But there is another part of her personality, where she can be violent or cry baby – I am the only one who sees that. I have been lucky, that cops never showed up during one of those incidents.

My wife has deep down hatred for my parents, brother, uncles, cousins -everyone in my family. My Wife has always this thing that she is from a rich family and my whole family is backward. If I could just disconnect with everyone in my family - our life will be good. But, I just cannot. I cannot live without talking to my parents or family members. We always have been very close. And they are integral part of my life. Loving/respecting them is not my duty or obligation, but it's life. I just cannot detach. I want to take care of my parents when they are old. I want then to live with us here in USA. I cannot just forget what hardships they have gone through for making me what I am today. The origin of my W's hatred comes from the fact that I love my parents a lot. My wife thinks that I help everyone in my family financially too and buy gifts - which is party true. But I want to do all this.

Things got to the worst when my mother was visiting us about 2 months back. My wife was about 9 mo pregnant. Things started with small stuffs. My wife will always complain about the things my mom will do. Then my mom will say something, then my wife will give a lecture. In short, my wife was so pissed one evening that she shouted at mother: "I did not ask you to come here and live with us, your son did" "You have ruined our family - You can just go from here". That was a bad night, I took my mom to a friend's place and she lived there for like two weeks. She was just waiting for the baby to come up and then she could just leave for India.

However, after the baby came, I had to bring my mother back because I was really tired and I needed some help at home. I knew this may not going to work but I had no choice. However, just after like 10 days,my wife verbally abused her again and kicked her out of the house. Her words :"ask this woman to leave". "she came here to ruin our family". She has to go right now. SHE HAS TO GO. (yes, it was louder than it sounds). The main reason of her misbehavior stems from my talking to mother after work, or taking her out for errands - W thought my mother is taking control over me - but that’s not true.

I will copy paste the incident that night from my diary:

****
Things started with: I asked her to put some better clothes - I could see her underwear. I asked her because we have a guest (mom) these days at our place. I would not have cared if it were just me and my wife. She did not say much. Then she calls me in the bed room. Her words : "Your mom has to go right now. I can cook my own food. Bla bla... She has ruined our lives." Me:"Mom is not going anywhere if you want to go , you can". We yell at each other. She gets pissed, her words: "if you like her so much why don't you just have her!" It makes me angry- I get out of the bed room.

My mother is in the other room , and possibly heard our shouting. My W comes out of her bed room. She keeps talking **** about my mother. Mother comes out of her room. Her words : xxx, what did I do wrong? W's words: "It's you who have done everything, we were happier before, please go from my life". My mom cries. I asked mom to go inside the room and do not say anything between us. Because, whatever my mother says that will be a negative thing. She goes inside.

Me and my W keep yelling at each other- the baby is in the bed room and probably listening but asleep. Things get bad - W start throwing chairs. Her words : I want her to GO RIGHTNOW. YES RIGHTNOW. SHE RUINED US. I shout too - her words make me sad and angry- "if my mom leaves, I am leaving too and not coming back. Do whatever." She goes towards the room my mom is in. She pounds at the door, door opens. Her words "You have to go right now. This is what you came for, to ruin our lives. You want us to be separated. You want us to be divorced. You just leave. GET OUT from here - it's my home." W comes to me :"she has to go , make her out RIGHTNOW". I say: give me 15 minutes and I will take her to somewhere. She :"NO. RIGHTNOW means RIGHTNOW." It's about mid night - I just hope some body does not call 911 and cops show up. I kinda wished for that - I did not want to live any single moment with this girl.

I go to mom's room. Ask her to pack the bags -"we are leaving". Mom is crying. I am crying, and my wife is being a bi%$h. She could be so unreasonable and insensitive - I never knew! It hurts. It kills. Mom is packing the bag on the carpet in her room. I am standing there- sad and distraught - what the F$%^ I have done to my life. My mother does not deserve all these.

Meanwhile, W comes to the room. She knows I am also leaving with my mother. Her words: "Please do not go - I do not care if she (looking at my mom with known disgust) lives here or not, but I cannot live without you". She has absolutely zero respect for the people - I love /admire/respect. How can someone call it love? If this is love - I do not give a damn! She treated my mother like a dirt. I can still see the disgust on my W's face when she ever talk about my mother.

About midnight: Anyway, I got mom's luggage and came out of the apartment. My mom cried. I had tears. Never imagined such a good bye for her. She could not see her granddaughter before she left. It was bad. We went to a friend's place and lived there for another 2-3 days. Then she left.

*******

I can go with the many incidents here- but I will stop . I have been thinking of separation, and I would like to have your views. We have 2 months old baby and things are going to be difficult. I can see this relationship would not last long. I cannot keep letting things happen. I can see a pattern. I do not want to feel like a slave in my home.

My Wife has no regrets of what she has done and how much hurt she has caused. Her words: “What I did to your mother- she deserved it.” It’s not the first time she has shown this misbehavior but it has happened in the past. I am more sad that she does n’t even realize that her actions hurt me. People may argue that it was all my mother’s fault but still you do not kick your husband’s mother out in the middle of night in a foreign land. She lives in her own world where she is the victim and I and my whole families are culprits.
 

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Sorry you are here, Shamelsslover.

You seem to have married a real shrew. Disordered and broken.

The "split-personality" aspect shares a lot in common with borderline personality disorder (BPD). Thinking is black/white, love/hate. Alienating you from your family/friends. Changing her mood in the blink of an eye.

The question is: Why are you tolerating this relationship?

and: How much longer can you take it?

I spent 15 years with my BPD wife. If I had to do it again, I would have left her when she first started showing these traits (after I proposed).

Do yourself a favor. Leave her now. You can't fix her.
 
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Thanks ThreeStrikes.
I am scared how she would take the news of me leaving her. I have seen her getting violent in the past. She is capable of hurting herself. Just my ignoring her and not being in love make her real upset. We already have a quite few of scene in last few days. Most of the time, she will end up crying and blaming me for everything– it goes for hours. And almost always, it happens after midnight. Note that I have to go work for 10-12 hours a day- 5days a week.
Now we have 2 months old baby. If I leave, she wont be in a state to take care of her. If I fight for custody of the child, that’s going to be very upsetting to her. I want to point out that her parents are dead and she has a sister but they are not on talking terms. She is very close to her uncle/cousins and considers them her family. So, in short, our child is only real family she got.
She is also totally dependent on me – for everything. She does not know how to drive – I take her everywhere. I am not sure what separation would lead to. We have a few common friends who can drive her around. But still, it would be a major setback.
I am writing all this, because if I divorce, I really do not want to see her. She would either be violent all the times or will start to cry or a combination of both– and I will be emotionally blackmailed. Meantime, I would like to keep seeing my child. I am not sure how this setup would work.
If she would have been a bold and independent woman – I would not have much issue. I would have left. I also know deep down in heart, I cannot take very long. One day, it would come and I will just go to the attorney. It has taken toll on me – physically and emotionally.

PS: she is not diagnosed with personality disorder, but I have strong feeling that she has emotional problem – or BPD. She can be really mean in 1 sec and she will act as nothing has happened and she is an angle the other sec. She gets pissed if I ask that we should go for counselling.
 

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She is not diagnosed with personality disorder, but I have strong feeling that she has emotional problem – or BPD.
Shameless, welcome to the TAM forum. You are fortunate to have immediately attracted the attention of ThreeStrikes, who is very experienced with the warning signs for BPD. I agree with ThreeStrikes that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., the temper tantrums, verbal abuse, emotional instability, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and black-white thinking -- are classic traits of BPD.
She can be really mean in 1 sec and she will act as nothing has happened and she is an angle the other sec.
As ThreeStrikes explained, this rapid flip between loving you and hating you is called "black-white thinking" (aka, "splitting"). Because a BPDer has a fragile, unstable sense of who she is, she cannot tolerate having strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, or the other grey areas of interpersonal relationships. A BPDer has never learned that skill because -- usually due to a trauma occurring before age 5 -- her emotional development is stuck at the level of a four year old.

A BPDer therefore will categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" so she knows how to deal with them. And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just a few seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or infraction. This all-or-nothing thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of expressions such as "You never..." and "You always...."
my wife's split-personality vs. my family
If your W has strong BPD traits, the black-white thinking will make you feel like you are living with a woman who is half way to having a split personality. This is a very common complaint from the abused spouses who have been living with BPDers.
My wife has deep down hatred for my parents, brother, uncles, cousins -everyone in my family.
Because BPDers have a great fear of abandonment, they will try to control most aspects of your private life to reduce the chance you will leave them. One of the first things they typically do, following the wedding, is to suddenly try to isolate you away from all family members and close friends. Following my wedding, e.g., my exW started complaining that she was being treated badly by all my relatives, including my foster son (whom she quickly started to hate).
She lives in her own world where she is the victim and I and my whole families are culprits.
Because a BPDer has such a fragile sense of who she is, the closest thing she has to a self image is the false notion that she is "The Victim." A BPDer therefore spends much time trying to validate that false self image. For this reason, her spouse is allowed to play only two roles: savior and perpetrator. Significantly, both of those roles validate her role of being the victim. Sadly, your "savior" days largely ended when you got married. Hence, except for rare occasions, she will tolerate your presence only as long as you continue walking on eggshells, taking the blame for every misfortune that befalls her.
She gets pissed if I ask that we should go for counselling.
If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), MC would be a total waste of time until she has had several years (at the very least) of weekly therapy in IC. The reason is that her issues are far more serious than a simple lack of communication skills. I therefore offer the following suggestions.

As an initial matter, if you suspect your W has strong BPD traits, I recommend that you NOT tell her. If she is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her. But don't hold your breath waiting for her to improve. The chances of a BPDer being willing to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference is very small -- I would say a chance of 1 in 100.

Second, if you think you may stay with her a long while, I suggest you get Stop Walking on Eggshells, the best-selling BPD book targeted to spouses like you. Or, if you are decided to get a divorce instead, get Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Both books are written by the same author.

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Staying" board, "Leaving" board, and "Parenting after the Split" board.

Fourth, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is article #9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. I also recommend Kathy Batesel's excellent blog at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships.

Fifth, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your daughter are dealing with -- and how likely it is she may pass it on to your daughter (through genetics or child abuse). As I've explained in many other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers -- much less tell their husbands -- the name of the disorder (to protect the BPDer).

Sixth, I suggest you prepare for the upcoming custody battle by documenting, documenting, documenting. Your journal should be used to record all bad incidents. In addition, acquire a VAR that will fit in your shirt pocket so you can record all temper tantrums, particularly those when your daughter is in the room. You may even want to supplement it with the video recorder in your cell phone. If there is any physical violence, be sure to call the police so you have that outrageous behavior on record.

Finally, so you have a better idea of what you may be up against, I suggest you read my description of life with a BPDer at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Shameless.
 

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Has she gotten worse after the pregnancy/birth? I'm wondering if she might be suffering from post partum depression.

Does your wife talk about anything specific that she says your mother did that she is so upset about? Anything that might have happened when you were not around?

Does your wife just throw things around, or does she hit you or otherwise do violence to your person? Does she ever hurt herself or say that she will kill herself?

My suggestion is that since you are still at home with her that you get a record of her verbal/emotional abuse and her violence/physical abuse. How do you do this?

Nanny cam. Get some things with small cameras and put them around your house. Here's a link that just came up on a Google search.

Nanny Camera | Hidden Nanny Cams | Teddy Bear Cams


Also get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and always have it on you.

This way when she has one of her fits, you have it recorded. The only thing is that you will need to be a saint. Make sure that you do nothing to escalate the situation. Do not yell, do not say anything mean to her, etc. Do not touch her for any reason to make sure that you are not accused of attacking her. IF she comes after you physically, go into a non confrontational position and let her hit you. Do not hit her back, do not defend yourself .. unless she has a weapon like a knife (of course). When she starts going ballistic just tell her to stop. "Please stop", "Please do not do this". Say it very calmly.

This is probably get her even more angered so it will work to get a record of what she's like in private.

Your wife is abusive. Abusive people work to isolate their spouse from all support.. from friends and their family. Once she cuts off all of your outside support, the abuse she dishes out to you will escalate.

If I were you I would also be very concerned about your child. She is very likely to treat your baby this say as well. I've seen this happen. When no one is around the mother (this type of woman) very often turns on the their children. So the nanny cams will record what goes on when you are not at home.

Check the laws in your state for recording conversations and making videos when a person does not know they are being recorded. If you tell me what state you are in I can look it up to help you with this. Since it's my bed time right now I could look it up after work tomorrow evening.

If the police show up, you now have evidence that she was the aggressor. You can now go to an attorney and you have evidence that of your abuse/violence. You might be able to get 100% custody of your baby.

But you have to do this smart. Talk to an attorney to start planning your exit. Do not tell her you are doing this.
 

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Sham,

I'm no expert on BPD...just my ex. I made all sorts of excuses to stay with my ex. We had young children, she needed me financially, I didn't want to split up my family, etc.

You know what? We still ended up divorced. I spent 15 years in a roller-coaster relationship, was gradually cut off from all my family and friends, and now I have to deal with her craziness while attempting to co-parent our two kids.

I'll stick with my original advice: GTFO

Ending a Relationship with an Abusive Parent, Child or Sibling, Part One | Shrink4Men

There are several other articles at Shrink4men.com that you might find helpful.
 
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Thanks Uptown, Elegirl and Threestrikes – you guys have been a great help. You give me hope. I have read your posts couple of times and I am going to read it again – it’s very very helpful.

@ Uptown:
I understand where the reason of insecurities coming from. My wife was born rich. Her both parent died when she was about 25. The only sister abandoned her. She has always been dependent on her uncle/aunt since. If I just assume that I married 5 yrs old one, my whole married life make sense to me. I am fortunate to have this forum where I can write all this. This is a relief.

My wife does have a great fear of abandonment. Just yesterday, she asked me: can I ask something? Hesitatingly, I said okay. When She says something like that- I can see something is coming. So she asks: "Will you ever leave me?". I did not want to answer the question. Because, I want to stop lying to her that I love her but she can't hear the truth. I said: Let us not talk about it. Everything is cool right now, enjoy the moment. She kept asking. I said : "I am not leaving you rightnow ( a vague answer)". She asked me again. So just to keep her happy in the moment, I said, okay I will not leave you. I knew I lied. But I did not want another sleepless night.

I definitely think there is an emotional issue. Most of our common friends understand me. I tried taking help from almost all of the friends so that they could make her understand my point of view. Almost all of them say: dude, I can't do it. She wont understand. There is only one person (her girl friend) who agrees with her point of view. But she never tried talking to me either to know/understand my side of story. I tried taking help from her own family to intervene things between us. They are not supportive and they totally support my wife's view of any incidents.

About Your advice:
> I do suspect she has emotional issue. But I donot think I can ever convince her to go to a psychologist. I have to go through a hell to do that. But I am definitely going to buy one of the books you suggested and check that website/resources.
> Also, thank you very much for 5th,6th and final suggestion. I am going to look into these.

@EleGirl:
Problem always existed. But it got to the worst after my mother came to visit. The reason: my Wife just hates everyone in my family. Is there anything specific? No. My wife hates about how ugly my mother look, how bad does she cook. Anything my mother does or does not do - my wife will have a complain. On top of that, if mom does not speak anything after seeing all this misbehavior. My wife would say: "she does not has to say anything. she can do things without saying anything (indicating that I am in control of my mother)."

My wife's general fit comes with crying for hours. If she is angry she will get violent. She will pull her hair. Mercilessly slap herself. Last time, she was banging her head on the wall. She does not get violent all the times. Since we have the baby, She got really violent one time. Crying shouting yelling - happened many times. I have seen her getting really violent couple of times in 2 and half years of marriage - these incidents were such that cops could come.

Thanks for all the other advice - I will work on them. I am really concerned about the child and I really do not want her to grow up to be like her mom! But I also understand my wife loves her baby and she would not hurt the baby. But when she yells/shouts then she does not care if baby is right there or not.

Can I private message you about the state I am in (I am not sure if I can PM you on this website)?

I wish she were a strong lady and I could exit without much hassle. I know if I do something like this right-now - that will be disastrous for her and my baby. And I am scared - how I am going to deal with her and how long I fake that I love her.
 

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Shame, I'm glad to hear you found the BPD information helpful.
I understand where the reason of insecurities coming from. My wife was born rich. Her both parent died when she was about 25. The only sister abandoned her. She has always been dependent on her uncle/aunt since.
Shame, did you mean to say that both parents died when she was 5 (not 25) years old? I ask because losing one's parents at the age of 25 cannot cause strong BPD traits to develop. The trauma must occur in early childhood -- typically before age five, at which time the trauma causes the child's emotional development to freeze. The result is that, absent years of therapy, the person is left having to rely on the primitive ego defenses of a young child: e.g., denial, black-white thinking, projection, magical thinking, and temper tantrums.
My wife does have a great fear of abandonment.
If she is a BPDer, her other great fear is engulfment, a feeling of suffocation whenever she experiences intimacy and closeness. As her husband, you will always find yourself in a lose-lose situation because those two fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the VERY SAME spectrum. This means that, as you back away from her to avoid triggering her engulfment fear, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering her abandonment fear.

Importantly, there is no midpoints position where you are not too far away and not too close. Sadly, that Goldilocks position does not exist -- or, if it does, you can never stand there because it is a knife edge that is constantly shifting. I know only because I foolishly spent 15 years trying to find it.
I do suspect she has emotional issue. But I do not think I can ever convince her to go to a psychologist. I have to go through a hell to do that.
If she becomes suicidal, you may have to call the police and try to get her institutionalized. Otherwise, I recommend you NOT try to force her into therapy. If she has strong BPD traits, therapy will be useful only if she is strongly self-motivated to pursue it.

If she is not self-motivated, pushing her into therapy almost certainly would result in her playing mind games with the therapist while you fork out $150/hour. That's what I did. Specifically, I spent a small fortune sending my exW to six different psychologists (and 3 MCs) for weekly visits for 15 years -- all to no avail.
My wife's general fit comes with crying for hours.
BPD temper tantrums typically last 4 or 5 hours (only rarely as long as 18 hours).
She will pull her hair. Mercilessly slap herself. Last time, she was banging her head on the wall.
These acts of self harm are a very bad sign. They are signs that she is sometimes slipping from a high-functioning state (where her anger is directed outward to you) into a low-functioning state (where her anger is turned inward). My exW would sometimes do that too and it always scared the hell out of me.

If your W is a BPDer, she most likely is HF nearly all the time or you would not have dated her, much less married her. Indeed, the vast majority of BPDers are HF. They nonetheless can slip into LF states when under enough stress from their fears. It will be evident when the BPDer shifts from "acting out" (i.e., yelling and screaming) to "acting in" (i.e., saying they are worthless and harming themselves and being passive-aggressive).
I am really concerned about the child and I really do not want her to grow up to be like her mom! But I also understand my wife loves her baby and she would not hurt the baby.
HF BPDers often can do very well when the child is young because the child is so fully dependent on them that their abandonment and engulfment fears are not triggered. All of that changes, however, when the child reaches puberty and starts thinking for herself and being non-compliant.
But when she yells/shouts then she does not care if baby is right there or not.
Even if your W does not verbally abuse your child, she nonetheless will be harming your child whenever that child is witness to the verbal and physical assaults on you. Sadly, the child grows up learning that this verbal abuse is how husbands and fathers are to be treated.
 

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@ Uptown: No, my wife was about 25, a grown up. First, her father had heart attack and then her mother had severe illness and she passed away. Although, she was an adult, she went through a period of sorrow. I remember that she has always been stubborn even before we got married but I never saw this coming. I remember: if she called and I wont pick the phone. She will keep calling me more than 20 times (not always but it would happen), then I would be pissed and switch off the phone. And we would not talk for a few days.

But, later, we fall for each other. Even today, she takes care of everything at home. Keeps the house clean and do all house work. At her best, she is some one all other guys would envy. But at her worst- she is as cold as it gets. Sadly, when it happens I am the only one around. Our quarrel occurred more often when we just started living together and then there was a phase - it was okay for few months. Of course, she has her usual fit like I mentioned before - but we would have a stretch of happy days together. So, although I will be upset with the drama, I will be okay with time. Things got out of hand when we bought up my mother. And I got to saw my wife's worst behavior - I can never deem it as acceptable. I would never ever want to live those moments again. It was then - I thought, I cannot live like this all my life. Things need to be changed.

I know if I break all ties with my family back home - we will have a happy life. But I cannot do this. Even if I were someone who could do that then her tantrums would come in another form. Why don't I buy a house? Where does all your money go - where do you keep them? Look at the other couple- how much fun they have? You never do anything for me!

I am still debating if she has BPD traits. More I think, more I get positive. Her stories (about misbehavior to my family members) never make sense to me - I talk to friends, it does not make sense to them either. And we can never talk like adults. No, never - it will end up in hours of crying and I will listen the blame : how I ruined her life? So, now I just try to escape any discussion. I go home - do what I have to do. I listen and respond. I try to be calm. I spend time with my baby girl - she is the best. And, I keep thinking, what should I do? Exiting SOON would not be easy considering her total dependence on me and emotional immaturity (having 2 month old one is another factor). She has no support here in USA. Her family really do not care (although she has false notion). She will end up crying all her life. We have common friends - or, let me say, most of her friends are through me. She is close to only one of her gf. She actually never had a close friends back in India. Whereas, I always have/had many friends - some are real gem I can rely on.

Thanks Uptown, Elegirl and Threestrikes for your comments - you guys have been awesome!
 

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I need help – I am getting crazier day by day. Let me note down the incident which happened 2 days back.

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We were getting ready for the my W 's medical appointment. She wanted me to take some honey as she thought I had cold (an old remedy). I did not want to eat - not sure why. Probably did not want to eat anything sweet in the morning. She told me a few times. I said no. she said again: do whatever, but donot dare to pass your cold to my daughter. I did not like her tone – I got pissed. I love my daughter and I donot like my W bringing her between us when we are not in our best mood. I said: Will I die if I do not eat the honey? I said it in -I am pissed - way. It broke all hell. I know I should not have said this. But I am getting crazy day by day. Her side of being nice to me - I could not stand. I feel like she is trying to win me back. It was immature from my part. But the hell was broke and the damage was done.

She started with how much I am influenced by my mother. She has left but it feels like she is still there. She says how ugly and how big of a vamp she was. I say: Do not talk about my parents. She continues - why should n't I? She has ruined our happiness and you would not change. She goes on: what kind of women is she? She came from a backward village and she went for pedicure. Ugly ***** - she has no shame. (Mom went for pedicure just once -one of my friends took her for pedicure and the friend paid for it)

She keeps it on after we came back from doc’s office. Rambling went on for next half an hour. I could not deal with it. Stood there and listened. Then left for work.

She calls me at work- I pick the phone. She continues how big of a jerk I am and how I have ruined her life. She goes on and on. After about half an hour I put the phone. She calls back - I pick. Same thing. I hung up. She calls me back - over 10 times. I do not pick the phone. She is real angry and She sends me over 100 texts. Her texts include all mean things about me and my mother and how I am a momma's boy. I am a dog and my mamma is a *****. She said that if we have an affair. She continued with all the abusive words you can think of. I did not reply to her texts. Between, she kept calling - she might have called me over 20 more times. I feel worthless - an emptiness. I have no idea how to deal with all this.

Somehow, I survive the work. At 7 PM, I get out of work. I go to parking lot and call her. I thought if she promises not to argue I will come over or I will not come for the night. We talk for an hour. Initially things were fine and then she continues with the same thing- all same **** about my mother. She says how cruel she was. Afterwards, I say okay even if I agree with all what you say - how can you kick her out of the apartment in the middle of night? I tried to explain what you did was not right. I say what right you had to yell at my mother or treat her like a maid? But I am shooting in the dark. I know - I cannot cure my wife's sickness. She continues with no remorse at all. With her zero faults about all incidents. I said - see, if my mom were here I would have asked her to apologize -but you will also have to realize your faults. Then I say I am not coming back for the night and hung up. She calls me for another 10 times. I do not pick the phone.

I went to a friend's place and spend the night. Next day, I come to work. I am exhausted. I get emails from her with tilte "Divorce". It says same thing that I need to change or we should separate. I know she has said this million times whenever she is angry. SO I do not care whats in the email. So, I just try everything to calm down and send an email.

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We should celebrate D's 1st Diwali (Indian festival)
I only want us to stick with two things. And, I will come down to our apartment.
1. No arguments between us. Please do not say anything about my family members. That goes to me too - I will not say anything about your family.
2. Let me live the way I am living in the apartment.
If we could stick with that, that will be great.
Let us celebrate D's first Diwali.

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I get a reply:

Agreed, I also want few things to happen:
1. We should talk always abt D, u n me here in US, n not ur family .

2. Conc on building our lives n do not neglect us for others satisfaction by providing materialistic things.U hav d habit of wah wahi (helping others), n so spend money on others, but we n our future is being neglected in that.Be good but don't spend money. We ll b able to save for D’s college, our house, our old age,on us.

3. You need to go to a councellor. This is the 5th time u left D wid me alone. Yesterday D got soo scared she kept sweating n breathing fast till midnight that I had to call d Paedriatric nurse . This can effect her heart. U need to b aware of reality n need councelling.
Not worrying abt anything is NOT NORMAL & UNACCEPTABLE.

4. U asked for 2 months to get NORMAL. Ok but after that u will b d same husband as before. Like I have left all grudges behind for D n u, u will also leave all the grudges against me n move on. As it. Affects D's n my life.
If u can do all this then we can think of staying together as a family. Otherwise it is peaceful to b without u here n good for both D n my health.


I read it but did not reply.
a. I never bring my parents in our conversation - she starts with talking **** about.
b. our relationship has never been matured enough that I can share all my finances with her. I will be pathetic if I did. She will have questions about everything. I will not be able to help anyone I wanted to. I come from a humble background and I want to take care of a lot of people. But this doesnot mean I will ever neglect my daughter or my wife (if we are still married).
c. I have been to counselor but it's useless if I just go by myself. Anyway, I am again going in 2 weeks. But issue will be addressed is she accompanies me. And I have left her only 2 times for one night each. Each time, I was only 2 miles away. I am always there when they need me. I make sure there is enough food in the fridge and I am on top of all medical appointments or anything they need.

You say it’s my issue or problem - but I do not like to be in control. And my wife wants to control my soul, happiness and finances.

Anyway, I went home. Things were in control.
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I want suggestion from you. I know even if I find a short term solution- I will not be happy in long term. I cannot deal with her anger and things she says all my life. I have seen her anger in the past – and it’s terrifying. As you know I have been thinking of separation/divorce but I just want to make sure If my decision is right. IS there anything else which can save us and make things normal? Or, I am just being a momma’s boy? I know my mother is not an issue here. The issue always existed it just went to the worst when my mom came to stay with us. These days, I feel pathetic. I do not like even when my wife touches me– I get horrified. We sleep in separate bed – which has been a very big issue for her – but I just do not feel like sleeping together at least for now. I need a space where I can breathe.
 

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Shame, thanks for giving us an update on what's happening. Did you find any of the resources I suggested to be useful? Specifically, did you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and your daughter are dealing with? Did you find any useful information at the BPDfamily forum -- or in the articles provided at that same website? You said you would check out one of the books I mentioned -- did you have time to do that? Are you carrying a VAR so you can record your W's latest outbursts?
 

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Hi Uptown, thanks for message.

I have an appointment scheduled with psychologist in 2 weeks.I did go for couple counselling once just by myself but that was not useful. the lady told to bring my W. My W refuses any counselling telling me that I need it - she does not.

I did check the book - walking on eggshell - it is helpful. Sometime, I just get lost with everything out of control. I have yet to check the articles on BPDfamily forum - I will do that soon.
 

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I am getting crazier day by day.
Shame, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the DSM-5, BPD is the one most notorious for making a large share of the abused spouses and partners feel like they may be going crazy. Hence, if your W has strong BPD traits as you suspected six weeks ago, it is not surprising you feel like you may be losing your mind. Living with an emotionally unstable woman -- who can flip in seconds between Jekyll and Hyde -- usually causes the abused partners to feel extremely confused.
 

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@Uptown - what would you do if you were me? Considering you were in same phase of life as me. I am 34 and have a 3 months old princess. I am the sole earner - have a great job which pays good- but i work over 50 hours a week - it can be very demanding (mentally).
 

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@Uptown - what would you do if you were me?
Shame, when no young children are involved, my usual advice is to divorce the spouse if she has strong BPD traits and is unwilling to work hard in weekly therapy. When there is a young child, as in your case, my advice is to do whatever you decide is in the best interests of your child. You are in the best position to know what that action is for your family.

IME, the abused spouses in BPDer marriages usually decide that their children will be better off living in a normal environment half the time than in being in an abusive environment 100% of the time (watching their father being abused week after week). Whether this is true in your situation, however, is a matter you must decide on your own.

This is why I've been urging you to obtain professional guidance from a good psychologist who is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not those of your W. To obtain such candid advice when BPD is involved, it is important that the psych have no connection with your W. This is why it is important to see a professional who has not seen or treated your W. If you live in a large metro area, it is prudent to pick a psychologist who comes highly recommended or has much experience with BPDers. And, of course, you also would need excellent legal advice from an attorney experienced in child custody disputes. This, at least, is what I would do.
 

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@ Uptown: No, my wife was about 25, a grown up. First, her father had heart attack and then her mother had severe illness and she passed away. Although, she was an adult, she went through a period of sorrow. I remember that she has always been stubborn even before we got married but I never saw this coming. I remember: if she called and I wont pick the phone. She will keep calling me more than 20 times (not always but it would happen), then I would be pissed and switch off the phone. And we would not talk for a few days.

But, later, we fall for each other. Even today, she takes care of everything at home. Keeps the house clean and do all house work. At her best, she is some one all other guys would envy. But at her worst- she is as cold as it gets. Sadly, when it happens I am the only one around. Our quarrel occurred more often when we just started living together and then there was a phase - it was okay for few months. Of course, she has her usual fit like I mentioned before - but we would have a stretch of happy days together. So, although I will be upset with the drama, I will be okay with time. Things got out of hand when we bought up my mother. And I got to saw my wife's worst behavior - I can never deem it as acceptable. I would never ever want to live those moments again. It was then - I thought, I cannot live like this all my life. Things need to be changed.

I know if I break all ties with my family back home - we will have a happy life. But I cannot do this. Even if I were someone who could do that then her tantrums would come in another form. Why don't I buy a house? Where does all your money go - where do you keep them? Look at the other couple- how much fun they have? You never do anything for me!

I am still debating if she has BPD traits. More I think, more I get positive. Her stories (about misbehavior to my family members) never make sense to me - I talk to friends, it does not make sense to them either. And we can never talk like adults. No, never - it will end up in hours of crying and I will listen the blame : how I ruined her life? So, now I just try to escape any discussion. I go home - do what I have to do. I listen and respond. I try to be calm. I spend time with my baby girl - she is the best. And, I keep thinking, what should I do? Exiting SOON would not be easy considering her total dependence on me and emotional immaturity (having 2 month old one is another factor). She has no support here in USA. Her family really do not care (although she has false notion). She will end up crying all her life. We have common friends - or, let me say, most of her friends are through me. She is close to only one of her gf. She actually never had a close friends back in India. Whereas, I always have/had many friends - some are real gem I can rely on.

Thanks Uptown, Elegirl and Threestrikes for your comments - you guys have been awesome!
You are wrong that getting rid of your family will make your marriage a good one. They are not even in the country. Your wife has latched onto them as her focus due to you having something other than her to look at, talk to, help, think about. This is not caused by them, it is all on your wife. If you stop communicating with them, and all she has to focus on is your work hours, the friend or two you may hang out with, the hobby you enjoy, it will be something you focus on that is not her, and this will not stop ever.

Your wife needs to understand some things and compromise must exist, and her acting like you are supposed to dump your family is nuts.

Your wife is also a mental case and a danger to your child IMO.
Soon she may see the child as someone taking from her, as she sees you, and you see how she treats you, imagine being a young child and getting that treatment from an adult. I would document all of it, and have a VAR on you at all times when around her. If she gets violent with you or herself, call the cops immediately. Make sure you have a VAR though as she will lie to the cops and also probably make up stories to hurt you.

She sounds like she needs to be committed to a psych ward.
I would let her know you do not trust her with your emotions and unless she will face these issues as a married couple then she will be forcing you to make a decision. Make her understand that getting help is her only option other than losing the stability you give her.
Do something, doing nothing has never solved much. This will only get worse, that I promise.
 

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Not sure why I (Shamelsslover) got banned after my last post. I had to create another account to be able to post and connect with you guys - and not sure if I will be banned again. When I try to log-in with original account that my ban will never expire.

anyway, I just thought to tell you all - you have been great support and help. Special thanks to nogutsnoglory, uptown, threestrikes and elegirl. I will share more and if the website allows me to.
 

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That's really strange, Shame. If no explanation was provided, you may want to ask one of the moderators about it. In any event, I'm glad to see you back.
 

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Thank you everyone for your support. I can not log in to TAM from my work place, each time it says my IP address is banned. I did try to contact the administrator but did not get a response. But it looks like I can log-in from home. However, I try not to visit this site from HOME due to obvious reason. So, now you know why could not I give an update. I do have to say that TAM has been a great support. Makes/made me feel empowered when I am/was at the bottom.

@Uptown:
Since, my last post, I did meet with a clinical psychologist (CP) - we had five sessions. I have to say it was not very useful. Probably, the reason is CP cannot comment or diagnose my W based on my version of the story. CP told me to work on my part such as putting boundary and stuff. But I do not think it has ever worked in my case. I did try to tell my W a few times about the things which hurt me. But it always ended up in a war and I have to retreat. I can give examples in later post if you are interested. So now, I do what I am told to. If she says its your fault - I say yes, you are right. And, so although we do not fight much, I feel like dying inside - I am emotionally drianed. This statement, which I read somewehre perfectly suit my situation: "I was concentrating on not abandoning her, no matter what she did. One day, I realized that, instead, I had abandoned myself." Everyday, I think this - I am not the same person I used to be. On a side note, I do not have courage to carry a VAR.

I read the articles on BPDFamily and I am more regular there now - it's helpful. Thank you.

I would like to hear from ThreeStrikes/Uptown/nogutsnoglory (or anyone who are separated/divorced from a BPD homemaker involving a young child) - how has been your life after the divorce? Does life indeed get better?

@Uptown> What does IME refer to?
 
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